The Lifestyle vs. The World: conforming

[Timberwolf]

So lately I've been dropping minor hints here and there to a few of the vanilla people in my life. Nothing major, nothing mind blowing, nothing that "outs" me on its own. Some of the ideas not even directly Lifestyle related. But the response in terms of the closed mindedness involving any idea that isn't from the cookie cutter version of reality has been staggering. I've been among open minded people online enough the last couple years that I'd really started to forget how childish people can become when hit with anything different. So I've been doing a bit of thinking. I've never been that social a person to beign with, and I don't feel the need to be friends with people just because they are there. And quite frankly, I don't like having to bullshit people and pretend to be something I'm not just to avoid rocking them out of their little bubble.

In short, I'm asking myself how much time do I want to spend with some of the vanilla people I know, aside from the obvious need to in certain situations, like at a job or family events.

Conforming sucks and I don't want to do it anymore. I shouldn't have to make an effort to put on a mask just to be around some people. I mean obviously it's not like I want to go around and bludgeon people over the head with "Hey I'm a Lifestyler, wheee", or anything, but the longer I'm in this the harder it is for me to justify dancing around it to myself.

Do others feel that way too?

[Dragon's muse]

i don't consider that Dragon and i are conforming. i wear my eternity collar always. My work associates and his consider me a most unusually respectful and doting "significant other". At a company function of his, one of his co-workers mentioned that he "wished he could get his girlfriend trained that way." (his glass never being allowed to be empty, little things like that). The dynamic of ownership and respect are present no matter who is around. As for the kink elements, who really knows what goes on in someone else's sex life? And would you really want to know?
We have our "pubic names" for each other, to reinforce our in public dynamic. i call him "Love", he calls me "little love".
So while we certainly don't parade it (at least not until we win the Mega million lottery), i do not really feel that we are hiding it either.

Apologies for the ramble.

muse

[Silke]

Hmm, this is a tricky one. Like Dragon's muse I wear my collar 24/7 and it's not as subtle as an eternity collar, lol. So, in a way I'm non-comforming. Yeah, it gets attention sometimes and I suspect some people have a wild guess at why I wear this, but I haven't really confided in anyone of my r/l friends or family - I'm dancing around the subject.

So, I'm in both worlds and I need them both. I wouldn't give my 'nilla friends up for the need to wave 'lifestyle' in front of their faces. I'm very social and there's more to life than this. But yeah, sometimes I want to be able to be more open but fear to do so. It's probably not going to change anything, though...hmm...

I think what I want to find is some balance...to have people stop wondering about some of the weird stuff I do (because they'd already attribute it to something kinky and stop asking, lol)...but I'm not going to reveal this at any cost.

[SheepishJaina]

I dont have any really close friends out there in the nilla world. One of the closest ones has an idea but he thinks its along the lines of handcuffs in the bedroom. I've never been social. Staying at home with a good book and cuddling is my idea of a good time. So i've never really felt that i had to "come out" to those "friends" i do have.

None of my family would understand, aside from my sister. I have a very conservative, religious family.

Ultimately, I would love to be able to live out as a sub and not care who thought what of it. For now, I'll be content to know that it is who i am and be happy with that.

[MrDom]

Yes this is great. Some of my co-workers thinks I am nuts anyway. Because the way I act. I just tell people in the vanilla world. If you don't like who I am don't talk to me. I don't show my lifestyle or wear it like a top hat or anything like that but people just think i am werid lol. Couple people in my family think i am werid and kinky but don't know my lifestyle. But I did have one close co-worker/friend naturally a female who is intrudied and ask me tons of questions why I act the way I act and eventually she figure out I was a lifestyler. Didn't change her mind about me. I also did not lose her friendships because of who I am. Wish more people were like her in the vanilla world but no.



MrDom

[Dragon's muse]

For those "little slips", it helps that most people think i can be a bit of a smart azz. So, if i slip and say "Yes, Sir!", i just add a snappy salute and heel click.

[cadence]

While I don't consider myself an expert on the lifestyle I do believe that I have been in situations similar to yours.
I do consider myself an antisocial person, but the friends I do have are close to me and do tend to value any opinions that I have.
I have not outed myself to anyone, but at times I have given out tidbits of information that have left others confused and slackjawed.
There are friends who like a colorful conversation, and yet there are others who do not understand why I do not want to talk about getting married and having babies...etc....
I believe, and this is my own opinion, that people in this lifestyle tend to think outside of the box and are far more open in thier opinions of what they want and believe compared to that of Vanilla's who tend to think of what society wants them to think, or maybe they are just designed that way.
So to sum up my point of view, people who I have to be careful with and have to conform to, I tend to stay away from, they are not worth my time nor my effort. The people who do not mind my different views and opinions are the ones I want to get to know and keep around.
And the people in the BDSM lifestyle who accept me for who I am are priceless.

[mina]

Well, we pretty much already stand out in public lol, because of the way we dress/look and stuff… but as for telling people we know about us, it’s harder for me because of my age. Even us having a relationship at all is weird for some people lol, especially if they know the age I was when we first got together, and that I live with him…

From some of the things I told my best friends awhile ago, even though they try to act like they understand now, they think I’m in some abusive controlling relationship. Although, I do have one friend in real life who recently confessed an interest in BDSM to me, and after I told her about us she was completely intrigued.

[_ID_]

I haven't directly said "I am into BDSM" to anyone I socialize with at work. I have no off work people I associate with, as I just dont care to spend the time to do so. I recenlty got a nickname from some of the people i worked with cause I was looking through a harbor freight catalog that I gotten in the mail, well they had a "decrotive ball & chain" for sale. I commented that I would enjoy having it, and so now they call me Chains. Over the course of the years some of them figured out what I am into, and have asked questions about where to buy stuff, where to learn more, where to meet people. I freely give this information out.

I don't hide who I am for anyone excpet my family, they are just too religious and conservitive to be able to even understand. Aside from them, I don't hide it, but I also don't run around with a banner that screams what I am into.

V/R
ID

[chromedome11]

Timberwolf, how would you feel if someone tried to convert you to their religion?
How would you feel if someone tried to shove their politics down your throat?

No one's forcing you to embrace their lifestyle. Why do you want to impose yours on them? You need to determine the source of your insecurity.

You are welcome to live whatever lifestyle you want independent of anyone else in society. However, you might be very lonely doing this.

The reason you feel the need to conform in the vanilla world is you want what the vanilla world has to offer. Starbucks, ipods, cars, cell phones.

I say live and let live. Outing yourself may serve some inner need which you haven't articulated, but my bet is the fallout will be a higher price than you want to pay.

[Aussiegirl1]

I have recently let one friend know, and she is still kind of digesting the information, though I know we will still be friends. I have also been someone, who while I love spending time with friends, don't need to be around people all the time. In fact, I love my alone time!

TW, I can see where you are coming from though. It is hard to keep up a front, but I guess that is what most of us has to do. I could never let anyone at work or in my family know. It has been so wonderful though, to be able to be myself here. I am learning so much about myself and my feelings, which is crossing over to being happy in other parts of my life too.

I guess what I have noticed though, is that I have to be careful not to say everything that is on my mind, like I can here. That does take some getting used to!

[Timberwolf]

"No one's forcing you to embrace their lifestyle. Why do you want to impose yours on them?"

I don't want to "impose" mine on them. I never said I did. I just wish it to be accepted enough that I don't have to hide who I am from people who think they know me. Two very different things. But really I don't expect it to happen, it just... bothers me that it's that way. If someone tried to tell you that just *talking* about your religion, or your political party of choice, was so taboo that it was generally socially unaceptable, that would bother you to, yes?

I conciously try and accept people for who they are. But I know due to being a Lifestyler, getting that in return is not easy. The lifestyle is more than handcuffs and paddles, it's an entire way of thinking about yourself, and the people around you that can't help but impact the way you view, well, just about everything.

"The reason you feel the need to conform in the vanilla world is you want what the vanilla world has to offer. Starbucks, ipods, cars, cell phones."

Well, actually no, not really. First of all I can get material stuff regardless of my lifestyle choices, and secondly material wealth means extremely little to me. Which is precicely why continuing to do my best to blend in is proving such a strain.

I can blend in with the best of them. I'm just saying, I don't like having to do it, and I wish it wasn't neccesary. Our society talks a great deal about tolerance but doesn't do much of anything to back up those words with action.

[shins]

Conforming sucks and I don't want to do it anymore. I shouldn't have to make an effort to put on a mask just to be around some people. I mean obviously it's not like I want to go around and bludgeon people over the head with "Hey I'm a Lifestyler, wheee", or anything, but the longer I'm in this the harder it is for me to justify dancing around it to myself.

Do others feel that way too?

TW, I know where you are coming from. I live in the Southeastern US in the middle of the bible belt, and I am definitely in the minority here. The lifestyle, while it does exist, is secretive, and most practitioners have to remain in the closet. Failure to do so would probably result in being placed in the "10 most needy of salvation list" at all the local churches. Angel moved here from a large northern city, and its hard for her to adjust to the mindset that the community has. For instance... the collar. She is accustomed to wearing it in public. It is so commonplace where she came from. People wear collars openly there, and its even considered a clothing accessory without association to the lifestyle. Here, dogs are the only pets with collars. I've had to restrict her wearing it in public because of the unwanted attention. My clients, friends, and family frequent the same stores as us, and unfortunately, we would be condemned by all the above if they knew.

Our solution...we're moving. It's not the ideal move at this stage. I'm a self-employed professional and my clientelle requires that we stay 'nearby', but we don't have to live in the city. We're moving to a more desolate area so that, at least in the privacy of our own home and premises (*rubs hands together Mr. Burns style thinking about outdoor playtime*), we will be free to experience the lifestyle openly without concern of friends and family dropping by to say hi. I mean, it hasnt happened yet (angel has only been here 1 month), but just picture this:

Ball gag is in place, ropes are securely bound, she was recently hoisted toward the ceiling and left to touch the ground with her tippytoes. The flogger and riding crop have blushed her skin for a few minutes and then...."Dingdong" My mom drops by to say "I was just in the area and thought I'd stop in for a moment...."

I kinda got off topic a little with that, but the point is, this society does not and will not ever accept who we are, so I'm getting to the point of disassociation. Having angel here with me is making me realize that I'm quite content to spend my time with her as opposed to trying to fit in with vanilla society. So while I wish that I could share who we are with the vanilla world, the reality is we would experience more grief than satisfaction by 'coming out'.

[fantassy]

I think what Chromedome might be saying, is why should the vanilla world know the details of your relationship. There is no reason one cannot show non-sexual generally dominant or submissive behavior out in the vanilla world. Is is really necessary to lead a sub around by a leash ? Why not lead her by the elbow? Looks solicitous to the vanilla, but is still controlling. Even most in the vanilla world modify their behavior in public to create the impression they desire to create. If you truly don't care what impression you make, you pretty much can behave however you want provided you are not breaking a law. So it is not the vanilla world that is forcing you to hide, it is your own desire to blend in. And there is nothing wrong with that.

fantassy

[Jaeger]

I always enjoy letting little things slip in conversation. Remember when you were young, and would maybe hear a sexually themed joke but not understand it?

Sometimes I'll mention little terms and phrases, that most Vanilla folks won't understand, just to see them nod and smile because they haven't a clue.

It's great fun. I call other people Vanilla sometimes, and they usually have no idea what I'm talking about, and even if they do it tends to bring a laugh rather than a frown.

In my experience, people who don't agree with the lifestyle don't know enough about it to pick up on little phrases and nuances.

[Ozme52]

I always enjoy letting little things slip in conversation. Remember when you were young, and would maybe hear a sexually themed joke but not understand it?

Sometimes I'll mention little terms and phrases, that most Vanilla folks won't understand, just to see them nod and smile because they haven't a clue.

It's great fun. I call other people Vanilla sometimes, and they usually have no idea what I'm talking about, and even if they do it tends to bring a laugh rather than a frown.

In my experience, people who don't agree with the lifestyle don't know enough about it to pick up on little phrases and nuances.

Slick idea Jaeger.


(I remember the first time I saw Goldfinger... and didn't understand the Pussy Galore reference. LOL)

[caged]

It is true that we need not lead one another around on leashes in public, and thus don't need to expose our sexuality that way.

However, if you want to invite people into your home, it can be a dilemma - do you hide the books/DVDs/cage/etc?

And for me, the biggest issue is in being a stay-at-home slave. Friends and family all find it very odd that I should be a 'househusband' when we have no children, and assume that I will be looking for work sooner or later.

Still, I personally recommend 'coming out' to anybody to whom you feel close enough. It's remarkably liberating.

[Timberwolf]

It's not even that I want to walk around being led on a leash in public. Though I wouldn't mind wearing a collar for my woman.

But, for example, I've got all this writing I've done. I've shared most of it here on this site. It's become an important part of my journey in the lifestyle and I plan to continue with it for the forseeable future. But I can't show it to my family, or my friends outside of the lifestyle, without being labelled a pervert by a very big number of them (knowing these people as I do). So now if they ask what I've been doing, I have to bullshit people and tell them something that isn't true, and I don't like that, but there's really not much of anything that can be done about it. I can't even tell them I've taken up writing at all, since this is what I write about, and it's an inevitable jump that if I bring up the entire idea of me writing (which I haven't been doing in the past) that eventually people are going to dig into what it is. And in my family, I have a pretty good idea what they'd think of a lot of my work. So there's one example of the kind of thing I guess I'm talking about.

It's not like I expect it to change, I just needed a place to rant about the fact it's there at all. Thanks to the forum for being there to listen.

[Flaming_Redhead]

(((HUG)) We're always here to listen. The only 2 people I've told about what I'm into is my best friend since high school whom I've known for almost 20 years and my cousin. My cousin doesn't really understand, but she doesn't judge it to be a bad thing. My best friend, on the other hand, I found out is very interested in it herself and has also been experimenting. I guess we're more alike than I realized!