I hope I am not out of line by posting this because I really don’t have a lot of experience in this lifestyle. What I do have is a lot of personal experience in dealing with relationships, I was in an abusive marriage for many years which I left and I had a second marriage end in a way that caused me to do much personal growth and learning about myself.

I have read posts here by mostly women who for one reason or another have either been put in a position of physical danger by the demands of the Dom or great emotional distress. They all seem to be unsure if the abuse they have received is normal or not and if they are being a “good sub” by questioning the demands and or actions of the Dom.

In my opinion if it feels like abuse, IT IS abuse. It takes time to build trust in any relationship and only moments to shatter it forever and this kind of relationship, I believe, demands people to develop a deeper trust than most couples will ever have. A Dom should honor the gift of trust and respect that you are giving to him. You have a responsibility to yourself to ask “Is he/she worthy?’ of what I am offering. That is a question that can only be answered in time and one action at a time. There is nothing wrong with having the self esteem to ask that and believe that you are worthy of being cherished by the person you have chosen to know you in such an intimate way. You are offering insight into your thoughts, your soul, your needs and wants and things that you are afraid to express to anyone else. To be intimate with each other in a way that is not just sexual.

In the end if you have had to ask the question, in your heart you already know the answer and the Dom has failed to be worthy of you. I don’t believe that it is healthy not to have any limits and not to be able to say no. Not at first and not until you know you are safe no matter what. I have read over and over people in here stressing communication, both before and after any scene, is critical to building a sub/Dom relationship. If someone you had just met demanded you to do something you were not comfortable with and refused to discuss why saying you were a bad person for asking in any other scenario, would you still say yes and comply? I bet you would have alarm bells going off and your instinct would tell you to leave. Follow your intuitions. They are never wrong.

Any way just my two cents for what it is worth.