Silke's ramblings...

Hey y'all,

I guess I just need a place to ramble right now. *sighs* I'm not really looking for anything, it's more like an open diary entry or something...just something to keep me busy.

Maybe I'm just spoiled, but I've gotten so used to talking to my Master daily, for hours and hours, either just having fun chatting, or playing, laughing...those are the happy times of my days (or rather nights, lol). Even to just see him online when we are too busy to chat more than a couple of minutes makes me all warm and tingly inside. It feels like coming home. :)

Well, recently we've both been busy and pretty much didn't talk at all for a week while I was away working. Then I got back home, only to find that now he's the one with virtually no time on his hands and God knows how long this will go on. All we've shared since were a few short messages and I miss him so much, it hurts.

I'm sticking to the rules and routines he's set for me as best as I can and on good days it's comforting and I can feel him with me through that, feel that he's close. On bad days it's a struggle...it seems pointless somehow and I'm just lonely. When I'm on one of those days, everything just seems grey and empty and everything I need to do becomes a struggle. I don't think I've ever felt so incredibly happy and whole or so devastatingly lonely in any 'nilla relationship I've been in. It's like I'm missing a part of me when he's gone. Hell, I've cried myself to sleep the other day over this special man who I've never met in person.

I guess that's the price to pay when you give yourself to someone else with all you have. He owns my heart and soul and I need him with me to be whole again. But I'll pay that price gladly for all the wonderful feelings I've had and will have again with him.

I love you and I miss you.

Silke

*sighs heavily* I know what you mean.

Platonic hugs of sympathy for you Silke, I hope you're together and not busy soon enough. Keep praying for that lottery win.

Q xx

Big hugsss in your direction, Silke.
It will get better soon, be brave.:wave:

Silke,

It's almost as though you've read my mind! I'm in a similar situation, though my Master is gone for weeks (and occasionally months) on end due to the nature of his job. It makes matters that much worse, though, that his job also keeps him incommunicado for much of that time. Sometimes I wonder if I've imagined the whole thing . . . .

It does help to keep to the rules and routines, and I've found that if I push myself as well, set additional tasks for myself that I know he will be pleased with, it keeps the loneliness and despair at bay. Of course, writing helps too ;)

::hugs::

hids

Thanks guys, I really appreciate having a place to get things off my chest in this community. My friends don't know about this side of my life and sometimes it's hard to keep all of that to myself. I'm just not used to the rollercoaster ride yet, I guess, lol.

And hids...I wish I had some artistic talent to direct those feelings to, but it's an area I'm just lacking. I do write some journal-like stuff for myself but I suck at writing poetry, can't draw for the life of me and writing stories feels like running a marathon. I've always envied the people who have such a great outlet for their emotions...it must be great to see something beautiful emerging from all this. :) I hope your lonely phase is over soon, hids.

Silke *continuing the waiting game*

As you well know Silke I went through the same misery recently.

The difference with me is I have a lovely wife I'm with every day.

Funny to be sitting with her & feeling the heartache of losing someone thousands of miles away.

Thankfully she has come back & we're spending time together again. To hear her voice on the phone makes me feel like a kid again. :)

I wish you all the best in yours Silke. Until this year I never believed how much you can feel for someone you've never met.

To love someone can bring heartache & misery- but there's nothing in the whole world that can make you happier.

It just might be worth it Silke. :wave:

Tojo

I can't directly relate, but I do know that it's only the pain of separation or sorrow over losing someone/being distant from them that makes us really appreciate that person's presence. It'll be better soon.

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It just might be worth it Silke.

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It is, Tojo...he is. :) He's taught me to love again, just by being himself. And I'll take the heartache gladly, it's a small price to pay.

And maddie - I know what you mean. Sometimes you learn more about your feelings for someone in the times when that person is not there. Hey, that's a happy thought...and an unexpected one. Thanks. :)

My pleasure, Silke. :)

Wow, you come to a place on the internet expecting a little fun and you find what you've been looking for. People that really understand what your saying. People that have gone through and will go through what you have.
Just reading your words... my. Make me so glad your all around.
I hope all your timing issues work out soon. I sure do understand.

Hi, Stilly.

Grins. Did it take you 1345 posts to realise that you like it here?

Even though BDSM is a relatively weird part of human fantasy, there's still six billion people in the world, so there's a good chance that a few thousand of the buggers know how you're feeling. Anything you feel in a sexual context, provided it doesn't involve kids, is perfectly valid, and is probably being experienced by quite a few others. Don't ever feel alone.

But... and this is just for you... it's probably not being felt by someone as honest and interesting and expressive as you, Stilly.

Q xx

Silke,

I read your post yesterday and had a reply ready to send, when the site went down.

I am glad you are feeling less alone with all the support of your friends here. I know that does not take the place of your Master but it must help a lot.

take care and know we are thinking of you
Aussiegirl

Silke

I haven't been here long, but as you already know I sent you a PM yesterday and if you ever need someone to talk to, add me to the list of names who will be willing to listen.

Silke,

I do hope you are feeling better. Knowing you have the support of this community has to be a big help.

You can always talk about your feelings here and know that we are all feeling them with you. Glad you are so sure that it is all worth it because that is what makes it all worth it. Take care.

Silke-
I empathize with you. Sometimes life gets in the way of a relationship, be it r/l or online. The loneliness that causes is one of those dull voids that no amount of good wishes or sympathy seem able to fill. They help though, and you should take to heart the support the members of the community have poured out for you in this thread. We all missed you when your service was out and are glad that you are back. Take heart in this, and keep riding the rollercoaster - you never know what special thing awaits you around the next corner. :)

Aaaaww, you did it again *wipes tear away*...I was only looking for a place to get some of my feelings out and look what came back to me!! Y'all are awesome and I feel priviledged to be a part of this community. Thank you for all the compassion and love...you made my day and put a smile back on my face. I honestly don't have reason to feel lonely, not with so many friends around. :)

I couldn't add anything to this that has not already been said except to send you a big *hug* and a mental shoulder to lean your head on if you need one.

Anytime Silke, you're a valued member of the family. :wave:

Tojo

'k, since I've dumped all my misery on you it seems only fair that I share the good times as well. ;)

There are a few good things that came out of my last post. For one, it made me value this community even more (if that's possible). Your support means a lot to me and I'd like to thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I hope I'll be able to give some of what I received back when and where it is needed.

The other great thing...after posting I talked with someone here and met this amazing person from a completely different and unexpected angle. We found that we share a lot more than we thought and have become friends. *smiles* You never know which new deck of cards life will deal out for you when you turn an unexpected corner. :)

And...I finally got to talk to my Master on the weekend. *overjoyed* I felt so incredibly loved and warm and secure with him in my life again. He's a wizard, you know...whenever he's around all my worries and tears miraculously disappear. I didn't know just how much I feed on his presence until then...how much I needed to hear him say that he loves me...how much I need his guidance and friendship. My heart's at peace again knowing he still cares and I'll be alright from now on, I guess. The tiny voice in the back of my mind that feared he might forget me while he's busy is quiet now. :)

I'm more vulnerable and stronger because of you, Master. If that makes any sense at all. Thank you for making me feel alive, really alive...I'm starting to appreciate both the ups and downs of the ride, the light feels much brighter after a long dark night. I love you. :)

Silke,

So pleased to know you are back on track again and feeling better. I guess like all areas of life, we learn and grow with each new experience.

I can totally relate to what you say about never knowing what life has in store for you. I could never have imagined how much a life can change in only 6 months. Finding a new friend is always nice, especially when it is totally unexpected.

Aussiegirl

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Originally Posted by Silke

'k, since I've dumped all my misery on you it seems only fair that I share the good times as well. ;)

There are a few good things that came out of my last post. For one, it made me value this community even more (if that's possible). Your support means a lot to me and I'd like to thank you for being there for me when I needed you. I hope I'll be able to give some of what I received back when and where it is needed.

The other great thing...after posting I talked with someone here and met this amazing person from a completely different and unexpected angle. We found that we share a lot more than we thought and have become friends. *smiles* You never know which new deck of cards life will deal out for you when you turn an unexpected corner. :)

And...I finally got to talk to my Master on the weekend. *overjoyed* I felt so incredibly loved and warm and secure with him in my life again. He's a wizard, you know...whenever he's around all my worries and tears miraculously disappear. I didn't know just how much I feed on his presence until then...how much I needed to hear him say that he loves me...how much I need his guidance and friendship. My heart's at peace again knowing he still cares and I'll be alright from now on, I guess. The tiny voice in the back of my mind that feared he might forget me while he's busy is quiet now. :)

I'm more vulnerable and stronger because of you, Master. If that makes any sense at all. Thank you for making me feel alive, really alive...I'm starting to appreciate both the ups and downs of the ride, the light feels much brighter after a long dark night. I love you. :)

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It's amazing when you talk to the one you love how everything is right again.


Those friends tend to pop up at the most unexpected times ;)

Silke,

I'm so glad you are once again happy. I hope you stay that way forever. I too know the feeling of finding a close friend or two here. This site is truly amazing and I'll appreciate it always.

*smiles* Thank y'all for your kind words.

Unexpected twists, yeah...isn't it wild when it all makes sense once you look back on what happened? It seems like fate and everything makes sense then, when it really is just a series of simple (or tough) decisions we make that lead us there. A wonderful thought to know we open new doors with every single one...

Lol, now I certainly justified the title of this thread! Well, you've all been warned, I'm rambling...beware. ;) Or feel free to ramble away yourselves. *grins*

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This site is truly amazing and I'll appreciate it always.

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This, like any site is only as good as the people on it WB.



Tojo

Silke - I just wanted to send a sub hug your way and am glad you have returned to a happy place. I am new here and usually just lurk around...but in reading your comments throughout the forum, I've felt your warmth and commitment.

I too have found it overwhelming to give so much to a person you've never met - these feelings are new and exciting and confusing. It helps to know there are others out there. Take care - cookiecat.

Aaaww, cookiecat...that's so sweet, thanks. I'd love to hear more, so if you feel like sharing some of your own story, feel free to abuse this thread - it's open to anyone. :)

And you're right, even if it doesn't change anything about the situation itself, knowing that we're not alone in this and that others have survived similar phases helps a lot.

Yes I'd like to second what Silke says- a lovely post cookiecat, please tell us more.

Boy can you ever have feelings for someone you've never met.


Tojo

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Originally Posted by Tojo

This, like any site is only as good as the people on it WB.



Tojo

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Tojo you're absolutely right about that. There are some very incredible people here and I've had the pleasure to meet a few, yourself included.

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Originally Posted by Tojo

Boy can you ever have feelings for someone you've never met.

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That sure is true! I have two online friends I've known for years and it feels like they're part of my family, even though I've never met one of them.

Silke, I can't really add much to what others have already said, but I'm glad you're feeling better and finally got to talk to your Master again! Hopefully you won't have to go that long again without him.