Thoughts on BDSM and Abuse

Hello everyone,

First off, I wanted to say this is my first post. Never had the courage to before but She told me that somebody might benefit from reading what I have to say, so here it is.

I just wanted to comment on the issue of people with abusive pasts trying out BDSM. I always hear how that's a big no-no and shouldn't be approached. So, with that in mind, I'm a man with a good deal of past abuse in my childhood, both physical and sexual, that is now living in a Femdom relationship with my Girlfriend of five years.

We've been practicing Femdom for about two of the five, and it's mostly mild. The main difference between our relationship and others is that She never uses physical force to enforce her will. All Her punishments are non-physical, things like taking away computer time or tv time/having me do things I'd rather not but which need to be done, etc.

What I've found is that, besides this filling a long-held desire, the lifestyle provides a sense of safety and well-being I've never had. With Her I don't need to worry about making the wrong decisions. In a big way She serves as a teacher and guide for my life, helping me know the difference between making a decision out of fear and making one out of self-love.

Because of my past, decisions made out of fear were the norm. And until having Her to provide the sense of structure and stability that She does, I had an overwhelming sense of fear when approaching even the bost basic challenges in life. After all, I'd been taught that failing incurred harsh punishments and that succeeding accomplished nothing. She's helped teach me otherwise.

So, as for the issue of a person with an abusive past practicing BDSM being a no-no, for me that's just not the case. Without her, I wouldn't have finished school, I wouldn't have a job, and I wouldn't be doing the things I love. She's the reason I stopped a variety of bad habits, all self-destructive and some suicidal. Without Her I'm not sure I'd still be here, and I know I wouldn't have the happiness in my life that I do. I hope to marry Her soon.

So that's my two cents. Does anyone else have experiences like this?

Hello and welcome to forums Manarqest and what a great post to start with!

I would love to reply in some detail, but this is not the right moment for me to do so.

So for now, just a repeated welcome, and an explanation that I have moved your post to My BDSM Life since I think it fits better there, than under the lighter hearted chit chat of General Talk.

cariad

Hello Manarqest what an informative first post.

I would only like to add that maybe the meaning of one abused not trying the BDSM life style was said in the mind set of not taking or using that abuse on others basically continuing or fostering the abusive cycle. If you can see the difference than I see no reason why you shouldn't live and enjoy any life style you choose.

Enjoy your time here and I hope you get to marry her and be happy in that marriage.

:wel to the forums, Manarqest :)

First of all - thank you for sharing something so relevant to you in your first post. It really got me thinking.

As a rule of thumb, I wouldn't discourage anyone who has a history of abuse from entering into the lifestyle. We all have our own demons to face, and for some people - like yourself - it might even be the answer to your prayers.

The only thing I'd caution people about, is to use the lifestyle as the only way to cope with life. If it becomes the only way out, you're stuck IMHO. You'll always be dependant on your partner to master your own life and I think that's a sad outlook, however tempting and comforting it might feel initially.

That said, the dynamic of D/s might help to reestablish trust in people, might help you to grow as a person, and through that, might be one of the tools to start a new life. Even more so, if your partner encourages you to look for ways to get back your life and take it into your own hands. Does this sound counterintuitive? I don't think it is. Encouraging someone to become whole again, heal their wounds, seek outside help with this if needed...makes the gift of submission even greater when it's giving out of love, not out of dependency. Am I making sense? lol

Either way, it sounds like you're happy with what the two of you found and I hope you'll continue to feel this blessed with your Mistress and she with you for a loooooong time to come. :)

Wonderful first post...and really thought provoking. Thank you for that.

Silke

I'm not new to BDSM and it's now 14 years since my first slave girlfriend. I personally come from an abusive background, getting beaten by my father a lot and all but one of my sub girlfriends, (and there's been plenty) have had some abusive background that effected them profoundly. I won't draw any conclusions of this but I think not being exposed to some sort of abuse in life is truly quite rare. Children are in school extremely mean to one another, and the older I get the more I get a feeling that dominating and being dominated is an integral part of all human behaviour and instincts.

But like I said, I have no idea what this means at all. People aparently react a lot differently to abuse. I've got a friend now competing in the world mixed martial art championships at Pride in Brazil. He's no lifestyle BDSM guy at all, but he was beaten to an extreme amount while growing up. I don't think abuse as such leads to apreciation for BDSM or is even required.

I'm personally very interested in this subject and have spent a lot of time thinking about it but the more I do the less I realise I understand. Reading plenty of philosophy hasn't helped either.

As long as you're happy I'd just go for it. Sometimes there's nothing to understand. Just enjoy.

This is one subject that is hard for many to understand. The abuse of childhood and then the lifestyle we choose as we get older and the role we play therein. Also, this has been discussed here at the forums many times...always interesting views.

That being said, I was sexually abused as a child. Very young when this all happened. Does this shape you as a sub or a dom...there's a lot out there that suggests just that, but then there are others that contridict that as well.

I am a submissive. I am not ashamed of it. It's been through my submission that I have learned so much about myself and about people in general. I do beleive it is because of my submissive nature that I have succeeded in overcoming the pain of my abuse.

What a submissive and a dominant need to learn is the difference between abuse and what the lifestyle is about. It's not just about getting the flogger taken to my backside or the crop to any area my dom wishes. Hell all of that is fun. But for me, it's about growth and learning more about yourself and your dom/domme.

When I first read the auther of this threads experience, I couldn't believe the similarities of my life and theirs. It has been because of the great doms in my life I have been able to do exactly as this person was able to do...get past the past and move forward...all we need is a little encouragement.

SB

Thanks for the comments all. This is a pretty positive forum seems like. Silke, I've thought about that actually and yea, I am concerned sometimes that maybe I use the way we do things as a crutch. I think I'm fairly self-sufficient now though, certainly more than I was. I mean, before we did this, I was in and out of rehab and constantly in financial trouble because of my spending "habits". Today She tells me the only reason She put up with it was because She knew why I was doing it.

But as for being self-sufficient, before I was hardly funcional and now I'm stable and becoming much more goal oriented. I'd also reckon that now I'm facing reality alot more than I was. It's amazing the things you notice when you're not sedated. The change between now and where I was two years ago is phenomenal. The fact that she is as happy as I am with the arrangement just reassures me that what we're doing is right for us.

I remember Her main stipulation from the start was that She'd never itemize things for me because I should be able to take the initiative in helping out. Sub or not, I'm still an adult and can figure things out. The idea was that She was there if I ever needed guidance or assistance, and She certainly has been.

Looks like I'm rambling. I'll leave it though.

If this is rambling, just keep doing it...;)

You sound like you've grown within this relationship and I think that's just plain wonderful. :)