What about children?

[mmmmmmm]

Interested in hearing people's thoughts on this ...

What do you think about raising children in an active and open BDSM environment? Do you think the demands of parenting are compatible with "the lifestyle?" Should BDSM activities be strictly behind closed doors? What about couples with extreme tastes? Where's the line? What's acceptable in front of the kids? Can a openly BDSM environment be a healthy place to raise children? Any thoughts?

[Mobius]

I can't realy express an opine one way or an other, Not having kids. But I would think that you would want to keep your sexual side apart from your kids no matter what kind of Sexual activitys weather it be vanilla or hang moma from her ankles.

I did not know that my parents were that way until I turned 14 when I opened the door without knocking and saw Daddy climbing on Momy

Still can't think of that with out losing my vision.

Others may of course disagree with me.

One would have to say that the only ones that can realy say are the one't with children.

Look forward to reading what other's have to say.

[MrJerseyGuy]

I really had to reply to this one. Mind you, I'm the biggest prevert in the world and love most forms of what the main stream would call "deviant" sex. I absolutely respect everyone's right to have fun in the bedroom and anything that makes it better between consenting adults I am totally in favor of. That said...

My personal belief if that children should be kept out of it. They should be free to make their own decisions about sex when the time is appropriate the same way that we were. Children are easily influenced by the behavior of their parents. It would be very easy to have your child accept the "lifestyle" as appropriate for him or her but I don't think it's morally right to do so. In addition, I think many jurisdictions, at least in the U.S., would consider it criminal to do so. And i don't mean involving them in it...just exposing them to it.

As much as those of us who visit this forum consider bdsm fine and healthy, none of us with a brain can argue that it violates "societal norms". I don't consider myself "abnormal"...but I recognize that my tastes are not mainstream.

As this relates to raising children...they have it tough enough already without undo influence from us. Raise the kids in a healthy and loving environment and let them make up their own minds about what is right for them.

I grew up in a very "vanilla" home as did my girlfriend...but it didn't stop either of us from figuring out that we liked whips, chains, handcuffs and hot wax!!! Our kids should have the option of figuring that out on their own as well.

I said my piece...I'm going to jump off the cross and get back to browsing.

Great post!!!

[MrJerseyGuy]

I meant to say...

Doesn't violate societal norms

[fetish101]

In my opinion, no parents should do things sexual in front of their children aside from hugging and kissing and showing mild affection. The steamier stuff should stay behind closed doors.

People in Vanilla relationships don't have sex in front of their kids, and neither should people in a bdsm or similar relationship. That doesn't mean you can't do it, you just have to be more discreet about it.

Before you had kids, you could do it anytime, anywhere. Now you have to wait until they're asleep or out of the house.

[woodsman'sgame]

fetish 101

In my opinion, no parents should do things sexual in front of their children aside from hugging and kissing and showing mild affection. The steamier stuff should stay behind closed doors.

Amen!

The discipline also even when non-sexual will be difficult for a child to understand.

Do you want your daughter or son to be submissive or dominant to everyone?
That may be the message she/he learns.

[Finding_Fantasy]

Coming from someone who has children, I would tend to agree with fethis101 and game. Sexual activity should be limited to times when the little ones are not around as well as other activities ie: spankings.

I will try to teach my daughter to be open minded, to not be afraid to try new things, but I will leave it up to her to discover them.

From personal experience, it is not easy living a BDSM lifestyle with a child. You quite often try to do things together when the kid is down for a nap, but it usually happens, without fail, that he/she will wake up in the middle of it and want to be fed. Nothing kills the mood faster.

Not that I am saying that she is an imposition. She's not. It just makes living a 24/7 lifestyle pretty much impossible. I my opinion. It's hard to say what will happen in the furture when she is a little older.

[fetish101]

When she gets older and no longer takes naps or needs to be fed you might have to rely more on her going for sleepovers to friend's houses or you guys going away for a night or two occasionally.

[Finding_Fantasy]

True. I am sure that in the summer and so on, Grandma and Grandpa will want to take her camping with them. Which is fine by me.

[His_sweet_song]

Sir and i limit our activities to the times at the weekends when the children go to their father.be it either just for the sunday or the entire weekend as was the case this weekend.....unfortunatly i was fairly ill over the weekend so our activities were limited because of that anyway...but we have many more such weekends ahead of us....especially after Sir can eventually move in....but yes the activities are undertaken if not behind closed doors..then when the children are not in the house at all....

song

[HarryBerg01]

Periodically, Boston holds a fetish fare. It used to be in the Cyclorama. Apropo of nothing else, the Cyclorama once contained an in round pictorial account of a famous Civil War battle. Later the artwork was moved to another location. Supposedly at some point, Champion rented the facility and that was the location where he invented the spark plug.
I used to attend these Saturday afternoon events where whips, leather goods, dildos, chains, slings, corsets, etc., were on sale and being demonstrated. Subs were being publically whipped to demonstrate the products. There were all manner of people walking around dressed in fetish garb.
What I thought odd was the number of children there with there parents. Mom and dad all dressed in leather holding the hands of elementary school age children who were sometimes dressed like minature versions of their parents. There were teenager girls dressed like dominatrices to be.
I always wonder whether any of those children ever wrote a book about growing up in the S&M world.

[justlola]

You have all pretty much covered the sex stuff but, what about the day to day D/s stuff. How do those of you with children walk the line between doing what is comfortable and good for you and your partner without skewing the perception that your children have of gender roles? How do you stop from raising a doormat or, bully. Children don't always understand the intricacies of adult relationships and what may be loving to the both of you, could come off as "Daddy always getting his way cause he is more important/strong/male/worthy than Mommy" or vice versa. I have limited my D/s life to sex for the most part because of this very dilemma. I would prefer not to but, I do it in the same way that I get up and make my daughter breakfast even though I am tired. Does anyone here walk that line?

[MrJerseyGuy]

Good question and I imaging you'll get a lot of diverse answers. Obviously I can only speak for myself...but in our case the D/s or BDSM stays strictly in the bedroom or, on rare occassions, my apartment when we are alone. In the bedroom, I'm the boss and she's the slut. We both like it that way and have incredible sex because of it. There are situations like, making her go to work with a chastity belt on, or go out for dinner with a butt plug lodged in place that are fun...but outside of our relationship...no one would ever suspect what goes on behind closed doors.

I know there are those who consider it a "lifestyle" and thats fine if it works for them. It doesn't for me.

It actually serves as a source of amusement for us that those who know us would probably think of me as being a little "pussy whipped". But once the door shuts she and I both know who is doing the whipping. We often exchange a little glance or wink when, in the presence of friends, someone makes a reference to "whips and chains", "handcuffs", or shaved pussys. Its just another little bond that brings us closer together

There's my response...I'm curious to see some of the others.

[Finding_Fantasy]

For TG and myself, I don't think that it will be much of an issue. We talk everything over whether it be in our d/s relationship, our role as husband and wife, or being mommy and daddy. Our choices are not made because he is the dominant and I am the submissive.

Our choices are made on what is best in the long run for all involved. TG treats me as an equal and I have equal say in the matter. If there is something that needs to be hammered out in our D/s rleationship, then we do that in private, but if it has to do with anything regarding how our home is run, we are on equal footing. I am definitely no doormat despite being submissive. I express my opinions openly and TG takes them seriously and weighs them as though I am a human being and not simply making noise. If I have a valid point, he will concede or express his opposite opinion. TG helps with the chores, helps with the baby and so on.

So, despite our alternative lifestyle, in a way we are no different than any other married couple. Granted, we are not 24/7. That is just not possible for us, so the exposure our daughter will have of our D/s lifestyle will be minimal.

I don't know if I explained myself very well. If this doesn't make sense, please feel free to ask any questions!

[MrJerseyGuy]

I thought it was very eloquent FF. And also a very mature attitude toward the whole concept.

Only thing I want to know is...how come the rest of us are "Junior members" or "Senior members" but you get the title of "BDSM_Tourguides wench"? You must know people here!

[Finding_Fantasy]

Thank you MJG.
I try to look at it from all angles before I make a choice.

[justlola]

Hi FF, I certainly did not mean to imply that any sub was a doormat. I only meant that children who see their parents D/s relationships 24/7 could easily misconstrue what is going on. Children learn how to be people by watching those around them, they don't always have all the facts and their impressions are derived from their own skewed perceptions of how their world works.

[His_sweet_song]

i said previously that Sir and i keep the D/s side of things in the bedroom behind closed doors and will continue to do so...but was telling Sir about something the children had been doing the other morning...my son was throwing something and my littel girl was scurrying after it on her hands and knees to go fetch..her pretending to be a little puppy....sighs i do not know how many times i have kept telling them they are not little animals and that they are children...yet they still do it...and no it is not something that they have seen me do in any way..so just children playing or signs of things to come??

[drake7]

Children, especially young children, are simply not sophisticated enough to understand a BDSM relationship.

Exposing them to, or having them participate in, a BDSM relationship is wrong and in some cases illegal.

If you have children keep your BDSM to yourself.

Drake.

[Finding_Fantasy]

Originally posted by justlola
Hi FF, I certainly did not mean to imply that any sub was a doormat. I only meant that children who see their parents D/s relationships 24/7 could easily misconstrue what is going on. Children learn how to be people by watching those around them, they don't always have all the facts and their impressions are derived from their own skewed perceptions of how their world works.

I relaize that Lola. What I am saying is that I conduct my D/s life much like a normal married relationship. Not much different aside from who is ultimately in control. There will be nothing to misconstrue in our relationship. I do not call him Master or Sir, we act like a normal married couple pretty much and have no intentions of acting any differently around our daughter. For all intents and purposes, we keep our D/s life and our married life on two seperate boundries.

[rhiannonmackey]

I am currently waiting to find out if I am pregnant, Im young and will admit...i have no clue where to start raising children. This post was a good thought provoker.

I personally think that its going to be weird enough that mommy has a girlfriend and is with Daddy. Though We will probablly work something out around that becuase my girlfriend doesnt really think shes able to parent at this point....she'll probablly just end up being mommy's friend.

As far as my bdsm life style..i keep it pretty quiet as it is. So... Yea... we would just keep it that way... *shrugs*

Its really interesing hearing peoples opions on things... *smiles* I love reading posts...

[drake7]

If I understand correctly from your post you are with the childs father and are also "dating" another female?

While I am certainly against exposing a child to a BDSM relationship at a young age, as long as you are not explicit with it and the child doesn't feel it jeopardizes the relationship with the father you should be able to include your girlfriend in your family as a sort of "aunt."

When I was about 14 I had a friend whose mother was divorced and had a room mate. His mother's room mate, they all lived in the same house together, was a female and even to my young eye it was obvious they were gay. They were never open with it around us, and I never mentioned it to him, and he was comfortable with the situation and got along quite well with his mothers' friend. As long as you don't do anything that could traumatize the child they are quite happy with "extended family" situations that adults would be shocked at. Think about "Scooby Doo" two men, two women and a great dane driving around the country in a van? If kids can accept that as normal...

[lynangel]

Although our kids are now grown we have always kept our sexual life private and away from them both. That was OUR time and completely our business. We have been married for almost 28 years and it is only in the past few years that we have discovered BDSM.

Made no difference as our kids always accepted the fact that our room was our room and needed permission to enter unless invited. In the same way, now that they have a sex life of their own it wouldn't occur to me to question just what they do behind the doors of their rooms. They could be into the same sort of stuff as we are or they could be totally boring!

Kids don't need to know what mum and dad are up to in their room. Life will catch them soon enough and then they can, as we did, choose their own thing. That could be anything but that is their business and nobody elses.

That's not to say that we repressed our kids. They saw us nude often enough and the bathroom door was rarely closed, let alone locked, so the human body has never been a mystery to them. It was just a case of adult stuff being kept adult.

I have sympathy though for those parents who are into this lifestyle and still have little ones. All I can say is...take advantage of grandparents and aunts and uncles who would like to take the little ones off your hands for a few nights every now and then.

[Warrior]

Well I don't have any kids so my opinion doesn't hold much weight, but I reckon that no sexual activities should not be practiced in front of the kids.

Once they turn 18 I think you should explain to them the way you are. But first ask them if them if they could cope with a revelation about yourselves. If they decide they want that form of lifestyle (and are scared to tell you) and come across you (for example) in a party, imagine their reaction.

In the poorer 3rd world countries, parents have sex in front of their kids, because there is no alternative.

[Barton]

I do have kids, they are almost of collage age and soon will be leaving(yeah!!). My partner and I have always been open about almost everything with them including sex. However they do not need to know the particulars. When they are better able to make their own decisions then perhaps we will be even more open, but I think they will need to be more mature first.

Barton.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Do any of you have any comments on handling BDSM and children at the same time?

[Dngnkeeper]

Snip... Once they turn 18 I think you should explain to them the way you are. But first ask them if them if they could cope with a revelation about yourselves. If they decide they want that form of lifestyle (and are scared to tell you) and come across you (for example) in a party, imagine their reaction. Snip...

You have a great point here. In my years with munches and BDSM events I have seen on three occasions children surprise their parents. Two lead to some trauma, mostly on the parents parts, for all involved. While the other, while somewhat tense, did not. This was because the parents had been open and honest with their daughter about their lifestyle, once she had reached a certain age. I asked her onetime at an event if her parents lifestyle choice had influenced her. She answered that directly it haden't, she thought them "kinky" and that they "dressed weird" sometimes. Later, she said, when she met her lover, to be her Domme, her upbringing had helped her with her sexuality and "kinkiness". She thinks it funny that she and her parents share the same interests. The parents are still having some uneasiness though.