how do i know what i am...and where 2 start?

Hello all..

I'm not quite sure how 2 word this so I'm going to just put it as clear and bluntly as I can and hopefully my point/question gets across.

For a long time now I knew that regular sex just wouldn't do it for me. The first time I had sex my mind kept wandering and I couldn't for the life of me stop thinking about how wrong it felt. The only time I truly felt pleasured or into it was when he'd do things that would cause a little pain or make sure I couldn't get away. I kept hoping he'd do more of those things but he never did. Eventually, we broke up.

I got another boyfriend but I figured I'd try out this internet long distance relationship thing because I thought I could be honest about how I felt sexually because we would never meet. I told him about my submissive tendencies and things I fantasized about. I don't think he was dominate to me because eventually the things I felt like I wanted became too much for him to even type them out for me. Furthermore, I felt like I would much rather dominate him than have him do me.

Which brings me to problem a) I have no idea what I'm doing. I am totally incapable of giving myself an orgasm through masturbation. My mind wanders and I actually get bored with it. I feel like somethings missing and I just get no where. Which leads 2 problem b) all the time I'm fantasizing about what it would be like to be dominated or something like that. I have no idea about how to go about finding a master or a dominate and to be completely honest I'm oblivious to when I attract male attention. This lead to c) I believe that when I find out someone likes me I become terrified of them. I trust people easily but I'm not sure if I could trust someone with this part of me that just craves to belong completely and utterly to one person, especially if I don't know them so well. But I know for a fact that vanilla sex just doesn't cut it. I start to think of everything but what we are doing. And the dominance play is the only way that I get excited enough to lose myself.

I'm not sure if I managed to make my problem clear but I hope I did. I really hope someone here can help me with this too.

Welcome!

very simply put...you are who and what you are, nothing more and nothing less...as are the rest of us. we are all different and each of us has our own little niche in BDSM, everyone's kinks are different and if it is a kink that you share with others, you will find that it's by varying degrees. it's part and parcel with being an individual. that being said...trusting someone with something this personal is always going to be hard to do, for anyone. the fact that you are cautious about just handing over your trust is a good thing actually. one MUST be cautious when it comes to meeting others online...let alone when trying to play.

if you are looking to meet like-minded folks, you are in the right place. it's been my experience that most here are very open-minded and very willing to share and answer any questions you may have. the best way to get started is to simply put yourself out there. maybe look at it as just meeting others who share the same interest...nothing wrong with making a few friends before or while inadvertantly looking for a playmate. posting on the forums and maybe joining into chat in the library's chatroom are both usually a good start.

i wish you well, and hope you enjoy your stay!

Hi and welcome!

Your story is a familiar one. As to "what you are" it sounds like you might be submissive and perhaps a little bit masochistic, but those are pretty high level, simple labels that we apply to complex people so don't think they mean too much. This site has a lot of good people who would love to get to know someone and build a relationship over time, and there's no reason why you shouldn't be able to expect that.

Also don't trust anyone who tries to tell you that a "real" submissive would do X, or that you should like or do anything that you don't. Don't trust anyone who makes a lot of demands or pushes you past your comfort zone. Don't trust anyone who makes you feel badly about yourself or who makes you unhappy.

Unless you're in your late 70s you've got plenty of time to figure things out and find the right person. Take your time to explore and find what's right for you, speak up with any questions, fears, concerns, or doubts you have, and demand that they be taken seriously.

Again, welcome!

For a long time now I knew that regular sex just wouldn't do it for me.

That is because you are Masochist meaning you get sexual pleasure from receiving pain. Being restrained excites you and it should because you need it. Not getting what you need is a bit depressing right? Well as I have said before there is no substitute for r/l. Check into Fetlife at www.fetlife.com and see what events are in your town. You can start where the real action is and meet people that are into this. It is perfect really because they are large groups. You are not alone and you will be with people who are starting out and people who are very knowledgeable. On-line is great but it is not going to get you laid in a BDSM fashion.


I got another boyfriend but I figured I'd try out this internet long distance relationship thing because I thought I could be honest about how I felt sexually because we would never meet. I told him about my submissive tendencies and things I fantasized about. I don't think he was dominate to me because eventually the things I felt like I wanted became too much for him to even type them out for me. Furthermore, I felt like I would much rather dominate him than have him do me.

Well anyone tops the person not topping. Never make the mistake of going vanilla if you are into BDSM. Find your own kind. If you are single now for the love of god get your own kind. Trying to make someone who doesn't get this to understand this is a waste of your life. It never works because it is not in their soul and who wants someone whacking on you that doesn't get it?

Which brings me to problem a) I have no idea what I'm doing. I am totally incapable of giving myself an orgasm through masturbation. My mind wanders and I actually get bored with it. I feel like somethings missing and I just get no where.

I wouldn't let that worry you. Focus on getting into the scene. There is nothing at all boring about THAT!

Which leads 2 problem b) all the time I'm fantasizing about what it would be like to be dominated or something like that. I have no idea about how to go about finding a master or a dominate and to be completely honest I'm oblivious to when I attract male attention.

Real life is the best way. It is public and then you can make your friends in person and choose what you want. Plus there are demos and scenes everywhere. You will learn everything and see everything and get a real BDSM life. It rules!!!

This lead to c) I believe that when I find out someone likes me I become terrified of them. I trust people easily but I'm not sure if I could trust someone with this part of me that just craves to belong completely and utterly to one person, especially if I don't know them so well. But I know for a fact that vanilla sex just doesn't cut it. I start to think of everything but what we are doing. And the dominance play is the only way that I get excited enough to lose myself.

Well you are confusing putting a person in your first circle right off the bat. People should start in your third circle where they are merely acquaintances and then they can work on trust with you and then slowly be moved to the second circle where most of your friends already are. Then if they are lucky the few and rare move on to the first circle. That is where you trust them with life and death and yes your most intimate feelings. As a Mistress I expect pure trust and pure honesty. I will not tolerate less from someone in my first circle. If you place someone in the right place to begin with then you will not be terrified of them. They are not allowed to just go ape with you. They must be respectful and earn their way to the top.

Mistress Fiera

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Originally Posted by curiouskiwi

Hello all..

I'm not quite sure how 2 word this so I'm going to just put it as clear and bluntly as I can and hopefully my point/question gets across.

For a long time now I knew that regular sex just wouldn't do it for me. The first time I had sex my mind kept wandering and I couldn't for the life of me stop thinking about how wrong it felt. The only time I truly felt pleasured or into it was when he'd do things that would cause a little pain or make sure I couldn't get away. I kept hoping he'd do more of those things but he never did. Eventually, we broke up.

I got another boyfriend but I figured I'd try out this internet long distance relationship thing because I thought I could be honest about how I felt sexually because we would never meet. I told him about my submissive tendencies and things I fantasized about. I don't think he was dominate to me because eventually the things I felt like I wanted became too much for him to even type them out for me. Furthermore, I felt like I would much rather dominate him than have him do me.

Which brings me to problem a) I have no idea what I'm doing. I am totally incapable of giving myself an orgasm through masturbation. My mind wanders and I actually get bored with it. I feel like somethings missing and I just get no where. Which leads 2 problem b) all the time I'm fantasizing about what it would be like to be dominated or something like that. I have no idea about how to go about finding a master or a dominate and to be completely honest I'm oblivious to when I attract male attention. This lead to c) I believe that when I find out someone likes me I become terrified of them. I trust people easily but I'm not sure if I could trust someone with this part of me that just craves to belong completely and utterly to one person, especially if I don't know them so well. But I know for a fact that vanilla sex just doesn't cut it. I start to think of everything but what we are doing. And the dominance play is the only way that I get excited enough to lose myself.

I'm not sure if I managed to make my problem clear but I hope I did. I really hope someone here can help me with this too.

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First off....all of what your describing is perfectly normal for an emerging submissive. Especially one who is having trouble making a connection in the community and is dissatisfied with the online contrivances...Ive been through some of the very same things myself.

So relax...you have plenty of time to get focused and you sure don't need to rush into anything...go at your own pace and keep your wits about you, be safe first and kinky second.

Some fantasies are perfectly normal to keep as fantasies too, not everything that flashes through one's head need be tried out necessarily.

Educate yourself...the forums are full of useful information, as is the non-fiction selection of books on the topic of bdsm. Heck Barnes and Noble even has a section for it now.

Additionally one can find a fetish convention, public dungeon, or munch with very little effort via google (just type the name of your city followed by the keyword for what your looking for and be amazed at all the results to choose from)...we even have a whole list of fetish events to attend that are open to the public and safe listed a little further down in the forums so you don't need to run off and join any meat market sites like collarme or fetlife.

Thank you all for your advice. I did manage to find a cybermaster(baby steps kiwi baby steps I say) and I'm more happy now that I was when I was actually getting sex. Its like afuckingmazing. I love doing tasks for my Master I love fantasizing about what he does. All of it is amazing.

I'm very surprised at how well my Master knows me. He seems to know things about me that I don't and I'm perfectly fine with it cuz he's the Master. I never knew being submissive could make me this happy. Its exciting very very exciting :)