Too much violence.

[SubmissiveSweetheart]

I am a submissive who loves being punished. Whether it be with a spanking or standing in the corner I love the feeling of being dominated over and disciplined. The problem is that my husband is just far too violent with it. He loves throwing me onto the bed and slamming into walls, and I love it too, but sometimes it's too overwhelming. He knows this, but can't seem to get the knack of doing anything else. Our Dominant/submissive relationship is strictly sexual and doesn't run our lives completely and we both want it to be enjoyable for both of us. How do I explain to him in a way he can understand what it is that I'm looking for?

[DowntownAmber]

It sounds like you just did.

I don't know the depth of discussion you've had with the man, but it would seem to me saying something like, "I like to be thrown onto the bed, but into walls is too much," is pretty clear cut? If he understands this in theory, but just gets a little too carried away during play, a lot of couples have success with a safe words. One word can mean "slow down," while another means "stop completely."

[SubmissiveSweetheart]

I must really have problems explaining myself because that's not what I meant either, haha. I'm looking for a punishment to be less violent and more disciplinary. Like if you were swatting a 3 year old's bottom you wouldn't violently grab them and yank them over your knee.

[Rel]

Maybe something you need to figure out with your husband is the difference between discipline and punishment and the times that require each.

I've seen punishment and discipline used interchangeably but, at least to me, they are different concepts. For me discipline doesn't involve pain and violence where punishment may involve either. I think one of the most telling signs of the differences between the two comes from Dictionary.com. The website has a synonyms column when it gives you the definition of a word. For discipline the synonyms include: orderliness, limitation, strictness, control. For punishment the synonyms are: maltreatment, retribution, pain, suffering. So, while the definitions may seem similar, the synonyms show two very different concepts.

Maybe you need to decide on the meanings of these things where they come in with you and your husband then decide which you mean to bring into your Play.

Another idea might be to make a list of the infractions that most often occur and, for each infraction, list a variety of 'acceptable' punishments or disciplines. Discuss the list with your husband and show him what type of actions you would prefer (of course be ready to compromise to find the right set of reactions for each infraction). Not only could this lead to less violence when it seems unwarranted but by being creative with the list, you may find new things you enjoy even more than your usual actions.

[fetishdj]

It sounds like you need to instigate a feedback system in your play. As well as using the tips above (and safewords are useful, even if you never use it you may find it helps you psychologicaly to have one as a safety net). After you finish playing, you should be having aftercare (hugging, stroking, words of reassurance, even a cup of tea) and part of aftercare in BDSM can be discussion about 'how things went'.

You need to make sure this is a formal thing, not just a 'how was it for you?' thing. You need to both be aware that there will be analysis of the play and it needs to be rational and calm discussion. Some people have it the day after to avoid being too tied up in emotions. Others do it in written form - on a private shared blog, for example. Criticism needs to be constructive and contain positive as well as 'negative' things. So, tell him what you enjoyed in that specific session, then tell him that you thought he was a bit rough in one point and suggest how he may make that better and so on. Be careful of saying anything that may be construed as 'blame' or mistaken for complaining.

With regards to safewords, a good one to consider is the traffic light system. If he asks you how you are you can say 'green' for OK, 'Amber' for 'a little too much' and 'red' for 'stop, I am in trouble'. You can also say any of these words during the session to let him know if you think he is going too far. This system is good because it demonstrates that a safeword being called does not mean the end of the session (which many think it does) but rather a time for a rest, a reassessment of the situation and for the Dom to ask the sub if they want to go on or not.