When a sub thinks her Dom made a mistake.

I have a question about an experience I had recently. My Master has always been amazing. For seven years He has pushed my limits flawlessly, encouraged so much growth and development, and loved me like I've never been loved before.

Recently, He gave me a task which I was excited to do for Him. When I got to thinking about it, I realized that if I changed the task ever so slightly what I would give Him would go above and beyond what He had requested of me. I went with my own idea because I wanted to please Him as much as I possibly could.

He was not pleased. I received a punishment for not following His exact task.

I understand why He was displeased, because I did not follow the task through the exact way in which I was instructed. But for the first time EVER in our relationship, I felt as though He treated me unfairly, and I was very vocal about the way I felt.

In hindsight, I wish I had just quietly accepted the punishment and moved on. But you see, being punished for trying to go above and beyond for pleasing Him really hurt my feelings. I have always felt as though punishments would be reserved for when I willfully disobeyed him or when I was unwilling to perform. It wasn't disobedience or unwillingness. Nothing even close to that. I was desperate to impress Him with my idea to go above and beyond his request.

We had a bit of a blow up over it (well mostly I blew up and He tolerated my tantrum) and in the end, He felt as though the foundation of our Mastership had cracked and that it was time to revert to a normal.... vanilla relationship. Now there's nothing inherently WRONG with a vanilla relationship, but I'm chocolate with rainbow sprinkles in a sugar cone. The idea of having a vanilla relationship leaves me feeling bereft. I love Him with all of my heart, so of course if that is what He wishes, I will obey.

I feel as though He is not willing to be flexible in this. I understand and accept that it is not His place to need to be flexible, but I can't see giving up our 7 years of D/s history over this silly situation. I feel as though we could easily work it out, learn a great lesson on communication from it, and move on stronger than ever.

What do you guys think?? One mistake in 7 years is pretty incredible (in my opinion) and I don't feel like one misstep is worth letting this relationship fall apart. I don't respect or honor His ownership of me any less because I feel as though He was unfair in His treatment of me; and I think that is what He believes. I think He is holding himself and our relationship to a ridiculously high standard here. We're human, so we're going to mess up, right?


Do you think it's possible to move forward past something like this?? If so, please share some advice with me, because I certainly need it!

I'm not the most experienced one here to give advice, but if it were me I'd try grovelling. Apologize, tell him he has the right to punish you and you were wrong to blow up. It sounds like too good a thing to give up over one disagreement.

I've tried to talk it over with him, but as recently as this morning he is firm that he is done.

I don't think he really understands how much it is crushing me. I feel like I didn't perform perfectly one time in seven years and now I'm not good enough. And feeling that way when I gave it my all to please him is awful.

I'm so sorry, I don't know what to say if he's just determined to be done.

Me either. I think I just have to accept it.


It was sort of ironic, because as I was laying in bed this morning (truth- crying in bed this morning) it sort of hit me that this will probably be the BIGGEST test of my willingness to submit to Him of all. Am I strong enough to submit to His desire to have a vanilla relationship? Am I strong enough to submit to His desire to no longer have a Mastership? He's made it clear to me that He loves me and doesn't wish to end our entire relationship, just that side of it.

I don't see it as black and white as that. I can't stop being submissive to Him, and He will never be able to not be the dominant partner in our relationship (even without the Master title- he's not the sort to not be in control) so essentially I submit to him.... and the only reward I get is the comfort that I love him and respect Him enough that I will submit to ANY and ALL of His wishes.

Ugh. Love Him desperately.... but so not looking forward to not having that title in my life :(

Do you currently, or have you ever used a journal to communicate with your Master? You mention that you have been involved for quite some time, so if not journaling, perhaps write him a letter.. Hand written.. left on his pillow, or something equally tender and symbolic..

one mistake in seven years certainly does not warrant a switch from D/s to vanilla.. he's being TOTALLY unfair..(edit)

I don't use a journal. I probably should, but I don't.

I did write him a very heartfelt letter last evening, and this morning he responded to it very sweetly and lovingly.... but stayed firm in his decision to end our Mastership.

I agree that one mistake doesn't warrant cutting this off completely. I feel like this would be a great learning experience for both of us, but I think he may even feel a little bit self conscious about it. Perhaps self conscious isn't the right word though... unsettled maybe?? He told me that he feels as though I undermined our relationship by a)not doing what he commanded the way in which he commanded it and b)by voicing my opinion on how unfair the punishment was. And that now that I've not done and questioned his authority once, it's more likely to happen with regularity in the future. Which is absolutely NOT true.

It's not that I don't see where he's coming from, I do. But I feel like he's taking it to the absolute extreme and giving me the ultimate punishment (termination of the Master/submissive bond) for making a mistake.



Also- I do not think he understands how crushing it is for me. He was a little bit exasperated with me this morning when I was so upset about his response to my letter. But he just doesn't know what it's like for a submissive to feel 'let go' like that. Sure our relationship isn't over, but I feel as though he's rejecting a very essential and core part of my humanity and now I need to muddle through learning how to relate to him in a new and different way.... and it's just really really difficult for me.

There is one link that I am missing. Was the purpose of the task for you to go above and beyond his expectations? If yes, then he should be proud of you for your initiative. If not, then you could be given a chance to redo the original task. How exactly can the carrying out of one task become so paramount as to change a 'perfect' relationship of seven years?

Unless of course, there is more going on. And I am fully speculating here: what if he does not feel as an adequate Master to you anymore? What if he put the highest standards on the D/s side of your relationship, and now you showed him that his highest was still too low for you? What if he is simply fed up with the whole D/s scene and wants to be vanilla-normal again? What if...

What I am trying to say, Velocity, is that you two should communicate about the real issue here. Communication is key to any succesful relationship, even Vanilla.

I would also advise you to be patient. Your situation is not as grave as it looks. He loves you. You love him. He is the dominant in your relationship. You are submissive. And you have the history of seven D/s years. Chances of your relationship getting back its D/s side are considerable.

Good luck.

No, the purpose of the task was to do what He had requested.

He asked me to join a specific audio recording website and upload for Him an audio recording.

I joked something along the lines of "OMG That's the easiest task ever! I love you and I love talking, so this is perfect for me, I can easily come up with something that's sure to make you smile!"

He responded that He didn't want to smile, He wanted to be desperate for me by the time He was through listening.


I expressed my fear that I didn't think I could come up with anything I could possibly say that would make Him feel like that (this was me thinking out loud, NOT me expressing an unwillingness to perform the task.... trust me, I have been ordered to do MUCH more difficult things in the past and done them without hesitation).

So I tried the recording and I just didn't FEEL it. I didn't feel as though anything I was saying would give Him what He desired, and it felt so forced and fake. So I got the idea instead of doing just an audio recording, I would make Him a video! It wasn't anything sexual, it was just a video of me talking, telling Him how much I love Him and miss Him (we have been separated by way too many miles recently) and stuff like that.

I was SOOOO excited for Him to wake up and get it because He's always expressed pleasure in me taking initiative and going above and beyond. I wanted him to be surprised and excited.

He was not pleased that I did not follow the command He had given me. I was heartbroken. And I was hurt as well. I had been a bit vulnerable in the video and I felt like giving my all just wasn't good enough. So I regret my action, but I argued with Him and told Him that I felt He had been unfair with me.


It's all been downhill from there.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Dominanant

I would also advise you to be patient. Your situation is not as grave as it looks. He loves you. You love him. He is the dominant in your relationship. You are submissive. And you have the history of seven D/s years. Chances of your relationship getting back its D/s side are considerable.

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This is absolutely what I'm banking on, and it's helping me handle this all.

OK, first I will offer a *hug*, if you will accept one from me. Then, let me see if I have understood this all correctly. Your Master gave you a task to do, which you altered. Then when he was upset over your alteration, you balked at his punishment. Now he has assigned “the biggest test for your willingness to submit to him yet” in your words… and still you balk. Do I have it right?

Perhaps his objective in this original task of his was something you did not see. For example, maybe it was that he wanted a link to this specific site, and a recording from you was the bonus. He gets what he wants and gets to hear his love’s voice as a side perk. I don’t know. The point is you don’t know either. He asked you to do a specific thing and you altered it.

Please do not be upset at me. I do understand how hard and harsh it feels to ‘be dropped’. I am only attempting to give you another view. Perhaps you might consider submitting to him, even if this ends up being the final time. Do exactly as he says, in this. Go vanilla for him, just as he says. Consider it your Grand Finale, if that helps you. I am guessing – a complete guess on my part, mind you – that perhaps if you submit in this, you might regain something lost. I truly hope this is the case, and wish you the best.

I don't actually disagree with you Skittish Doe! (And of course I will accept all of the hugs I can get!) I mentioned above that I felt like this might be the biggest test of my willingness to submit to Him. I told Him in the letter that I wrote to Him that I would accept whatever choice He made and be whatever He wanted me to be within our relationship. I'm struggling, of course, but I'm working my absolute hardest to make Him proud of me, even if it's only because I am submitting to His desire for a vanilla relationship. Thank you for your thoughts- I truly appreciate them!

I'm certainly not an expert in these matters, but, my two cents:
-This has probably turned into an issue of pride for him, more than anything having to do with you. There's a natural tendency in situations like these, when confronted with the issue, to dig in and insist on being right. I think that this tendency is even stronger in a d/s relationship, where your Master probably does not want to show any weakness or vacillation in front of you. This is understandable, if a bit....pig-headed.
Second, in my opinion, patience is one of the greatest virtues a sub can have. Give him enough time, and your Master will probably reconsider the situation. It's been seven years, and I'm sure he doesn't want to lose this-give him time, trust him, and things may work out fine.

I am going to agree with iucundavi. I hope your master comes around. It is certainly not easy to be a sub and sometimes masters do seem to be unfair but as I told a sub, you give up your right to make decisions, including what is fair and what is unfair when you allow someone else to control you.

Be a good submissive, obey your master and I suspect he will soon be thinking up new tasks for you to do.

Sounds like your master was just been waiting for an excuse to end things (based solely upon what you have told us).

No, I don't think that's accurate. I think it's deeper than that. He's not afraid to be brutally honest when He needs to be. If He was disinterested in or unhappy with our D/s relationship he would have had no problem just telling me and not waiting until He thought He could blame me for ending things.

That was my first thought denuseri but now I think it may just be pride. Unfortunately we only know half of the story. Im hoping it works out for you Velocity.

Well, you were given a task and you altered it and did not do the task, then bitched about getting punished for not doing the task. When us dominant types give a task with a set of very specific instructions, that is the task we want done. For you to change the task and then whine because you think the punishment is unfair is a direct challenge to him (and btw life is not fair whoever said that should be beaten raped and set on fire life is not fair period). I do not know you or him so I can say I would be annoyed if I gave my girl a task and she changed it, would it warrant a punishment mayhap and if I did punish her and she then bitched about being punished would get her punished again, Would I then step down as being a Master, hell fucking no it is who and what I am. There maybe some issues that you are unaware of.

Stone, my Master agrees with you. He did not say it in very nice terms either.

Have been away for some time, but if this topic isn't finished, a short comment from me.

Through all your obviously very real pain and agony, it seems to me that there is little space for thinking about how He feels about it, and why he reacted the way he did. This seems to have struck others as well.

I believe I understand him. If I had given a direct order, and was disobeyed, and got a big tantrum about my decision to punish this, I might also decide that this sub is not for me IF there had been other problems as well. As others, I too feel that your description of how your bdsm life was is almost too idyllic to be true. We have a saying where I come from, that only what is lost is loved forever. Is it possible that, in your panic, your feelings about what you had is too rose-tinted, and that there was something there after all that has something to do with this?

It is about obedience, you know, even if it is also about communication, which there doesn't seem to have been very much of? Not good communication, any way. An uproar is not communication. And it is in any case impossible to discuss anything when one is wildly upset. About obedience: you did not obey, and you did challenge him head-on about his decision about it.

I am so sory for what you have lost - may have lost. I also feel that all you can do is have patience, but also please think very carefully about your own role in this, not just about how unjust is all was. Something apparently has to be different, and if it does change, maybe so will he.

Best of luck!

Hi..............i think its very odd he reacted the way he did....i wonder if theres other deeper issues that havnt been talked about......7yrs is a long time...and it seems like it was a strong realationship....... i would have to talk to him..be emotional but dont get mad or shout show him what you feel.....kind wishes tink xx

Hi Velocity,
As i was reading this, the feeling that i got was instead of looking at it as the end of your D/s relationship and into Vanilla. To look at it as your Master was giving you another opportunity to submit to his will completely and fully. To show your willingness to submit to him, being willing to experience things that you may not personally enjoy, but do them out of service and devotion. Disobeying a direct and detailed order and not accepting punishment is similar to saying you doubt his abilities and question his ownership of you. I think that going back to basics and working on the foundation of your relationship, is most likely one of the few ways to save your relationship. i do not know you or your Master, but maybe that is what he is thinking as well?

OK, I know this thread is very old, but I felt strongly about this and still wanted to post my thoughts. First of all, I'm so sorry you experienced this. Hopefully, things resolved and you are once again D/s in your relationship. However, what strikes me is that your goal was not truly to go above and beyond. Instead, you questioned your Master's ability to know what you are and are not capable of. He commanded you to make an audio tape that would make him want you desperately. You tried once, and decided you couldn't do it, so you substituted something that was easier for you. Not only did you not do "just" an audio tape, instead of making it sexual, you made it about how much you loved him. Something totally different; Something you wanted to do, not what he wanted you to do.
Then, as others pointed out, you questioned your punishment….