a cry for help....

i have a problem and Master thought that i might get some helpful insight from others on this board so here i am asking Doms and subs alike....if they have ever experienced anything similar

first a little personal background might help... i am 43 years old and for the first time experiencing a D/s relationship... so despite my age much of what i feel and experience is new to me.
i have always been submissive... it is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes... but i live in a world where that made me a freak of nature...i had buried that part of me so deep that it almost died... and the denial of that part of me was killing me...and i do mean that very very literally... i am a diabetic and i stopped caring....a dangerous combination... i was sleeping almost 20 hours out of every 24... then through a series of accidents (*grin* was taught to chat by a 16 year old who didn't explain the difference between Mature and Adult before sending me off to surf on my own)... i found a whole world of people that knew what i felt.... they were not ashamed of it... they gloried in it.... but i don't jump into things... it takes me a long while and a lot of watching to become involved... i started seeing a lot of pain behind the laughter... there is a dangerous breed on the net ... the Dom wanna' be's and the professional victims who think that being a door mat is what being sub is...

Then one day at a little cyber-bar in He walks... It was an early morning meeting... *grin* he didn't even see me at least i don’t think he did but it was to be an extraordinary day.... the date was 9/11 and less than an hour later the world exploded...we both have family in the military... my eldest son... after that for months we chatted and talked... trust grew and we became friends.... for a full year we build an deep respect for each ... what i didn’t know was that we were creating a beautiful delicate golden leash...

Then one day our relationship changed... he became my Master.. It didn’t happen over night... it was time of negotiation... it was a time of safe words ... it was safe, sane and consensual...and for the first time in my life i found peace...

That was almost 6 months ago.....

Now... the problem... for some reason i have begun to feel this rebellion building in me and to be quite frank it scares me....

There are times when we are in session that i just want to tell him to “f-off”... the thing is i love him so much and i love our relationship... i am so terrified that if i give into this that i will destroy something that for me is more precious than anything in my life.....this is something i protect with everything i can so i don’t know where any of this is coming from...Master says “show me your rebellion and W/we will deal with it” but i an so frightened by the sheer intensity of it....

Even as i write this it almost overwhelms me.... my heart is beating a mile a minute... Master says i need to get past this and the only way is for me to just let it happen... i think maybe if i see that others have gone through times like this and survived and thrived i can let go of the fear...

So i guess what i am asking is for anyone that reads this to share their experiences with rebellion... i am desperately trying to get a handle on this...

~d~

Dear ~d~,

Your Master is right on more than one account. I believe people need to talk. It helps a lot, to hear others opinions, if for no other reason, than at least to be able to clearly formulate your own.
I did not get the feel if you are in RL relationship with your Master or still on line only. It seems like you both developed deep feelings for each other, and I believe that true love can overcome all obstacles. I cannot say I have ever been truly in your situation, but I have a feeling I know where you coming from. Being trained and expected to suppress the submissive side, being strong and domineering most of your life, no matter how much you yearn and love/enjoy being dominated, your other side must kick in from time to time. We were all told, conditioned that feeling this, totally submitting to another is wrong. It is hard to give it up, to surrender the control, no matter how good it feels once you do it.
So my advice to you is: talk about it with your Master, no matter how many times over, and when you do feel rebellion, if he knows to expect it he might be able to help you get through it, guide you and maybe you will be able to push your limits and drop that last defense in order to completely enjoy that what you are looking for: surrender to Master and total unquestionable love that will fulfill you.
I hope you find what you looking for, in the mean time – enjoy the journey.

okay for a little more clearence....

O/our relationship is cyber... and i know for some that means it is less than real... for U/us it just means we have certain obsticles that must be overcome... one of those is it that we can't depend on physical cues... so showing him that rebellion can seem impossible...

It's funny in away because i think much of what you are saying is very appicable to me.... i am and have always been in a postion of athority... In the work world i am middle management... the sub side loves the structure and rules... but it also means that i have people look to me for leadership... and to be honest i am good at it...

*grin*

it's so complicated at time... in some ways the pressures that are placed on me are strickly and squarely place on my shoulders by me... i have this way of over thinking issues... Master has suggested to me that it might be nothing more than an natural progression in my own personal growth... and your answer suggests that you on some level agree and i find that very comforting...

one of the things that still worries me is the intensity of this feeling... i just don't know how natural that part is.... but when i go to subspace i go fast and i go deep...the intesity of it is awsome... so i wonder if the intensity of the rebellion is magnified by the state i am in at the time....

i just don't know the answer...and i have a fear of the unknown... this is a big unknown... there is a part of me that wonders if at least in part i am not testing Masters resolve... and that scares me too....


redEva.. thank you for giving me somethings to consider that i hadn't thought of before ...if you or anyone else has an other suggustions i would love to hear them....

thanks
~d~

Dear,

Glad if what i said helped even a little. Having an on-line relationship can be just as intense as any RL one. Just, you are going to have a bit harder time working it out, i’m afraid, than if your Master had you in flash. I find that i can get much easier and deeper in subspace while cybering, than in RL session. On the other hand Master has much more to work with, if it is RL session. Honestly, it surprises me that you even hit the rebellion mode in cyberspace, for me nothing can go wrong there. Still, as i said – talk to him. Do you do voice chat or straight messaging. If you do voice it would be easier. As for testing His resolve, *grin*, i believe most subs do from time to time, and most Doms like it that way. Don’t be scared of it, you are being tested every time you have session, He is testing your limits, your interests and responses. I believe that is healthy and important in relationship, otherwise we would take each other for granted.

Here – my humble thoughts. You will work it out – take care of yourself!

*smile*

Hello d,

Our history is very similar though after a year of on-line we did meet in person and begin our lives together. That was 6 years ago, or maybe 7 now. LOL!

I would guess (based only on my own experience) that you need to rebel to be _sure_ that he is the Dom/Master he says he is. A year is a long time to go cyber only, believe me, I know this! :)

I don't know if all submissive women go through this, but I know I did. I had to _make sure_ that he was what he said he was. I know that sounds awful, but when you are only in cyber, it's wise to 'test' who you are dealing with because so often, people are simply not who or what they say they are.

Is there any possibility of meeting in real life???

I think that would solve much of the problem and put a whole new perspective on things. One can't be a cyber submissive forever and perhaps part of what you are feeling is a restlessness to make it all _real_ in real life as well as cyber. I don't know that I could have held on much longer than I did! LOL! We met about one year to the day we began our cyber adventure and it's been a wild joyride since then. Of course, now we have 2 small children and another on the way and so don't get to have nearly as much fun as we used to. :)

I truly wish the best to you both!

Pooka

To be honest, I get through my rebellions too. You have to sit down and ask yourself "Why do I feel this way?" Then, when you have figured that out perhaps discuss it with your master as to what the two fo you can do to rectify the situation. Does he need to be more strict? Has he been lax? Or are you ready to advance the relationship or have you become bored? A thousand questions come to mind. Only you truly know the answer, but we will help you muiddle through it as much as possible. :)

okay.. here goes...

i had my moment of total and complete rebellion... and *grin* it was in it's own way a path to a new and better place for me... LT's laughter could be heard from half a contenient away as i told him to just go ..uhmmmm ....*grin* well as i rebelled... and we worked it out...

i was afraid if i was less than the perfect little sub... he would walk... and i have issues where that is concerned...i have in the past had a problem seeing myself worthy of being a part of a reltionship like this...i was a sub living in a vanilla world... and then when i found places like this i just didn't know how to be a part of it... so i sat on the side lines so to speak...i tend to be a watcher...i had gotten this picture in my mind of the perfect sub... and that just wasn't me *grin* sorry i am rambling...

anyway, he didn't walk... he just tightened the controls and i reached a new level of peace in this relationship...what i learned was i don't have to be the perfect sub... all i have to do is be is the submissive that is me... and that is in so many ways the perfect match for the Dom in him....

As for our meeting... i don't know if that will ever be a reality...but who knows and that would depend much on His Lady who i love as much as i love him....

Just a suggestion, But maybe you need some YOU attention... People sometimes just forget that there is 2 people in the relationship. It may be because you are unhappy in other parts of your life and that you are taking it out on him. Just cause your submissive doesnt mean you cant ask and receive things. It means that what you ask and need is important. Your Mental health and wellbeign is in your Masters hands, and he should help you through this with some additional caring sometimes.

Could the problem be broader and not just related to BDSM?

I do not know what your life has been like before you met your master, but if every time or so you had something good or valuable you ended up losing it or it was somehow taken away from you, then you could be unconsciously trying to screw up this seemingly satisfying relationship in order to avoid the pain of possibly losing it one day.

If it is unconscious you will of course not be aware of it. The question is: could this be what is happening?

Of course, only you can tell... I'm not suggesting anything.

We're all waiting to see how you're coping.

Take care.

Cheers

Where did ~d~ go? How did this ever get resolved? Or did I just not read it well enough to see the outcome?

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

Where did ~d~ go? How did this ever get resolved? Or did I just not read it well enough to see the outcome?

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*pops head up from behind the sofa at the mention of my name*

:eyes:

*teasing grin*

"Does this mean you miss me TG?"


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All kidding aside, if you'll read a few post up, i did have my moment of rebellion. There have been a few more since that was written. What we do is we work it out. LT has a way of seeing beyond the surface of what i want to the core of what i need. i seriously doubt LT will ever have smooth sailing with me but i think he knew that going in and he is an incredibly strong Dom

As to where have i gone...

Well i'm lurking around at least several times a week. i just don't have the thick skin it takes to be an active part of this kind of community. i really wish i did but i find myself caring to deeply and getting hurt to easily. i have this totally annoying habit of leading with my heart...

What LT and i have is online and will remain that way. It's been my experience that many people of the community, even those that preach tolerence as the cornor stone of the BDSM lifestyle have no qualms about passing judgement on our relationship labling it as "not real''. Even after two and a half years i find it's exhausting to try and make the blind see because they never do so i just retreat to the safety of silence because the simple truth is i as much as i wish i did...i don't belong and that tends to be the norm rather than the exception for me... i rarely fit in anywhere: real world or cyber...

LT on the other hand has done the whole "real thing" and *grin* beyond not caring how anyone judges him, LT loves to stir the pot in hopes that it will make everyone or *wide eyed innocent look* even a single someone stop if even for a heartbeat and think outside the box...

Beyond that, i have submitted a couple of stories to the library under another name that were well recieved... and may do more in the future...i do enjoy the written word... and *grin* writing keeps me out of trouble when LT is on the road...

i really do appriciate you asking about me... i'd honestly just figured i'd slipped away unnoticed... i guess not...lol...

peace
~d~

Hey ~d~,

It's great to hear from you again! Glad things are still going well with yourself and LT.

i know you're over the rebellion issue now, but if i may ask (tell me i may not if ya like!)...was it a rebellion over a particular issue you felt he handled badly or inappropriately (no offense to LT intended) and didn't know how to say, without being unsubmissive..or was it a general 'pffft, don't need this' rebellion? i'd be really interested to know, for reasons with which i wouldn't spam your thread, but which are close to my heart.

Cheers

lucy x

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Originally Posted by slavelucy

Hey ~d~,

It's great to hear from you again! Glad things are still going well with yourself and LT.

i know you're over the rebellion issue now, but if i may ask (tell me i may not if ya like!)...was it a rebellion over a particular issue you felt he handled badly or inappropriately (no offense to LT intended) and didn't know how to say, without being unsubmissive..or was it a general 'pffft, don't need this' rebellion? i'd be really interested to know, for reasons with which i wouldn't spam your thread, but which are close to my heart.

Cheers

lucy x

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;) feel free to spam my threads anytime you like pretty lady...


i thought this would be relatively easy to explain but the issues are a little complicated....

When i met LT, he was everything i was NOT looking for in a Dom. i was very very sure i knew exactly what i wanted. The Powers that Be knew he was exactly what i needed. The truth be told if i'd had any clue how he would change my life i would have run the other way as fast as i could. What i thought i was looking for was just a pale shadow of the reality of what i got.

One of the things he promised me was total unconditional acceptance but in my experience life just doesn't work like that. Acceptance is never total... and the idea of it being unconditional is just laughable. And i mean face it this is a D/s relationship. It's based on conditions, his and mine. Add to that that we live half a continent away from each other.

If i became a problem it would be so easy for him to just say... "This is just way to much work" and *poof* disappear. If you are living with, dating or married to your Dom disappearing is just a little more complicated than hitting delete or block...

As a result i let my fear of what might happen build a wall between us. *grin* of course from my point of view i thought it was a mile high brick one while he saw that it was a two inch high clear sugar glass one. It totally blinded me to the reality of what we do have. It blinded me to the man he is.

There were moments when i sat here, and it was all i could do to even turn on the computer knowing that i would have to face him because i was being overwhelmed by my own fears. My fear became anger at myself... at him... at life in general...and evolved into rebellion. Beyond that i saw my fears as being emotions that would overwhelm him too. I was so sure that if i released them on him, show him what what was happening inside me, it would drive him away. It was a viscous cycle... The more i wanted to tell him.. the more i felt i couldn't and the more scared i got...

The thing is, in doing that i was cheating him and me. LT is a man of great insight. Funniest part of all this is that he had seen it coming and building up in me long before i even knew it was happening...*grin* he watched as the panic slut in me painted myself into that particular corner but he also knew the only way for me to make peace with it was for me to stop hiding and bring my fears out of the shadows and into the light of day because D/s is not about force.

*grin* i think i sort of went off the deep end when i said he ''wasn't being fair and to just fuc.... " well you get the picture.... lol... i expected anger... i expected him to walk...i expected him to just give up on me... what i got was a laughter filled very simple question..."What does fair have to do with anything?" and a long night of talking and learning...

trust is a such a tricky thing... there is always risk involved... but i have learned the pay off is incredible... see... what i didn't understand was... total unconditional acceptance is his hard limit... there is nothing i can do or say to drive him away... but at the same time... he would never stand in my way if i felt i needed to walk away... *grin* he is big into the whole sane, safe and consensual aspect.... and i thank the Goddess for that...

i don't know if this helps you at all.... i sincerely hope it does...

Peace
~d~

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Originally Posted by ~d~

;) i don't know if this helps you at all.... i sincerely hope it does...

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After a couple of read throughs, it did help, a great deal. *smiles* Thanks so much for taking the time and effort to share it/write it.

sl x

My lover and slave is 18 and this is her first M/s experience, so you can imagine how extremely important it is to me that my slave understands the difference between obedience and servility. With adulthood itself being such new territory for her, I'm constantly monitoring myself to make sure I don't fuck this up. I simply couldn't forgive myself if this became a negative experience for her that would color any future relationships. (she hate's it when I say that, but I'm realistic. I hope the day never comes, but I am doing my best to be prepared to let her go if that's what she wants/needs.)

We've had more than a few situations where she started kicking her heels, sometimes at the right moments, sometimes not. I wholeheartedly agree with RedEva: communication, respect, and patience are ESSENTIAL.

I have the advantage of having had military experience. For two years I was the crew chief of a small unit that was assisting the EOD team (Explosive Ordinance Disposal, "bomb squad" to you civvies :P). The attitude that was fostered among us was one of extreme professionalism, where anyone could speak up no matter the rank. Although adherence to procedure was critically important, we recognized each other's human fallibility. It would be the height of stupidity to become a puddle of shiny red goo just because a junior member was afraid to point out a potential hazard.

I try to foster a similar attitude with my slave. Although it's essential that she trust and obey her Master - because what would be the point otherwise? - it's equally important that she be comfortable with letting Me know when she's worried or unhappy. I am, after all, a GUY, just as subject to being boneheadedly unaware of what's going on in a woman's heart, mind and soul as any other guy.

Your Master has already told you to express yourself, ~d~. I would suggest you follow that order, soldier! :)