Focusing help

Okay, so I have this little problem. I find myself having a hard time focusing on being submissive.

I will attempt to explain though it is nearly 5am. I want to be a good submissive but I feel myself drifting in a dozen different directions. I am a submissive but I am also a mother to an infant that needs me a lot. I am also a wife and a writer. I am having troubles balancing everything into my day.

Now I know that I cannot do the 24/7 thing, at least not for the time being, but I do want to fit it in to my day at least a little bit. The problem is that I keep drifting into the other aspects of my life and unable to focus on the D/s side of it.

I keep forgetting to allow this important side of me to come out and I do it with out even realizing it. I want to get back to the way I used to be but I need some advice on balancing everything. Perhaps some exercises that I can do.

I don't know. I guess I am just at a loss as to what to do. Any suggestions?

For many of us life is a search for perfection. No matter how good we do (and I do suspect that you are actually doing pretty good) we often feel we are not doing good enough. Relax, take it easy, chill out every once in a while. You might just be trying too hard.

Does this make any sense or am I missing where you are coming from. Need to hear more about your feelings to be sure.

I'm fairly new to the "lifestyle", but certainly not new to life so I have had a few years to make some observations. I guess it's for each of us to make their own choices. Personally, my sub and I enjoy a tremendous D/s relationship, but we both have children. In our situation, we keep the D/s part of our relationship in the bedroom. Outside of that it's business as usual. The kids, of course, come first always. We don't make an effort to hide the "whips and chains" part of our relationship from close friends, but we don't flaunt it either. We most certainly don't expose the children to it. That will be their decision to make when they are grown.

It's a romantic idea to live the D/s lifestyle 24/7, but realistically...it's not very practical.

You and T/G seem like very intelligent people. Sometimes that can be a curse because if you're anything like me...I tend to overanalyze everything.

My own way of thinking is that living it 24/7 would probably get boring after a while. We don't get a lot of time to play in the absence of kids, work, or social obligations. As a result, we cherish the times that we do and I think it adds to the excitement and anticipation.

My little bit of advice...

Live your life as we have to...as a responsible adult, then enjoy the hell out of the time you have to let loose!

Like I said, everyone is different. But that's what works for us.

Nothing like kids and unreciptive spouse to put a damper on an otherwise wonderful submissive lifestyle.

I think it's this scenario that just forces some to be a switch. But more of a "On / Off" switch.

I'd hardly call Tourguide "unreceptive". As you are a new poster, I hereby issue you a "Get Out Of Dungeon Free" card.

Or in your case, "Get Out Of Doghouse".

(Okay, I just tried to activate a smilie and it didn't work. I do not understand computers. To compensate, I will try to get back on-thread.)

Finding_Fantasy, have you tried wearing a necklace, chain, collar or article of clothing that would be a constant reminder? This doesn't eat into your already hectic day, but every time you see (or feel) it, you'll get a little reminder.

I'm talking real-life spouse.

Please save the card for future use. :)

And an interesting thought on daily reminders.

What you have said has made sense to me.

e e norcord. I try to chill oout but it's tough. I think I am naturally wound up. (not tied....wound) I guess I just need to take a deep breath, a step back and look.

Curtis. I have thought of the idea of wearing a collar/chain but I need to find one that doesn't screem BDSM. I have a fancy one that would look rather silly with my outfit of choice...tshirt and jeans... and I have a leather dog color completel with name tag but that would draw far too much attention. I also had a nice chain mail bracelet with the BDSM symbol on it but it broke :( I do have a chain like necklace that I could probably wear

MrJerseyGuy...you;re right. I should probably take what we can get and be happy with that. I guess I just look back at how we were when we first got together. TG worked and I stayed at home, cleaned the house, did pretty much watever and when he got home it was all fun and games. But you;re right, take what you can get and don't complain.

As for Vinsint. I guess I will have to let you on something. My online life and my real life are one and the same. I live with my dominant who is also my husband who is also BDSM_Tourguide who is also one of the moderators here. :) I think that is why Curtis was giving you a "Get out of the Dog House" free card. :)

My submissive woes have nothing to do with him. He more than responsive and he is as frustrated as me when it comes to my troubles of focusing. But he has been very supportive

If you allow me Finding_Fantasy, I have a little suggestion for you. It may seem too little, or not physical enough for the true 24/7 lifestyle that you are trying to achieve, but it works for me.

Use your mind. Anything you do, everywhere you go, as vanilla as it may seem, do it for him, in the privacy of your mind. I'll give you a few examples but remember, this is me. It may work differently for you:

Early morning, I wake up. I make breakfast not for my boyfriend but for my OWNER. I do not need to serve him on my knees, I just have to remind myself that I am SERVING him. I wear sexy lingerie under my office attire not just to feel sexy myself but because I want to be sexy for HIM.
At work (I am a teacher) I am patient with the kids not just because I love them I they deserve it but because it makes me patient for HIM. I go to the gym not just to feel healthy but to look my best for him, because my body is HIS. I put up with the random human stupidity of every day life because I want to be able to endure ANYTHING for HIM. Every day I study and learn a bit of everything because HE likes owning a smart girl.

It all sounds very vanilla. Somebody else may just call it love. but for me that is what bdsm is, just a different kind of love. I love F. so everything I do everyday is bdsm and it is for him.

Very psychological stuff I know. But it works. And every day when we come home whether we play or not; if we have sex or not; or if he calls me Lady, sweetie, honey, slut or slave, I know I am being true to my chosen lifestyle.

This for Finding_Fantasy


The advice from the subject line may seem extreme and off topic. It will take a great deal of explaining.

I have two brands, one I gave myself and one given by a professional dominate after many sessions and much begging. I see them while dressing. They are small circles and have diminished to small white areas on my upper thighs. They give me personal satisfaction every time I see them as they remind me of who I really am. They also serve as a promise of more to come as it may serve as a promise of future fun as your responsibilities as a parent diminish.

I do not regard them as marks of ownership.

I had mine done with a strong symbol, the steel heel of a high heeled pump. It was heated over a candle and caused only modest pain. I hate nipple clamps a lot more than the brand.

Hi FF

In my experience, being submissive is something that always stays in your heart, but sometimes doesnt stay in your head on a day to day level.....this is surely natural, especially since you have quite recently become a Mum, it puts a whole new slant on life. i don't have children, but i do know that occasionally 'life' seems to get in the way of a D/s relationship, not only literally in pratical terms, but mentally as well.

Although i think you could consider physical things such as the collar etc, i think i would probably most concur with Nikka's suggestion in terms of atempting to re-focus on your submissive nature, most notably, obviously, towards TG. Also, although i agree that you should relax, i have always found that re-focusing on being sub is something that requires some degree of effort on my part...yes, of course relax and let things flow a bit (you cant obviously 'force' the issue with yourself) but getting the submissive side of you back in to focus both in psychological and literal terms does require some effort.

Anyway, that's me done...let us know how it goes hun.

sl

*still giggling at the notion of TG being an 'unreceptive spouse* (no offense meant vinsint)

Thanks again for the suggestions. Jones, Nikka, I think that what you suggested would work well for me. It's a good idea, thanks. :)

Reverie...thanks for the suggestion but I have wo words. "Hell" and "No" LOL Sorry but I am not much into body modification. I don't even have my ears piecred (not anymore anyway). Besides, I do enough damage to myself being a huge klutz (points to burn scars on arms from former job and six inch scar on her face from being a dumbass). I try to stay away from hot objects... al least in contact with my skin.

I did haowever, have a friend that was professionally brabded with her Master's symol on her inner thigh. The thing was huge. Too much pain for this gal. I prefer the mental aspects of things, not the physical.

Hi All,

What a fascinating topic and one that is very relevant to me as, for the first time in our relationship, I am living away fom my owner for four or five days a week.

I don't have a brand (yet!!), and my collar is far too obvious to wear to work, the same applying the wrist bands and anklets which are beautifully made but have obvious symbolism. What I do have and what I wear virtually all the time is a ring engraved inside with "J owned by M", and a plain gold necklace (last year's Christmas present) which has a locket containing my owner's picture, and engraved inside with "Jane is owned by me, Mark". If any vanilla acquaintance gets too nosey and wants to see inside the locket, I just pretend that it is jammed and I can't open it.

A friend of mine is a recovering alcoholic and she always spends five minutes out of her day just sitting quietly and thinking about staying sober. I have adopted a similar routine; being English we have tea or coffee mid-morning and mid-afternoon. Most people take a five minute break or stretch their legs and have a smoke. I just shut the door to my office and twice a day I give myself three or four minutes of peace and quiet, thinking about how I can be a better subbie, how lucky I am, and how I can please my owner. It's now part of my work routine and I think it helps me stay focussed on my position in our relationship.

It may not seem to be very proactive or exciting, bu it seems to work for me...............

Love Jane

I have a little exercise that I have used when training submissives to explore and accept their submissive emotions.

Cut a small amount of pubic hair from your pussy and place it in an envelope. Place the envelope in your purse.

Then at set times during the day, take the envelope out and look at the contents, thinking about your feelings as you do so.

The women whom I have been training have always seemed to find that it was a successful method of concentrating their minds.:) :)

and Yes I will probly get it wrong. but here it is.

Are the two of you Husband and wife or master and slave.

I would think that you are husband and wife first. Master and slave second. I think the raising a little one in a caring healthy enviroment should take priority over any sexual play. Yes there is time for both but I dont think you sould be thinking about how to be a better submistive or how to make your master happy while your baby is teathing or needs is diaper changed. or god forbid is sick.

There is a time and a place for every thing in life and I think first things should be first. And no I did not mean to say that your little one was not in a caring and healthy enviorment.

Mobius, if you check the previous posts you will find that almost none of these suggestions takes up much time. What FF sounds like she is looking for is a way to be BOTH husband and wife, and slave and master. That's not unreasonable. And children, even at seven months, don't take up every hour in the day. She complained about being stretched thin, but wasn't asking for ways to be stretched thinner.

You're right that everyone has to prioritize. If I'm reading this right, FF thinks that FOR HER being a sub is an important part of being a wife. She's lost that part as her family has grown and is asking for time-economical ways to get it (or a part of it) back.

It's unlikely that she's thinking about how to be a better submissive while the baby is screaming or sick. Yes, I saw the part where you said you didn't mean that the child wasn't in a caring and healthy environment.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mobius. Everybody.

Mobius, you are right, my baby does take priority over all things.

She does, however, take naps and goes to bed at a resonable hour (now in any case). My concern lays mostly in the mentality of submissiveness. Not the physical. I do things like make coffe and bring it to him, among other things. And he is very reasonable in his expectations as I have to spend a lot of time with her when she is awake.

I am very mentally oriented. The physical side of a D/s relationship, while still important, is not a priority for me. I want ways to remind myself mentally of who or what I am. That is why I liked Jones' Nikka's suggestion. It is simply but sounds effective.

I also like Jane's idea of just taking a few minutes each day. (For me it would have be during a nice hot soak in the tub as that is where I do my best thinking). Again, it's a mind exercise, a thinking exercise.

Drayman, while your idea is interesting, I do not think it would work for us. :) Now that my c section is pretty much healed, I intend to try and start shaving again as that is how TG likes it. But thank you for the suggestion all the same.

Rituals and reminders are amazing for mindset when life has you busy and thinking of other things.

I like this idea:

D/s ankle bands

Also, when the day is busy with vanillastuff, the only time we seem to get alone is during the night, so sleeping with some sort of kinky item in place is really nice. Perhaps being made to wear a collar (something comfy) or plugged while you sleep. *grin*

Everyday things can become more play-like if they are actually specified. Like if you have a habbit of making him a coffee or tea, he may stipulate that it has to be done by or at a certain time.

Online journals are a nice break if you can get 10 or 15 mins to enter into, for his review of course. It wouldn't necessarily be about the content of your journal but the fact that making daily entries is a must. Try: Diaryland

Silly rules and rituals, that really have no purpose other than to keep your mindset are a great turn on for me. Silly things like, if you do dishes, you must wear heels when standing at the sink, you may take them off when done. Being male, having to sit to pee was a neat one.

Rules, reminders and rituals... *swoon* ... now there's a thread all of it's own.

bent

Does anyone have any more comments for this thread?

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Originally Posted by BDSM_Tourguide

Does anyone have any more comments for this thread?

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Yes, i do.

Having encountered this particular problem from time to time, i have come to the conclusion that the antithesis of 'focusing' on submission helps sort out the wheat from the chaff in terms of my feelings towards submission and my ability to focus on it. By antithesis, i mean thinking about life without submission, life without giving up any degree of personal power, life without Ds....imagining the opposite is far more effective, at times, than forcing one's mind to focus ON it.

Just an idea, anyway.

sl

Quote:

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Originally Posted by slavelucy

Yes, i do.

Having encountered this particular problem from time to time, i have come to the conclusion that the antithesis of 'focusing' on submission helps sort out the wheat from the chaff in terms of my feelings towards submission and my ability to focus on it. By antithesis, i mean thinking about life without submission, life without giving up any degree of personal power, life without Ds....imagining the opposite is far more effective, at times, than forcing one's mind to focus ON it.

Just an idea, anyway.

sl

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This thought may be a tool that could be used to train a new sub. Or at least a sub could use this to determine their sincerity in submission. A succinct thought. Thank you!

To echo on a couple of thoughts above. I have on my key chain a little slapper thingy given to me by a sub many years ago. While the rest of the world wouldn't give it a second thought it still reminds me both of her and gets me to pause and think about BDSM and relationship.

A great stress relief for me at the end of a long day or on the way to one is to think on BDSM. Weather its something we have done or want to do physically or just the enjoyment of submission given. It is particularly useful in keeping the blood pressure down when stuck in traffic. I for one much prefer walking in the door with good thoughts and in a playful mood then gggggrrrrring about the traffic. :dedhorse:

FF this topic has beef quiet for a while. It would be interesting to hear if you found something here that helped.

I cannot honestly say that things have changed much in the way of my being able to fully submitt. I think once we get a few things sorted out in our 'normal' lives, things will change. Right now I am always concerned about Tg getting deported, the diconnection notices sitting on the kitchen table, the unpaid rent and wether we are raising our daughter right.

Once a few of those big stresses have been removed, I think that it will be able to focus better.