My BDSM Life - It has not yet started. Will it ever?

[naughtyswiss]

Kinks, fetishes? That's what it reads somewhere here. This is really the question I cannot answer... But it is time to share some of my thoughts as I cannot hold back keeping things to myself.

For years and years I have been fantasizing about BDSM, being submissive, being dominant, ... Do I like pain? What am I looking for?

I have been reading about these subjects, visited this site so many times. I am getting terribly excited when these thoughts come to my mind - and they come to my mind rather often. Once a day? No, rather once every 30 minutes.

Sharing these thoughts? Being "non-normal", whatever this means... A difficult thing that I am able to "do" IRL. I am a bit over 35, consider myself normal and that's nothing I "could" do. Stupid, isn't it? Actually it hurts somehow as I am not willing/able to hold back on this anymore as I think I am missing part of my live. Anyone there who understands what I mean?

Twice, I have - somehow - shared my desires with a female friend, twice they responded quit open, twice I ended up naked pretty fast in front of them. What followed excited me, though the moment passed quickly and for other reasons I lost contact with them. When I think back of the time I shared especially with one of them, I have a huge smile on my face, my heart gets a warm sensation and I am getting excited again. Even though it has been years since that particular experience, I can still recall every moment of that time. I enjoyed serving her so much, and especially .... but that's another story... So, tell me, how has it been with you? Was being they way you are "normal" right from the beginning... and how have you approached "your situation"?

[lily27]

Welcome to the site, and I hope you find what you are looking for here.

I always consider BDSM to be more of a journey than anything else. You don't just wake up one day, declare yourself a Dom/sub/switch, and everything changes. There is lots to learn, lots to experience, and you can't do everything in one day.

For me, my journey started nearly three years ago now. It began entirely online, first with reading pretty much everything I could get my hands on, making friends, and eventually an online relationship. After about a year and a half the little voice in my head that kept saying "more!" began to get louder and louder. I wanted, needed, to venture out in the "real world". I discussed it with my o/l Dom and we decided to part ways as friends so that I could pursue a real life relationship.

I posted a profile on a BDSM dating site, and after several hundred illegible replies, and one false start I met my current Master. We have been together for over a year now, and we have "everything".... a complete vanilla relationship, and a complete BDSM one as well.

So that is my journey, in a nutshell. For me, it couldn't have happened any other way... but everyone finds their own paths. And I still continue to learn and grow every day. It took me a while to accept the submissive side of myself, but I think I have finally come to a place where the different "sides" of me can exist together with some harmony.

Good luck in finding your own way. Don't rush things, learn everything you can, and get rid of any preconceived notions you have about BDSM. It doesn't have to be "all or nothing" and just take the time to figure out what works for you.

[naughtyswiss]

thanks a lot for your reply... it is indeed a journey, like a pilgrimage: some day you know it is about time to start and you do not know where the way will lead you to or if it will lead you anywhere.

like you, i have read a lot of things, i am having my fantasies can totally turn me nuts and am so curious to find out, what my real desires are in real live. i am afraid of myself, my feelings and what i could/might find. feeling afraid to meet someone irl, so how is it when you meet someone online? i mean, i have been looking for a "normal" relationship online and i still recall how this works, but how does a BDSM relationship online wok, what to expect? and how to start? i somehow "need" someone to exchange my views with, someone helping me to find out about my desires and wished - finally, to find myself. how did you start?

and then there is the cultural difference. i assume you are in the US. i am in switzerland. even though our culture is open and i am sure there are equally many BDSM people percentage-wise here, it is still uncommon.

i am writing this, my heartbeat is wy above normal... it's getting late here and i wonder how i will catch some sleep tonight.

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

For me, my own journey began when I was a teenager. I knew that I was kinky then and that I wanted a kinky relationship with a man who would be my Dom. All the erotica that I read focused on BDSM and then when I began to write my own in my 20s that's what I focused on. However, when I married the first time at the age of 26 I married a vanilla man. I had no idea how to find a Dom anyway. And this was long before the Internet and search engines and websites. The marriage lasted 10 years. When I divorced I decided that my next relationship would be a BDSM one.

I went online for the first time in 1998, at the age of 37. I quickly discovered the online BDSM communities and chat rooms and found myself some Doms for online play, though that never completely satisfied me. I wanted someone for real. I wanted to feel that collar around my neck and feel the lashes of the whip across my bare skin and not just imagine what it must be like. By the end of the year I had met my Master online. W/we chatted online for a year and finally met IRL in December 1999. So it took me until I was almost 40 before I finally got what I wanted.

I agree with lily that BDSM is indeed a journey. And it is one that does not end. I have now known Master for almost 10 years and W/we are always learning and growing and changing on this journey together.

Being online is different from real life, of course. The way Master and I did it was to interact in the chat room W/we met in. W/we cybered together, which, of course, is nothling like real life, but it's better than nothing. I know that some couples use voice chat and web cams in place of being together in person, but when Master and I first met, there was neither VC nor webcams in chat. And by the time they did become popular Master and I were already together IRL. Master would give me tasks to complete and I would have to tell Him about them. One thing about being online you can get emotionally involved very quickly with the other person. It sounds crazy that that can happen, but believe me, it is very true. My first online Master and I had a lot of problems and I would often sit in front of my computer screen with tears running down my face because of it. And I have worn the dreaded velcro collar before and that is no fun at all. It can really hurt when you find out the truth about the person who "collared" you online.

I thank the Goddess, though, that the Internet exists. Without it, I would have enver met my Master and I wouldn't be happy like I am today.

[lily27]

I am actually in Canada. There are a number of people here from various parts of Europe, so hopefully they will stop by this thread eventually.

I met my o/l Dom here, in the chatroom. We never met in real life as geography was a serious barrier. I met my Master (who I live with) on an online dating site geared specifically towards BDSM. You post a profile, read other people's, and email who is interesting. We clicked really fast, and met in person a couple of days later. There are a number of threads on here that discuss safety when meeting in real life, which are a worthwhile read if you consider doing this.

I don't know what your local scene is life, but there are always local munches and groups as well. Usually a Google search will turn these up.

[gemmy]

....Actually it hurts somehow as I am not willing/able to hold back on this anymore as I think I am missing part of my live. Anyone there who understands what I mean?

Absolutely!!

I read for years about it, fantasized about, talked about it in my vanilla relationships then finally it burst out of me with a deep need to finally have it.

I've now been two years actively seeking and trying to get involved in the lifestyle - in r/t my toes are in the water but that's about as far as I've gotten as yet. It all takes time and will come when it's right for me, this I finally do know. I've put myself in the mix and hope someone else comes along to take me out sometime

In the meantime, talking, learning, growing is all the name of the game!