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My wife is a beautiful 35 years old girl. I tried many times to play BDSM games with her, but I think she doesn't appreciate it very much. Do you think I have to insist? I'd like to bound her and then use some BDSM tools to play with her tits, pussy, anus and feet.
Truthfully, I think it would be wrong to force her to submit to you- if she truly doesn't enjoy it.
It can be hard enough to do something which you might feel is shameful (but gives you great pleasure), without someone messing with your head by FORCING you to do it.
And in some ways, I don't think force should really be a pre-meditated thing in BDSM play, unless it is fantasy, or has been agreed on in advance..
Why not introduce her to BDSM play slowly?
You can't insist and make it work. I have a good relationship with my wife, who has a healthy sexual appetite but limited interest in bdsm. Sexuality is a complex thing, and bdsm is not something you can make someone be interested in. Believe me, I know from experience. For me, it is not very fulfilling if my partner is not getting anything out of it. In my situation we dabble now and again, but it is an indulgence on my wife's part. In your situation I recommend you talk it through as a couple and if she's willing to experiment a little, great. If not, so be it. I have accepted and always honored my wife's desires. One of the wonderful things about this community is that I have found a place where I can express my interests and desires with peers. It has been a great experience thus far.
I agree with little_rose, there's no use in forcing your wife to submit - she either likes it or not.
My advice would be to talk to her about your desires, maybe share a few light fantasies and see whether she responds to them...or even trying a few more mainstream BDSM things, like holding her down during sex, getting her all hot and bothered and then teasing her for a while...anything that makes her feel good and beg for more. Find out what she truely likes and see how you can use that for kinky play...
But force? You'd probably destroy more than you achieve with that...especially the trust she has in you. And once that trust is damaged you won't get anywhere and above all risk losing her completely.
Just my thoughts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by ilcorbelliere
You're asking us if it's OK to force someone to do something against their will?
I think you know the answer to that.
Tojo
Everyone here has been very gentle. I'll step up on this --
if you force her it is not BDSM --
it is assault. It is rape. It is coersion. It is bullying.
It is also inexcusable but that's a different story.
BDSM and D/s each have a tradition -- SSC. It means Safe, Sane, and CONSENSUAL. That has been updated to a new acronym called RISK. But that won't work for what you want either.
If your wife isn't interested, she isn't interested. Your choices then become compromise, giving in, or divorce.
Sorry to be so heavy handed with this, but even if y ou didn't mean the question the way it sounded, someone else might think there was a way it was just "unpleasant," like eating brussels sprouts.
hJ
Very valid point...I didn't even think that far. I guess I'm just too naive for this world. *sighs*
Look, as I see it, so far she has met you half way... Or was she sleeping when you tied her, or bound her up?
If you want to take the next steps.. Start by sitting down and TALKING with her. She obviously knows of your kinky desires. Its up to you to explain yourself to her and what you want to do.. Dont just take her allowing you to begin as a OK to do as you please.
Your best course IF she agrees to explore this, is GO SLOW, and allow her to both adjust to these new feelings and DEAL with them mentally. Its my experience that a slow introduction to these new things in our case was a key to allow My Wife to look at what she liked and didnt.. And unlock some hidden desires
I knew she liked her nipples treated roughly, and we had played before with clamps, but by going slowly and exploring with her the sensations of Clips and clamps, a flogger and a crop, teasing works just as well a simple feather was magic.. esp on the clit !! and when alternated between the crop and the feather.. to her was maddening.
But the biggest thing was, the talk we had before the session.. and the one we had two weeks after, when she would finally admit she loved it and did want to "try" more.
But that was our experience... Please, use common sense, and proceed the BEST way for you BOTH...
I think an important question is: what are your wife's fetishes (everyone has them). What turns her on? My partner is not really into bdsm, but she is very GGG and as long as she's not actually being hurt (e.g. light bondage, light spanking) she'll play along. I think part of it is that it's a big turn-on for me and she's turned on by my excitiement.
If you beat your wife without her consent it's not play anymore.
Hello ilcorbelliere. What I picked up from your post is 'I think she doesn't appreciate it very much'. In my opinion the most important tool anyone can have in there BDSM toy box, over and above any rope, paddle or vibrator, is communication. Until you have learnt how to use this one to its full potential you are not really ready to move on.
What are her fantasies? What thoughts does she masturbate to? What are the highlights for her of your sexual relationship so far? Find a relaxed tender and caring occasion when you are talking freely, possibly post sex (yes I know that means you will have to stay awake) and ask her. And listen, not with a mind as to how you can twist them to take on a BDSM linked kink, but with a mind as to how you can fulfil HER fantasies for her. This is probably a time when it is worth using the feedback technique to show that you really are listening, and to make sure you have heard properly. e.g. "So you fantasise about having sex on the beach when no-one is around.." This is not the time to share yours with her. That comes much later.
Having discovered what her fantasies are do what you can to fulfil them. Again NOT with a BDSM twist, unless she put it in there. If that sounds like hard work, then welcome to the world of BDSM. Vanilla sex is easy, all you need is the appropriate bodily parts and it can happen. BDSM is involves preparation and the use of your mind and imagination, particularly if you are the Dom.
But here is a clever bit.... when you are planning and giving her the time of her life, you are in charge. You are in the dominant position - mentally, if not physically. And if she has a submissive streak in her she will love it. She will absorb all that you are doing for her, which will include the experience of you topping her. If it goes no further you will both have a wonderful time; her because you are playing her fantasies and you because you would not be human not to be excited by the woman you love reveling in sexual excitement.
How do you move onto more obvious BDSM play? Well the first thing is it takes time and lots more communication. This is not "I gave you what you wanted last week to now it is my turn to tie you up". Think months of serving her fantasies. Did you realise that the Dom is the ultimate servant of any BDSM relationship?
By that point you will have discovered what really makes her tick, and she will probably have discovered a lot about herself too. You will also probably be seen by her as God's gift to womankind. So push her fantasies a little further, tease her a little bit longer than she can normally stand, look her very firmly in the eye and tell her she is not have an orgasm until you say... Don’t push it too far too quickly though. When she is used to you doing that, perhaps another time you could say something along the lines of now I want you to position yourself like just like this, and whatever happens you are not to move your hands or feet from just there. Yes, you have her in bondage, although she is tied by your wishes rather than by ropes. Having experienced that it is then only a baby step to using a rope.
I am sure you get the idea. BUT throughout all of that COMMUNICATE. After each time explore what she enjoyed (repeat, maybe with a little more), felt nervous about (possibly repeat, although stepping down the intensity), and did not like (don't repeat). Do that and she will think you are incredible, will probably tell all her friends about this great man she has married who actually listens to her, however good your marriage is now it will be that much better and more solid and you just never know where it may lead. She will also trust you, so that perhaps after 6 months or so when the opportunity is right to share some of your fantasies, and you ask her if there is anything in them which she can play along with she will feel safe to do so.
Wishing you a wonderful life with your beautiful wife
cariad
It's also a crime that really could land you in JAIL. If she does not really want to engage in this style of foreplay, she doen't want to. Not everyone is interested. I'm sure there are other aspects of your relationship that attracted you to her.Quote:
Originally Posted by her_Joe
You might try explaining that it's just a form of foreplay that you would like to explore.