Your Critiqe Is Invited -------

[Lee Boudine]

I have been enjoying writing a bondage story posted in the FANTASY forum.
Please read it and post your opinions, advice, and comments. I would appreciate suggestions to improve my writing. lee.

[Alex Bragi]

Deleted.

[Lee Boudine]

Deleted.

I really would not take offense, whatever your opinion. I would reply in kind if I happened to disagree OR I would say "THANKS for good advice." if I agreed.

We don't really learn from those who do not give us the respect of honest opinions. I do appreciate that you are one of us 'good guys' Alex.

God Bless, lee.

[ElectricBadger]

I'll try to post a response asap, Lee -- and mad props for being willing to invite comments, it can be a nerve wracking experience!

For the rest of ya, the best way to reward that risk is to give your honest comments; I know from experience that just being told what's good is almost worse than just what's bad, so speak up!!!

[Alex Bragi]

Ok, so sorry for my misunderstanding.

I haven't read all of yet, but this is what I've noted.

The first paragraphs: It may seem pedantic but, when you choose to write in the first person, you can't then going directly telling the reader what the other characters are thinking, or feeling. What works better is, "I knew she must have..." or "I could tell by..." As you have done later in your piece.

Hanah was ready: traunatized by hours of pain and degrdation that destroyed her ego leaving her defenseless. Now after four days of being ignored as a non-person and her senses worn down by the psychological assault and lonliness of the special cell Hanah had only one defense left: the brief exhilerating pleasure of orgasm she had experienced when I had raped her the first day. It was the only pleasurable experience left in her destroyed psyche. To survive, the memory of that pleasure had grown and she had come to identify with the man who brought her that pleasure and who controlled her very being.

It is called transference: a defence mechanism of the traumatized human mind in which that person most threatning becomes that person most desired. It is a simple mental quirk that in order to survive the person adopts he who threatens to destroy. You are confused, dear reader ? Well, let me turn off the blinding light so you can see how this "transferrence" effects Hanah.

I turn off the lights and Hanah blinks. She rubs her eyes and blinks repeatedly until her eyes adjust to the dim light. She sees me , but cannot yet see clear enough to recognize me. But, she suspects, " Is that you ? Is this my examiner, my interrogator ? Tell me it is............"

She is anxious for the human contact; for the reassurance to trhe most powerful person in her life now. The one person who can save her. "Yes my precious lady of the night, it is I."

This change tenses from past to (Hanah was...) to present in these few sentences (She is..) reads awkwardly, and it's just not right. Unless you're writing about two different times, you can't switch tenses.

"The first time I took her it was by force. She was not strong enough to resist me taking my satisfaction from her femaleness. Her struggles added to the frenzy of the pleasure I took from her soft body. I recalled it as I watched her now after another night in the cell. Yes I though, be patient, she is ready .........................

I can tell you right here and now every freaking pervert out there that reads that would appreciate a little more of the hot and sticky details. Look, a lot of people are going to disagree with me, I know, but honestly isn't "I took her by force" just a bit of a wasted opportunity to fire up a horny reader's imagination ready for what's to come later? I noted also, "Her clothing was gone"--now there was perfect opportunity to slot in a description of Hanah's naked body. Call me a sick little bunny, but I sure would have like to have read more about it. (And, what's with that row of periods? Use three when there are words missing and four if there are words missing and it's the end of a sentence.)

Overall, it's shaping up to be a hot little story, no doubt about it, but odd typos and words repeated too closely kind of bogged it down a little for me. When a reader stumbles on an error, or hesitates because the same word is used in consecutive sentences it break the feeling of suspended belief that, you as an author, should be striving to achieve. It's fine to use three sentences in a row with the same word to give it impact (a triplex) but otherwise avoid using the same words too closely. Of course, it's impossible to avoid using pronouns over and over but still I felt, with a little planning, a few of those 'she's could have been culled.

Ok, so I know I’m being super nit picky, but you did ask.

I wish all the best with your writing and look forward to more.

[Lee Boudine]

Electric Badger hit the nail on the head Alex. I can not improve if I don't have honest opinions. I respect and appreciate yours. lee.