Im a dom but i cant hurt her

[frostbite99]

hi my name is matt and ive been experimenting with BDSM with my girlfriend for about 3 months now, we have been together for 5 months but already we are both happy with the roles we have discovered, im fairly new to BDSM but already we have tried a few things like blindfolds, handcuffs and collars and usually when one of us suggest something we try it almost straight away. but about 2 weeks ago my girlfriend suggested that i be more aggressive with her and physically hit her, im ok with spanking but how can i physically bring my self to hit her, i could never bring myself to harm her in any way.
if ANYONE has any advice as to how i should procced i would be very greatfull

[leah06]

How does she want you to hit her? Face slapping and other use of your hands might be hard for you as it resonates so strongly with non-consentual violence and abuse. Ironically, implements might be easier for you. They might resonate more with fantasy violence than with actual violence, and their use can be a little more ritualized. IMHO.

[voxelectronica]

I'm a firm believer that Doms should be Doms. That doesn't always meen slapping a sub around. In fact I think that Doms should be far more disciplined than their subs need to be. That being said the role of the sub is to be pleasing to her Master. If hitting your sub is not pleasing to you then don't do it. Of course we all want to give our subs their fantasies and be the fulfilling Master but we are responsible for so much more sometimes.

If it were me I wouldn't slap her around because that's not what pleases me. I would ask her to describe in great detail what mentally it is about that act that she wants. Is it the violence play? you can give her that without slapping her around or is the girl just a pain slut? You can certainly give her that without crossing your comfort.

I find that subs don't always know exactly what they want. They know how they want to feel though. They think they know what act will give them that feeling and that isn't always the case or we can just do better.

Either way she is just going to have to submit to what you want, that's part of her job.

[frostbite99]

thank you both for the advice you've been a great help

[Ozme52]

Once you have figured all that out, good advice btw, if you decide you do want to be rougher, hit her, whatever...

Make sure she has a safeword and make her promise to use it. That way you can be freer to act, knowing she will stop you if you exceed her intentions. I find the safeword allows me more freedom to act... not less.

[Arria]

I´ve been told by several Doms the beginning was very hard for them, which makes sense, as guys get taught from early on it is not ok to hit a woman or be violent with her.

I have also been told it gets easier with time, namely when it becomes apparent how much the sub likes it and how happy it makes her.
Encourage your sub to give you feedback - both positive and negative.
Doms are not mind-readers and should not be expected to be, either.

I am with Oz on the safeword issue. It is always good to have that as a fallback, though a good Dom will learn to judge his sub´s reactions and limits on his own accord - again, it takes time.

Also, it might happen at some point in time (with me, it did happen more than once), that the sub is not using her safeword and thinks she can go further, but the Doms breaks off the scene because he knows better (I only realized after the endorphines had worn off that to keep going would have been a bad idea).

However, that should not worry you at this point in time - take slow steps in the beginning, you will get more comfortable that way than rushing into anything and doing serious harm.

I am a sub myself and have no switch tendencies; however, I like to talk and learn and also understand what happens inside a Dom, and if I feel I could contribute something helpful, I will do so.

Good luck for the two of you.

[Oak]

I understand your concerns as I remember how it was, when I started out as a Dom... A couple of decades ago. Long before PC's and internet.
You'll have to sort of reverse your thinking. Because as long as she likes what you're doing towards her. Spanking, maybe whipping etc. You don't harm or hurt her. As you're doing something to her, that she actually likes. Some subs are so much into pain that they actually can get orgasms from the pain.
But you'll of course progress in a way that you both can accept and live with. I wish the both of you the best of luck on your journey into this world.