Mishka's Assignment 1

[Mishka]

(this is the 3rd part of a story)
Part One
Part Two



“Get up you lazy ass!”

Her warm, down covers were flung off and Monica groggily opened her eyes, stretched, and looked up at her best friend. Dominant Maddie, who doesn’t take shit from her sub or anyone else’s, felt the need to not let her mope, which included not sleeping in.

“You know,” Maddie said behind a yawn, “I can’t wait for Helen to get back, that way you can boss her around instead.” She flashed Maddie her cutest smile and reluctantly slid on her fluffy bunny slippers.

She padded into the kitchen and served Maddie a hot cup of coffee and then herself. Old habits die hard, she thought. Maddie was used to being served and Monica was used to serving. It just naturally carried over into their friendship when Carl and Helen were not around.

“So. Gonna call him today?”

“I slept very well last night, thank you. Do you have any special plans for the day?” Yes, her response was sarcastic but trying to work out her future with the man she loved over her first cup of coffee would probably prove to be unproductive.

“Smart ass. Don’t you usually get a spanking for that kind of sass?” she said with a mouthful of toast.

“Actually Carl has always appreciated my sense of humor. As for the spankings,” she paused, “I don’t want to talk about it.”

Maddie plopped her toast back onto her plate and got up for a second cup of coffee. “You haven’t called him in two weeks. He’s worried sick.”

Her eyes shot up to her friend. “How would you know if he’s worried sick?”

“I just, well, I just…know Carl is all. Of course he’d be worried,” she turned her back on Monica.

“When did you talk to him?”

“Friday night,” Her shoulders slumped with her confession, “he was hoping you would come home over the weekend, just to talk.” Monica stared into her coffee cup.

“Come on.” Maddie slapped the table with her hand and sat down. Her intense look stared Monica’s focus off of her coffee and into her eyes. “You know you don’t want to live without him. You know damn well this can work.”

Monica set her cup down and went back to her bedroom to dress. Sundays were usually spent with Carl, reading the funny papers, walks into town or out for a hike in the woods. Sometimes lazily reading a good book, even reading out loud to each other if they both liked it.

The shirt she put on was a gift from him, more like a replacement. She had worn one of her favorite blouses out to dinner and, by accident, he spilled his Bloody Mary all over her. Naturally, it was a thin, white blouse and was ruined on the spot. He pulled her straight from the restaurant and into a quaint little shop that smelled like lavender and sold adorable purple fairy statues. The choices of blouses, scarves and gypsy skirts were scattered amongst the displays of crystals, incense, and books that told you about your guardian angel or Celtic mythology.

She loved it when he picked out her clothes, she felt like a doll, what she wore was certain to please him. His choice was the palest purple, almost white, with small purple flowers embroidered along the low, curved collar. He had held it up to her and playfully stroked her hair over it. “Yes, this would look perfect on you.” She stroked the sleeves of the blouse now; content to spend time in the most pleasant memory she had had since leaving.

It wasn’t buying the shirt that made it special, it was how he cared for her and she made him smile. She would do anything to see him smile. She picked up the phone next to her bed, and called home, just to talk.
“Hi Carl. Yes, I’m fine. You?”

[tessa]

Mishka's here!!!! Mishka's here!!!!!!

~grabs her and dances all about...happy subbie dance proper~

Well, not proper at all, seeing as I grabbed that fine ass!

Mishka's here!!!!!! Woohoo!!

Oh yeah, I loved your story (all three parts)! But you know I love your stories.

Mishka's here!!!!!!!!!!!

I'll return her soon, Ms. Ruby. Promise!

~dances off with her, proper be damned~

[Mishka]

Um. Ruby? Was it that bad?

Rhabbi has encouraged me to simply write a new assignment about a flock of cauliflower sheep in search of raw vegetables...in hopes that a different genre might be a better fit.

Hope all is well with you and yours.

[Satan_Klaus]

Ruby told me that she would be away for some time and if you check her profile you will see her message: "Offline until September 16.". (But if you look closely, you will find that she is lying, she was online just 3 days ago)

Lazy, girl needs a and a good mouth-soaping for fibbing.

Honestly, though, it sounded like she was quite busy with work. She is probably just keeping in touch with her close online friends. We have to understand that she is a volunteer and that her time is limited.

So don't worry about the quality of your story.

Satan_Klaus

[Mishka]

I was just joking around.

What do you think of the cauliflower story, though?

[tessa]

Oh my! A cauliflower sheep story! ~fans self~ And raw vegetables...way hot, Mishka-licious. Mmmm....

[Ruby]

I'm thinking that we should all be careful what we wish for. Hmmmm.....

Yes, naughty girl me, was checking in to catch up on PMs and a few housekeeping items before taking out the red pen and seeing what you've come up with while I've been away.

Mishka,

You make the dialog flow so easily between these two ladies. Reading your writing is a pleasure, as there are so few spelling or grammar mistakes, mostly editing choices that could be made.

For example, if I went through this with my red pen, I'd mark all the places where a comma could have been used.

There are also some interesting choices made to break up the dialog with descriptions.

When you are writing, do you think about these choice or just go for it?

Looking back at it again, what choices do you think you'd make differently for a quick editing refresh?

Interested in your thoughts,

Ruby

[Mishka]

Thanks Ruby, I've been looking forward to your feedback.

There are also some interesting choices made to break up the dialog with descriptions.

When I hear "interesting" (especially in the context of my meals/dinners) that usually means "don't make it again".

“Friday night,” Her shoulders slumped with her confession, “he was hoping you would come home over the weekend, just to talk.”

I'd put "Her shoulders slumped with her confession," before the speaking.

“Come on.” Maddie slapped the table with her hand and sat down. Her intense look stared Monica’s focus off of her coffee and into her eyes. “You know you don’t want to live without him. You know damn well this can work.”

In my mind, if I'm Maddie, I feel the slap on the table at the same time saying "Come on." and sitting down. If I'm Monica, that is what I see and hear. In that order. Monica looks at her cup avoiding Maddie. Her friend stares at her so intently Monica looks up. When she catches her friend's eyes, she finishes "You know you don't want to live without him...etc."

I remember that part being difficult to write, because I wanted the action and speaking to be easy to picture in the reader's mind. I wrote it from the perspective of watching a play.

[Ruby]

When I hear "interesting" (especially in the context of my meals/dinners) that usually means "don't make it again".

Perhaps I should have used the word, bold. I liked how you mixed up the dialog and the action. The punctuation is what caught me off guard as well as trying to figure out who was speaking to whom.

I'd put "Her shoulders slumped with her confession," before the speaking.

I would change it to this:

“Friday night,” Monica said. Her shoulders slumped with her confession as she stared into her coffee cup. “He was hoping you would come home over the weekend, just to talk.”

Dialog, action, then dialog. This lets us know it's all one person speaking and doing the action. Also, it helps the reader if we name the character for the first use in a paragraph - instead of a her or she - and not later on. By calling out Monica in the last line, it makes us think that perhaps Monica wasn't the one speaking.

In my mind, if I'm Maddie, I feel the slap on the table at the same time saying "Come on." and sitting down. If I'm Monica, that is what I see and hear. In that order. Monica looks at her cup avoiding Maddie. Her friend stares at her so intently Monica looks up. When she catches her friend's eyes, she finishes "You know you don't want to live without him...etc."

Ah, yes, I can see where you are headed with this.
And, it's a bit tricky when speaking of two females, cause we want to make sure were know who is doing what. In this case, it's okay to use their names more often than you would in a male/female scene.

Here's another way to write this:

“Friday night,” said Monica. Her shoulders slumped with her confession. “He was hoping you would come home over the weekend, just to talk.”

“Come on," said Maddie, slapping the table with her hand. Monica just stared into her coffee cup. Maddie sat down. Her intense look took Monica’s focus off - no of - her coffee and into Maddie's eyes. “You know," Maddie said, "you don’t want to live without him. You know damn well this can work.”

I remember that part being difficult to write, because I wanted the action and speaking to be easy to picture in the reader's mind. I wrote it from the perspective of watching a play.

* nodding my head *

That makes sense.

Here's a confusing line. It's not confusing because of the action, but because of the name used.

“You know,” Maddie said behind a yawn, “I can’t wait for Helen to get back, that way you can boss her around instead.” She flashed Maddie her cutest smile and reluctantly slid on her fluffy bunny slippers.

Is Maddie flashing a smile or Monica? If it's Monica, then a new paragraph should be used and Monica's name should be used at the start of the paragraph. If it's Maddie, then we need to change the name so the right person receives that smile.

I'd like to see you put your editor's hat on, and refresh this chapter. Ask yourself:

Who is speaking?
Who is performing the action?
Is this clear?

For example, think about this line:

“Smart ass. Don’t you usually get a spanking for that kind of sass?” she said with a mouthful of toast.

Who is she? And is she saying or asking?

“Smart ass. Don’t you usually get a spanking for that kind of sass?” "insert name" asked with a mouthful of toast.

Have fun with it and see how much better you can make this scene.

Ruby

[Mishka]

Quote:
“You know,” Maddie said behind a yawn, “I can’t wait for Helen to get back, that way you can boss her around instead.” She flashed Maddie her cutest smile and reluctantly slid on her fluffy bunny slippers.

Is Maddie flashing a smile or Monica? If it's Monica, then a new paragraph should be used and Monica's name should be used at the start of the paragraph. If it's Maddie, then we need to change the name so the right person receives that smile.

Ok, too funny. I mixed up my own characters. "You know," Monica said behind a yawn....

That's a touch confusing when the author, herself, is confused.

Ok. Donning editor cap. Thanks for the input Ruby.