Curious and frustrated

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05-09-2012
BlasphemousRumours

Curious and frustrated

I'm testing the waters with bdsm and I'd like to talk to an experienced dominant about it through pm. I'm unsure where I even land with being a dominant or a submissive. I don't have a take charge attitude, but I'm stubborn at times. I'm very frustrated and confused, so I was hoping that a talk might possibly clarify things for me. I'm in a very serious relationship and we're pretty open with our sex life but he doesn't seem to get it when I bring this up, so he's not much help in working this out with me. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
05-10-2012
denuseri

I highly recommend that instead of getting help in private from some online personality you cant possibly ever know that you get your help out in the open where everything can be above board.

What exactly do you mean when you say "pretty open" and "he doesn't seem to get it"?

Are you sitting him down and outright telling him hey guess what I am turned on by bondage and discipline and would like to try it with you"?

Additionally when one is first starting out the last thing you need to worry about is fitting into some preconceived "role" of being submissive or dominant etc.

For instance plenty of us are take charge at work but submit at home or vice versa.
05-10-2012
BlasphemousRumours

I asked for help in private because I have trouble making myself post things back out in the open because I'm very shy and awkward. I worry too much about what people will think when they hear or read what I have to say. We've discussed that I'm turned on by the thought of it and would really like to try it out. He doesn't seem to get what it actually means or what to do. He seems to wave the idea off because he thinks a little rough handling is all I need or want but it isn't. Sure hair pulling, biting, smacks, and such are great but that's not enough for me. I like pain along with pleasure. It's very frustrating to me to continually be denied this. I love sex and I'm very sexual but I always seem to feel like there should be something more. It's not enough for me to go at it normally or even to have what he considers rough sex.
05-11-2012
leo9

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlasphemousRumours

I asked for help in private because I have trouble making myself post things back out in the open because I'm very shy and awkward. I worry too much about what people will think when they hear or read what I have to say. We've discussed that I'm turned on by the thought of it and would really like to try it out. He doesn't seem to get what it actually means or what to do. He seems to wave the idea off because he thinks a little rough handling is all I need or want but it isn't. Sure hair pulling, biting, smacks, and such are great but that's not enough for me. I like pain along with pleasure. It's very frustrating to me to continually be denied this. I love sex and I'm very sexual but I always seem to feel like there should be something more. It's not enough for me to go at it normally or even to have what he considers rough sex.

If you are too shy to spell out what you need - and I know it can be hard - then try going through the stories on this site till you find some that sound like the scene you want, then post the links to him. If you send him enough the penny should drop!

But you should start to prepare for the possibility that it's not that he doesn't get it: he just isn't able to do what you want. Has he said why he won't do more than "rough sex"? Most guys would think Xmas had come early if their girlfriend asked to be tied up and spanked hard, but for some the rule that you don't hit women is too deep rooted.

It's a very sad fact, which we see regularly on this forum, that people can be happily in love but sexually incompatible. I hope I'm wrong, but you need to be ready for it.
05-11-2012
VeniVidi

Hi BlasphemousRumours.

The main reason that people have for suggesting that discussions are held in the open such as in a forum is that when someone speaks rubbish they can be exposed as frauds and/or inept so that others will know not to rely on what they say.

From what I have studied of psychology and human behaviour, I have learnt a great deal about shy people, and I have had to work hard to overcome my own shyness, but am even now apt to revert to hiding inside my shell. I have had anxiety attacks as well as severely depressed periods. Naturally confident people do not understand us.

My door is open to anyone who wants to ask a question. there is no need to ask permission first. I often point people to where they can find the answer to a question on a reputable site rather than try to answer it myself (as many questions are deep and involved). I generally try to answer with my own opinion if I can though - one of the things that has been "drilled into me" that a human being should try to do, and incidentally one of the things I have had to practice doing in order to build my own confidence.

I fundamentally disagree with those that insist that shy people should discuss their business in public. I may, of course, be speaking rubbish according to them when I say that. Our lifestyle is consensual and should not be dictated by the extraverts.

Hoping this helps
VV
05-11-2012
Austerus

At the very least if you _have_ to speak with someone privately then ask around to regulars for references on the person before trusting too much in what they have to say. People who don't know anyone or have any references at all are usually some flavor of bad news.
05-11-2012
VeniVidi

It is good practice to question who you can trust to give accurate and truthful answers, but I contend that it is far better to put the same question to more than one person and/or to discuss any answer you get with your friends. After all, we have heard of and possibly know people who have been given bad advice by so called reputable experts such as doctors, finance, advisors and the like; and there is no reason to believe that even a professed bdsm expert wouldn't sometimes give advice that is inappropriate for you (especially without getting to know you thoroughly).
05-12-2012
denuseri

Or use the situation and make a ruse of offering help as a way to take advantage of someone new to the community etc...which is the real reason I recommend being in the open and that seems to happens to a majority of submissives who run off into private messaging with the first supposed dom who walks across their pm box.

It has nothing to do with exposing anyone and everything to do with using common sense and being safe.

As for being shy.

You came to a BDSM site and asked for help. Are we not all kinksters here? Trust me there is nothing your going to reveal that is going to shock us in these forums. lol

The only way your going to get him to try being more bdsm and less vanilla with you is if your open and honest with him and tell him exactly what you want.

Try giving him a non-fiction book as well. Fiction stories can be inspiring but can also be dangerous if relied upon as too much of a template since they are usually a far cry from reality. A book like "The Loving Dominant" by Wiseman (its available online or in book form off the shelf from Barnes and Noble) may get what your trying to tell him across.
05-12-2012
thir

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlasphemousRumours

We've discussed that I'm turned on by the thought of it and would really like to try it out. He doesn't seem to get what it actually means or what to do. He seems to wave the idea off because he thinks a little rough handling is all I need or want but it isn't. Sure hair pulling, biting, smacks, and such are great but that's not enough for me. I like pain along with pleasure. It's very frustrating to me to continually be denied this. I love sex and I'm very sexual but I always seem to feel like there should be something more. It's not enough for me to go at it normally or even to have what he considers rough sex.

Does the 'not getting it' part mean that you are not explicit in telling him what you want? If he is a vanilla and hasn't hard anything about bdsm before, a lot of loving and explicit explanation is called for. Do you think you have had enough talks about this? To him it must be a baffling new idea, and maybe even scary.

Secondly, have you asked him what he would like? Does the thought of giving pain excite him, or turn him off, or scare him, or does it leave him indifferent?

Love and sex are supposed to be mutually satisfactory, and while loving people can do something for their love that isn't directly in their own line of interest, there is also a limit somewhere where it starts feeling wrong, and such limits should be respected.

All I can say it talk again - communcation is the bridge - and find out what his wants are too. Maybe suggest one thing to do with pain and try to ask him if he can do that, and if he can, do not be impatient if he is not rough enough from the start. Just getting started is the thing, then make it harder bit by bit, and bit by bit taking other things on.

If he finds he does not want to or cannot, you just have to respect that, as i see it. After all, we all have our limits as well as our wants.
05-12-2012
thir

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeniVidi

I fundamentally disagree with those that insist that shy people should discuss their business in public. I may, of course, be speaking rubbish according to them when I say that. Our lifestyle is consensual and should not be dictated by the extraverts.

VV

No one is insisting on anything. A question has been put, and people are just trying to answer to the best of their ability. Of course the OP will make her own decisions.