Irony

[StormKat]

I stumbled across the Library around a year and a half ago, when I was confused and lost and alone after having been tossed to the curb like trash by a dom I’d never even wanted, when he moved away and took a new job. I’d barely even heard of BDSM before I met him, hadn’t wanted any part of it when he told me about it, fought him for over a year because I didn’t want to submit. Six months later, when I’d finally learned to like submitting, he was gone. After finding this site, I turned to the Forums for help.

How ironic is it that I’m back in that same lost, confused, alone place, but this time because of the man who helped me understand what happened with that original guy, who taught me the difference between BDSM and abuse? How ironic is it that having given myself, given everything, to this man voluntarily instead of having had it taken from me still leads to the same desolate place?

It was good from the start, he was so knowledgeable, so experienced, so helpful in explaining things I’d never heard of – safe words, limits, being allowed to say no. We became friends, had so much in common, and the first time I met him, spent the weekend with him, made anything I’d ever known before pale in comparison. We parted as friends and continued to talk/chat/email pretty much daily, planning for him to visit me when he would be on the road next. I didn’t ask him for relationship, didn’t even want one.

During his first visit last spring, that time he spent in my home with me, things changed, moved beyond just friendship. Or so I thought. I could give dozens of examples of why I believed I mattered to him, things he said and did – telling me that his feelings had grown over the time since that initial weekend, calling what was between us a relationship, asking for and getting exclusive control to the most intimate part of my body, updating his FetLife profile to discuss me and tagging me as his sub – but I guess it doesn’t matter because he said those things don’t mean to him what they did to me.

I always knew he was poly, he was very open about that and I was ok with the arrangement that this wasn’t an exclusive situation on either of our parts. There were some issues over the summer, reading things he said about his primary sub that seemed to be making comparisons that I always came up short on. It took me a while to understand that he liked that we were very different but both high-quality women; he said he had only the most excellent of tastes and wouldn’t take less than the best. She and I started talking, worked through some of those problems, and got to know each other. I’m glad she’s my friend and I’m looking forward to meeting her in person in a couple weeks.

He said that it’s his fault, for letting things between us progress to this point, for not resisting me being so cute and fun to be with, for giving in and giving more of himself than he should have, for not addressing this situation sooner. He’s sorry that he didn’t help me from getting overwhelmed by what it was like to submit voluntarily for the first time, for letting our emotional commitments get to such different levels. He wants to still be friends, to talk sports and motorcycles, to still help me as a domme if I want. He said he wouldn’t abandon me like that original jackass did. But any D/s stuff would be a bad idea, even if he might still want it.

I don’t even know what to do or say – everything I thought I understood of what existed between us was evidently wrong. I gave him everything he asked of me, held nothing back, tried so very hard to be a good sub even though it’s not a real natural thing for me. I thought I’d done well! I feel so stupid for not knowing what he really meant or thought behind his words and actions, for believing in him so completely, for believing he cared too.

I now have to live with the knowledge that I’ll never again feel those things that only he could give, never know anything but ghosts and memories of what had been so wonderful. I feel like I must have done something terribly wrong but I don’t understand what or how I fucked up so badly to lose something this important. I thought I was more than just some random chick he hit up for crash space when he was on the road, that I was special. I thought that him acknowledging me as his sub, out of hundreds of girls that would have happily been in that place, meant something. I thought I was the sub of a great man, a wise and experienced dom who would guide and push and protect me as I learned to submit. But now, now I’m just a sports buddy; now I’m just nothing.

[fetishdj]

Sounds like right person, wrong time (for him). The right feelings can hit at inopportune moments and these unfortunately oftimes make you have to choose one person over the other and in this case you got the short end of the wedge. I really do not beleive that it is your fault here and you should never think that. Nor should you think that it is something that will only happen once or that you will never feel it again. One day you will find another person who awakens the same feelings or who awakens different feelings that are so good you won't care any more that they are different and this time it will be the right time for both of you. The important thing is that you are open to this and ready for it when it happens. Each relationship we experience is a stepping stone, an education towards that perfect one which lasts forever and if each one you experience turns out not to be that one then that is fine, just move on to the next having learnt something new.

[AnticipatingPain]

StormKat sending you a big hug.

I am so sorry you have gone through this and I know how alone you must be feeling but please believe you are not 'nothing'. You are a strong beautiful woman, take some time for you; heal yourself and I hope things get a little easier for you.

[denuseri]

HUGGGGS Storm

I am so sorry you are in this dark place. It sucks big time thats for sure, Ive been there more than once myself. I know it seems like youve been utterely obliterated. You can and will survive it. Its hard I know, but do not loose hope or ever give up on yourself!

The feelings that we as submissives experience are often times hard to put into words; who feels things so deeply as those who bare their souls and yeild to the will of another, completely at their mercy? Who crys inside at the merest hint of displeasure from the one they have given their love too? We do! Worse still than that is that feeling of being left, rejected, our trust and love broken and battered. It is something that allmost all of us will go through. The sword hidden within the pinions of love's embrace bites no one as deeply as the slave.

If you ever need anyone to talk too, please feel free to contact me.

Be strong my sister, you are not alone.