TOO MUCH INFORMATION
I REMEMBER OUR FIRST DATE WHEN I WAS LOOKING FOR A MATE AND TOOK YOU OUT TO FIND YOUR INCLINATION
SO I GAVE YOU A SMALL KISS AND YOU YELLED YES! - MORE OF THIS
THAT’S TMI
AT THE RESTAURANT YOU SAW AS YOU GLANCED DOWN AT THE
FLOOR THIRTY COCKROACHES APPROACHING IN FORMATION
AND THE CHEF SAID “TAKE YOUR ROACH ITS BEST GRIDDLE-FRIED OR POACHED THAT’S TMI
INSTEAD WE WENT OUT FOR A CURRY WHICH PASSED THROUGH YOU IN A HURRY
AND IT CAUSED YOU INTESTINAL INFLAMATION
AS THE PRESSURE NEARED ITS PEAK, YOU GAVE OUT NOT JUST A SQUEAK
BUT THAT’S TMI
THEN YOU WERE DYING FOR A PEE, BUT WE COULDN’T FIND A TREE
BUT WE FOUND OURSELVES CLOSE BY TO RAILWAY STATION
YOU FOUND A QUIET PLATFORM AND YOU STARTED TO PERFORM BUT THAT’S TMI
IN THE BATHROOM IN THE MORNING JUST AS THE DAY WAS DAWNING
I LIFT THE LID AND MAKE AN EXCLAMATION
YOU’VE BEEN THERE BEFORE AND IT’S RUN ACROSS THE FLOOR BUT THAT’S TMI
SO I CALLED THE DOCTOR IN BUT HE HADN’T GOT A GRIN AND TOLD YOU THAT YOU NEED EXAMINATION
OF THE RECTAL KIND-PLEASE SHOW ME YOUR BEHIND-THAT’S TMI
I TOLD THIS TO MY BEST FRIEND THE KIND THAT’S WITH YOU TO THE END
BUT HIS WASHING FLEW LIKE FLAGS OF MANY NATIONS
THERE WERE STOCKINGS, BRA, A BASQUE AND I WAS TOO AFRAID TO ASK HE MIGHT GIVE ME-TMI
IF YOUR DAUGHTER’S ON THE PHONE AND SHE THINKS SHE’S ALL ALONE
AND SHE’S DESCRIBING THINGS WITH GRAPHIC ILLUSTRATION
AND THEN LATER YOU DISCOVER ITS JUST GOSSIP WITH YOUR MOTHER THAT’S TMI
TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH INFORMATION
TOO MUCH, TOO MUCH, I WISH I HADN’T ASKED.
I got drunk one day and performed this as a solo song at a folk club meeting in a pub. I remember men with beards frowning at me over their tankards.
To them I say "So beardy-how many poems or songs have you written and performed?"
Sod 'em all.
