How much have you learnt from others?

[Tojo]

Well I guess it's about time I started a thread....

It occurred to me that from all the time I've spent looking at sites that I've really not learnt that much.

It seems that 99.9% of what I see is like 'Hmm- OK for some, not for me'

I know I'm an arrogant, single-minded individualist- maybe that's why I travel my own road.

How about you? How much have you made up yourself with your partner vs how much you've learnt from others?

Tojo

[Uncle_Ed]

Hi Tojo,

Your question has me thinking that I don't have an original bone in my body! It seems that all I have learnt has come from another person-either in the flesh or from the written word. I do remember fo example reading a mag when I was young about how a woman's body reacts during sex and what a man could do to excite her. Bloody hell-there were all these places to touch, fondle,finger ,suck,squeeze etc etc! I couldn't wait to find out if this advice worked. First girl I went with was impressed-I don't think that she'd read the article.

As for BDSM I have most certainly not come up with anything original. Again it's been from mags. books and then going to clubs and meeting others and going on from there. I can claim that I have adapted ideas and twisted them to my liking-but I suppose then that my particular desires musy be totally mainstream?

In short-I have learned 99.99% from others.

[Silke]

Hiya Tojo and EDMUNDOSLOTH

I guess I'm not really an "original" person in this regard either. Pretty much all I've learned BDSM-wise has come from either reading articles, books or even more so from the people I've interacted with. I'm pretty sure I'd never even discovered most of my kinks if it hadn't been for that input. Not quite sure why that is...either I'm not creative or too shy/scared to find my own way (yet?). And thinking about it...why not learn from other people's experience if your own is so limited?

Then again, the more I learn from others the easier it's becoming to put my own mark on things, finding my own style and being more and more "picky" about who I want to learn from. I have a rough idea where I want to go with my submission and what I need in a dominant partner to bring out the best in me. And probably even more important - where I DON'T want to go.

*giggles* When I reread this last paragraph it doesn't really sound submissive at all, huh? But blindly following along has never been my strength or desire and to balance submissiveness and a healthy self conciousness is important to me...also something I've learned with and from others.

My two cents,

Silke

[Uncle_Ed]

Hi Silke,

Thank God I'm not the only "follower of fashion", I was getting worried for a moment.

I felt that I should pick up on one important point you raised- you are finding out where it is that you want to go and where you don't want.

I am of the firm opinion that a sub especially needs to have a clear game plan. Sure, you can adapt and find new things but for your own safety you have to know your direction. I have seen subs pushed too far too soon and it has turned a good experience into a nightmare. It is said that in an SM relationship it is the sub who wields the power as is the one who can say "NO"

I'm still scratching my head over Tojo's question. I don't think I fully understand it-senior moment Tojo, so please indulge me and let me know if I was on right track

[submissivewife]

Everything I have learned has been through others. My Sir has been the most instrumental with my developing more of my submissive side. The more I interact with him the more my submission surfaces. I love with just a tone change I can switch to sub mode. Learning how much of pain slut I am is all due to what Sir would either have me do or done to me. It has been fun.

Now that I have Daddy, he is teaching more in the little girl submission and thorougly enjoying myself. I didn't even realize I had a little girl in me. (Thanks Daddy)

Eventually, I hope to learn more through a real life Master. So really, I think I will always learn more from someone else. How else does a submissive learn to be what their Master needs them to be?

subwife

[Aesop]

A good question Tojo. I think it depends on how long ago we discoverd the fun perversity living in us. Those of us that found BDSM before the internet rage probably had to be more creative than those lucky folks who discovered it afterwards.

I've learned some things from the internet, but most of my knowledge comes from life with partners. Sometimes I'd just make up something right there on the spot. It's always fun trying to be in control and ultra-confident when walking through new territory. lol

It's not surprising that I've seen the things I thought were my own ideas all over the place since finding the online scene. I mean there are only so many things we can do and if it occurs to me in the middle of a scene it's bound to have occured to somebody else some other time.

[orchid]

an excellent question!
i think that most of what i have learned has been through others for sure, particularly from forums and groups, such as this one. i have known always that i was submissive, before i even knew what it meant. and i knew that i craved being dominated by someone before i even knew there was a term to describe not only that, but that type of relationship.

of course, through trial and error and experimentation, i was able to discover some things on my own with previous boyfriends and such - some light bondage here, a sensory deprivation there - but really, it has been through magazines and online research that we have really grown in this lifestyle together, my Master too as this was all new to Him at the time.

[Tojo]

I think Tojo may have been in a rather cynical mood when he said 99.9% was original content....poor fellow had a tiff with his dream girl.

Anyway- smartypants Aesop hit the nail on the head by saying the Internet hasn't always been around- it was the 60s in Australia when I realised my kink.

Just me, the odd willing girl & a piece of rope. I discovered self-bondage when I was in single digits, discovered the ice release in my teens, & the joys of duct tape soon after.

Not til my late 30s did I realise I wasn't the only person who'd ever tied themselves up, although I discovered HOM magazines & FE Cambell books long before. I've still got Libby Curtis tying herself up in an old magazine....

You guys who discover the scene & can log onto the interet & look at such things as Gromets' site- http://www.grometsplaza.com/ don't need much imagination! It's all there in black & white.

I was thinking also of the fact that so many of 'my' fellow Dom/mes are into a totally different scene to me. It's all far too black & white, I love the sublety, the nuances, the feelings a few words can bring. I like my girls to want to please me, not to punish them for not doing so.

I'm glad I've found a few like minded subs & Doms here, & on other forums.

Hi silke & Ed. Oh there is no 'right track' Edmond, just a few thoughts is fine by me.

Tojo

[Silke]

Hi again

EDMUNDOSLOTH -

I am of the firm opinion that a sub especially needs to have a clear game plan. Sure, you can adapt and find new things but for your own safety you have to know your direction. I have seen subs pushed too far too soon and it has turned a good experience into a nightmare. It is said that in an SM relationship it is the sub who wields the power as is the one who can say "NO"

Thank you for backing me up on this...being submissive and still being responsible for myself at the same time is something that's rather confusing, but I'm getting there. And I agree with you on the point that a game plan is incredibly important. That's one major reason that I'm doing a lot of research and also a reason why I'm trying to learn a bit more about my desires in a safe environment like the Academy.

Reading the other posts I've been thinking...I'd be interested to find out whether the original question by Tojo will be answered differently by subs and the more domly ones. For the doms the answers could probably go either way depending on their own style, unique kinks or as Aesop suggested their access to information. But I'm wondering whether a lot of subs actually entered the scene with clear and uninfluenced ideas of where they want to go and bring those into their relationship. To me, the sheer dynamic of a D/s relationship suggests that the subs will be influenced and therefore will learn from their tops.

Can't wait to see more people posting on this...

Silke

[Brosco]

Like Aesop and Tojo I entered the bdsm world well before the internet and at the time thought I may be weird and the 'only one' doing this shit. Now of course, there is so much info available that newbies no longer need to feel alone and can even research their newfound feelings before the even put their toe in the water. At times I think how my life would have been different if I had all this info available to me when I started, but I also have to consider how exciting it was to explore a whole new world secretly with my partner. I also must consider how I developed my own 'style' without the influence of others. I guess I have to admit there are benefits from both approaches.

There is no doubt that my particular kink I developed over the years without access to information from others. Other aspects that I used as 'tools', such as bondage, were very tame by today's standards, but I can say I did work them out for myself.

With the internet though, a whole new world opened up to me. I found some great ideas to add to my favourite kink, and many many many more tools I could use to enhance it.

I doubt there is a single thing that I do that is original, almost all I do I have seen posted somewhere, so even back then I was never really alone, I just didn't know there were others doing the same.

Brosco

[Ruby]

I doubt there is a single thing that I do that is original, almost all I do I have seen posted somewhere, so even back then I was never really alone, I just didn't know there were others doing the same.

Brosco

What Brosco said. :-)

Though, I put my own "spin" onto things I want to try.

As a good friend of mine once said, "your generation didn't event sex, nor did the generation before it." We can substitute the word "BDSM" for "sex" and it still fits. LOL

As to how much we learn from others versus our own trial and error, I think the Internet has become a great tool for research and sites like this are fantastic for finding like minded people. Especially when location and shyness prevent in-person meetings.

The Internet has had a huge positive impact on my BDSM life. Just the plethora of ideas -- that I wouldn't have come up with on my own, yet are waiting to be tried -- can cause a pussy meltdown when pondered.

[katie_21]

Well Tojo...everything that I've learned has been from you lol. Sites were a great waste of time, so most everything I know is either from forums or from you!

[Tojo]

Well Tojo...everything that I've learned has been from you lol. Sites were a great waste of time, so most everything I know is either from forums or from you!

Glad to be of service Heather- lots more to learn yet.

Looking forward to that......


Tojo

[katie_21]

Look forward to learning more myself Mr. Tojo

[Tojo]

Look forward to learning more myself Mr. Tojo

This day just keeps getting better & better....

Tojo

[submissivewife]

This day just keeps getting better & better....

Tojo

Your having a pretty good day there Tojo.

[Tojo]

Like Aesop and Tojo I entered the bdsm world well before the internet and at the time thought I may be weird and the 'only one' doing this shit

So does that make us 'oldies' more screwed up than the younger ones?

Not sure about that!

Your having a pretty good day there Tojo.

Oh you don't know the half of it subwife.


Tojo

[Jenny123]

I think most things I have learnt from others and I am still learning, I started off having my boobs bound, the one big leap for me was being introduced to chains and being taught I was a sub, and the one comment I do remember was, I think it is time you learnt about pain as he fingered my clitoris.
Jenny

[Warbaby1943]

Better late then never.

As with the majority I have learned most from others. The problem being when I need it the most the Internet, as it is today, was not available. Had it been, it is hard telling what direction my relationship with my wife would have taken. She used to be a little more willing to experiment but those days are over and now I'm just kinky. Learning from pictures may have turned her on.

Lucky generations that have the Internet to teach them along with actual experiences. I believe you can experiment in the bedroom or elsewhere all you want and most likely will not invent anything new so why not put the knowledge of others to work for you.

[GoddessGiana]

I absolutely have learned more from others than from a source like the Internet. When I first became more open to BDSM a couple of years ago, the man I was experimenting with was quite dominant and I basically went with the flow. He taught me much. Since him, I realized how much I craved being "in charge" and the submissive men I met and played around with from then on were instrumental in helping me bring out my dominant side. The interactions I've shared with others have raised my awareness level so much more than what I've read online.

Still, I've also gained a wealth of info from some good books/literature. And more recently I've discovered how helpful forums such as this are on my journey too!

Be well,
Giana

[Putnamcocpl]

When I was 17, I began my first sexpoloration into the kinkier side, with a rather willing woman, who was 7 yrs my senior. Yes she was the first to bring up tying me up, (what a night, she learned the headboard wasnt as strong as she thought) But that first taste led to some reading, and finding the kinky stories as well as magazines ( it was the early 80's). We tried some things, but, I also learned that as fun as kink maybe, Some women arent into it all the time. After that relationship ended, I learned not to rush things, and let my SO take things at thier pace.

When I met my wife, We did alot to broaden her sexual horizons, and adding a little kink here and there worked out great. We enjoyed a great deal, from Vanilla to the spicer side as well.. Then we got our first computer and opened up the windows, and doors to the internet... And I came to findout as much as I thought I knew, and considered my self unshockable... I was Shocked!!

A great deal of what I learned then, I can only compare to losing virginity.. You may think you know the mechanics, but the actual experience just doesnt compare. The info, the pictures, the stories.. The real life sexperiences... THE IDEAS!!!

When I found my way here, and to be honest I dont remember where the link was.. We had talked about, and were trying some BDSM. I signed up and read threads. Unlike the other boards out here on the net, this is more a community than just random threads. I have seen the chat rooms on AOHell, the "bitch Boards", but none give the sense of welcome, and the honest reasoning, that this board does.