A Dom's Emotions

What kind of emotion do subs like to see from their Doms during play?

Looking at a lot of BDSM videos and pics, it always seems to me that the Dom is not very into it emotionally. Maybe it's because they're working in front of a camera, but they always seem very cold and distant to me, and I was wondering whether that in itself is a turn-on to a sub.

Personally, I tend to be very passionate when I play, and very emotional. Having a woman under my control arouses the hell out of me and it shows, and I've been told that seeing the desire and lust in my eyes is a terrific turn-on. I have a hard time imagining being as emotionally distant during a session as these Masters I see in videos.

---dr.M.

Yo, Doc, long time no read!

You know I think I may have answer to one of your questions. The reason doms in the hot flicks you’ve been watching behind closed doors is, I believe, because they’re made primarily for men -- just like you. So, are you more interested in the sub or the dom? I know which one my dom (dirty old man) focuses on most when he’s watching porn. I tell you he couldn’t give a monkey’s nuts what happening to the guy, he’s only interested in the woman/women.

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I have a hard time imagining being as emotionally distant during a session as these Masters I see in videos.

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I bet you do, and I'm glad you do -- passionate and loving men are just so hot! But I just bet you never have a hard time getting a hard on when you’re watching them either.

Personally, I don't think I could deal with a dom/man like you have described. Sex to me must be passionate. I want my sex full of it! I want the kind of sex you have to clean up with a mop and bucket afterwards! And lots of it!

But most of all I want love with my sex, with a man who's not afraid to show it.

:)

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Originally Posted by Alex Bragi

(snip)
I bet you do, and I'm glad you do -- passionate and loving men are just so hot! But I just bet you never have a hard time getting a hard on when you’re watching them either.

Personally, I don't think I could deal with a dom/man like you have described. Sex to me must be passionate. I want my sex full of it! I want the kind of sex you have to clean up with a mop and bucket afterwards! And lots of it!

But most of all I want love with my sex, with a man who's not afraid to show it.
:)

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I agree with your position, here. I think that a dom/me without emotion would just be a punishment machine. One of the beauties of proper D/s, seems to me, is the interaction with the ~emotions~ of the other. The subs' 'profit' in the situation is the pleasure they feel in pleasuring the dom/me. The dom/me's 'profit' is their own satisfaction, and the pleasuring and control of the subs.

Someone who keeps themselves from showing their emotions usually ends up totally selfish, alone without friends or loved ones, and 'emotionally constipated'.

chksng19

What a very interesting point, dr_mabeuse. And it's one on which my view has completely changed in relatively recent times. Without going into any detail, the person i used to sub to (in r/l) was fairly cold, unemotional...but almost in a sort of..fake sense. At the time, i'd have said this was a strict necessity, but when it eventually dawned (on both of us) that he was only doing it for my benefit (Ds, i mean), it was with much sadness that i realised that he wasn't actually being himself...he's nothing like that in the rest of life, hence he was using it to cover up how he really felt about it.

When i eventually met up with my current Dom (who i met online)..the experience was quite different which in turn created totally different feelings in me, from a submissive POV. The...emotion, pleasure, ecstasy, sheer happiness at being my dominant that was evident in his body language and in his eyes was....well, awesome, is the only word i can think to describe it. It was at this point that i realised that in fact, whilst i obviously like a dominant to behave 'dominantly' (yes, really! LOL), i no longer thing it is preferable for them to behave like an automaton, in fact, to see some element of emotion and unabridged pleasure at dominating me, makes me feel proud and more comfortable with being submissive than i could ever have imagined.

So, having see it from both sides, i definitely agree that the latter is better, dominant is fine, but if someone doesn't feel some element of emotion from having such power over another person...well, there's something up with that, IMO.

sl

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Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse

What kind of emotion do subs like to see from their Doms during play? .

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I like to get my master so worked up, he can hardly speak.
Nothing like those two word sentences in a husky voice,
passion in his eyes, lust oozing from his pores, and his arousal
showing in all the right places to keep me excited.

Sometimes the guys in those movies look like they're paying
their bills. Uugg! If the girl is wiggling, she can get away
with what we call the "I'm working on my to do list" while you're giving
it to me. Either way, if one of them is not participating, its a
turn off for me.

In contrast, we saw this hot "vampire" themed movie where
the guys were taking a lot of pleasure in satisfying their pets.
In two scenes the girls went from acting to responding
to forgetting about the camera for awhile. That was really nice.

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Personally, I tend to be very passionate when I play, and very emotional. Having a woman under my control arouses the hell out of me and it shows, and I've been told that seeing the desire and lust in my eyes is a terrific turn-on. I have a hard time imagining being as emotionally distant during a session as these Masters I see in videos.

---dr.M.

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I bet seeing and experiencing you in passionate state arouses the
hell out of her, too.

This is a really interesting question - one for which I don't have an immediate answer (so forgive me if I babble my way to an answer).

I like things varied and unpredictable, so I don't think I have one set preference. It depends on the mood I'm in, what type of scene we're having, who I'm with, etc.

For the most part, my husband/dom is very emotional and passionate. He wears his heart on his sleeve. That can be wonderful. It's beautiful seeing him excited and aroused. But if we're playing with humiliation and/or degradation, it wouldn't work for me--it wouldn't evoke the "right" feelings in me--if he wasn't at least a little bit cold, distant and unemotional. With that said, he needs to finish off any scene with warmth, love and emotion to center and ground me. Does that make sense?

I did once have a previous dom who was very distant and cool--almost icily so--yet he still managed to be incredibly passionate. This will probably sound very unsubmissive, but I lived for the moments when I finally broke him and cracked through the ice. It was extremely arousing to me, but I love a challenge. Honestly, I've never had a more satisfying D/s relationship than I had with him. Was it because he wasn't overly or outwardly emotional? Probably not, but it might have played a part. However, I also don't know if he and I could have sustained a satisfying relationship (we broke up because of geographical difficulties). While the 10 months we were together were mind-blowingly awesome, I think I need a little more warmth from my life partner.

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Originally Posted by chksng19

I agree with your position, here. I think that a dom/me without emotion would just be a punishment machine. One of the beauties of proper D/s, seems to me, is the interaction with the ~emotions~ of the other. The subs' 'profit' in the situation is the pleasure they feel in pleasuring the dom/me. The dom/me's 'profit' is their own satisfaction, and the pleasuring and control of the subs.

Someone who keeps themselves from showing their emotions usually ends up totally selfish, alone without friends or loved ones, and 'emotionally constipated'.

chksng19

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I agree with you ,but at times it may just be the persons nature (as the case is for me). They may be of that type that fears showing emotions.

I am from that type and to be honest with you it hurts her if I pretend to have so much emotions and she feels guilty.

I am not brutal ,but I think someone who keeps his or her emotions in check are not bad doms as they will know when to stop and approach carefully and try not to cross the limits.

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Originally Posted by dr_mabeuse

Looking at a lot of BDSM videos and pics, it always seems to me that the Dom is not very into it emotionally. Maybe it's because they're working in front of a camera, but they always seem very cold and distant to me, and I was wondering whether that in itself is a turn-on to a sub.

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i've also seen this a lot in public scenes. So much so that Master and i started using the term "Stand and flog" to describe people like that. i'm not sure if it's some myth that Doms are to be that way that causes this kind of behavior or not.
Personally i love when Master shows emotion. i can't get enough of it during a session, the love, the lust and self control not to mention the stern sadistic emotions as well. All sides of who He is tends to come out during a scene and i crave every one of them.
The only time i've seen Him hold back and be distant is during a punishment. The distance, is a form of punishment in itself but also a way for Him to keep His loving and caring side from getting the task done.

One of the reasons I asked about this is because I always thought that a big part of a sub’s pleasure in putting up with what she does comes from the knowledge of how her sacrifice and pain arouses her master.

Certainly there are painsluts who just get off on the physical sensation of being bound and whipped or tortured, just like there are people who cut themselves with razor blades because they like the sensation and the sight of their own blood. I consider that masochism of the purest sort, where physical pain is the main goal. But for other subs—at least the ones I’ve played with—I always assumed that seeing the master get aroused is a major turn-on. Knowing that her suffering is fuel for his fire is what makes it all worthwhile. It’s what she gets in return for her sacrifice.

I can see where coldness and emotional distance in a Dom could also be a turn-on. I know that there are plenty of subs who like to feel that they’re no more than a sex-toy, a sexual object to be used for another’s pleasure, to be whipped and tortured for no better reason than that their Dom simply feels like doing it to them. But rage and lust are closely linked in a lot of men--the urge to dominate and possess—and I think that being the subject of that wild, almost uncontrolled passion is a turn on for a lot of women.

Anyhow, that’s a theory I’m working on.

---dr.M.