curious ramblings

[karin]

i am...curious about some things..and wonder if anyone else is having similar issues. i am a rt live in submissive. we are married...we met on collarme.com...He was relatively new to the lifestyle..i wasn't. but that wasn't important to me. anyone who is driven can learn anything. and he was clearly dominant by nature. now, after four years of being together..and 3 years of marriage..things have turned rather...vanilla between us. who is to 'blame'? both..neither. whatever. life happens. trash needs to be taken out. dog needs to be walked. bills need to be paid. did we become..complacent perhaps? the collar that i wear 24/7 that is locked around my throat has become a piece of jewelry in many ways. the symbolism somehow..lost in the reality of daily life. we discussed this last night...i am frustrated..i want/need/crave more. but our D/s has crumbled so far, that i wonder if it is possible to get it back. make no mistakes...i am deleriously happy with this Man. i love him with all my heart and soul, and would never...leave him because of this. we are committed to 'us' and our marriage. but...i feel..empty in 'that' place. its not about the 'play'..its about daily D/s. i dont' need to be micromanaged. i am quite housebroken...cooking, cleaning, laundry...all that is done without a second thought. but what now? where do we begin again? and can i.....feel like that towards him again...? i dont' at this point. i love him. he is my best friend. he is my confidant. he is perfect in every other way. i'm just not sure we can get 'that' back again...

[Tojo]

You say you discussed it karin- may I ask what came out of that?

Obviously it's something you have to work out together- if you both care for each other you'll do whatever it takes.

3 years is not long enough to lose your zing in any relationship.


Tojo

[karin]

well..nothing has really come of it. He is at a loss about how to deal with this....and looks to *me* for advice...i'm the submissive. i cannot tell him how to be a dominant. i have offered suggestions in the past that were not acted upon. and our 'relationship' as such is not in trouble at all. we love each other very much....its the D/s part of it that has gone by the wayside. i had a few surgeries...which put 'things' on hold. but since then, we've been kinda..stuck in that pattern. we do things together..travel, shop, walk..talk...like any other couple. we just don't have...um...well. the D/s thing going on anymore ... i'm june cleaver in the house...which is fine. but i seek more. what, exactly? not sure. i guess i just want things the way they were in the beginning of 'us'...

[lily27]

I haven't been in this type of situation. But I have certainly been in vanilla relationships that have lost its zing.

It sounds like you both are willing, so I would bet you just both need to relight the flame. Devote a weekend to getting back on track. If you have kids...send them off to Grandma's house.

There are lots of things you can do to get the creative juices flowing. Watch some movies....read a book or two....check out the Yes Master deck in the forums. Talk about things you used to do that made you hot (not in a "how come you never do ______ anymore??" kind of way....but a "Remember when we ______ that made me cum sooo hard" way). Exchange fantasies.

If you really work at being in full-on submissive mode for 48 hours, and he does the same as a Dom, you will probably fall right back into it.

Turn off the phone. Spend the entire weekend as just the two of you, reconnecting with these sides of yourself. It is no different than a vanilla couple having to take time to reconnect sexually.

I hope everything works out, and I wish you both the best.

[~hellish one~]

I haven't been in this type of situation. But I have certainly been in vanilla relationships that have lost its zing.

It sounds like you both are willing, so I would bet you just both need to relight the flame. Devote a weekend to getting back on track. If you have kids...send them off to Grandma's house.

There are lots of things you can do to get the creative juices flowing. Watch some movies....read a book or two....check out the Yes Master deck in the forums. Talk about things you used to do that made you hot (not in a "how come you never do ______ anymore??" kind of way....but a "Remember when we ______ that made me cum sooo hard" way). Exchange fantasies.

If you really work at being in full-on submissive mode for 48 hours, and he does the same as a Dom, you will probably fall right back into it.

Turn off the phone. Spend the entire weekend as just the two of you, reconnecting with these sides of yourself. It is no different than a vanilla couple having to take time to reconnect sexually.

I hope everything works out, and I wish you both the best.

good ideas, lily! i was just about to suggest the Yes Master deck as well!

here is the link straight to the "Yes Master" thread : http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/forums/sh...as+Master+deck

good luck karin!

[karin]

thank you all. our 'zing' isn't gone, per se..its just...sleeping LOL all very good suggestions...and i thank you for taking the time to read and answer thoughtfully...

[annie]

thank you all. our 'zing' isn't gone, per se..its just...sleeping LOL all very good suggestions...and i thank you for taking the time to read and answer thoughtfully...

Sounds in a way like the problem is what happens with every couple at some point and time... be it vanilla or D/s couples.

From what i read at least it appears as though the "romance" is missing. karin knows what chores need done and does them. ID knows how to meet the physical needs. But... what about the subtle little things that used to happen? Do those still happen? Little things that show that one is thinking of the other at various times? Calling/emailing her out of the blue and adding a bit of spice... such as "clamp and cum in two minutes." Or writing him a note (or researching a new level of kinky) and emailing/calling him and begging for it to happen?

This may be happening all ready... i couldn't tell one way or the other from the posts. But, if not, that extra bit of attention may be what is missing. Always discussing everyday things gets mundane and takes out the "zing" quickly.

Just a thought!

[fantassy]

It sounds as if Karin's ability to anticipates ID's needs have made things a bit routine. Perhaps the tasks ID leaves should focus on serving him in less obvious ways. On laundry day, Karin's task could be to spend the day at the spa pampering and preparing her body for ID's pleasure, perhaps with somethings specified - nail color, bikini wax, etc. Another task could be for Karin to write down any submissive desire she had during the day, which ID could file away to act on at another time. If ID has lunch at a specified time each day, he could leave a standing order for Karin to masterbate to the edge at that specified time so that he can think of his pussy at that time.

Intersperse the exotic with the mundane. When the daily task is cleaning out the refrigerator, pin a note with some explicit instructions on what to do with a zuccini. Think of tasks that have no purpose other than Karin is doing them because ID told her to. Example, every time she goes to the bathroom, she must stop and restart peeing at least three times to demonstrate ID's control of her. Just little things to make Karin feel that she is not just cleaning the house because it needs to be cleaned. She's cleaning it in the nude to remind her of her submission.

fantassy

[Echoes]

ID, I don't really know you but I have seen some of your posts and think you to have a loving, insightful, intelligent mind and be of person...karin from your posts, I think you to be wonderful and loving and so open.
I have nothing to help here, everyone here has said anything I could think of and much more...but you are right when you say it does show how everyone here pulls together to help, it surprises me yet it doesn't for the love for each other can be felt in everyone's words and how much they do to smile and touch others continually.
This will work because the two of you want to work through this and your love for each other, your communication and honesty.
warmest hugs for you both

[Ozme52]

Maybe it hasn't changed at all... but you (and he) have... But now after 4 years... you need more, or a shake-up, something introduced into the mix that rekindles the initial rush. All relationships go through these times where the fire smolders and something is required to stir the coals.

Have you thought about maybe... "resisting" him... make him work for your submission... which will make him stretch his dom-muscles to retame you... and will make you feel "newly" submissive as he does so.

Have you thought about exploring some soft (or hard) limits you left untouched the first time around.

Have you thought about involving a third party, if not in r/l... perhaps a "guest-director"...

[lily27]

*squirms at Oz's suggestions*

[karin]

*squirms at Oz's suggestions too* yes....perhaps you are right. 'we' have changed. become lazy in our roles. resistance doesn't really work with us. i've tried that upon occassion and been met with a shrug of the shoulders. He isn't an aggressive Dominant. figures if i dont give it..He can't make me. (which is, as we all know..too true) He won't fight for what He believes should be His in the first place.

and play, per se, isn't an issue. we play. not frequently, but when we do it is always amazingly wonderful. so limits are essentially a non-issue too. i would do whatever He asked in that area.

a third party *ponders with a grin* any volunteers?

[Ozme52]

*squirms at Oz's suggestions too*

...

a third party *ponders with a grin* any volunteers?

[_ID_]

Ok so to a little background.....

I am a mechanic, highest formal education achieved is high school. I believe I have an average intellect. She on the other hand is near genius. Don't remember the score she got, but I know it was dammit high. I am not ashamed of who I am where I came from or what I might be able to accomplish due to my education level.

So onto the D/s side of things. When we met, I was new, and by new I mean I had no toys, never been to any events, never actually met or talked with anyone who was into BDSM. I knew what I wanted, and sought it out. She was the first and only person to respond to any searching I did. I am very happy that she did, and figure it must be some sort of fate that I didn't get any other responses. I learned what I have learned mostly from reading, and instruction from her.

There was a thread on here about what kind of domination do you do. I responded with physical domination, and explained why. Many of the responses that others used were mental domination. This to me presents a problem, for me at least. Since she is able to out think me, knows me so well that she can predict what I would like to do when. How does one achieve dominance with a person who is so much smarter than you?

When we play, I am able to give her a great time, I am quite skilled in that department now. Its the time between play that is causing the problem.

V/R
ID

[Ruby]

ID and Karin,

Life can easily get in the way of all that exciting playtime that used to be between the two of you.

And yet, there are things that submissives often crave, that feeling of being owned, of being praised for a job well done, that can be a key part of as successful D/S relationship.

I recommend reading "The Slave". It's a stand alone book in the Market Place Series by Laura Antoniou.

For Doms, it provides a wonderful insight into the mind of someone seeking D/S 24/7.

For subs/slaves and even those of us who call ourselves pets, it's one of those "ah ha" reads. Yes, yes, that's what I want. Or no fracken way, we'll skip that, thank you.

It's excellent food for thought and discussion.

Karin,

Have you thought about rituals or tasks above and beyond the daily chores of living that would help keep you in the D/S mode you crave?

ID

Are you willing to take the time to provide the those things?

Both of you,

The mental part of D/S is where much of the zing and satisfaction can happen. The anticipation of an upcoming scene, the thrill of doing "submissive tasks" for the dom, the pleasure the dom receives and rewards given can all add a bit more spice to the couple's part of your life.

I also agree with other suggestions. Get out there and spend some alone time. Put the kids to bed or send them out of the house with a sitter and start "dating" again.

It might even be time to pull out one of those checklists and talk through it together. You may not finish the discussion one session, cause "play happens".

All the best on taking your relationship to the next level and keeping the fire burning,

Ruby

[karin]

bottom line, ID. i love you. more than anything. and we are solid as a couple, a unit...a family. i love being yours...in marriage or whatever. its just that simple. i do..have 'needs'..i don't know what they are at this point. so its hard for me to tell you ... although i have thought about it long and hard, there is no definitive answer. perhaps i'm selfish. perhaps i should just cherish what we DO have rather than mourn what we don't. and i do, actually...you are..my best friend. and that...is more important that papers, rings and collars in my book.

[karin]

thank you ruby. that was very insightful of you, and i appreciate you taking the time to respond. fortunately, we don't have children to impede us. but in answer to your question to me...yes i have. we had that once. where he would leave me a list of things to accomplish during the day before he got home from work. i liked that...gave me something to do 'for him' and for me. put me in a better submissive frame of mind. we both knew early on, we didn't want me crawling around behind him on my hands and knees 24/7. we both knew i didn't need micro-management of my day. i know what has to be done daily, and just do it. with or without prompting. so i guess that was redundant for him to leave lists..it fell by the wayside. its just so much more than the play. as i'm sure you understand. the play we have is fantastic. the stuff fantasies are made of. and for that i am truly grateful. for HIM..i am truly grateful. i hope i don't sound whiney or 'princess-y'..its not my intention. i am seeking insight and suggestions..all of which have been valid. and welcome.

thank you all again

[lily27]

"I am a mechanic, highest formal education achieved is high school. I believe I have an average intellect. She on the other hand is near genius. Don't remember the score she got, but I know it was dammit high."

ID, love....give yourself a shake. Everything that you post on here is insightful and wise. I don't believe for a second that you are incapable of getting into your subbie's mind.

All it takes is for you to believe it.

[_ID_]

karin - I know you love me, I have no doubt about that fact. I love you as well. All that we have, all that we had, all that we will have. I cherish each and every item. The ring on your finger, the collar on your neck, the legal portion of our relationship that makes us Husband and wife. Each of those things bring substance to the whole of us.

To the question of rituals. As she stated she knows what needs done. So for me to say "do the laundry today" is just treating her as if she didn't know better, and I find that to be disrespectful of her intellect. So then what types of ritualistic activities might I dream up? paint the house? No, not something I want to happen, nor would I ask her. That would be a guy thing dontcha know. So then what ritualistic activity? Mode of dress? I don't know if chores are the best choice of something that would help redefine our D/s. Having her wax the floor is laborious, and she isn't fully recovered to do something that intensive. Having her crawling about the house on hands and knees isn't something that would be beneficial to our relationship. Unless of course I was home, and had her on a leash.

Ruby, thanks for the post, and to everyone else. I welcome the suggestions, and comments. Perhaps I will get this straightened out.

*goes to look up the book "The Slave" as suggested*

V/R
ID

[Ozme52]

So then what ritualistic activity? Mode of dress?
ID

I've said this before in other threads... and quite frankly, it works.

Why not include some position practice. An hour on her knees in two or three poses... prior to you coming home will make her squirmy and anxious for your return. Wouldn't it be nice to walk in the door and have her there waiting, hot, wet. She could take off your shoes... socks... remove your clothes, rise and lead you to the bathroom for a shower or bath... bathe you.

Dinner... why not celebrate the holidays early... I'm talking about Steak and a Blowjob Day of course....

Then go out for drinks or a movie... which brings you to mode of dress. Use a jar and pick... so she won't know until just before you leave... Prim and proper? Slutty? Heels or boots? Nylons or bare? Short skirt or long with a slit.

I'd be willing to make a small wager... she's growing hot right now...

In fact.... karin, here's a ritual for you..... Next time you go shopping, put on some boots and slip a clothespin onto the top inside calf of your boot... I'll PM Dawg later and will tell him what to do with it later.

Oz

[karin]

lily..he's one of the smartest people i know. *for the record* He berates himself a lot for *in his own mind* his shortcomings. i see Him as just about as perfect as anyone can be.

[lily27]

"lily..he's one of the smartest people i know."

Now that....I don't doubt for a second.

I am sure that the two of you will be able to get past this. All it takes is willing hearts, which you both clearly have.

[karin]

that's true lily. i felt odd bringing something so personal to a public forum...but i also know that many people who read and post here have real experience with this..ie Ruby. perhaps there are others who might, once this is all said and done, learn something from all the generous people who have responded as well. as i have, and still am..as He is..and still is. this may seem odd to some, that we are 'talking' to each other via a message board, but i personally find it easier at times to write than to speak. as a submissive, i can't always freely express myself to him verbally....i feel 'freer' in writing to open up. i mean..He's sitting *points* right there...~L~ but...i guess it happens to us all..sometimes, during 'conversations'..people get upset..emotional...things get blown out of proportion and context. here, in writing..i can temper that more. and hopefully be 'heard' by Him.

[Tojo]

How does one achieve dominance with a person who is so much smarter than you?

Well I don't know diddly squat about physically dominating, but I don't believe you need to be able to outthink someone or be smarter to dominate them.

I sure as heck don't think I'm any smarter than any of my girls- one of them can run rings around me, despite being much younger. Yet the D/s play we did was was like nothing either of us had ever experienced.

I'd venture to suggest that being a Dom is not about being 'better' in any way than a sub. I'm in awe of anyone who can give themselves to another, to essentially trust their life & well-being to someone else.


Tojo

[learningtopleez]

karin and ID,

I don't have any suggestions for you two, just a lot of love and support in knowing you will work this out! The love you have for each other shines through in your posts, and I wish you both lots of fun, kinky D/s to keep ya going! And I can't wait to find out karin, what you had to do with that clothespin! *grin*

huggles to you both

[_ID_]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions. I will do some thinking about them, and post my thoughts later.

ID

[cariad]

ID you observe that Karin is very bright, yet the routine tasks which she mentions are generally physical and mundane. How about setting her tasks which demand that she uses her mental abilities.

For example you could set her a task which required her to prepare an evening's entertainment for you which centered around a particular style of dress - taking Oz's idea of

Use a jar and pick... so she won't know until just before you leave... Prim and proper? Slutty? Heels or boots? Nylons or bare? Short skirt or long with a slit.

and slightly turning it on its head, or you could choose a theme, or a piece of music or a picture which she has to develop it from.

Give her a week to work this out, with all details being kept completely hidden from you, I am sure that will raise both your levels of expectation.

Think about the evening in the same you would prepare for a major themed dinner party - so she would work out every element of the atmosphere, lighting levels, scents, music, food, a performance to entertain you, a selection of toys with suggestive creative ways, within the theme, of how you could use them on her... I am sure you get the idea.

cariad

[karin]

wow..slightly overwhelmed by everyones concern and support...*takes a breath...opens a new browser and begins to respond*

annie said: Calling/emailing her out of the blue and adding a bit of spice... such as "clamp and cum in two minutes." Or writing him a note (or researching a new level of kinky) and emailing/calling him and begging for it to happen?

well YUMMY...that sounds great. i like those ideas a lot..thank you

fantassy said: Example, every time she goes to the bathroom, she must stop and restart peeing at least three times to demonstrate ID's control of her.

YES..something like that would be perfect. that's exactly what i seek. the small daily reminders of what our relationship was founded on.

echoes: thank you for your kind and supportive thoughts...the love we have for each other is unwavering. it makes me all warm and fuzzy to know that it shows..thank you

Oz: oh my....*just squirms...trying to peek over ID's shoulder at the pm*

Tojo: exactly. its got nothing to do with educational levels. ID reads. a lot. His education may not be 'formal' but it is ongoing. daily. i am so proud of Him and His desire to grow, as a human being, a husband, a friend and a Dominant.

learning: thank you for your words. and i had no luck in reading the pm about the clothespin. darn it. but will let you know when/if it happens *grin*

in closing: again i want to thank each and every one of you for your support and wisdom. i so enjoy reading other peoples ideas, and finding a way to tweak them so they 'fit' us. my life with Him is perfect in every other way. but my soul craves the dominance He once had over me. i am so very lucky to wear His collar...and i know there are so many who seek what we have. i feel fortunate to be owned/married/loved by Him...

as He reads everyone's posts...He asks me "what do you think about.....?" "what do you think about..........?"....that is part of the problem. don't ask me! just DO it! i dont' want a lot of input here..that's the whole idea, ID...to have 'options' removed. to do things cuz YOU want me to ... not cuz i want to or don't want to...i know you are trying to be considerate...but STOP that LOLOL don't ASK me if Oz's idea appeals to me....just DO it and find out...

i love you ID... and my warmest wishes and thanks go out to all our 'friends' who have, and are....showing great concern and support...

[learningtopleez]

learning: thank you for your words. and i had no luck in reading the pm about the clothespin. darn it. but will let you know when/if it happens *grin*

Taking this piece of information, I think I will take her shopping within the week. We have an accessory that I am going to bring along. Should make for an interesting trip.

*grin* Sounds like it's definitely gonna happen sweetie! And I can't wait to hear all about it!

[karin]

ooh cariad..interesting. and how did this work for you? i assume you've done this...would love to hear about it to get more ideas!