Confusion of an ex-abusee.
So... I kinda want to get stuff out. Get some perspective. I'm feeling confused and I probably should have posted this a long time ago but I didn't.
I'm submissive, and I've known since... I dunno. Before I had sex, in any case. My first, long-term relationship was pretty messed up. I stayed with her for a long time, and I didn't want to. I don't know why I did. Maybe just for the sex, or companionship. I've said I was afraid to break up with her, that I wanted to fix her, and I think a part of me did, but that can't have been all. She lived close by. Maybe I was afraid to leave someone who could mess up my life so much. But honestly... I think I stayed because I wanted sex.
Not that sex with her was particularly good. I mean, we never loved each other. I couldn't even kiss her properly. But maybe I'm addicted to it. Or was, at least. I don't think I am now.
Early in our relationship, she hit me. Sometimes. When I had been bad, I guess. Or just when she wanted to take things out on me. I told her it wasn't okay to hit me. Eventually she stopped. She didn't stop yelling at me. Regularly, I guess twice a week on average, something would go wrong. She'd yell at me for... I guess half an hour, an hour at a time? I know she did it for two hours at one stage. She told me I was a bad, awful person. I can still hear it, so clearly, now. "You're not a good person, you know that?" All the time. She did bad things to me, sexually. She once touched my genitals with a (sharp...ish) sword, threatening to cut me. I don't think she would have, but she was at least playing with me. She cheated on me. I have no idea how often. Once I came home from work to find her sucking off some guy I'd never seen. In my living room. I just went into my room and went to bed. Didn't eat, didn't come out. I think he stayed for most of the night.
I feel like I abused her. For staying with her. For saying that I loved her, when I didn't. I could barely stand being around her. I mean, I know what she did to me was far worse, but... I did bad things too. Y'know, it sounds so stupid saying this, because I can't think of anything I did to her. The worst I did was flip out and try to break up with her. I screamed and told her to never see me again, and told her if she came back that I'd kill her. This was after an hour of being screamed at. We didn't stay broken up for very long. And still, I feel like I'm the bad one for doing what I did.
After two years we eventually did break up. It was horrible. She called me up and screamed at me some more. And then we never spoke again. For six months, at least. I had one quick phone conversation with her. It didn't end well.
I wasn't okay when we broke up. I'd been depressed before but... not like that. After about a month of having left her, I started yelling at myself. I hurt myself. I told myself I was a bad person, put myself down. Told myself that I wasn't real. Spent ages alone, crying in corners. Often put myself in small spaces, closets, for periods of time. I went so far inside myself once I didn't even realise my roommate was in the room trying to help me. Couldn't feel him trying to touch me, couldn't hear him.
I'm a bit better now. I don't cry often. I don't put myself down much at all, and when I do, it's not for very long. I'm trying to be strong, and get better. I have a boyfriend now. I love him. He's always good to me. He's been so strong to be with someone so broken as I am. He's been so strong to not abuse me, even when I wanted him to.
I guess this comes to the bit I really came hear to talk about.
I'm submissive. He's dominant. Sometimes we play with BDSM. But I don't come out okay. We've never played for long, but whenever we do... I start going backwards. I'd been getting so much better, I hadn't hurt myself at all in months, and then we decided to try BDSM again, and... now I'm not okay again. I'm not super bad like I was before, but... it's still a backwards step. I don't know what to do.
I think I would be happy with a vanilla relationship with him. I think that's mostly what I want. I definately don't want a 24/7 relationship. But... it's fun to play sometimes. I don't feel like I can leave BDSM alone, and I don't really want to, but it's so bad for me, and I don't want to go backwards. I don't know. I don't even know what to say now.
I'm sorry for such a long post. And I'm sorry that I spent so much time talking about my sob story. I'm just trying to reach out and get better.
