A bit of an update and a question!!

[sipgirl]

Hi everyone. I am back after a very long absence first due to the death of my 10 year old son in 2004 and more recently due to the Court Proceedings we have been forced to endure through the last 3 years. The man responsible for my sons death (he was killed in a car accident while with his Uncle and cousin and no it wasnt his Uncles fault) has finally been held accountable for what he has done and our court proceedings are finally behind us. The loss and heartbreak though....that will remain forever.
Anyway just a bit of why I have been gone for so long.And a big thanks to those who have welcomed me back so warmly.
Here is the big question that I have. Hubby/DD and I are back into the lifestyle after some time away from it, and it is spectacular. The problem I have is sometimes while scene-ing he will demand I look at him or look at myself in the mirror...I absolutely HATE this!! I do it of course but HATE it. Im wondering if anyone can share some insight into why this may be? Anyone else feel this way? Maybe its as simple as not being visually stimulated? I dunno I just think its odd.

[jeanne]

Maybe it's just too revealing for you right now - I struggle with looking my husband in the eye when we play, it feels like he sees all the way into me.
(I've had similar experiences as you - PM me if you'd like to talk)

[John56{vg}]

I don't know if this is insightful or not. But your post reminded of this. I had a relationship with a sub that had a body image problem. She was beautiful, but she couldn't see it. One time when we were playing I told her to say, "I'm beautiful." As soon as she did, her breath got heavy and she got very wet. Since I seemed to hit a nerve, I made her say it again and again with more and more confidence and louder. She had an intense orgasm and we had a great night.

As we were cuddling afterward and chatting, I whispered to her, "say, 'i'm beautiful,' because you are." She looked at me, almost frightened and said "I can't."

And I am so sorry about your loss, but glad youa re back in the forums.

John

[nk_lion]

First of all, my deepest condolences. I wish I had something uplifting and inspirational to say, but I don't; if you want to ever vent or something, I'll be here.

About you're eye contact thing, perhaps more details on your side. What makes you not want to look at yourself in the mirror or at your master's eyes? Is it because you feel intimidated, or do you feel as if you aren't special enough to look at someone eye to eye, or something else entirely?
I know you asked us this question, and I just threw it back at you, I'm just curious in what your mind's first reaction to this situation is.

[sipgirl]

Well let me just say this. I am an attractive woman, apparently I must be because everyone tells me so. My problem is that I HATE my body!!I am never skinny ehough, never tan enough, boobs arent big enough/perky enough etc....so maybe that has something to do with it!? I am also extremely dominant in our every day life I am the "go to girl" for everyone...family, friends, community organizations ( we have a Memorial Fund in honor of our son so I spend a great deal of time doing community outreach stuff).
I am outgoing and confident as long as I am not stark naked on my knees...LOL!!!Put me in a pair of perfectly fitting jeans and I'll walk in like I own the place...make me get naked...thats another story. I dunno I dont think it is just a body image issue though because even when I am clothed or partially clothed I dont want to look at him when we are in that role.
Anyway Im hoping for some more insight...the stuff Ive gotten so far is great! Thanks guys!!

[slave_juice]

hey sipgirl...

firstly, i am sorry about your terrible loss and i am pleased that you are finally able to get back into your life and pursue your interests with your hubby, its nice to see people living again despite such a terrible tragedy... kudos to both of you!!!

about the eye contact thing... its not you or your body that you are reluctant to face... its probably your masochism or submissiveness that is hard to look straight in the eye...especially cuz its not how you identify with yourself generally, (u mentioned that you have a dommish disposition outside of play) u say that you only have trouble with eye contact or the mirror when you are role playing... making eye contact with him as well as looking in the mirror will help you embrace it... the more u look the more comfortable you will become (assuming that u dont have other unresolved issues about D/s) of course i could be totally wrong, but i know i get weirded out by looking at myself in play, i am new and have zero submissiveness outside of play and you are sort of new in the sense that youve been gone for a while... make any sense? if not, its cuz its the middle of the night... lol

good luck... welcome... hugs... looking forward to seeing you in chat, now that its back up YAAAAAAAAYYYY... THANK U STAFF!!

[_ID_]

your feeling scrutinized, inspected. Perhaps when in the Ds role part of it. The inspection thing is tugging at your confidence. Try concentrating on the trust in him. You trust him enough to submit. Trust him enough to believe him when he says you are pretty.

[moptop]

sipgirl, I am very sorry for the loss you and your family have suffered - continue to suffer - but I am glad you are starting to be able to put it behind you (I don't mean forget it, but just that it is no longer ruling your life).

Re the mirror thing - yeah, I have hated that mirror. I have to exercise in front of it every day, and when we are together, I must always be in front of the mirror or watching myself on cam. At first it was too unbearable, I couldn't understand why I was doing it (I'm still not entirely sure!), but I have gradually got used to it. I am used to seeing my body now, and I no longer spend ALL my time noticing what I consider to be my physical faults. I am trying to learn to see myself as he sees me - and he obviously finds it attractive and exciting. Also, because I exercise in front of it, it has now become a tool for me. It has stopped being something that I must confront.

I think I would find it difficult to do if he were physically in the room with me, if I could see him watching me watching myself... that would be psychologically hard, and there are various reasons that I can think of. One is, shame. I think I would be ashamed to be as open with myself, at ease with myself, in front of him, as I am with myself. I can forget myself when I'm on my own, but it is hard to do when he's there. Yes, the feeling of his scrutiny causes a sense of shame - all squirmy, right? But I am sure I would find it easier to do now that I am used to the mirror (or cam view) on my own.

Maybe trying something like that would help you gradually to accept the mirror, too. As a useful tool, even if not a friend.

As far as eye contact goes, I actually crave it, and find I spend too much time being blind-folded.

[hispleasure]

Nice to meet you Sipgirl, and welcome back. I am newish here and find this place warm and inviting!

Let me start by saying that my deepest sympathies go out to you. I believe that is the single most painful loss a mother or parent could have. It is my biggest fear. I just cannot imagine the pain...

As far as the mirror...intresting...I have that same relationship with it. I am "dommish" in my life...active community parent, nurse, wife, homemaker, mom of 3. I am petite, know I have striking eyes (as I've been told many, many times by strangers) I have a cutish petite figure (boobs could be bigger, I am self confident and secure, but it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable seeing myself in the mirror when HE makes me look at myself and says that I am beautiful. I think part of it is the vulnerability at those times that I feel..always safe..but still vulnerable, unsure, less confident.

Eye contact..thats another story...I crave it, and have been reprimended for looking at Him on several occations when he's instructed me to look straight ahead. Its diffiecult for me to not make eye contact!

Hispleasure

[Rhabbi]

Welocme back sip girl.

My deepest condolances about your loss.

The eyecontact thing seems to be a combination of body image and a reluctance to accept your submissiveness. Surrender is hard to accept, and eye contact reinforces this. Just keep working at it, and it will happen.

[isabeau6]

Hi everyone. I am back after a very long absence first due to the death of my 10 year old son in 2004 and more recently due to the Court Proceedings we have been forced to endure through the last 3 years. The man responsible for my sons death (he was killed in a car accident while with his Uncle and cousin and no it wasnt his Uncles fault) has finally been held accountable for what he has done and our court proceedings are finally behind us. The loss and heartbreak though....that will remain forever.
Anyway just a bit of why I have been gone for so long.And a big thanks to those who have welcomed me back so warmly.
Here is the big question that I have. Hubby/DD and I are back into the lifestyle after some time away from it, and it is spectacular. The problem I have is sometimes while scene-ing he will demand I look at him or look at myself in the mirror...I absolutely HATE this!! I do it of course but HATE it. Im wondering if anyone can share some insight into why this may be? Anyone else feel this way? Maybe its as simple as not being visually stimulated? I dunno I just think its odd.

hmm first of all damn what an ordeal for you..i'm so horribly sorry that happened to you...and then the court proceedings...yes you will never get over the loss and hearbreak...but it will get a bit easier to bear as time goes on..

ok i don't like to look in the mirror anytime..it might be low self esteem or else a feeling of uncomfortableness looking at yourself during a scening...i've never tried that so i can't really help you out except to say hmm i think looking at him woulld be easier.. sorry i couldn't be any more help..i just saw this thread and had to respond to your agonizing ordeals..feel free to pm me anytime..

[usafmedic22]

The problem I have is sometimes while scene-ing he will demand I look at him or look at myself in the mirror...I absolutely HATE this!! I do it of course but HATE it. Im wondering if anyone can share some insight into why this may be? Anyone else feel this way? Maybe its as simple as not being visually stimulated? I dunno I just think its odd.

This sounds very familiar to me....I am the exact same way. To me, it feels like I'm under scrutiny, and it scares the heck out of me to think that He will one of these days see what I see, and leave me. So I really don't think it's odd for you to feel that way, or we're both odd...that's possible too lol.

Have you talked to him about it? Tell him how it makes you feel, and see if he can offer you any insight into it since he is probably the one that knows you best. That's one thing that I'm gradually learning, that I have nothing to hide from my Sir. It's intimidating to talk to him, and admit the things that scare me or worry me, but afterwards I feel much better for having let Him know.

Anyway, I think I'm rambling...so I'm going to shut up now...

[angelic.zest]

welcome back!
My deepest condolances about your loss