Hi all. I used to be quite active on this forum a year ago, while these days I'm barely on. It's not like I've lost interest. Quite the opposite, except when I joined this forum initially, it was more of an exploration. It eventually became the place where I got to know some wonderful people, and the place were I met an awesome person.

I met her for the first time in person last year, a few days after she broke up with her boyfriend. I immediately liked her, but I didn't want to be a rebound guy so we agreed to hold off everything for atleast a couple of months. Anyhow, the more I saw her, the more I liked her, till at one point, which I can't really determine, I fell completely in love, although I didn't know it just yet.

For some time, things were going better then great. My ex had broken up with me, I eventually found out that she left me for her ex, and after getting to know her, that didn't matter at all. Long story short, I got out a rut that I was in, work started getting wayy better, I was excited about school and achieving a career. We made plans, we talked about the future, but we still never were a couple just yet. I had wanted to wait, and so did she. A few months later, her ex gets in contact with her and she wasn't sure anymore. Truth be told, I always figured that she wasn't over him, I don't know if it was intuition, or just a fluke. She was quite confused about the two of us, and I guess the stress of school and this had taken her toll. I didn't really know what to do, so I decided to be supportive, just helping her as much as I could.

We were initially going for a vacation in the winter, but she decided that she wanted the time to just contemplate what was happening. Eventually, she ended up going to visit her friends, and he (her ex) was going to be there. I told her it was fine, figured that she needed some time to get a grip of herself. I was hoping she'd be all better. (there is a reason why there was a lot of stress, and it is not my place to share it here)

I found out that she went back to her ex, right after she told me that she was too confused to start dating. I was crushed to say the least, but for some reason, we remained friends, or something like that.

The thing is, her words I was the guy that she knew she'd end up with if she had decided me, while she was concerned that her relationship with him could end at any moment. I couldn't understand it, still can't. After a while, I realised that staying in touch with her was too painful, so we stopped talking. And as impossible as it seemed, it was way more difficult.

I know I'm not over her, everyday I try to convince myself that what happened turned out for the better, but every night, I can't agree with that. The thing is, I could handle her dating someone else, spending the rest of her life with him. What I can't handle, what really kills me, is that she never bothered to wait, to tell me that she wanted to go with him and just let me adjust. I don't know if I'm being too selfish, and if I am, please tell me.

It's been more then half a year, we barely talk apart from the occasional message now. The only way I can handle this in my mind is by telling myself I'm not worth it. While it's demeaning to myself, I can atleast understand it. I can rationalize it. I can't think of anything else to explain it. I have amazing confidence in my abilities and I know I'll be quite successful in the future in my career and every other aspect of my life, but I just have nothing on relationships. I've turned down a few interests including this great girl, because in part, I'm still in love with this girl, or who I think she is, and part because I'm afraid.

A year ago, if you told me that this would be my state of mind, I would have laughed at you. I was always the strong calm one. I always had control over myself. I wish I could go back to being him