[rant] OMG parents!

[Hime]

So, I try not to give out too much personal information here, but for the sake of the story it's important to note that I am in my early 20s, recently graduated from college and found a job, and just got married. My husband and I live near my family and visit them frequently. ANYWAY...

This past Saturday my husband/Master and I had just gotten back from our honeymoon, and we wanted to go out shopping with my brother and his fiancee, who are good friends of ours. My brother still lives with Mom and Dad, so we stopped by their house to pick him up. When I came in, my dad said "are you wearing a collar?" I said, "um, yeah." I was wearing a pretty standard punk-ish outfit for me -- jeans, concert T, black eye makeup, and my collar.

When we got back from shopping, D. and I stopped by for a while to chat with my family. When my mom saw me, she said "What are you wearing on your neck?" I said "It's a choker." A few minutes later, my dad literally came up behind me when I was sitting on the couch, took my collar off my neck, and put it in my purse. Cue about an hour of arguing with both parents about whether it was "inconsiderate" of me in the first place to wear something that I should have known would be "disturbing" to them. WTF? For the record, this is not like some crazy posture collar with five giant O-rings. It's a relatively simple, slender black leather band with a little chain hanging slightly below it. I checked with a non-lifestyle friend later to make sure it wasn't "disturbing" to other people, and he said, "what, your pretty little neck thing?"

Meanwhile, of course D was completely seething at the whole situation, and my brother, who has bought WAY gnarlier-looking collars for not one but two of his girlfriends, of course had to take the parents' side and say that I "must be being deliberately obtuse" for not understanding why people were upset by something that honestly hasn't been a shocking fashion statement since the Sex Pistols. Are they shocked by pink hair, too? What about safety pins? And on what planet is it ok to respond to someone wearing something you don't like by physically removing it from their body?

[gloombunny]

Jesus Allah Buddha. Do they think you're five years old or something? That's absolutely appalling.

[_ID_]

I have parents that are a pain in the rear too. Gotta hate that. So you kinda have two choices. Buy and wear a lockable collar, and tell them to kiss off. Or remove the collar when around them.

[usafmedic22]

OOH!!! The locking collar thing is a really really good idea in my opinion. But that's just me....I love my parents, but i'd be dmnd if I'd let them physically take something off of me. I don't think so!!
*hugs* anyway...parents can be super annoying.
medic

[nk_lion]

Lol, I can relate to that, my parents as much as I love them are too interfering with certain things in my life.

Somewhere on some parents board there must be a reverse thread: OMG children - They never dress well, display themselves in the most vulgar manner, yaddi yaddi yadda...

[jeanne]

Somewhere on some parents board there must be a reverse thread: OMG children - They never dress well, display themselves in the most vulgar manner, yaddi yaddi yadda...

We don't need a reverse thread - every day is "OMG children..."

[Rhabbi]

lol

Perspective of a few years and parents dead.

Yes, your father was wrong to do what he did. He probably knows it in fact. But try talking to him alone and see if he will tell you why he did it. If you know that it might make it easier for you to accept that he did. Maybe there is something that he or your mother find offensive about you wearing a collar.

I am not going to excuse it, but I do know that if you let this tear apart you and your parents relationship, you will regret it eventually. Or, worse yet, they will. Try to see why and it is easier to accept the what.

[nk_lion]

lol

Perspective of a few years and parents dead.

Yes, your father was wrong to do what he did. He probably knows it in fact. But try talking to him alone and see if he will tell you why he did it. If you know that it might make it easier for you to accept that he did. Maybe there is something that he or your mother find offensive about you wearing a collar.

I am not going to excuse it, but I do know that if you let this tear apart you and your parents relationship, you will regret it eventually. Or, worse yet, they will. Try to see why and it is easier to accept the what.

I agree with Rhabbi, parents raise their kids, care for them, fix their little cuts and scrapes. And while they sometimes do stuff that is embarrasing and sometimes downright infuriating, remember that in your childhood, like every other child, you may have cause troubles for them keeping them up at nights, etc. So if this collar is really bugging your father, there is no real need to wear it around them if you are just visiting them. I know it has a substantial meaning in your relationship, but it's not worth any bad feelings between you and your father.

[Masters_lilone]

first you should tell your brother to stay out of it because it's between your parents and you and your dad was so wrong for removing your collar. you should tell your parents and your brother that if they can't except that you wear your collar then they should just stay out of your life

[MajesticFae]

I think someone would get beat if that happened to me. How inconsiderate!

[gloombunny]

Whatever you decide to do about this, you should make very clear to your father that grabbing your stuff like that is way over the line, no matter what he thinks about said stuff. Remind him that you're an adult, and that he should be acting like one too. (Seriously, isn't "resolve your problems with someone by talking to them, not by grabbing them" one of the first things we teach kids?)

[Ocean_Soul]

Hime,

There is probably nowhere where protectiveness is more prevalent than in a father’s relationship with his daughter. He may have feelings related to you growing up and getting with a man and *Gasp* having sex. The idea of you wearing it might also bring up some feelings and he may even have an idea of what it might mean and may not like it. His little girl growing up bla bla bla bla.

The argument he used may be a little more innocent than you took it to be. It could have been what he really thought or it could be a cover, an attempt at rationalizing or a off the cuff way of verbalizing the feelings that might have been brought up. It’s not uncommon for this to happen. I wouldn't really take too much offense at him taking it off. It was a bold move that probably had an equally strong mental driving force behind it. Although it was wrong, anyone here will tell you that because we don't know and may never know the true reason for it.

I have a fair amount of experience with me and family bumping head over some issues. Sometimes, after an attempt at reasoning I simply give in, smile, go along with it and enjoy the good relations I have with my family.

[Sir_Russell]

Lol, from the parents point of view either they figured out you are a sub or they equate it with your being like an animal. They may see it as a cry for help. If one of my kids wore a collar near me they would be given good advice and allowed to be themselves. Course being a Dom my kids wouldn't give me the satisfaction of being in my lifestyle. Shame one is a natural Dom.

[moptop]

I am glad to see Ocean Soul's post. My immediate reaction to this was (despite thinking that he did the wrong thing) - he's jealous. His little girl is growing up, going with another man, and what's more she is advertising her belonging to him. He may not have been able to vocalise those thoughts, but I'm sure they were there. He must have some awareness of what the collar stands for, although not enough; and he is also frightened for you.

I understand that the initial reaction would be incredible indignation - but it may be worth trying to see it from his viewpoint. Talking to him would be good, if it's possible. There may be too much emotion there, though.

My answer would be a compromise: have your husband buy you a pretty necklace that you can wear as a collar, that is not obviously one. Lockable would be good. You can then wear that all the time as your symbol of belonging, and your parents would be able to cope with it.

[Ocean_Soul]

Hehe, looks like a few of us think he might have some idea of what that thing around your neck might mean.

The apple doesn't fall far from the tree!

And ty Moptop

[tessa]

My first thought after reading your post, Hime, was, "OMG, NO HE DID NOT!!!" That was the child of my parents talking there.

Then I went into parent mode and thought, "Yeah, I can see why he felt the need to do it."

You are trying to be your own person, living your own life. That's tough for a parent to accept even when it's what we spend our life as parents doing- teaching our children to grow up and live the great life for themselves.

Parents...sheesh!

I'm with moptop and Ocean Soul...I think he knows just exactly what that collar means and he's having a bit of difficulty accepting it, whether he agrees with the lifestyle or not. It's the whole, "I don't want to know what is going on behind that bedroom door!" That stands true for parents as well as the child.

I hope this smooths out for you. Family "issues" are never any fun.

tessa

[Sir_Russell]

Well I am old fashion and agree that a public collar should be difficult to tell that is what it is. morgan has a lovely bracelet that she wear as hers or the Tweety wrist watch. Soon I will buy her a anklet also. At any given time she has 2 to 3 collars on

[gloombunny]

Y'all know it's not that rare for a girl of Hime's and my generation and fashion tastes to wear a collar just 'cuz she likes the look, right? D/s is hardly the only reason for them anymore.

[Widget]

I feel your dad was in the wrong the way he handled it. The problem is that he is your father and I know you don't want to cause a huge issue about it. As it has been pointed out a collar like what you described is not that an uncommon thing to be worn, bdsm or not. With your outfit hardly out of place.

Did your dad not like non conservitive clothing ever? I bet he had some idea what else it may mean as well. In the interest of family peace having a small privite chat with Dad about personal space and respect may be called for. I would not wear that again after depending on his reaction to the conversation. Sigh parents. My mom learned a long time ago not to ask me if she did not want to know the answer. The response she got once from her telling me she heard me saying ow in the bedroom on night and seeing a bruise on my thigh was more than she could get her head around..she just does not ask hahaha...

[Hime]

Responding to NatalieD -- yeah, I had a collar that I wore as a fashion accessory before I even knew what BDSM was. If I see someone wearing a collar with a relatively punky outfit, I don't assume that they're into BDSM, just that they're goth or punk. Now, if I saw someone wearing it with a lavender twinset I might think twice.

Hell, I wish some of the guys I meet at clubs would assume that it meant something. Like, I dunno, maybe TAKEN?!

As to whether my parents know anything about what it means, my mom did say something like "It's ok, we know you're not *really* a dominatrix or anything." Which doesn't exactly sound well-informed.

[fetishdj]

Hell, I wish some of the guys I meet at clubs would assume that it meant something. Like, I dunno, maybe TAKEN?!

LOL well, a wedding ring should do that job equally well but I know many men who are blind to them (whereas women can detect them even when you are wearing gloves over it ) so even men who are aware of what it means may not realise it is there simply because they are men and there is no known cure...

I wouldn't let what your father did bother you too much. I think it is partly because he is seeing you as leaving him now that you are married and it is hard for him. He will do things like this for a short while then things should settle down a bit once he gets used to the idea of you being married. He was wrong to do it but he may not realise that he was wrong.

[Nixxi_Chaos]

O_o Geez..I'm lucky, lol..My parents stopped caring how I looked a looong time ago, and I'm only 19, heh. Hell, when I shaved the sides of my head, my dad's only comment was "Clean out the sink, and don't get frostbite on your baldness".

Sounds a bit like my girlfriend's mom, though, she used to bitch about *EVERYTHING* my girl did/wore/said/thought.