Love? Hate? What's the difference?

I hope this is the right area to post my question. I am fairly new to these forums. Very new, actually. But I've taken some time to look over the different posts and discussions, mainly by fellow submissives. I haven't read absolutely all of them, but I've at least learnt that there's a supposed distinction to be made between abuse and BDSM.

But I have come across a kind of quandary and I was hoping that some of you might be able to enlighten me. I have personally never been in a Master/slave relationship, though I long for one like it. I'm not wanting to rush into anything, mind you. I realize that trust must be earned, and I know there's a fine line between fantasy and reality. The problem I face is that my fantasies seem to be particularly violent. This is a serious issue, at least to me, because in the wrong hands it could end very badly. I can't stop thinking about being forced to do what someone else, preferably someone older and stronger than I am, orders me to on a regular basis. I think about being controlled, humiliated, insulted, ridiculed, intimidated, spit on, physically assaulted, beaten, strangled, sliced up, made to puke, maybe even stabbed or impaled and forced to perform degrading sex acts even when I don't want to--basically all what most people might call abuse. I could go on, but I'll just say that spanking and whipping are just too vanilla for me for some reason I can't explain, and according to some posts I've read, or from what I've understood anyway, the kind of treatment that I want is supposed to be a big no-no as consent plays a big role in a BDSM lifestyle. But what if I'm consenting to being forced and abused even when I'm not consenting in the particular moment, if you understand what I mean? It's basically this fantastical idea I have that someone hates me, wants to own me and wants to see me suffer for their own enjoyment that turns me on. I can't get off thinking about anything else.

I know it can be dangerous. I'm very well aware of the fact that there's a lot of people out there who might want to take advantage of someone like me. I could be killed, right? I've taken that into consideration, which is why I thought a safe place like this might be able to help me out. I'm just not sure if there's anyone out there who would be comfortable with this kind of stuff and also know how to stop when they have to. Please don't think I'm making this up or that I'm trying to pretend for whatever reason. Is anyone else out there like me? Are there any people out there who get off to this like I do, but on the sadistic side?

There are people out there that want the same things you do and also those who would like to do what you want. What I've learned in my experince is that it's easy to point at something you don't understand and call it abuse, but if it's what you want, then it's what you want. Don't let people tell you it's wrong.

That being said, you wants are very extreme, you'll have to be very careful with what you do and who you do it with. I would recommend the following:

- Even though you want it to basically be nonconsentual, even you have a limit. Set those before hand, with the things you want, you need to have hard limits completely established.

- Be very, VERY careful who you play with. Spend a great deal of time with the person before you play that deeply. Play in the more vanilla sense at first, set limits and make sure the person sticks to them. Talk to them a lot, be totally honest.

- Even though I know it sounds contradictory to your wants, make sure that you set specific times for things to happen and set a safeword that means absolutely nothing can go on. You are only human, there will be times when your body won't permit you to do those things to you.

- When you find the person you play with, always seek medical attention and/or first aide for any wounds you recieve. You won't be able to play that hard for long if you don't take care of yourself. Make sure you recover inbetween scenes as well.

I hope that helps. Keep searching, you'll find what you're searching for. Be well :)

diphyodont there are a lot of people who feel the way you do and enjoy finding a place to explore the darker side of themselves in a safe environment. Do be careful, of course, getting to know someone will reduce the risk of meeting someone who is.. "not what you're looking for" or dangerous/abusive. I did not find your scenarios to be abusive. Exploring your own desires with another party is normal. Being careful, where ever your desires take you in this world, is just very important.

Brkndrgn- I love -all- of your advice! :)

Also remember that once you actually start to do some of the things your fantasizing about you will most likely find they are not nearly so fantastic as your imagination has been making them out to be.

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Originally Posted by denuseri

Also remember that once you actually start to do some of the things your fantasizing about you will most likely find they are not nearly so fantastic as your imagination has been making them out to be.

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Yes, that is apparently true for a number of us: especially 'bdsm starvation' can make the fantasies bloom into something that the real thing would crush. There is a difference between fantasy material, and feeling it. For me, anyway ;-)

So it may be that when you try something out, you find that less will do it. But of course it is also possible that you are right on target with your ideas, in which case please listen to the good advice about safety, and consider finding someone who can pretend hate, but who does not really hate you. Alternatively, have a spotter.

Best of luck.

not only will there be many with your same interests, but i really think that this is a good opportunity to remind everyone that it is important for yourself and your partner to truly know each other. by taking the time to get to truly know each other first, it gives your partner the chance to get to know and understand your reactions, limits, needs, and wants to a much better degree...which will go a long way toward helping them to know when they may be approaching any boundaries during a scene and keeping things safe, sane, and consentual.

best wishes.

Thank you all for your responses and advice. I'm feeling a bit better about myself now. I was starting to think maybe there was something wrong with me, because reading about other people's desires and reading about some of the fiction/stories on this website I was starting to feel like maybe I was too extreme. I do understand the importance of safety. I truly don't want to end up in a shallow grave in someone's back yard, but at the same time, I can't control my urges. Not having actually done many of the things I think about, yeah, maybe I will find some aren't as great as I imagine, but it's all a part of experimentation, right?

As for the hate thing, I'm not sure I'd want to be attacked by someone who does actually hate me. Feigning hate would work for me, just as long as my Master could feign it well enough, particularly during play. I don't actually want to be killed or risk it more than I have to. It's just a part of my fetish that kinda evolved over time.