What I say in the thread is for mature members only. If you have any problems with what I say then please do not comment. I seek advice. Not a lecture. I apologize in advance if any of the following offends anyone.

I finally have a Dom. I actually met him a year ago, long before I came to this site. But we actually decided to try a little D/s. Anyways, I've had fantasies about rape and wanted to try it out with him. It wouldn't a real rape. It's not like he'd come out of the shadows, snatch me up, beat me, and force himself on me. I'm not interested in that. I wanted to experience what it's like to actually BE submissive. But I'm not use to the idea of willingly submitting. Forced submission intrigues me though because my pride stays intact. The submission is unwilling...yet refreshing. Basically I wanted him to fuck me at his own pace. He wouldn't be violent with. He just would disregard my pleas for him to slow down or stop, which is what I wanted. I wanted him to have sex with me slowly and deeply and talk me through the whole thing. I love the idea of a man whispering softly in my ear, trying to comfort me. Even if he's the one causing me distress.

Now, to most of you this is nothing because you are use to having sex. However I've only had one previous sexual encounter but I was drunk out of my mind and don't remember much. I thought having a drink or two would take the edge off because I was very nervous at the time. Big mistake. I don't remember anything. I was so loosey goosey . The guy I was with at the time (I consented to sex before I got drunk so you can all exhale now) didn't have a problem having sex with me. But once I sobered up, it was impossible. That was 2 years ago. Anyways, last night my Dom and I decided to go for it. This time, I wouldn't drink anything. I wanted to be conscious of everything that happened to me so that I could thoroughly enjoy it and reminisce during classes or on my spare time. Needless to say I was shaking the whole time. He was rough and gentle at the same time. Sweet yet demanding. In short, this guy knew what the fuck he was doing . He tied me up and we did some...things. But one thing we couldn't do was have sex. My anxiety got the best of me and I was too tight for him to penetrate. It wasn't fully my fault though. This guy is big. Big and thick. Which I was not prepared for. But we could not have sex; Vaginal or anal because I was too tight in both holes due to my clenching and shaking. We spent about an hour trying. He tried different tactics. First he tied me up so that I wouldn't squirm. No good. Then he would slap me ass and pull my hair or grab my neck or bite my nipples (I hate nipple play) in order to punish me for not opening up for him. Fun but no cigar. He tried using his fingers which eventually worked. Then he tried actually penetrating, which did not work. Then he tried lightly forcing he way inside despite my yelps and screams. No go. The pain was too much and I was too nervous to relax. We finally gave up. Well, he did. I wanted him to keep trying because, even though I was scared out of my mind and the pain was crazy and my Dom was unpredictable, this was my fantasy. And even the pain was exciting.

But we sat down and talked for a bit. He basically said that I wasn't relaxed enough to have sex quite yet. He 'could' take me but that would be way too painful for me. I remember screaming really loudly when he almost got inside me. Indeed, it would have hurt. Even with all of the lube and all of the foreplay that we used and did. He didn't want me to truly suffer. Because it WOULD hurt. And he didn't want me to bleed really bad. I was already bleeding (lightly) anyway due to the hour of trying. I honestly wasn't expecting him to be so big. You wouldn't know it to look at him. He's not a big guy.

He tried to relax me by massaging and rubbing all over me. And it worked. Until he went for my crotch. Then I'd tense up again. You see the problem. My question is, does anyone have any pointers to avoid this? I mean I know some subs here have been so nervous that it actually prevented them from going so far. Especially when the Doms/Masters are constantly pushing limits. How do you get over it? My Dom and I want to try again some time soon but I don't want it to be a repeat of last night. I don't want to clench up anymore. I'm hoping this is all anxiety and not a medical problem. I'm hoping it's not Vaginismus. It's basically when the muscles surrounding the vagina spasm so tightly that you can't have sex. I hope it's not this because the cause for this is unknown and therefore there is no cure. Only 'treatments' that vary with each person. If I can just relax during the act then maybe we can do it and Vaginismus is not the problem (I hope I really do). So, is there any advice that one could give in order to calm me down? It would be much Appreciated. No alcohol please. I don't drink anymore anyways. One time is enough. I'm a little desperate because I want to act out this fantasy right. But I don't want him to tear me to shreds from the inside.


Thank you so much in advance. I really want to join in on the fun that you all know all too well. :