Out of my league???

[tina2008]

An odd title, but definitely something that has been on my mind since I've stumbled across the wonderful world of D/s, M/s and power exchange relationships. I'm not focusing on BDSM as it's my personal belief that BDSM doesn't necessarily have to be a part of a D/s, M/s relationships (although I truly enjoy that aspect).

I belong to at least four D/s & BDSM forums and also read quite a bit about the "lifestyle": Disclaimer, I know some hate the word lifestyle, but that's the only term I can think of. I apologize if the term is offensive.

The main thing that has drawn me to this lifestyle is the fact that I've always been submissive and appreciate the clearly defined roles within a relationship with a Dominant male. I'll do almost anything to please my Sir (hard limits notwithstanding). However, there's a heck of a lot of things that I'd not heard of or been exposed to that some Dominants enjoy (I've led a pretty sheltered life). I know that I have to find someone with the same core values and someone who will respect my limits. However, when I read these things, I'm thinking I may be a bit of a prude or out of my league. I'm not being judgmental as people can do whatever or whomever they please as it's none of my business, especially as I'm sure there are things I enjoy that people may think strange.

I'm willing to and have done things that I considered "soft limits" and I'd also like to (slowly) expand my limits, which I've done quite recently (yay). But sometimes I don't feel like I fit in because I don't do nor do I anticipate doing things that (I) consider extreme (nope, not gonna list those things as this post is not meant to offend anyone).

An experienced Dominant friend told me that being submissive can occur in any type of relationship, "vanilla", D/s, M/s. I've tried holding on to that but, I'm still unable to find my "footing".

I have a few Dominant and submissive friends I chat with and sometimes I'm in awe and somewhat intimidated by their relationships. It's almost as if I cannot imagine giving of my self to that extent or having that much trust in another (did I happen to mention my trust issues?).

I've had only one D/s relationship and we've been together a little over a year. We started off as Dom/sub, however, the lines blurred and it's morphed into more of Daddy/girl. My limits are rarely pushed, even the soft ones. I appreciate Him more than he will ever know, but I know once our relationship is over as it's of a somewhat "temporary" nature, I'm in trouble.

Basically, my question is: Have any of you guys ever felt this way?

I got lost rambling during my post and if anyone can make sense of what I've written, any thoughts, advice, yes....even criticism is welcome.

Thank you!!

[suejean]

I don't know if your question was over the attitude of doms and dommes to long term relationships. My own limited experience is that they never were intending a long term relatonship. And certainly not a monogamous (spelling?) one.

I think its like a predator thing, they enjoy new food, new partners. though I'm sure there are plenty who just want a long term one to one relationship .. it was like the more experienced and good at it they were, the less chance there is they want only you for ever and ever. Think where you met and the circumstances, that probably gives a clue what they were looking for.

[tina2008]

No, my question was based solely upon my thoughts. I've had the rare occasion where I've been approached by some that felt I wasn't "submissive" because I wouldn't do thus and so, but that doesn't bother me.

But, thanks so much for trying to understand the ramblings in my head.

[Euryleia]

Our sexuality isn't a one size fits all sort of thing. BDSM isn't one for all and all for one, either. For example, just because you are into bondage, doesn't mean you'll like pain. You need to take your time.

Read the threads here on the library, peruse lots of erotic stories (it's homework! lol), chat with your friends, go to a munch. Figure out what are the things that make you squirm in a good way and what makes you squick. This is a journey of exploration and discovery for you. Enjoy it!

Be honest about your experience level, expectations, and fantasies with any potential partner. Communicate with them your hard and soft limits and what you are willing to try. If your partner now or in the future isn't willing to take the time to let you learn, then they aren't worthy of your gift of submission.

Finally, trust is not something that is automatic just because someone calls themselves Master or Mistress. It must be earned. Your partner needs to show you over time that they will do what they say they will do.

Best wishes as you move forward into the life.

[leah06]

I don't want to tell you what you're feeling, but it sound a little bit like you'd like to be pushed but it scares you. If that's so, I really think you'll be OK. Don't worry about what's on your no-go list right now. You might find that some of those "icks" are somewhat interesting in another context, while others might just always be icky. As you've seen, you can fall into a dynamic with one person but you might fall into a different dynamic with another.

In terms of your current Dom, your limits are allowed to change over time. He might like it if you invite him to revisit some of them.

[Zarine13]

I don't think you are out of your league at all. Different people like different things, just because I like this doesn't mean s/he likes that, and just because I won't do this or that does not make me any less of a submissive (or any more of a submissive) than the next person.

It's just like food, we all like different things to varying degrees, we just need to find the person we click with that likes the same types of things we do. They are out there, it just takes takes time and patience (Side note: why does it have to take time and patience, can't it be two other criteria?) to find them.


If your partner likes you and has no qualms, then don;t worry about what other people have to say, or what they might think.

We are all unique, after all if we weren't life would be pretty damn boring, wouldn't it?

[Ozme52]

(Side note: why does it have to take time and patience, can't it be two other criteria?)

How about perseverance and determination?

[bip0lar]

firstly, thanks for sharing this, and i do hope it made you feel even a tad better by writing it down for yourself and for the rest of us. what i've started to realise [even if i already knew it and had been told about it] is that in this let's-call-it-a-lifestyle both [or more] partners are in first and foremostly because they like it. As long as I like it and you like it and we're a couple, we're fine. Even though there are many differences between vanilla and D/s couples [sorry to the poly folks out there, i'm just typing on a more personal level, so i'll keep to what i know] the core of ANY relationship, any at all, is that all parties are in it because they want to be in it. There are no have to's and musts, if what you want is clear in your head, then go for it. If it isn't, tell those who need to know. The way i see it, any relationship you form with any person gives you the opportunity to give something to them and to take whatever they have to give to you. Keep your eyes open, your ears open and your mind open. So what if you don't like something that would send another sub into subspace? If you can't fun with your lover/Dom/Daddy/Master then who will?!

[Ozme52]

tina,

I don't think you're "out of your league" in any conceivable manner. For one, it's not a league with minimum standards of play. And other than being allowed to have limits, there is no rule book.

I say take what you enjoy from the lifestyle and leave the rest for another time. And "most" dom/mes will be just fine with that. Even those of us who are always playing around the edges of the envelope, know we often find real pleasure in the simple joys of having a devoted submissive who's own pleasure comes from serving us.

We may still push and prod at the edges, try to make you a tad uncomfortable even, but I wouldn't ask my girl to do something I know she abhors.

[tina2008]

Thank you all so much for the responses as it definitely made me feel a lot better.

There may be a few reasons my Sir has taken things slowly; my lack of experience and my recent health issues (thankfully we received good news regarding that today). I want to mention this post to Him and allow Him free rein (within our limits), however I don't want to "top from the bottom" or overstep my bounds. I may get more than I bargained for.

I plan to continue reading everything I can, though I think too much reading has warped my way of thinking. I've done a few "perfect little submissive" things that my Sir thought was quite amusing. So now days, I just work on perfecting the things I know He'll enjoy.

I'll keep in mind that any relationship is like a buffet; just because I try a bit of something doesn't mean I have to finish it. Just move down to the next choice

[steelish]

I don't believe it is possible to be "out of your league" unless, of course, you were to play with someone who does not share similar interests/goals in bdsm.

As it was said in earlier posts, there is such a wide range of play; from mild to severe and the best thing you could do is find and match up with someone who wants the same thing you do.

Your dominant friend is absolutely correct! Submissiveness can occur in any relationship, much of it subliminal.

Take heart. You will "find your footing"!