Is this there a connetion?

Hi
My boyfriend and i have been discussing if bdsm lifestile is something for us. We tried bondage and submissive tasks a few times, and both enjoyed it a lot. Shortly after he begins sleeping a lot, he could fall asleep before the computer. Therefore he ses the doctor. He said that it was possibly was the exam-presure that caused it. That the presure had released to many bad thougths of his childhood. Where he was beaten and thrated badly. Both in school and from his step father.
I'am affraid that there is a connection between us trying bdsm and his problems. Right after we tried bdsm the first time we experienced flourihing in both sexulal life and happienes for each other. After a week we sliped into the normal sexual life again. Suddenly he wasnt able to have sex in a while. Then his exam began and he started sleeping a lot, it got a lot worse after he wisited his mother for christmas.
After returning from hollyday we had a normal sexlife until recently where we again started bdsm. again the same happienes.
My questions is could there be a connetion between his psychological state and bdsm? And have a negative effect on him and can it be worsened by continueing this woyage?

"exam-pressure" can you explain what this is? Did he have an exam, is taking one or is this something else?

Not an expert...but sleeping is a form of escape and he may be escaping from things he can't handle. It sounds like something is hitting his inner switch and powering him down. Diet, exercise, general health, there are lots of contributing physical factors.

That said, we all have triggers that set off types of behavior. What is going on that makes him sleep? It might not be your BDSM explorations at all or it could be those that trigger bad memories.

BDSM activites for the two of you might be ones that avoid those triggers. If he was thrashed as a child, he might not want to be a pain giver or receiver. That's okay. It all comes down to what turns you both on.

Would love to hear from others on this.

tha welcome to the forum. You started off with a good question.

If you do a search on the word abuse in just the forum titles you will find several discussions on whether abuse leads to BDSM. These could be helpfull.

But your question is a little different. Now that BDSM has come into his life could his reaction, sleeping, have anything to do with it. Counslers will remind us that excessive sleep can be a sign of depression. And my experience tells me that BDSM is more than capable of bring to the surface memories of past abuse. And dealing with those memories, especially by yourself, can lead to depression. So could the two be related, posibably.

In either case the main issue that I see is your boyfriend being able to confront those memories and work through the issues and problems they bring about. Weather you deside to continue with you BDSM activities or not this is always going to be an issue for him. The good news in your post is that you know about. It will take time for him to work through this and I would suggest seeking out the help of a counslor. Your help will be important in this process as well. I would suggest that you also talk with the counsler some what as you will be an important part of the healing process. Suffering the abuse is bad enough, and the healing is difficult and can take some time.

I know some others will some more to add.

Good luck to both of you.

Thanks wery much for the replies, it is good to know how other feal on this topic.

explanation of exam pressure: He was supposed to take an exam, but couldnt because he got tired all the time, and his astma broke out again. The doctor meant that the stress of this exam, as well as previously exams had built up to an level which kinda sprung the box in his head that contained all the bad memories from his childhood. The doctor has suggested seing a psychologist, which my boyfriend is going to do.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by tha

Hi
My questions is could there be a connetion between his psychological state and bdsm? And have a negative effect on him and can it be worsened by continueing this woyage?

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There is obviously a connection between one's psychological make up and BDSM, just like there is a connection between one's psychological make up and being strictly vanilla. However, I think you are asking is there a connection between his childhood abuse and BDSM and his depression.

I enjoy BDSM and I've suffered depression. In fact I have suffered two breakdowns in the past. One that took over a year out of my life and one that was only minor compared but that is because I knew what was happening to me.

I can CATEGORICALLY say I had nothing but a happy and well rounded childhood.

I can also CATEGORICALLY say my depression and breakdowns most certainly had nothing to do with BDSM.

However I came to BDSM late and as to whether my depression and first breakdown altered me psychologically to be more in tune with BDSM I can't say and it is something I have wondered about myself. That being said I have found no psychological harm, no altered behaviour patterns and nothing but enjoyment in being involved with BDSM.

I heard a psychologist on the radio say BDSM relationships are broken relationships, suggesting in some sense the people involved are damaged but I have seen absolutely no evidence for that opinion.

Of course I have no way of knowing but I would imagine that there are pressures inpinging on your partner such as his exams and other outside pressures and BDSM is some sort of release.

I'm no expert so this is just my humble opinion and nothing more.

Tha,
I have suffered from the effects of asthma and I just wanted to let you know that it can be triggered by stress. While I do not believe your BDSM activities caused the attack, asthma does drain all the energy out of a person. I am glad to see you care about your partner and are considering all possible causes that could trigger his attacks. I am also glad he is seeking help from a psychologist. I too suffered from abuse so I have been wondering if it will affect my journey into BDSM. I wish you both well on your voyage and want to thank you for your post. It really does help me to hear how others are doing in their BDSM life style.

Hej og velkommen, tha!

As you can see from responses here, your question 'Is there a connection?' is difficult. Yes, everything in a person's life is somehow connected to everything else. But whether there is a direct relation of cause and effect between your recent explorations in BDSM and your boyfriend's current problems... I don't think we can really solve this question on this forum. The closeness in time suggests some sort of causal connection, but as we all know, thereafter does not necessarily mean therefore.

But even without being able to answer the question, I will try to add a few thoughts on the situation you describe to the good ideas above.

Can you have a happy relationship with BDSM?
Yes, I think so.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ProjectEuropa

I heard a psychologist on the radio say BDSM relationships are broken relationships, suggesting in some sense the people involved are damaged but I have seen absolutely no evidence for that opinion.

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I suspect this psychologist was confused by the clinical drift effect. Very unprofessional. In this job, one meets people with relationship problems all the time. It might lead to the impression that all relationships are broken or very problematic, simply because those who are content don't come for counseling. Maybe this person should work a little less and spend some more fun time...

A handy quote from The Five Fallacies About SM:
'There is no proof that people with unusual sexual fetishes or desires are less socially functional than other people. (...) As a group, kinky people are no more or less likely to be troubled than people who are turned on only by straight [here = vanilla] sex. It is no secret, however, that people with sexual kinks tend to seek out counseling because they are confused about their feelings or unable to hold together relationships which do not involve kinky sex. This "clinical drift" skews the perception of kinky people as people who generally have problems with relationships.'

'Suddenly he wasnt able to have sex in a while.'
This is not so uncommon for men or women and can happen for various reasons. Check out the thread Problems with Love.

Can your boyfriend's history of past abuse affect the BDSM aspect of your relationship?
Very probably I think. There is no definite evidence what causes one's sexual interests. However, I think past abuse has an effect on how one approaches BDSM.
As Ruby points out above, certain activities can trigger bad memories. If he wants to avoid those, please don't push him. If he wants to try anyway, he probably needs a lot of honest feedback from you.

What can your boyfriend do?
As you say, see a psychologist and work on it. Be patient with himself, allow himself time to heal. But not only look back. Look ahead too! He is an adult now: they can't do it to him any more. :) He could also read these forums and other useful sources of information.

What can you do?
Let him know how much you enjoy being with him. Let him know how much happiness the BDSM aspect of your relationship brings into your life. Not in a nagging 'Do me, give me more' sense. But as a positive reinforcement. Be patient when he is reluctant.

What can you both do?
Something independent from your BDSM roles... You wrote that his visit to his mother preceded a problematic phase. You could perhaps celebrate your next christmas as a pair. Or, if these visits are important to you at present, arrange doing them together. Nothing like having a loving girlfriend at one's side! It can change the whole group dynamic picture.

Meet people with similar interests at SMil :) forening for sadomasochister:
http://www.sado.dk
I have heard they organise great summer camps... ;)

Meanwhile, I hope you enjoy the forums and all the information and fun they offer.