How?

[epiphany]

How do people find a BDSM relationship? Do a lot of people look? Does it just kind of happen by chance? Do a lot of people just do it online. I'm just curious because no guy I've dated has just happened to be a Dom, so please share your stories.

[fetishdj]

I don't see it as any different to a vanilla relationship save that you tend to be more circumspect about what you want. In answer to the question - yes to all of them. I think online is one way because you can be more open about what you want.

A good way to find someone is to get involved in the local scene - go to a munch and meet people there. At the very least you start off the whole 'dating process' with the knowledge that you are meeting people who are already involved in the scene and therefore already a sub/switch/Dom.

I have also learnt that those in the alternative scenes (rock/goth/metal etc) are more likely to be at least interested in BDSM in a perpheral way if not already involved so again the chances increase of meeting someone who is interested.

However, overall there is a lack of good dom/mes and an excess of subs of both genders so the competition is tight...

[Utburd]

After a rather vanilla relationship (I had discovered I was a Dom before this) with a girl I really liked (well realistically went beyond liking) and then successfully drove myself nuts during the relationship thinking I was a bad person for being 'out of sorts' (not bored... more frustrated I guess) by a perfectly hot vanilla sex life. I tried talking to her... but our kinks just didnt match up, I then broke up with her and she thought I was saying I was bored of the sex, when nothing could have been further from the truth!

After that, I started using a different technique from the usual boy meets girl, although I still used this bit.

I was already goth/rocker inclined, and had a soft spot for ladies of those persuasions (as fetishdj says). But I didnt get on at local munch, I didnt like the atmosphere.

step 1 boy meets girl... this step is important... if you dont like them no point in forcing it just cus they have the right kinks. no fumbles... be restrained (thats odd coming from a Dom)

step 2 get to know them, go shopping with them, see how open they are to your suggestions, eg, telling them to try something on, ordering for them in resturant, doing something you ask them to. but remember at this stage you are just good friends. if reactions seem favourable.

step 3 have a chat with them and see if theyre interested in you, before the conversation finishes mention that you have special interests... I usually say I'm a dom and then mention some of the things I like, nothing too explicit or scary, and just see how they react if theyre into it, its good if theyre not its a good time to get out, and hell you just got yourself a new friend.

I was really lucky with a bit of luck, a natural attraction for subbies and using this sort of technique I managed to meet 3 subbies I really liked, and 1 of them is now my long term partner.

For a subby looking for a dom, I guess some of it would need turning round, I assume you could test a potentials responses to you doing things for them. I dont have much experience in that field.

hope that maybe helps a bit sorry its so long.

[SirTimothyk]

I agree with fetishdj. munches are part of groups in your area. there are yahoo groups that are bdsm oriented. email me for more info. also there are websites that are more dating oriented than this one.

[Wyked Bytch]

a few good places to look for bdsm relationships are: local bdsm group munches and meet and greets ( can often find bdsm groups via yahoo groups per your city or a city close to you), through sites like Collerme.com disgression is needed, do not always take people at their typed word, go slow and when it comes down to actual meeting be smart and do it in a public place with a few safe calls for back up.another interesting place is craigslist ( again per your city and state) but the same safety issues apply....hope this helps a bit Ms. Wyked

[Odysseus]

local munchies.... yes.. doable..

online places... cavet emptor... people are not who they say they are.... (but where is that NOT the place)...

the thing is.. if you are serious..... you will find the motivation to look and search and..find..


-Odysseus

[sisterhoney61 {RW}]

I've always known that I was kinky and submissive, but I ended up being trapped in a vanilla marriage for 10 years. After my divorce I decided to actively look for a Dom. However, I was clueless as to how to go about doing that and since I lived in the Bible Belt, I didn't think that it would easy to find munches or clubs or dungeons in my area. I started looking online and began reading the various websites on BDSM and went into various chatrooms, where I began to meet others in the lifestyle. I do agree with Odysseus in that people are not always who they say they are online and I got my heart broken a couple of times. But I am very stubborn and determined and I wasn't going to let a few jerks stand in the way of finding the right Dom for me. And then I found Him and W/we have now been together IRL for almost nine years.

It isn't easy to find the right person, in either a vanilla or a BDSM relationship. But it's not an impossible task.

[Shwenn]

I've always known that I was kinky and submissive, but I ended up being trapped in a vanilla marriage for 10 years. After my divorce I decided to actively look for a Dom. However, I was clueless as to how to go about doing that and since I lived in the Bible Belt, I didn't think that it would easy to find munches or clubs or dungeons in my area. I started looking online and began reading the various websites on BDSM and went into various chatrooms, where I began to meet others in the lifestyle. I do agree with Odysseus in that people are not always who they say they are online and I got my heart broken a couple of times. But I am very stubborn and determined and I wasn't going to let a few jerks stand in the way of finding the right Dom for me. And then I found Him and W/we have now been together IRL for almost nine years.

It isn't easy to find the right person, in either a vanilla or a BDSM relationship. But it's not an impossible task.

Did you try to get your ex-husband to indulge your kink? I'm with a vanilla guy and I'm really trying but it's slooooooooooooooow.

[fetishdj]

With regards to online people not being who they claim to be... this is sadly often true. There are many excellent articles out there on spotting the danger signals but the best way to uncover someone it to actually meet them and this is where a munch becomes important. You see, you should never agree to meet someone alone or in a non public place (at least not the first time) and a munch is therefore an ideal place to meet someone for the first time and get those important real life first impressions.

You can, of course, arrange something outside a munch - meet them in a public place with you having a friend or two nearby and a call back arranged for your safety. Either travel to the place for the meeting with a conspicuous friend with you and/or arrange to meet at a place where you commonly frequent - a bar, cafe or whatever where you are well known by the staff and clientele.

And of course basic safety protocol says you should never play on the first date and most sensible scene people will understand this if you tell them so.

As for SisterHoney's situation, I don't think this is unique to the bible belt though I think it is more pronounced there. There are relatively few scene people who are 'out'. You have a greater chance of finding someone publically out in large urban areas but even then a lot of them will be hidden. Ours is not a very public lifestyle. On the internet you can be more open because issues of confidentiality and identity are less prominent (at least perceptually so, whether they are or not is another issue...). So, on the internet you can find out information like 'is there a munch near you?' when you normally would not be able to find this out at all as they hardly advertise in the local papers.

So, I would say that the internet is more useful in this regard for finding out if there is a scene local to you and where to find it rather than actually finding a partner.

[lily27]

BDSM dating sites can work, but you have to have a lot of patience. I met my Master/fiance/father of my child on collarme. We met in person three days after starting to chat online (it just clicked really well, and we didn't mess around).

That being said, I received literally hundreds of replies from everyone from wannabe Doms to the barely literate. So be prepared to kiss a lot of frogs.

If you don't have an active local scene, online may really be the only way to go, unless you want to try your chances at just happening to run into a Dom someplace. Just keep your wits about you, and stay safe. There are all sorts of threads on here about safety precautions when meeting in person.

[Flaming_Redhead]

I met my current Daddy by way of collarme.com as well as the one I dated for a year. I also became a member of a dungeon that is only 45 minutes from me and attended several events while I was looking.

[Diablo]

I meet my pet on an MMO fansite, no not that one, it was sheer luck and we both feel lucky to have met.

[Kuskovian]

Well I can't say much for munches and the like. I have little experience with them.

Every relationship I have ever had eventually turned to some extent into a D/s one by default.

[DowntownAmber]

I guess I'm one of those rare folks that met my Master IRL first. I think a lot of folks want those Domly traits so badly in a relationship they look for that first and later on down the road start to figure out if they can or can not patch a relaionship together with the remainder of their personalities. The advice already given is sound, so all I'll add is simply to remember we are more than just Doms and subs, and thus have to fit together in the other more mundane ways as well...

[fetishdj]

Good point.... yiu have to look for more than the Dom/me traits. There are many other traits that you need to consider. Even without going outside BDSM, you need to know if they have similar tastes to you - no good wanting a 'daddy figure' and meeting with 'school masterly' types, equally no good wanting a Mistress who will have you cross dressing and meeting with those who prefer chastity and cum restriction and prefers their 'men to be men'.

[Ragoczy]

I used to use alt.com with a lot of success; but this was seven years ago, so the community there may have changed. Then I did meet several people that worked out to play with a time or two and finally found kitten, who's been with me for seven years now.

I'll echo the caveat emptor warning, though:

After a few weeks of email with a potential partner, we decided to meet for lunch. For some reason, I don't recall exactly why, we'd skipped any phone calls. My assumption was that she was married, which I planned to question her about during lunch and deal with it if she was.

So I'm waiting at the front of the restaurant when someone not at all matching the description I was expecting shows up and says: "Hi."

Well, clearly I'm recognized by the description I provided and what I said I'd be wearing, but this isn't who I expected to meet, so I ask: "Hi, are you a friend of Sarah's?" -- thinking, perhaps, she sent a friend in to check me out first.

"Well, no ... I'm Sarah." Is the answer.

Being observant in some areas, I made a mental catalog of the discrepancies between the provided description and this person: unshaved stubble on cheek, missing breasts, unexpected penis.

"You're a guy," I accused.

"Well ... yeah."

"What do you think is going to happen here?"

"Well, I was hoping we could have lunch and get to know each other."

"You're a guy."

"But I give really good head."

"Again ... what do you think is going to happen here?"

Be careful out there.

[hopperboo]

I used to use alt.com with a lot of success; but this was seven years ago, so the community there may have changed. Then I did meet several people that worked out to play with a time or two and finally found kitten, who's been with me for seven years now.

I'll echo the caveat emptor warning, though:

After a few weeks of email with a potential partner, we decided to meet for lunch. For some reason, I don't recall exactly why, we'd skipped any phone calls. My assumption was that she was married, which I planned to question her about during lunch and deal with it if she was.

So I'm waiting at the front of the restaurant when someone not at all matching the description I was expecting shows up and says: "Hi."

Well, clearly I'm recognized by the description I provided and what I said I'd be wearing, but this isn't who I expected to meet, so I ask: "Hi, are you a friend of Sarah's?" -- thinking, perhaps, she sent a friend in to check me out first.

"Well, no ... I'm Sarah." Is the answer.

Being observant in some areas, I made a mental catalog of the discrepancies between the provided description and this person: unshaved stubble on cheek, missing breasts, unexpected penis.

"You're a guy," I accused.

"Well ... yeah."

"What do you think is going to happen here?"

"Well, I was hoping we could have lunch and get to know each other."

"You're a guy."

"But I give really good head."

"Again ... what do you think is going to happen here?"

Be careful out there.

Oh.

My.

Gosh.



LOL. That is too funny! (A bad funny, but that's one heck of a story to tell!)

[VixeyandPhoenix]

We started out as a *vanilla,* I guess you would say, relationship.... neither one of us knew yet exactly how it would progress. I was naturally the submissive type, and he the dominating type, but we didn't begin our relationship with any kind of BDSM involved. It evolved for us as our relationship did. Some spanking here.... some tying up there.... one thing led to another and another and another.... and here we are today - married and happy in our D/s roles.
I know that is not the typical way that people in the lifestyle will find their partner, but just as a footnote, it does happen that way every so often, and we are proof of it.

Best of luck to those that are looking, I hope you all find exactly what you are dreaming of!

-Vixey