Safewords- what are they to you?

[jennyfer]

I posted this on another forum, but I thought I'd add it here as well seeing as we discussed this in the chatroom recently and I might as well open it to a wider audience. Also seeing as I made my first post last night I think I'll make my first thread this morning:

I'm not asking for a general explanation of what a safeword is for here, rather a discussion on the different roles they have for different people. In the last few days I've spoken to a number of people about this, and some of the things they have said have interested me, while others have disturbed me, so I thought it would be good to open the floor and see what people think of the concept of safewords.

I'll give some background information to make myself clearer.
I'm in a 24/7 Master/slave relationship and so the way I view safewords will most likely be different from a person who is only into short 'play' scenes. In my relationship, a safeword is not used to say 'I don't like this' or 'I don't want to do that'- as a slave I am expected to submit to my Master's will even if I don't like what he is asking. If I ask respectfully I will always get the chance to voice my concerns but ultimately the decision is not mine to make. Instead the safeword means 'I am in danger, stop'. For example, I may use it if my bonds had become twisted and were cutting off my circulation, or if my breathing was becoming restricted. Occassionally, in extreme circumstances I may use the safeword for something I think would damage me psychologically, though I never have. I think this would be more relevant if I had a history of sexual abuse or similar, in which case something in a scene could accidentally trigger an unexpected emotional response. This doesn't apply to me, so the only situation where I may have to use a safeword for reasons other than physical danger would probably be if he did something which violated the whole basis of our relationship and it's limits (eg. if he tried to involve a child in a scene, to use an extreme example).
If a safeword is used, everything stops immediately and my Master does whatever is necessary to get me out of danger. We would then talk this through and find out what went wrong. A safeword is never taken lightly as it generally means something serious has happened to cause a problem. Equally there is no shame on me for using a safeword- there is no expectation for me not to use it to prove how submissive I am and in fact it is very important that I do not hesitate to use it when needed. In the same way I would never use the safeword lightly or when I didn't feel it totally necessary.

I have heard many people say that they do not allow their submissive a safeword during a punishment. I can understand the reasoning behind this- a punishment is designed to punish, the sub should not be in control and it should be unpleasant. Also the punishment is 'earned' by the submissive's behavior and as such they have forfeited their right to use a safeword. This however alarms me slightly, as what would happen if the circumstances suddenly changed? What if the sub were to have a panic attack/heart attack/allergic reaction or any number of other things requiring immediate help, and the dom wouldnt allow them to stop and explain that they needed help? It can be argued of course that it is the job of the dominant partner to be aware of dangers and make a judgement call but it seems to be a simple mistake could result in all sorts of damage being done. My safeword is still valid during any punishment for this reason, although it has always been made clear that it isn't a get out clause. If I needed to safeword, the punishment would be stopped and any problem would be solved. I would then be expected to resume my punishment, though he may change the nature of it if it seemed necessary.

Understandably, different relationships have their own dynamic and so their own interpretation of a safeword. If I was playing more casually with a partner then it might be acceptable to use a safeword if I simply did not like something I was being asked. Also if the participants have not played together many times before they may be less aware of each other's emotions and less able to judge the scene.

So with all that in mind, these are the general points I'd like people to consider
- What do you consider an appropriate use of a safeword? Is this a hard and fast rule or does it depend on the partner and situation?
- Is it ever ok to not have a safeword? Should subs be able to safeword in a punishment?
- Does a safeword automatically stop a scene? Do you instead use it as a break to assess the situation or continue in a different direction? Do you have more than one safeword to denote different things?
-Is the safeword effective? Have you ever encountered a situation where a sub may have needed to safeword but was unable due to being in too much pain/emotion/ in sub space to remember or even think of it?
- (To the subs) Have you ever felt too ashamed or embarassed to safword? Have you ever been pressured by a dominant partner not to use it, or been made to feel bad or 'not a real sub' if you did?

Sorry for an extremely long post. Just looking to open up an intelligent discussion on a concept which is often thrown around and taken for granted in places like this. Thoughts from anyone are very welcome, and don't feel you have to answer all of my many questions!

jen

[Ozme52]

Some interesting perspectives jen

- What do you consider an appropriate use of a safeword? Is this a hard and fast rule or does it depend on the partner and situation?

Yes, it should be situational. I can't expect the same levels of confidence or needs and desires from a sub new to the life, a new sub to me, and a long term life-styler, new to me or not.

Appropriate use of a safeword... and I usually use two... is for situations that might arise that we've never discussed. For example, we might have talked about a whipping but she never expected a bullwhip. (Not that I would, but it's a good over-the-top, to me, example....) vs. a situation where the play has suddenly somehow gone too far... or I might not realize the actual consequences... and must be stopped. Imagine forcing a sub to remove her veil or lift her skirt in Afganistan and not knowing the consequences.... LOL

- Is it ever ok to not have a safeword? Should subs be able to safeword in a punishment?

The trite answer of course is sure. No safeword if I'm driving and you think I'm tailgating. I don't do that for vanilla friends, why would I do that for my sub. LOL But I'm not sure within the lifestyle. Should a safeword be permitted for an activity that's been performed a hundred times before? If you're too tired, you can ask to be excused... but to have control over it? I don't know....

Should a sub be able to use one in a punishment? It damn well better be because something has happened to her out of the ordinary... in the course of the punishment. But that answers the question. You have to have a safeword. Blood pressures can rise during punishment... what if you had a occular hemorage... how the hell would I know... I must be willing to stop for a safeword... Now... once used, it better have been for a good reason...

- Does a safeword automatically stop a scene? Do you instead use it as a break to assess the situation or continue in a different direction? Do you have more than one safeword to denote different things?

No, a safeword can be used to give a new sub an opportunity to ask, learn, and gain some confidence in new situations. To change directions? Not usually, unless I forgot an agreed upon limit or we discovered a new limit we hadn't discussed.

Two words, yes, I, in essence, answered that above. But the "time out" safeword has to be used less and less frequently over time.

-Is the safeword effective? Have you ever encountered a situation where a sub may have needed to safeword but was unable due to being in too much pain/emotion/ in sub space to remember or even think of it?

Effective? Yes, just as safety belts, motorcycle helmets, and car seats for infants and tots. But just like those devices, it's for the unexpected occurance that you know could happen. It's there but unecessary in the normal of events.

The whole issue of a partner entering subspace is tricky. I don't want her there until all the above concerns have been addressed. I have to recognize when she goes and it is encumbent on me to realize she no longer has the ability to tell me if she's in trouble. Recognizing she's in subspace, I must maintain my self-control and stay within the bounds we've already explored. That is not the time to experiment.



Writing this has been one of those opportunities... I know this deep down but it is never-the-less good to 'verbalize' it from time to time.

Thanx jen

[Brosco]

An excellent article jen, and I can't really find anything where I disagree with you. Even in an online relationship (fantassy and I use an internet phone the majority of the time) there is a need for safewords. Since I can't physically be there to fix any problem, and fantassy is obviously alone in her house, safety and precautions are a must.

Occassionally, in extreme circumstances I may use the safeword for something I think would damage me psychologically...

I am glad you raised this point. Too many people only think of the physical conditions that may require a safeword. But imagine if I decided to record one of our phone sessions and create an MP3 to post on the net for others to listen! Ok, there are those that are more exhibitionist out there that would like this - but since we are more private sorta individuals, and so doing this could be emotionally devastating. Definitely a time for a safeword.

What do you consider an appropriate use of a safeword? Is this a hard and fast rule or does it depend on the partner and situation?

I agree with Ozme - very much dependant on partner and situation. With my particular kink (Orgasm control) a lot of what I do is to create the arousal but her struggle not to cum. Clearly, if what we are doing isn't working it is pointless to continue. If I order her to cum, and something is preventing it from happening, we need to stop to correct the problem or the frustration will not be a pleasure for either of us.

Safewords are also very important because this allows 'subbie protests' to be voiced to indicate that what is happening is (or going to be) a challenge but allows it to continue. If anything, a subbie protest 'encourages' me. Without a safeword, I would have no way of knowing when a subbie protest was real.

Is it ever ok to not have a safeword? Should subs be able to safeword in a punishment?

I cannot think of any occasion that a sub should not have a safeword. On some forums I have seen the slave (vs) sub debate, and one often quoted difference is that slaves are not allowed safewords. While I would expect a slave to be less likely to use one, it would be courting with disaster to prevent it entirely .. and that includes during punishment.

Is the safeword effective? Have you ever encountered a situation where a sub may have needed to safeword but was unable due to being in too much pain/emotion/ in sub space to remember or even think of it?

I have had one situation where I had not explained that it could be used for more emotional issues as well as just physical - so I was reading her protests as 'subbie protests' and basically ignored them. After about 20 minutes of 'fighting' she tried the safeword, so all turned out well, and was a good lesson for both of us.

Brosco

[_ID_]

A very interesting topic, and I have a few opinons on it.

As a Dominant, yes I believe in safe words. Yes I think they should be used.

As far as the particular situations that they would be used in? Well during a regular scene, there would be a need for a dual layer safe word. One for please slow ease the intensity of the activity (such as flogging, or paddling), and one to stop the scene completly due to something that happened during the scene that the submissive felt the need to stop the scene (trouble breathing, or the intensity of pain is too much, or the Dominant does something that wasn't negotiated, and thus breaks the trust that was given at the begining).

In a punishment scene, the use of a safeword is for one simple item. Life preservation, and safety.

In my opinion, it is the job of the Dominant to read the submissives actions, or design a means of the submissive expressing their approach to needing the safeword, this would be used in both a regular play scene, and a punishment scene (from fist to fingers exteneded to show need). This technique can be used in a scene with someone you have never played with before. With very little negotation time.

With that though, if the submissive reaches subspace, and the Dominant does something to bring the submissive out of subspace enough to have the ability to speak and use the safeword. I think that this is a near failure on the part of the Dominant, not the submissive. Unless previously negotiatied that this was going to happen.

V/R
IDCrewDawg

[whippedcream]

I think people should always have safewords.

I think a safeword is a must in any kind of role-playing situation, because it frees the sub up to cry and howl OH GOD NO MORE without having the top misread it. I have had people tell me we don't need a "safeword" per se, but any pleas to stop will be taken at face value. I think that's no fun, because I frequently find myself sqealing NO like a little girl, when in fact I mean exactly the opposite.

I don't like the idea of playing with no safeword under any circumstances, including a punishment scene. Submission and trust are key elements of the dynamic for me, and taking away the safe word eliminates them. You are trusting your partner when you allow him/her to do something that you could (and would kind of like to) stop. If you have no power to stop what's being done, it's not really trust anymore - it's just living with the inevitable.

Of course, a safeword is not a get-out-of-punishment-free card. I think that during punishment a sub loses its right to use a safeword for mere comfort purposes, but if something goes wrong or a sub really feels that the punishment is no longer within the negotiated bounds of the relationship, then the safeword is OK regardless of what kind of scene it is.

[jennyfer]

Thanks everyone, I've really enjoyed reading the responses in this thread. All of you have some excellent points and express them beautifully. When I raised this question in another forum (I wont say where because I'm not trying to be bitchy) it caused a lot of arguments and sadly people took it as an excuse to make personal insults and attacks. Its sad when people can't be accepting of other's opinions, especially BDSMers who are aware of the huge range of differences in people's kinks and fears.
So I just wanted to say how refreshing it is to see none of that here. Although everyone in this thread seems to be of a similar opinion, I'd be interested if anyone out there thought otherwise?

[ghostinthemachine]

My wife and I are new to this but even with our limited experience consider safe words vital in all situations, you just never know. We have 3 different safewords at the moment.

One for all stop. This is for general safety and when used a scene stops instantly and any restraints are removed.

One is for limit reached. We are still learning our limits and what we enjoy so this one means a soft limit is reached. It cant be used to lower pre estabished limits but means we can play safe without needing the all stop safeword.

The final can be used by whoever is the sub (We switch) when they want to raise limits further.

We will probably find the last two are dropped over time but for now means we have a safe fun time.

[Misato36]

My old master used to allow safewords but as the relationship progressed he became more domineering. After a year he longer allowed the use of safe words. If he enjoyed it then my pain meant nothing to him. It was one of the reasons why I eventually left him. I feel that safewords are important. There are some bdsm practices which are not meant for everyone. So they are very important to me.

[the_wanlorn]

Wow. This is an incredibly interesting discussion.

Just like there are hard and soft limits, I have my subs choose a hard and soft safeword.

The "hard" safeword: It means that everything stops now, no-ifs-ands-or-buts. Yes, we can (and generally will) talk about why s/he stopped the scene, but it's over. So is any play for a while.

The "soft" safeword: That one means that we need to take a break and either fix something or negotiate something. I guess that's the more traditional safeword.

I guess that was kind of obvious from the names. There's always a back-up, non-verbal sign that Things Must Stop This Instant. It's something simple like sticking a thumb out, so that hopefully the issue of being in too much pain to do/say something will never occur.

For punishments, s/he can use the soft safeword, but not the hard one. The punishment can be rearranged, changed, whathaveyou, but s/he can't get completely out of it.

I will never ever be part of a scene without my sub having a safeword. And here we jump into Uninteresting Personal Issues territory. Abandom ship while ye still can!

I am shite at picking up social signals. Not shite in the sense that I don't pick up on anything, shite in that I pick up on too much and go into analysis paralysis. When I hear a "no" that really means "yes", I hear the no and the yes, but worry myself into a panic attack that the yes doesn't really exist.

You can see what a problem this is, being a Domme!

When I'm in a scene, or, really, doing anything with people, I turn off all analysis, in a sense. I go with my first instinct, which has about a 50% chance of being wrong.

This also makes me a really crappy Domme in many ways. ;-)

There was a long time (a purely academic time, I must add) where, too me, a safeword was a stop-everything word. I knew that I can't be relied on to determine if my sub meant that s/he wanted to stop everything or that s/he wanted to negotiate something.

That's why I won't participate in a non-safeword scene. I can't trust myself to notice that I'm taking things too far. Yes, it is a problem. Thankfully, most subs are understanding that, even though I can't trust myself, I can trust them to know their limits. I'm not comfortable being involved with anyone who goes too deeply into subspace or gets too emotional to use a safeword for that reason. If I can't trust him/her to voice objections and bringing everything to a halt, then s/he can't trust me, and that's just not good.

[/ramble]

[Ozme52]

Good point, (implied mid-ramble.) The safeword provides for the well-being of the Dom/me as well.

[His_pita]

We have safe words and strongly believe in their importance. I have yet to use a safe word during play. I think of it as more of an emergency word for when something goes really wrong. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet.

I do yell and cry out words like: No, stop it, that hurts, please no more!!!

What happens usually is that my Dom backs off because he knows my words and actions well enough now to know when he is pushing me to hard. Granted there are times when he continues and I take it. Once in a great while I have come close to safe wording, but like many submissives it's not a word I want to have to say.

[heycarrieanne]

I cannot imagine playing without using a safe word. Even when gagged and tied, Master Joseph would always put a red scarf in my hand so I could drop it if I was in trouble. I don't recall ever dropping the scarf but I did use the safe word a few times. As our relationship grew, so did his awareness of how I was reacting to what he was doing and he would stop before a safe word became necessary. He was all about pushing edges though ... and there were times when I did things that I never thought I would and let him do things to me that, looking back, I cannot believe I didn't use a safe word to stop him.

[arwcuw]

As interesting as this discussion is, I can't help but wonder what words people have been using as safewords? Something obvious like "mercy" or "safety", or something totally unrelated like "biscuit"? Or is it a secret? Do you chose a word with special meaning, or just a random word from the dictionary? I know this is all probably up to individual preferences, but I've never actually heard someone say what their safeword is... makes me curious why.

[maddie]

OK, I'll share: My safeword, which I've never had to use, is 'ferret'.

I chose it partly as a joke (it's an inside joke for us from long ago) and partly because it's the type of word that's never, ever going to come up when we're involved in a scene.

There have been a couple of times that I might have used it, but my brain doesn't work so well all the time and I couldn't remember it. Go figure.

[Ozme52]

Some go right to the obvious colors, yellow and red, like traffic lights.

Others use any easily remembered word that won't be blurted out accidently.

"No" and "Stop" don't work well as safewords unless you never ever use them during a scene, even roleplay.

I advise staying away from homonyms. LOL

[KermitsKeeper]

Master Evan and I have a long-distance relationship, primarily through IM, so it can be very difficult for him to know how I am feeling unless I tell him.
Recently we were involved in a scene where he had my body responding so strongly I was struggling to breathe (no gags involved) and couldn't type to tell him. The garbage I sent eventually helped him figure it out, and he called a stop. We discussed it afterwards, and now I have a simple safeword I should be able to type, even in that state. I knew they were important, but realized just how much now.

[buzzy]

I have a fairly sadistic Mistress, who I believe loves me, so a safe word is exactly that. Only once have I used it on an errant strike to low hung area. I do tend to love pain so for mutual pleasure I do hang in there. There are times though when I would think that a safe word or words are benifical for all

[vistana]

For me a safeword is very useful because in a heavy scene I tend to go pretty non-verbal. Explaining that something is wrong would be totally beyond me. A monosyllabic safeword can still take a while to summon up, on the few times I've used mine. It tends to mean more than just 'something's wrong', it's 'something's wrong and you need to bring me back to earth enough to be able to tell you what it is.'

And the other aspect is that I want to be able to say 'no, I don't want that' without being taken seriously. While playing without a safeword and with a previously bruised ass I was asked early in the scene if I wanted him to cane my ass. I didn't want to answer because it wasn't as easy as yes or no. I was feeling somewhat belligerent and not really into the pain. There was no way I could convince myself to say yes. But I didn't really mean the no. Yes would have meant more whacking on my ass than I would have enjoyed, but I didn't want it neglected entirely... but I settled on 'no', and he listened. Which is a good thing when no still means no but I wished that it hadn't, and my 'no' required less consideration. Because being pushed into what I don't really want to do is hot

[buzzy]

like most subs ( i think), I use the safe word as a "safe" word. I happen to like receiveing pain in certain ways and my loving Mistress is a sadistic giving woman. She is very good at changing up at just the moment when I might use one, she off to something else. and I love her for it. The more she enjoys I enjoy, it is the play that stimulates the relationship. She has yet, to punish me, but I feel ( oh god I hope ) she would show the concern then as always