Coming out

[UnholyAdvent]

So my parents and family keep asking me about my love life, relationships, and all that good stuff. They have no idea about my BDSM life style or even that I'm bisexual and enjoy men as well. My parents are "molly Mormons" (Mormons who follow the rules and beliefs with undying passion and commitment) and judgmental outside their group and BDSM is not heard of in their world, homosexuality in itself is the 7th deadliest sin according to Mormonism and gays are banished to Hell.
I worry that if I tell them then I will be shunt from the family and my lack of openness about my relationships brings worry and problems.. I've thought about maybe explaining BDSM without the mentioning of men, even so they will still perceive it as "demonic" and give me the cold shoulder....
Any suggestions about how to approach coming out? Or even some general advice..

[DowntownAmber]

What benefit would explaining BDSM to your family bring to you? My parents and I are close, though I can't really see how my sharing my intimate activities with them would be a real bonding conversation.

On the other hand, if I were bisexual and were in a same sex relationship, it WOULD be important for me to be honest about that relationship and to be proud of the person I was with and committed to. That I wouldn't keep private.

It just comes down to what you want - if what you're after is simply to alleviate the worry and problems that your lack of openness seems to be causing, there are ways to be open yet still discreet. Tell them you're not seeing anyone, tell them you're only interested in casual dating, whatever. Start small.

[UnholyAdvent]

So telling them I'm going on a date with someone to the movies or whatever? Over the years though has brought up such questions "why I dont ever introduce a girlfriend to the family?" "Why I won't go on double dates with my brother and his girlfriend?" I've tried to explain that because none of them have been serious and I only want them to meet the right one, and that I feel uncomfortable with group dating..
I also hate lying to my family and explaining what I do would allow me to not have to hide it anymore. I wouldn't need to necessarily explain intimate details just a basic over view, this is what I like and this is what it is..

[DowntownAmber]

So telling them I'm going on a date with someone to the movies or whatever? Over the years though has brought up such questions "why I dont ever introduce a girlfriend to the family?" "Why I won't go on double dates with my brother and his girlfriend?" I've tried to explain that because none of them have been serious and I only want them to meet the right one, and that I feel uncomfortable with group dating.

Some families are just nosier than others...lol My family would probably be the opposite, raising an eyebrow if I were hauling a casual date home or on a double with my brother and his wife. Just keep expressing to your family that you're happy with your relationship status or lack thereof right now - most parents just want to know their kids are happy. Leave it at that.

I also hate lying to my family and explaining what I do would allow me to not have to hide it anymore. I wouldn't need to necessarily explain intimate details just a basic over view, this is what I like and this is what it is..

You and I see this a little differently - not talking about what turns me on and my intimate proclivities doesn't really strike me as lying. There are simply things that aren't anyone else's business. Even without sharing the nitty gritty details, talking about a basic overview of a BDSM lifestyle is still pretty intimate and nudging toward the sexual. Not things I benefit from by chatting about with the fam. Your mileage may vary.

[Thorne]

I've heard both sides of the story from other Mormons who have come out to their families. Some families, while not happy with the situation, can put that aside and continue loving their child/sibling. Some can't. You'll have to decide which way you think your family will go and whether or not you would be willing to accept their shunning if they cannot place family above faith.

Good luck to you, either way.

[denuseri]

I am pretty much right along with Amber here when it comes to keeping my business in the bedroom, well mine.

I would even propose that it sounds as if what your really looking for is to challenge your parents to accept you despite their beliefs, you may even give some thought as to why you chose them to begin with, could it be you want confrontation? Do you really love them? I know if my own mother were to know everything I do for fun she would be devastated, why should I put her through that, for the sake of my own ego? Does it prove anything?

IMHO: No reason for me to go breaking her universe up over something like that when I know the outcome will only bring pain to all conserned.

[UnholyAdvent]

I am pretty much right along with Amber here when it comes to keeping my business in the bedroom, well mine.

I would even propose that it sounds as if what your really looking for is to c

hallenge your parents to accept you despite their beliefs, you may even give some thought as to why you chose them to begin with, could it be you want confrontation? Do you really love them? I know if my own mother were to know everything I do for fun she would be devastated, why should I put her through that, for the sake of my own ego? Does it prove anything?

IMHO: No reason for me to go breaking her universe up over something like that when I know the outcome will only bring pain to all conserned.

None of which is even close lol but props for trying to read between the lines. And yes I do love my parents very much also sometimes yes I do create confrontations with others but never intentionally with my family and its not to prove or show my own ego but to see, feel, and understand others. Lastly no it does not prove anything, but i do get a sense of self satisfaction from it.

[denuseri]

Any clarification you can give would be helpful in the reading between the lines part.

If I sound harsh in my assessment, it is in part to provoke thought and self examination, a wee bit of the Socratic mixed with Eriksson and Virgil. But in my defense you will also please notice, the parts you may find harsh in my response about challenging or loving your parents are directed as questions by me too you...not assumptions on my part, and the entire latter part is basically a confession of how I view my "own" situation in regards to keeping my own lifestyle a secret from my parents because I didn't want to feed my own ego at their expense or mess up their world.

I would hope most of us don't seek confrontation with most people, family included.

At least we usually tell ourselves its not intentionally, it may however be unavoidable for many situations.

Yet we all know that via the branch of science called human growth and development (a sub-section of psychology in some regards) that intentional or otherwise in many cases: that is indeed what we do in part because as children and later through out all our years with our parents and others even into adulthood as our goals change we find it to be a useful learning tool and a useful social tool, seeking acceptance is a natural urge, in some cases seeking supremacy or dominance also is, if not on anything but a sub-conscious level (hence my comment to the ego).

Recognizing that in ourselves gives us a better perspective from which to proceed.

Based solely off what you have said so far: It sounds as if you have already decided or are heavily leaning towards such a decision that you must somehow tell them, and are here seeking either approval of that decision, or a means of doing so/ weighing your options etc so to speak.

Which to me is a good thing.

All I'm doing is advising some further self examination on the issue and perhaps hopefully a different perspective from which you can base your decision.

In any event I shall pray that whatever you decide it works out for the best for you and yours.

[UnholyAdvent]

Any clarification you can give would be helpful in the reading between the lines part.

If I sound harsh in my assessment, it is in part to provoke thought and self examination, a wee bit of the Socratic mixed with Eriksson and Virgil. But in my defense you will also please notice, the parts you may find harsh in my response about challenging or loving your parents are directed as questions by me too you...not assumptions on my part, and the entire latter part is basically a confession of how I view my "own" situation in regards to keeping my own lifestyle a secret from my parents because I didn't want to feed my own ego at their expense or mess up their world.

I would hope most of us don't seek confrontation with most people, family included.

At least we usually tell ourselves its not intentionally, it may however be unavoidable for many situations.

Yet we all know that via the branch of science called human growth and development (a sub-section of psychology in some regards) that intentional or otherwise in many cases: that is indeed what we do in part because as children and later through out all our years with our parents and others even into adulthood as our goals change we find it to be a useful learning tool and a useful social tool, seeking acceptance is a natural urge, in some cases seeking supremacy or dominance also is, if not on anything but a sub-conscious level (hence my comment to the ego).

Recognizing that in ourselves gives us a better perspective from which to proceed.

Based solely off what you have said so far: It sounds as if you have already decided or are heavily leaning towards such a decision that you must somehow tell them, and are here seeking either approval of that decision, or a means of doing so/ weighing your options etc so to speak.

Which to me is a good thing.

All I'm doing is advising some further self examination on the issue and perhaps hopefully a different perspective from which you can base your decision.

In any event I shall pray that whatever you decide it works out for the best for you and yours.

Still not close denuseri, but I admire your wisdom and the advice you offer I could just be clear as day but that takes the fun and my pleasure out of it. I think most everyone would consider this an immature mind game where I would expect someone to figure it out. I assure you its not that either, I hope that someone just knows the answer

[Lazerous]

It's difficult to provide an answer...when the question is deliberately vague. Unless you can describe why you want to "come out" of either closet...leave the door shut. That way none of the difficulties will arise.

[MstrJake]

I hesitate to dip my toe into this very salty water. For many of us, being seen for who we are, and accepted as we are is so important in all of our relationships and especially with our parents. On matters sexual, it is quite possible that one could provoke the conservative parents to disown their child, whatever that means in today's world. Or they could say, "well, hell's bells, Junior, we always knew your were different, and wondered when you were going to say something." Or, one parent could be accepting and the other rigidly unmovable, causing a horrible split between them. My point is: you can't possibly know.

Would it be helpful to consider what it is that you really want from your parents? I can offer some possibilities. The details of your intimate relationships are not high on the list. High on the list is that you love them, and are grateful that they bore you and raised you. Also high on the list is assuring them that they did a good job as parents-the best they could. If you do not follow their faith and beliefs, perhaps you can consider just saying that, which will be hard enough. And if anyone pushes you too too hard about why you don't bring your date, BobandCarolandTedandAlice home to meet them, you might say it is because you fear they will be judgmental, if that is your fear. But if you do take this tack I would urge you to be prepared to do it without an expectation of a particular outcome.

In the interest of full disclosure, I moved half-way across country just to avoid close scrutiny, and then I moved the rest of the way. That is always an option too.