Fan Male

[Faye Kname]

Dear Jack:

I am glad you liked my story on BDSMlib.


> What an amazing woman you must be!

"Amazing", like spider man? Oh, you mean a MUTANT!
Yeah.

And I don't care how many years I've hung around in this hideous so-called "real" world with the god-forsaken grownups, I'm not a "woman"; I'm a girl, like I was at the University of Maryland.


> please actually be a female instead of a pretend male!

That's the only one of the many wishes in your email that I'm gonna grant. And even THAT'S only because I don't have a choice. Which is fine with me: I like being fucked by guys, and I wouldn't want to be a man that likes being fucked by guys. As F. Scott Fitzgerald said, "In women, that's sexy; in men, it's revolting".


> I printed every page you wrote

why not just read it on the screen?


> which is very rare for me.

You used some of your printer paper! On *ME*!

I am, like, SOO flattered...

Let's FUCK!


> I did that because you may be the only brilliant, totally honest feminine being in the entire bdsm library.

Aww, I bet you say that to ALL the mentally-unstable easy pussy!


> I have studied this site for several years

Intensely too, I'll bet!


> yours is the only believable apparently totally honest

Yeah well we autistic people are LIKE that. it contributes to our gullibility, disappointment, and having our careers trashed by evil (i.e. normal) people until one day we just say "FUCK IT" and walk out.


> We did meet one remarkable sensual woman

Is that the royal "we"--the one you doms use?


> she is a total hermitess

Ewwww, "hermitess!" That word's ICKY, like "penis" and "directrix"!


> but she finally allowed us to meet with her, share a feast, and visit

Here comes the part where you ask for my address...


> her hide-a-way cabin deep in the remote woods

You stalk homleles women!


> We doubt if we will ever

There's that creepy "we" again! It reminds me of Kazinsky calling himself "we" in his fucked-up manifesto!


> be that lucky with you

Uhh, you have NO idea how many men want to "get lucky" with me since I posted that story. I have done NOTHING but answer emails for the last 3 days. The previous one was a geek who says he lives at the north pole and the next guy I'll answer after you looks like a mass murder (here's his bio). No, really, look at it; I'll wait!


> Being both brilliant and extraordinarily gifted

Flattery is like Jedi mind control: it only affects the stupid people.

And except for MAYBE getting you a cubicle, being "brilliant and extraordinarily gifted" is worth absolutely nothing. Being a thieving, cheating, evil liar like everyone I've ever met, THAT'S the road to $ucce$$!


> I believe there are a few rare women who are
> true goddess'. Clearly, you are such a rare being...

No, I won't meet you in a motel so you can have me for your very own.

And there's no apostrophe in "goddess'" Jack, unless you're trying to be (pause) POSSESSIVE!


> ...stories about a planet like earth where all power is managed by women

That was ST:TNG episode "Angel One", where the men all had to wear pants that showed their ass


> and humans somehow learn to be as decent to one another as other life forms like plants, trees, and animals...

That was EVERY episode!


> As I write these words, I am re-reading your thoughts.

...and re-rubbing your DICK!


> Millions of us have dreamed forever of finding an erotic woman who loved intense sensations all over her body

...and five hundred thousand of you have written me emails!


>If you are that woman, you are indescribably rare.

I'm so burned-out from answering emails telling me how rare I am that I'm feeling more like "well-done"


> Yes, being "cute" and "smart" brings endless crap into your life from idiots.

idiots like... YOU!


> That is not true for people like me who spend a
> lifetime trying to capture on film or tape or now
> on digital disk the brilliance and challenging
> eroticism of a rare idealistic very strong woman.

...so THIS one wants me to be in his homemade porn. PROBABLY for FREE!


> Your story is such a deep fantasy of so many women but virtually none have lived it

Actually, sadistic gang-rape is mostly a fantasy MEN.

But a lot of women in Brunswick Maryland have it too!


>You write to affect other beings

No, I write because I'm crazy*

*see: this email


> they almost never write back anything positive about you unless it is self serving for them.

...but YOU aren't like that! YOU have the most loving, nurturing, CARING porn studio in all New Jersey!


> Yes, as one old male hermit...

"Hermit" doesn't apply to rich porn producers, Jack


>I would love to hear from you if you ever are in a rare curious mood.

I may be rare but I'm not particularly curious. At least, not about anything which physically exists. But mathematics, though...


> With sincerity,
> Jack

Is your last name "Off", or was that joke worn out by the third grade?

WELL Jack, I have to take a pass on the porn shoot; I don't have any platform shoes or fishnet stockings. But attached is the final version of my story; it might help you get an old-man bone on!

Thanx for writing (really),

== faye