Information for subs and doms

[captainawesome]

Nearly every sub I meet seems to have a story about a terrible experience with a dom/me. I find that much of the time, it was a result of violation of trust or negligence, and it's unfortunate because it really does leave them scarred. I wanted to share some perspectives I have for both subs and dominants alike. I am by no means an expert, and please do not take my advice as error-proof. Additionally, many people will have differing view points on much of what I am about to say - which is fully understandable. I am more than willing to take those view points into consideration; I am sure there is room for improvement, and it is welcome. I am going to post this in the BDSM Talk forum rather than the BDSM 101 forum because I think this is information that everyone can benefit from - not just those that are new.

For subs:

First of all, being a sub does not mean someone takes power from you - you give it. Despite being the sub, it is ultimately you that determines if you wish to give someone authority over you, and if the relationship can exist; Understanding this is very important, or you are setting yourself up to taken advantage of. Many of the subs I meet complain about being in relationships that they sound like they want to get out of, but refuse to because it would make them a bad sub. You are first and foremost a person, and like any relationship - bdsm or vanilla - you need to watch out for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable in a relationship, get the hell out of there.

There is also the matter of how quickly you give trust. Some subs I know are super quick to send out pictures or get on cam. If you are comfortable with this, and do not care that this may come back one day, that's your decision. However, you might be in a different position several years down the line, so it is probably best that you maintain your privacy for unforeseen circumstances. If your involvement in bdsm is something you would like to keep private - be it now or on the future - do not give this stuff out so easily. If anything, at least leave your face cut out in pictures and in cam sessions. Giving out your facebook or any other information that can be linked to your personal identify is a huge no - even if you have known someone for a very long time. This gives them access to your real-life social circle which can lead to a world of trouble.

Then there is the matter of how close you get to someone, and more specifically, dependancy. Like any relationship, a bdsm relationships come and go, and then there are exceptional ones that stay. The difference is that in a bdsm relationship, there is a far greater sense of bonding - especially for the sub. If the relationship ends, it can prove devastating to the sub. Be very clear with whoever you play with if you are looking for something long-term, short-term, casual, etc, and be clear on what they are looking for as well.


For dom/mes:

Let's start this off bluntly: Being a dominant does not mean you get to do whatever you want. This is a common misconception, and one that's really damaging to the community as a whole. I derive much of my pleasure from getting to understand what my sub enjoys, craves but fears, flat out fears, and so forth, than blending all of this to push her physically, mentally, and emotionally. There is a definitive difference between doing whatever I want, and doing whatever I want within the framework of my knowledge of what the sub wants. The trick is understanding just what "wants" means for your sub. It is more complicated in bdsm since something may frighten or hurt a sub, but still be enjoyable for them. All in all, this is the difference between "taking and maintening authority" vs "imposing authority". Put in the time to figure this out; Otherwise, you are not a dom/me - you are just some idiot on a power trip.

Do not neglect your sub for no reason or out of sheer lazyness. This is a difficult thing, especially in online settings. You've gotta understand that very often your sub is very emotionally dependant on you, and when you neglect that bond for no good reason, it confuses them. If you are ignoring them as a punishment, that is a different matter. Ignoring them for no reason is not punishment in a bdsm sense, but just bad etiquette. Whenever I'm going to be gone for a while, I like to let the sub know. There are some cases when I think a sub has latched on to me too much despite me telling her that I am not interested in anything long term. In such cases, I may distance myself incrementally to save her the trouble of getting hurt more later on.

I see this quite a bit: Experienced dom/mes praying on the new subs. A new sub will surely have misconceptions about bdsm. Do not mislead them into thinking you want something long term just so you have someone to play with, or that they should provide you with a certain level of commitment for no reason. It might provide you with some temporary sexual gratification, but keep in mind that you might be causing more long-term damage to someone else that will continue past you.


General information:

Do not lead people on. I'm the kind of person that is okay with meeting someone in person after developing a sense of trust with them, and exchanging pictures/cam (face cut out), and audio chat. However, certain people say they will be okay with this but are just giving the other person the run around. It's very annoying. If you're not comfortable with it, that is absolutely fine - just be clear about it.

If you are going to meet up with someone, do it in a public place and make sure someone knows where you are. They should check up on your periodically to make sure you are okay. Additionally, if you are going to do a bondage session with someone, put into writing what you are doing, both of you sign it, and both of you should have copies. You will occassionaly see stories in the news about dom/mes getting into trouble for bdsm sessions, even if the sub does not want to press charges. At the end of the day, bdsm is still a legally ambigious matter. Meeting with someone is a topic that merits a lot more attention, and I'm sure there are more resources out there regarding it.

If you are looking for something polyamorous (you want multiple partners), be clear about this as well. I've found that dom/mes are more likely to lie about this than subs, but is a problem either way. Just because bdsm is a highly sexualized interest does not make multiple partners okay if your partner is not okay with it.

I think you will find that much of the dynamics of bdsm parallel those of a vanilla relationship. This is no coincedance. Both types of relationships require respect, trust, and honesty. If anything, bdsm requires more of it because of the trust that it entails.

I find BDSM to be a largely psychological endeavor, despite being categorized primarily as a sexual one. Yes, sex is a HUGE component of it, but not the whole picture. If you are just in it for the sex (which is perfectly fine - heck, in some cases I am), a lot of this might not apply to you. However, you should still stay safe and be considerate.

A side note:

A lot of the time, dom/mes act the way they do because of what they expect subs expect from them. I personally do not care if someone I don't know questions how good of a dom I am. However, I have seen subs giving trouble to dom/mes because they do not act "dominant" enough, and this is completely uncalled for. Just because a person is a dom/me does not mean they are always relentlessly controlling. For instance, I am not your "stereotypical" dom. I am in my early 20's, and despite being a very take charge and assertive person, I do not come off as controlling. This means that I don't tell people what to do for no reason - especially people I do not know. Heck, I even hold the door for my dates and all that chivalry stuff that seemingly stopped happening in 1953. If you saw me, you'd think I was confident, but probably not a dom. What I'm trying to say is, do not confuse the term dom/me for someone that is dominant 24/7 in every aspect of life, or negligent of others - this is simply not the case.


If anyone has anything they would like to add on to this, please feel free. I probably come off as more reserved than many, but all of this is just my perspective (just for the record, I can be pretty cruel when I see fit). If you want to adapt it after your own research and consideration, that's your call. Or you can ignore it - that's your call as well.


PS: This post is probably laced with grammatical and spelling errors. I'm pretty tired right now, and don't have it in me to proof read this thing senseless.

[Dog's Lady]

Great info! I didn't know just how lucky I was to be in my first real BDSM relationship with someone who was already a friend of 15 years. Yes, we still have to work at communicating what we want, but I know that I can trust him completely.
Thanks for your perspective. (oh, BTW, I do medieval recreation because I like men to open doors for me-not that I wouldn't hold if for you if your arms were full-chivalry is not dead, and it should go both ways. One comment made by someone in that hobby was as follows: Gentlemen, honor all ladies. Ladies, remain worthy of all honor.)

[captainawesome]

Congrats; It is extremely rare to develop a bdsm relationship with a friend of that long. I'm glad things are working out well for you.

[Xmaster1]

Excellent document. Good advice on both sides.

[denuseri]

Well said Captain!

[Dog's Lady]

As well as can be hoped, with us a 20-hour car trip apart. Luckily, I get to see him soon-I leave this week. Think horny, happy thoughts for our reunion this coming weekend!

[ksst]

Enjoy!!

[thir]

I like this post - lots of good pointers!

A side note:
A lot of the time, dom/mes act the way they do because of what they expect subs expect from them.

This is true, I have seen it and even done it at first, until I understood how bloody stupid that is. You end up being a sort of advanced dildo for the sub.

I personally do not care if someone I don't know questions how good of a dom I am.

Point. And that goes for other dom/mes as well. It is not a profession, and it is not a contest.

However, I have seen subs giving trouble to dom/mes because they do not act "dominant" enough, and this is completely uncalled for. Just because a person is a dom/me does not mean they are always relentlessly controlling. For instance, I am not your "stereotypical" dom.

Does such an animal even excist? ;-)

I am in my early 20's, and despite being a very take charge and assertive person, I do not come off as controlling. This means that I don't tell people what to do for no reason - especially people I do not know. Heck, I even hold the door for my dates and all that chivalry stuff that seemingly stopped happening in 1953. If you saw me, you'd think I was confident, but probably not a dom. What I'm trying to say is, do not confuse the term dom/me for someone that is dominant 24/7 in every aspect of life, or negligent of others - this is simply not the case.

Dom/mes - as subs - are real people. Trying to live up to some sort of sterotype always means ending up as less than what you are.

PS: This post is probably laced with grammatical and spelling errors. I'm pretty tired right now, and don't have it in me to proof read this thing senseless.

Seemed ok to me, but even if it wasn't, what of it? There are a few people who feel called to correct spelling - ignore them. This is a bdsm list, not a grammar school.

[captainawesome]

Thanks for the positive feedback guys. I think I might follow up to this with some what of a "part 2" describing some other observations I've made. However, I'm considering looking for a sub again, and hopefully I'll run into someone that keeps me so distracted that I won't have time to write for a while. Realistically, that's pretty unlikely so expect part 2 sometime soon. Either way, it would be awesome if some people replied describing some experiences they've had and/or knowledge they've gained that they think others can benefit from knowing.

[iucundavi]

Excellent document, I hope that it gets wide circulation on the net since it distills an introduction to the life to the essentials. I'd read a part two with interest.

[ksst]

This means that I don't tell people what to do for no reason - especially people I do not know. Heck, I even hold the door for my dates and all that chivalry stuff that seemingly stopped happening in 1953.

It still happens around here too. Chivalry is not dead, it's just on the run in some places. I haven't been at this long enough to offer any wisdom, but my thought is that being a jerk is no way to be dominant.

I would also like to read part 2.

[katykat]

Very helpful and insightful post, especially for newbies like me. (: