Stuck in a rut(+intro)

Hey all,

DH and I have been happily married for 8 years. We've been practicing BDSM for longer than that. DH is very dominant IRL, so he wants to be very submissive in BDSM.

I can say honestly I didn't really "get it" until about 2 years ago. Unfortunately, my not "getting it" has caused a lot of arguments, hurt feelings, and general relationship damage that we are working through. DH has a lot of guilty feelings about his "dark side" and feels I only participate to please him. That used to be true, but it's not so anymore.

Anyway, our current problem is mainly that we're stuck in a rut. I don't push hard enough in session. Don't "take him under", like I used to. We've fallen into a familiar routine of playing that leaves us both unsatisified.

Any suggestions or advice? We're into rubber, bondage, water sports, some nipple/anal play, ants...we get pretty heavy, but not into spanking at all. I've always wanted to try electrical torture or piercings in fantasy, but am skittish about in an actual session.

TIA,
EAB

Is your problem that you are too shy or that you're having a hard time thinking up new and interesting things? If it's the former, then I'd suggest simply being patient and taking your time. Push just a little bit, then a little bit more, go as slowly as you need to. It's not just the sub that requires some security and patience.

If it's the latter, visit the library on this site! There's so many ideas in there, you'll never have time to try them all.

Some other things: Don't push yourself into this if you don't want to. Don't feel compelled to do things when you don't feel like it. Save any sexual activity for when you feel horny. Make sure he understands that you enjoy it. Worry is a big turn-off. Talk about anything that worries you and talk with him to make sure nothing is worrying him.

I hoped that helped some. Lots of luck to you.

Not so much that I'm shy, but we've had our share of bad pain oopsies that it seems easier to stick to the things we know. So then it comes to the point of "o, this again" and just doesn't trip the trigger. I think all long term relationships get stuck in a rut from time to time, even BDSM ones(though it takes longer, more things to try :) ). We're just in one.

Thanks for responding. It helps to talk about it to people that understand.

EAB

I agree with the fact that all relationships can get there, regardless of lifestyle. There is a reason for the phrase "seven year itch"

What works for us is that we only "session" once or twice a month. We have pretty vanilla sex the rest of the time. I try to introduce a new idea each time. It starts with a comment or question about something I read here or in chat. Then we have a couple weeks to think about it before it happens.

The talking, planning, buying toys or making equipment leading up to the moment is usually as exciting as the event itself.

They say the mind is the most powerful sex organ.

Good luck!

Rather than try to do an entire new scene, would you consider doing the research that duktig flicka suggested in the library, and introduce one little new thing each time .... at a point in the scene where it wouldn't be expected.

I try to do that in our play. That way I don't have to think so hard that I get out a the zone, I have something to look forward to, and she has no idea when something new is coming. It doesn't have to be anything major, just something like ice at the right moment, or a new way of doing something .... do you use floggers? Why not change the pace?

Just a thought.

A LOT. Good thing mostly, though a little emotional at times. Mostly we're going to not try for OVER the top all the time. Instead of zero to sixty, operate sometimes at 20-30 and save the high-flying for special times.

We are very rarely completely vanilla. But, there's the kind of doodling, soft playing and the hard deep playing. probably more of the soft doodling and really well planned, thought out, new and exciting deep stuff once or twice a month.

Part of this was also due to a failed IVF attempt this past month. When you're medically hopped up on hormones and prohibited from having sex for 6 weeks, things tend to deteriorate.

Happy playing,

EAB