Feed back on first attempt: Tales of Acient Rome

[TG]

Hi, I'm just starting out. Made one disasterous stab at a story, learned my lesson, and tried to improve with Tales of Acient Rome. I was hoping somebody could give me a review so I could find out what I'm doing right and wrong.
---- There wouldn't happen to be any critics in the house?
Someone willing to cut up a newbie, all for educational purposes, of course! Pat on the head would be good too.
Also, question. I've got a new one in the works, and I'd love some feed back on it before I post. (Newbie, here!) How could I get a story up on the forums before it's posted on the site?
Thanks, guys, for the help, TG (thomas_g50)