How to bring out the dom in vanilla partner?

Hello all! I'm new here, though I've been reading the forum for a while as a guest. I did search through the boards to see if there was a similar post on the subject, but couldn't find one.

I've had sub tendencies for a long time, though haven't had much opportunity to explore that. Am married to my best friend. He knows of my sub tendencies and interest in exploring BDSM, and says he's willing to try some things. I'm trying to ease him into it a little bit to keep things comfortable - a blindfold here, a tie there. Pretty tame, but I don't want to turn him off either.

I know he has a dominant side and likes being in control. I'm just trying to figure out a way to bring that side out a little more. I got copies of The Loving Dominant and SM 101 - I've read both cover to cover (awesome for newbies!), but then I'm an avid reader. He hasn't taken the time to read those yet, however.

So I'm open to further suggestions. Surely there were vanilla days for some of you. What helped ease you into domming?

Thanks!
Karin

Karin,

The question you ask is more complicated that you might think.

I have been trying to ease my husband in that direction for a while but he has no desire to be Dominant. Now if your husband actually has a desire and you have offered you submission to him on a silver platter, I think he will move on from there.

Here are a few things that might help.

Look up a BDSM inventory or checklist. Spend a night each checking off what you are interested in doing, what you are willing to do and how much interest you have in said activity. This will give you tons to discuss. We found it very rewarding.

Also discuss safe words with you husband. I think one big hang up with life partners is they feel they are not supposed to hurt you or they are worried they will lose control and go too far. If you have a safe word then he could possibly feel a little more relaxed about proceeding.

Be sure he knows as much as you do about your current limits. If you get to play, your limits will change but you can't know how when or how this will occur until you get to play and try things.

If you are into pain. Call it sensation and NOT pain unless HE is clear about being into giving you pain.

If you have bruises or other lovely mementos later that you enjoy, don't talk about it still hurting unless you are sure he will be happy to have marked you and hurt you. (This can scare off men who don't want to hurt you.)

If he does something you don't consider to be what you want, remember you are putting him in charge, so tread gently unless he is going past your stated limits and/or ignoring your safe word. Men are so often like little boys, if you express the slightest dissatisfaction they will sulk and find a new game to play, possibly with a new toy.

If he does something you like act like it and later shower him with praise. "Oh honey! I keep thinking about how you grabbed me the other night and just took me, doing what YOU wanted to and it makes me so happy, I'm dripping right now." Be honest though, you have to have really liked it and really be dripping. Make him feel and verify. *winks* Which brings us to...

Tease, tease, tease him. Don't let an opportunity go by in which you are not teasing him and making him simmer. Keep the anticipation up. Prime the pump.

Finally, talk and act like this is a great adventure you can talk together. It is. Each new activity is a wonderful ride. You might find you don't like the Tea Cups (figging). You might find you prefer the carousel (spanking). Whichever, just enjoy the rides as you both learn what you like and good luck.

Fury

Please note: The above is advice from someone who hasn't got a huge amount of experience herself but she's working on it and means well. Take all advice whether asked for or not with a grain of salt. Mileage my vary.

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Originally Posted by FurryFury

Please note: The above is advice from someone who hasn't got a huge amount of experience herself but she's working on it and means well. Take all advice whether asked for or not with a grain of salt. Mileage my vary.

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Fury you are like the neatest person I have met so far. I like how you ended with a disclaimer.

ok so I am now going to show how little I know about the terms: What is figging?

subwife

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Originally Posted by submissivewife

Fury you are like the neatest person I have met so far. I like how you ended with a disclaimer.

ok so I am now going to show how little I know about the terms: What is figging?

subwife

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Hi Subwife!

*Grins*

Well thank you! *hugs*

I think a disclaimer is a good idea as I don't know as much as I'd like to or as I sometimes thing I do. LOL!

Figging is when you take a "hand" of ginger, peel it and use it in your ass, vagina, against your clit or nipples OR in HIS ass, uretha and so on.

Do not rinse the ginger off, it's the natural oils that make the sensation work. It burns. Also don't lube it, not even if it is going in the ass. It doesn't need lube! I have tried this a few times and it's quite an interesting thing to do!

Here are a couple of links on it.

http://www.figging.com/

http://www.rsvpla.org/

Fury

Quote:

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Originally Posted by FurryFury

I think one big hang up with life partners is they feel they are not supposed to hurt you or they are worried they will lose control and go too far. If you have a safe word then he could possibly feel a little more relaxed about proceeding.

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I think the fear of hurting is definitely a factor. I may need to put more emphasis on how safewords work.

Thanks so much for all of your input and ideas. I particularly like the idea of a checklist - useful input from both people.

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Originally Posted by quietkarin

I think the fear of hurting is definitely a factor. I may need to put more emphasis on how safewords work.

Thanks so much for all of your input and ideas. I particularly like the idea of a checklist - useful input from both people.

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Hi QuietKarin!

I'm glad you feel all this helped you a little.

One other note, just because you see him as dominant doesn't mean he sees himself that way. Be prepared for him to see himself differently. I also saw my husband as a dominant but in the bedroom he does not feel that way at all. Therefore we take turns. Sometimes he plays at being dominant for me. Sometimes I play at being dominant for him. Other times we are tired and just fuck.

So if you find out he is dominant in business and even at home but not in the bedroom you have to find a way to live with that and love him anyway. One good thing about my situation is that we each put the other person's needs before our own. Usually that's a good thing. Sometimes I wish we were both just a little bit more selfish though. All that may never become a concern of yours but I thought it was worth mentioning.

Also someone I respect who has more experience than answered a similar question to asked by lady recently who wanted to research BDSM for her husband. I'll pass along his words of wisdom to you because I think he has a very valid point here.

"I don't think you researching and organizing everything for him is going to necessarily have the effect you hope it might. Nothing wrong with being honest about your feelings and even pointing him in the right direction, but now is the time to use that feminine mystique."

Now that being said, the corner stone in any relationship should be communication. In a BDSM relationship that need for communication increases exponentially IMO. So that makes for a fine line to walk. It has to be walked though, I really believe that it does.

Good luck to you,

Fury

Some checklist links:

http://ms.ha.md.us/~tammad/over21/bo...checklist.html

http://www.asubmissivesjourney.com/bdsm_checklist.html

http://www.domsubfriends.com/library/question1.shtml

http://www.sexuality.org/l/bdsm/checklst.html

Enjoy,

Fury

Thanks so much for the links! Very helpful!

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Originally Posted by quietkarin

Thanks so much for the links! Very helpful!

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You are very welcome.

What you and your husband have to do now is find out what BDSM means to both of you.

Recently my husband reluctantly said he would try to Dom me if I ever let him know that I felt a great need for it.

I was touched by his offer but my Lord I've told him I do feel that need plenty of times.

Then he talked about how the kids would need to be out of the house and he wouldn't want to do it at a hotel room because of all the yelling.

Yelling???

I was suddenly terrified.

Yelling is not part of BDSM for me. In fact, I finally realized recently that yelling is a pretty serious red button issue with tons of baggage for me. In other words I freak out even if he's only yelling about football. He never actually yells at me and I still freak out.

So we had to talk that out. I don't know how well we did talking it out yet but it will come up again.

We talk a lot more now since I began to explore BDSM. I feel much more secure even though I already did feel secure. I like me better now. I like us better now too but it's not effort free to work on things like this, you know?

Fury

I just want to say thank you so much for this thread, because I was wondering the same thing. You guys have been very helpful

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Originally Posted by Rob'sGurl

I just want to say thank you so much for this thread, because I was wondering the same thing. You guys have been very helpful

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Hi Rob's Gurl!

I'm glad you've found it useful.

Did I mention Akasha's, The Good Girl's Guide to Domination? I LOVE it!

http://www.akashaweb.com/women/index.html

I hope you enjoy as I did!

Fury

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Originally Posted by FurryFury

Hi Rob's Gurl!

I'm glad you've found it useful.

Did I mention Akasha's, The Good Girl's Guide to Domination? I LOVE it!

http://www.akashaweb.com/women/index.html

I hope you enjoy as I did!

Fury

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:) Thanks Furry!

Fury,

Excellent advice.

All,

I've also found that if I want something too badly, then it can be a "chore" for the partner who's under pressure to perform. Making love and having sex play fun, shouldn't ever be a chore.

Sometimes, we get so hung up in labels, terms, etc, that we forget to just have fun. Ask yourself, am I expecting my man/wife to be a 24/7 dom or am I just looking for some fun in the bedroom?

Share your fantasies with your partner. Let them know what's fantasy and what you want to try...some time.
Listen to your partners fantasies. If you're at a stage in the relationship where kids, etc. may make the sharing/discussion more difficult, a printed story left under someone's pillow may be fun way to turn them on.

What do you like? Your partner? Do the two meet somewhere in a safe place to play? Then go for it.

Sometime's its as easy as flipping a switch when you're alone...saying something like, "Honey, how about tonight you get to be the gladiator, and I'll be the slave girl/boy?"

Timing is also important. Your partner comes home from work, you're all hot and ready to go, you've been reading and getting wet for an hour, but hey, s/he just got home from work. S/he may need a bit of help to get them in the right frame of mind.

..."Honey, the shower is open. The kids are next door and we have a few hours all to ourselves. Would you like some time alone before I come wash your back?"

And if you're honey, needs big hints, like a ton of bricks dropped on him/her. You may have to set the stage in the morning, before s/he heads out the door.

"Darling, how about tonight it's just you and me and a fantasy or three? I'll arrange for a sitter. What time can you be home?"

Goofy? Just like those vanilla couples, you say? Yes, it's the same all over.

The less stress, the more fun, then you'll each enjoy exploring whatever roles you want to try.

To your success,

Ruby
who's husband started with a blindfold and a feather

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Originally Posted by Rob'sGurl

:) Thanks Furry!

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Anytime Sugah!

Fury

Hi Ruby!

You give good advice too! *waves and smiles* Good to see you again!

Fury

This is very much what I have been trying to figure out too! What a helpful thread.

Good to hear. Perhaps more people will post what they have done or thought of doing.

Fury

This question is precisely why I joined the forum. I love my husband to bits, but I'm not sure I can ever be entirely satisfied unless he wants, even demands my submission. But should true submission be just accepting him and his desires as what they are and doing the best I can to please him? It is all very confusing.

I know just what you mean Catie!

My husband won't ever want to Dom me though he might play at it from time to time because he wants to make me happy. Will I ever be truly satisfied? Probably not. However since his happiness does mean more to me than my own, I will do my best to appreciate him for the wonderful man he is even though I will likely never feel that deeply desired submission to another.

I feel very fortunate he will at least play at new things. I do think I have corrupted him some. *winks*

Last night for instance I in my own mind was serving him, partly to make up for some difficulties we had the night before when we both felt ill.

I tried to give him a langram massage and then a prostrate massage. He enjoyed himself a LOT. It made me happy. Then he insisted on making me happier.

Life may not always contain everything we think we want but it has it's moments.

Fury