Spilling into vanilla life- at work!

[Jennifer Williams]

Okay, here is my issue. I am a supervisor at my job (I'm told I'm fairly good at getting people to do things I want ;P), and everyone calls me bossy and "watch out, here she comes" gets whispered when I walk by, but I don't mind that, to me it's fun! However, until recently, we had a staff of all females. Then they hired a new guy, and try as hard as I might not to, I order him around twice as much as everyone else, just out of habit. Worse, he likes it. The other day I actually told him to fetch- just popped out of my mouth, I swear. And he says, "Yes, Miss." Everything I tell him to do, ask him to do, or even just suggest he might do, he answers "Yes, Miss." and "Thank you, Miss." OH, and he's already told me that he is a masochist < I did not verbally tell him I'm a Domme, but I think instinctively he must know.

I have never wanted to run away from something so delicious in my life! I already have a very committed sub who I love with all my heart, and I feel like I'm cheating on him whenever I have to give any kind of assignment to my employee. And the fact that this is at work, and I am officially his supervisor makes it all seem, well, unethical, somehow.

Any thoughts? Am I worried over nothing, or should I ask to be transferred to another department to avoid temptation? Has anyone else ever had a similar problem? Thanks for your thoughts!

[Crimson{kacey}]

Maybe the new guy should transfer. Is there not some sort of probationary period. I have never been a similar situation but we all have to work in difficult situations at times. Only 3 things can happen. One he leaves. Two you leave. Or three somehow you make it work as long as no boundaries are crossed (unless you want them crossed ). Anyway good luck with that.

[Ozme52]

Just be his boss and curb your language, keep the orders vanilla.

I've had affairs with peers over the years, some who later became bosses, some who became subordinates. (Bad enough dipping in the company inkwell... but,) The moment the relationship is superior-subordinate, you have to walk the straight and narrow.

You haven't even had the prior relationship. Just be the boss.

[leah06]

I agree. Just play it straight. The more you cut out the funny stuff, the less he'll expect it and look for it, so his signals will change. You can create feedback either way, so decide what you want and then stick to it.

[^BlackSoul^]

An office is a tricky place for such an alliance even if you were single...Especially when the sub in consideration is your subordinate...If and when things get messy[as all relationships do], some of it will inevitably spill over into the workplace....And seeing how our lifestyle is still sub-tabard in a world that accepts many others more openly....Well...the cons outweight the pros unless you are open about it already.

Considering the fact that you are already content with your sub, It should not be too hard to distance yourself from the 'temptation' at the workplace...the more you draw back, the more he will too if he gets the hint...Hope the issue settles for you.

Blessed be,
^Black^

[fetishdj]

With regards to your existing sub... clearly faithfulness is an issue here and you need to keep that in mind. It is not unusual for a Dom/me to have multiple subs as poly is quite common in the lifestyle but it is not to everyone's taste and both you and your sub need to be in agreement about including other subs. Some couples manage it by only having sex (of any form -oral, anal, vaginal) with one of their subs and having a proper, long term, couply relationship with them in vanilla life as well as the lifestyle but only playing with the other subs (you can whip them, tie them, gag them, even make them masturbate themselves or have them watch you have sex but you don't touch them sexually and vice versa). That sometimes makes the distinctions clear - your current sub is your long term partner, this new guy is just a play date.

But since it seems to be a limit for you at present, I'd avoid the whole issue and thereby neatly avoid the ethics of company ink.

[chuck]

Everything I tell him to do, ask him to do, or even just suggest he might do, he answers "Yes, Miss." and "Thank you, Miss." OH, and he's already told me that he is a masochist < I did not verbally tell him I'm a Domme, but I think instinctively he must know.

I don't know the situation, so my take may be in error. In general, telling someone as personal as being a masochist is inappropriate unless there is proper ground work. This is especially true in the work place. It sounds like he is getting his kicks at your expense and is trying to top from the bottom. Frankly, I would be angry and discourage this behavior.

[Jennifer Williams]

Well, when he said that he didn't tell it to me, personally, we were all talking in a group when he disclosed that information (and yes, that was a very awkward moment). But, inappropriate as that was, it still turned me on, as does everything else he does all day (today it was "May I alphabetize your file cabinet for you today, Miss?" which I totally needed done, but I told him no and had another employee do it.)

As far as discouraging the behavior goes, I've tried. I've told him I'm in a committed relationship (though I didn't feel it appropriate to say what kind), and he also is in a relationship (with a vanilla who clearly is not satisfying his needs).

but the problem is that I reciprocate his service almost by accident sometimes. For example if I have to assign him a task I catch myself ending the request with "for me", two little unnecessary words that change "Please get this project done" into "Please get this project done for me." you can see where that leads.

It was suggested to me that I should tell my sub this was going on as a means of building trust and also dispelling the secrecy of it, but I'm uncertain. he doesn't have the strongest of self-esteem and I'm afraid he'll fear that is place as Mine is threatened (which it is not).

[chuck]

Well, when he said that he didn't tell it to me, personally, we were all talking in a group when he disclosed that information...

I'm curious. Was he the only male in that group?

I've told him I'm in a committed relationship (though I didn't feel it appropriate to say what kind), and he also is in a relationship (with a vanilla who clearly is not satisfying his needs).

This could be just an office flirtation with private fantasies, but you're playing with fire here. I suspect that you are an easy person to be infatuated with, particularly when that person has compatible character traits. If that happens, that may degrade his relationship with his significant other as well as be detrimental to the professionalism at work. Be careful. There is a high potential for non-fun hurt here.

It was suggested to me that I should tell my sub this was going on as a means of building trust and also dispelling the secrecy of it, but I'm uncertain. he doesn't have the strongest of self-esteem and I'm afraid he'll fear that is place as Mine is threatened (which it is not).

You are the best judge of his personality and your relationship. My uneducated guess is that being open and honest with him may help his self esteem (assuming you are not rubbing his nose in it). If he senses that he is being left out, he will feel more insecure.

[fetishdj]

One way to possibly build trust (and, as above, I am looking at this without necessarily all the facts) may be to not only talk about it with your sub (because it does show trust) but to also, maybe, look at it in a lighthearted way. You could, for example, mention the thiings he asks to do for you and maybe build self esteem by pointing out that you thought he could not do that as well as your sub could.

I also think a frank and open conversation with this guy in the office may also be warranted, not anything official but maybe a word about 'inappropriate office behaviour' and the need to keep a distance professionally.

[Jennifer Williams]

Fetish, thank you for your suggestion! I presented it to my sub exactly as you said, with an attitude of "there's this guy at work who thinks he can serve me". My sub reacted quite positively, actually- he asked me what sort of things the guy at work was doing, and then he told me how he could do it better, and it was actually a really big turn-on and we had a very nice night

As for confronting the male at work, I think I will continue to try to simply not respond as best as possible and see what happens. There hasn't been anything overly inappropriate so far, and now that my sub knows, I feel so much less guilty and now I think it will just make the day rather entertaining.

Well, when he said that he didn't tell it to me, personally, we were all talking in a group when he disclosed that information...

I'm curious. Was he the only male in that group?

Mostly; my male "supervisor" was there but he says very little to anyone and just does what I tell him; most of the rest of the office ignores him (and it's funny because my relationship with him is completely D/s, I guess, but in an entirely non-sexual way, completely platonic, he's married with a new baby), but other than him, yes, it was only females around, why, what were you thinking?

[fetishdj]

Fetish, thank you for your suggestion! I presented it to my sub exactly as you said, with an attitude of "there's this guy at work who thinks he can serve me". My sub reacted quite positively, actually- he asked me what sort of things the guy at work was doing, and then he told me how he could do it better, and it was actually a really big turn-on and we had a very nice night

I think it is because males are always competitive and if you can channel that into a safe outlet then it makes things easier Glad it helped, anyway...

As for confronting the male at work, I think I will continue to try to simply not respond as best as possible and see what happens. There hasn't been anything overly inappropriate so far, and now that my sub knows, I feel so much less guilty and now I think it will just make the day rather entertaining.

Probably wise if it is not that overt. Just bear in mind that it could border on official harrassment (from either direction) so at some point, if it gets more overt, you may have to take pre-emptive steps.

[chuck]

...why, what were you thinking?

I was trying to get an insight to his motivation. i.e. is he turned on by being the 'gopher' in an office of women? It's a common submissive fantasy. Another male in the group when he made his disclosure changes the dynamics.

My concern is that he is getting wrapped up in fantasy and may put his (and your) profession in jeopardy. There is a chance that his vanilla partner will get hurt if he gets carried away.

[Jennifer Williams]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their advice and suggestions, it was all very helpful. If anything else of interest happens I'll let you know, but as for now I feel much more at peace than I did before, thanks again!

[Fiera]

Well as luck would have it, I have a boss that is not only Dominant but he uses his dominance a bit further than you. This ought to make you feel normal again.

I first told him I was into it and then he admitted that he was into it too. So we knew the rules safe, sane and concentual.

Ethical. Not according to the law. He actually does swat me on the ass when I get things wrong. He does yell at me and spell out the consequences for failure. He is gay folks so there is where it is sorta all innocent since there is nothing sexual to it. It gives us both pleasure and we can have it all day every day. He knows that I am Dominant like he is for the most part but he is a very Dominant male and I like giving in to him.

I think we all flirt sometimes, for example, and it is all in good fun but it is how far you take it that changes things. Be true to your own though since they get priority.

[Ozme52]

Right! Non-sexual.

Sorry, not buying it. It may not be typical, but believe me, you're both in a scene.

And should management get wind, or a vengeful or ambitious co-worker decide to make sure they do, you'll find one or the both of you looking for work with any work references you had going to the legal department who will say "We would not rehire."

[thepast]

I agree with Oz. Though you both may think you're in a happy scene, it's work, it isn't play. And depending where you live, you are flirting with some massive employment issues...

I heard this great phrase once: "Work booty is bad booty." Yes, yes it is.

Steer clear at work. It never ends well. Co-workers, bosses, clients find out & then, as Oz alludes to, you are up a creek w/o a paddle. Even worse, if you are found straight out by HR, you are in the rapids w/o a paddle.

There are no HR policies to allow for scene-ing at work. There are no HR policies to allow for ANYTHING related to Lifestyle at work. People have worked DECADES to equalize the work environment for everyone, and trust me, bosses & HR are VERY clued into things that "aren't right." While you might be having fun now, you won't be in a few months when you are asked to pack your desk up.

Have the fun outside of work, but leave the workplace alone.

Of course, I would say the same thing about extending your D/s relationship from home to the workplace: a no-no. There are boundaries to everything in life, and the work/office boundary? That's a fairly solid line.

Just my 2 cents.

[Lisais mine]

you know, it happens to me all the time. while i am giving a massage, a girl will say " i like pain" or something to that effect. the best response is to ignore it. pretend you dont get the clues, and keep it in your pants.

[fetishdj]

With regards to references... it depends on where you are because current legislation in UK states that you are not allowed to give a bad reference of any form. If you hated the employee, he burnt your house, stole your car and pissed on your desk in a fit of spite the only thing you are allowed to say in a reference is 'this person worked for our company between x date and y date'

Of course, most HR departments know the code and know that this statement on its own with no other statements or points made means 'do not hire' and there is nothing to stop you talking 'off the record' to other employers in the area at various functions you all attend...

I do agree with Delia that any activity that looks like it may be sexual harrassment or discrimination (even something like 'make me a coffee Miss Jones' is suspect in this day and age) will get take seriously even if both parties claim it is 'a bit of fun'. The trick, like with the law and accusations of GBH etc, is to not draw attention to anything unusual. In most cases, the only thing that will cause trouble at high level to the extent that HR are aware of it is when one or more people complain about it, especially a participant, but it does not do to make it blatant.

[Jennifer Williams]

Yes, keep in mind that your co-workers can complain, especially if they feel uncomfortable in their environment. That was one of the things I was so worried about- my co-workers picking up on what was going on (fortunately, people who are not in the lifestyle can miss clues that would be blatantly obvious to the rest of us), but thinks like ass-smacking are obvious to anyone and in some cases, completely illegal.

If you want to keep your job, you have to cut it out.

[Odysseus]

I think I will repeat what most have told you... and.. what... I am shure.. you already know..... the is your place of work. there is alot at stake. dont push, keep it professional.....



Recall the old saying.. power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely?... chuckles...I think, this is where you discover the wonderful thing called... self control. SOmething you need to have before you can domme others....


hope you make the right decision.. .good luck

-O

[pervertedpages]

lol, Jennifer Williams, your last post read like you were giving advice to the OP.. yourself, without acknowledging that you were one or the other.

It makes a bit more sense after reading it more than once? kind of? But still funny enough that I had to post a "did you just give yourself advice?" teasing post

[Jennifer Williams]

Haha, no, I was giving advice to Fiera...but I guess to myself, too. I mean, I know in my mind what I should be doing, and then there's actually carrying it out in real life. *sigh*

[socal_dan]

Jennifer, I had a conversation with a vanilla friend earlier that somewhat relates to this, I think it's worth sharing. She nearly had a fling with a prior romantic interest she hasn't seen in a while, who is now (recently) married. It was bothering her that she'd almost interfered with somebody else's relationship, and that the kind of interaction (being the mistress) wasn't something she was interested in. Frustration and guilt.

I casually threw out that it seemed like she may be a bit confused, about how she's feeling and how she's acting. There shouldn't be any indecision or difficulty acting, if you're sure of what you want, or don't want as the case may be. The situation isn't very difficult to manage on your end, if you really think about it. You can clearly explain to him that the relationship is inappropriate, or explain to HR that you can't supervise that employee for personal reasons.

I may be way out of line here, but the conflict seems to be personal for you. So perhaps I would suggest a bit of reflection, and decisiveness.

[Jennifer Williams]

Well, it is personal. And I have reflected, and I've come to the conclusion that I was worrying over nothing. Of course I don't want anything but a working relationship with this person; and of course I will still find it hot when he calls me "Miss". I simply do my best not to reciprocate anything, and when I really need to I just think about the night I'm going to have with my sub when I get home.