Y/your level of protocol?

[_ID_]

I was reading on another form, and found this article. I pretty much agree with the point of view of the Author. Anyone, what do you folks think?

V/R
ID

Artilcle follows here
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CONTROL TOWER
Mistress Manners
by Mistress Matisse

I got an aggrieved little e-mail today, from a novice submissive with whom I'd had some communication--let's call him "Slaveboy." Slaveboy was troubled. The problem was, he said, that I hadn't been "properly dominant" when I talked to him. For example, I hadn't ordered him to kneel on the floor while he was on the phone with me. And when I replied to a previous e-mail, I hadn't observed "typing protocol"--that is, typing his name in lowercase letters, and referring to him in the third person, such as, "slaveboy will telephone THE MISTRESS at this time." Slaveboy was unable to understand these distressing lapses. Everything he'd read about kink online indicated this was what a Mistress was supposed to do.

Oh, Slaveboy, that "supposed to" shit will get you in trouble every time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not terribly interested in what are called high-protocol dominant/submissive interactions. There are some basic expressions of power differential that I enjoy, of course. I like being called Mistress or Ma'am, and I appreciate it when I can see that someone is observing ordinary social courtesies (Is that seat comfortable, Mistress? May I get you something to drink, please, Ma'am?) with a little extra care and fervor for me. But having submissives do a lot of ritualistic forehead-banging doesn't make me wet, so I simply don't bother with it. That's just me, however. If engaging in a lot of heavily stylized behavior is your kink, by all means, pursue someone who shares it. Then the two of you can establish any rules you like.

But don't believe everything you read online. BDSM's growing popularity has led to people inventing complex canons of fetish etiquette, publishing them on websites and insisting that they're the One True Way to be kinky. To me, those sets of rules read like transcripts of Miss Manners and a contract lawyer having phone sex. I'm guessing the inventors spend way too much time in fetish chat rooms W/where E/everyone T/types L/like T/this, because "protocol says" you have to address dominants in uppercase, and submissives in lowercase. I/i T/think T/these P/people N/need T/to G/get A/a L/life.

There are no universal rules for how dominants and submissives are supposed to interact. If high-protocol dominant/submissive relationships turn you on, go for it. But don't assume it's the default mode. I do BDSM for my own kinky pleasure and satisfaction, nothing less. Which means for me, this is the One True Way: exactly the way I'm doing it.

matisse@thestranger.com

This article is taken from this link: http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Content?oid=55984

[MsUther]

I do BDSM for my own kinky pleasure and satisfaction, nothing less. Which means for me, this is the One True Way: exactly the way I'm doing it.

The mail could somewhat have been written by myself. I do enjoy the Master/sir/Mistress bit, and I feel it right to use a capital first letter. But thats about it. And the most important thing to me is to be attentive and normally respectfull.
But thats what I prefer for myself, what other people do is entirely their business.

And the last two sentances said it all, to me.

[cariad]

i am with YOU on this one ID, if YOU will permit this humble sub to both think and post.


My respect for people has no relationship to whether they are dom or sub, but on the qualities they present. I have a personal anti-internet bdsm protocol fetish, although in chat I have seen that using the capitalisation practice helps, as would an easy way of determining if someone is male or female. I think politeness and courtesies should be extended to everyone, regardless of their sexual preference/role.

I notice that the person quoted called themselves a slave, perhaps that is the key. The difference between a slave and sub has been discussed elsewhere, so do not wish to go down that route, but would suggest that perhaps slaveboy, in taking slavery, was wishing to have the security of a tight and clearly defined framework to function within.

When I am in deeply submissive mode, I have had it pointed out to me, that I do sometimes slip into using some of the protocol, but that is as a voluntary expression of my intense emotions at that moment towards my Dom; it is not something which would feel appropriate outside of that situation.


Thanking any DOM/ME who has taken the trouble to read this sub's unworthy thoughts, whilst i crawl off, backwards of course, to find the ground a DOM/ME has walked on so that i may kiss it.

cariad

[chattel69]

If you gain my respect, you will get a Sir or Ma'am out of me but I don't just drop these words because someone has a capital letter at the beginning of their name.

Respect your elders is a protocol I live by... and I mean elders in the sense of those who have already earns their stripes and learned their lessons.

[His_pita]

If you gain my respect, you will get a Sir or Ma'am out of me but I don't just drop these words because someone has a capital letter at the beginning of their name.

Respect your elders is a protocol I live by... and I mean elders in the sense of those who have already earns their stripes and learned their lessons.

This is my stance on the topic as well. I prefer to treat people as people. Plus, I am only submissive to one and everyone else gets my respect if they deserve it.

[maddie]

The whole capitalization thing bugs me to no end. Respect is earned and, sure, I'm happy to call a Dom "Sir" when I feel he's earned my respect, but please don't expect me to grovel.

There have been a few instances in chat when somebody has come in and expected people to refer to them as Sir or Ma'am without me even really knowing who they are. I'm sorry, but the only person I'm obligated to call "Sir" is my husband and only when we're "playing". If you get a "Sir" or "Ma'am" out of me in chat or on the forums, it's usually because it's been earned *and* I'm joking around.

I respect that there are people out there so into this that they get off on the capitalization thing and that's great. But the people who get their panties in a wad about it are, IMNSHO, taking this all far too seriously. It's supposed to be fun.

[dzire2pleeze]

cariad...you crack me up.

[her_Joe]

A remarkably head-nodding article. I enjoyed it and, obviously, agreed --

recently we've joined a discussion group locally of folk with long BDSM experience. Protocol, other than social courtesy, is not observed ... except for within the household. In other words, if Pita and I were to observe a particular protocol we would continue to observe it as normal, but others are not expected to treat us as we expect to be treated by one another.

Within this household we do recognize some protocols, as I'm fond of ritual, but they do not involve capitalizing pronouns or kneeling. In real life, who has the damn time to deal with a long list of formalized nonsense just to go about domestic activities?

On the other hand, I'll fight to the death, to paraphrase Voltaire, for your right to do so if you have a protocol fetish. And some do.

hJ

[Timberwolf]

I absuloutely refuse to play the "H/hi E/everyone" game. First of all it's bad grammar is my eyes (technically after all, as a switch if I play along with this, my name is T/timberwolf, and I think that looks terrible).

Secondly and to me far more important, I make a point of never adressing people differently based on whether they are a Dom or a sub, for one simple reason: you aren't *my* Domme or *my* sub, why should you expect to be treated as such? I have no obligation to do this, nor do I even feel it's particularly correct. I treat everyone with equal respect, Dom and sub friends alike: and after all, treat others with respect should be pretty much rule #1 for everyone out there who is trying to have a good time with this thing.

[Tojo]

Yes I'd have to agree with that article. Few things annoy me more than someone who calls themselves a Dom/me & expects all subs to respect them.

I take this stuff very seriously indeed, it's not a game for me. However I don't need to prove my 'worth' to anyone, that's for anyone who sees that side of me to decide for themselves.

As for the W/we Y/you business- I just stop reading when I see that. Good point about switches, T/timberwolf.....

Tojo

[Ruby]

Wonderful article, IDCrewDawg,

Thanks for posting it.

I really liked this line:

Oh, Slaveboy, that "supposed to" shit will get you in trouble every time. Sorry to disappoint you, but I'm not terribly interested in what are called high-protocol dominant/submissive interactions.

cariad -

I'm still laughing. Thank you.

[Ozme52]

Right on Ruby,

Even I don't insist on it... and I have official Letters of Patent.

[Psynymph]

hmm so wait i do this....."hi E/everyone" sort of stuff.....

does that mean nobody is taking me seriously?? or maybe that Tojo's never read any of my posts?

that fact that i follow this protocol is of my own choice. i personally believe it just shows proper respect for other people. as a sub, it pleases me to be typed about in lowercase because it acknowledges my submissive in a very informal way. as far as capatalizing Dom/me's names.....i just think it's a simple way to show respect....if that Dom/me proves to me that i shouldn't respect Them that way....the capilization will cease.

but if i'm willing to do this, i don't think it should be considered a bad thing, something worthy of bashing. i certainly don't take it to extremes. and if Y/your in a personal convo with me and would like me to stop, just ask.

just for the record, i do think slaveboy was wrong to complain to his Domme, especially to go as far as to say She wasn't domming him correctly. obvisously he didn't respect Her for a true Domme and that seemed to be his own fault.

one should never assume things like that. i do the protocol because it's something i personally believe in, but i wouldn't expect other's to do it.

titles like "Sir" or "Ma'am" are reserved ( in my little world) for training and ownership only.

[_ID_]

hmm so wait i do this....."hi E/everyone" sort of stuff.....

does that mean nobody is taking me seriously?? or maybe that Tojo's never read any of my posts?

that fact that i follow this protocol is of my own choice. i personally believe it just shows proper respect for other people. as a sub, it pleases me to be typed about in lowercase because it acknowledges my submissive in a very informal way. as far as capatalizing Dom/me's names.....i just think it's a simple way to show respect....if that Dom/me proves to me that i shouldn't respect Them that way....the capilization will cease.

but if i'm willing to do this, i don't think it should be considered a bad thing, something worthy of bashing. i certainly don't take it to extremes. and if Y/your in a personal convo with me and would like me to stop, just ask.

just for the record, i do think slaveboy was wrong to complain to his Domme, especially to go as far as to say She wasn't domming him correctly. obvisously he didn't respect Her for a true Domme and that seemed to be his own fault.

one should never assume things like that. i do the protocol because it's something i personally believe in, but i wouldn't expect other's to do it.

titles like "Sir" or "Ma'am" are reserved ( in my little world) for training and ownership only.

Im glad you posted, and stood for your belief in what and why you do it. As far as upper and lower case of names. During chat room conversations, where mulitpule people unknown or known to each other the capitalization of the Dom and lower case of the sub as a reference to their role. I can go with that. However to include both upper and lower case letters when addressing everyone. Im not sure that falls under rules of protocol. If it does, I guess I have missed the whole protocol bus. For me if you were to address everyone at once, in a protocol sense you would first address the Dominants of the room, then the submissives, not at the same time.

Thanks for posting an opposing view, I feel it gives enlightenment to those of us who didn't feel the same as you.

V/R
ID

[cariad]

Psynymph, I do hope I did not offend you by my post. It reflected my personal opinion of protocol and not of the people who use it. Your posts clearly show you as someone worthy of respect, and I for one give you that.

cariad

[Psynymph]

lol, no i wasnt really offended.....honestly it just took me by surprise because E/everyone was so adamant in their dislike of this certain thing.

although i'm glad to know you feel that cariad

[MajesticFae]

The capitalization thing annoys me as well. If my Dom made me type in all lowercase, to show my status as a submissive, I'd go crazy. For it, it would probably be an effective punishment. One of my biggest pet peeves in the realm of the internet is those who do not type with proper grammar, capitalization and such. I've always been a skilled typist and not typing with proper things would be a challenge for me.

However, in this realm I am able to contain my annoyance due to the protocol that some deem correct out of respect for the 'status difference' between a Dom and a sub... do I agree with it? No. But if it makes you happy, then by all means do whatever pleases you. =) I do it a bit too, but certainly not to the extremes that some people take it, capitalizing Dom and lowercasing sub. It's a habit I've formed. =)

[Silke]

Hmm, as usual I sit back and shrug, lol. I've developed a frame of mind that's pretty much 'whatever-makes-you-happy-as-long-as-you-don't-force-it-on-others'.

Psynymph - I'm sure they all read your posts anyway ...I'm sorry that the previous posts in this thread have made you feel uncomfortable. It's great to see someone who actually enjoys this sort of protocol speak up and share their own views on this. You're not alone in this preference - I've seen loads of people write this way and nobody has looked down on them as far as I know. If it means something special to you, it should be good enough for us to get over grammatical flinches.

For me personally...it's not an option. That kind of protocol just doesn't do it for me (and thank God, Master doesn't get off on that either, lol). The only thing I've picked up, is that I capitalize 'Master'...because to me it's pretty much a title and isn't limited to the mere term.

Would I try and type weird for my Master? Well, I'd try...and it might even be a fun challenge...but it doesn't mean anything to me, so I'd hope that he'd find it boring or annoying soon enough.

[Lemon_Squash]

IMHO slaveboy is a bit confused about roles....telling a dominant they are not using correct protocol sure sounds like he needs to do a bit of reading...or talking to others re. who gives the commands.

[amber47]

I'm quite new in the "practise" (just under a year), and I find that my master & I cycle in and out of protocol depending on the circumstances (playing, not playing, in public or not, talking about work, etc.) Strict "online" protocol's only when we're talking BDSM. I could see it being handy in a group IM, as some folks've mentioned.

amber47

[Tojo]

I've also read your posts & know you're worth listening to Psynymph.

No offence intended, my aplologies for knocking your beliefs.

Anyone who knows me is well aware I haven't been my usual self lately- not all my posts have reflected the respect I have for my fellow Librarians.

Normally when I reply to posts regarding the Y/you W/we thing, I finish by saying that I'm a little pedantic about capitalising Dom/sub & that could be seen as peculiar.

Stick to your guns Psynymph, I always read your posts- though maybe not every single word....

It would be more correct to have said I stop reading when a post or article starts off with lines of that particular type of speech.

We're all weird anyway- as I said to ID, wouldn't it be boring if we agreed on everything?




Tojo

[annie]

When i was initially trained it was with the use of the C/caps. The use was to signify respect, and actually i have done it so long it is more of a habit now then anything. I see a capped name and i will cap it, the assuption being that they must prefer the cap to be there or they, themselves, wouldn't have put the cap there. If someone tells me the caps aren't important i will attempt to remember that, but no promises!

I also believe though that respect is earned. And that everyone deserves my respect until they prove otherwise, which sometimes doesn't take but a few moments. (When i stop capping is when that person had pretty well lost my respect.)

To me the caps aren't as much an overall issue as subs who call every Dom/me they meet Sir, Ma'am, etc. THAT title is what has to be earned imho.

i can type it either way, although the fact word auto caps "I" when i don't for a business letter is helpful!

Thanks for all of the thoughts on the topic!