my journey

[tessa]

At the suggestion of one I now consider to be a friend, I am going to occupy this bit of space and share my story. A story that is just beginning. One that may encourage others in the same way I have been.

Once upon a time, there was a subbie named...oh, let's call her "tessa". tessa was a highly frustrated submissive living the vanilla life. She fretted and bemoaned her plight until a few very wise souls asked, "have you tried doing anything about it?" tessa felt pretty foolish indeed as she had not done much about it, except to stay a might too angry at her Prince Charming for being guilty of the horrible evil of being completely unaware of her true (but hidden away from him) nature. So heeding the advice of the noted wise ones, she spun the straw into gold, kissed the icky frog, loved the Beast (or feel free to choose your own favorite fairy tale moment). Turns out Prince Charming is very fond of a few freaky kinks himself. And the glass...erm, well not a slipper, for sure...well, it fit just fine!

Now it may sound as if I'm being less than serious. Believe me, I am not. For almost 15 years I tried to suppress these submissive feelings inside me, tried to drown out the subbie voice screaming at me all the damn time. I was miserable. I hate admitting that because I truly do adore my husband and he is a wonderful man. It's not his fault I chose to suffer in silence. And for a long time, it seemed so incredibly selfish to want kinky instead of a vanilla marriage. As I matured in my thinking (still have a long way to go, but getting there), I came to understand that it wasn't about kinky sex. It is all about who I am as a person. All of us are unique. We all have different preferences. Some can easily be set aside for the sake of this or that. But who we are at our very core cannot be neatly packed away and forgotten. There will be consequences if that occurs. While my husband knew about my sexual desires, even enjoyed indulging in a very few of them with me, I blamed him for what I felt was missing, that he wasn't Dominant...or so I thought.

One night after, umm well, indulging I was feeling especially connected with him...a real rarity. And something just prompted me to spill my mind out all over him (oh yeah, it was that subbie voice screaming, "JUST SAY IT!!!"). Even though I've been with him almost 20 years, trust him more than any other human in the universe, love him enough to put my body through 9 months of sick and sicker so we can raise a beautiful child together, despite all that, I hesitated to actually say the words "submissive" and "Dominant" to him. But sheer need overcame my fear, so I looked him right in the eye that night and told him just what I craved.

Now, I would dearly love to say that he took me in his arms and proceeded to tie me up and flog me to exhaustion. But I can't. I got very little in way of a response from him that night. And I felt a great sense of defeat. Here I'd gone and put myself out there, and for what??? But I knew he loved me right back, so I shook off the anger and disappointment and went searching for the magic spell that would turn my vanilla husband into my prince of a sadistic Dom.

Well, I didn't find a spell, but I found this place. And I met minx ~gives her a BIG hug~ who encouraged me in so many ways. And she helped me get advice from some wonderful people who said "talk to him again and be specific". So I did. And what do you know? It actually worked. We are discussing our marriage in terms of D/s now. Can we say "dream come true"? Oh, I hope we can!

~turns and smiles at all the truly great advice givers...hugs minxy again, hugs Widget, hugs Talia and Sir_to_Mind, hugs annie, hugs TDS, and gives two hugs to Rabbit, 'cause he takes all the hugs he can get~ Maybe you all think what you offer are just words. But to me, they are beautifully vivid colors in my life's picture. I look forward to all of you adding subtle, more intense shading as I move forward.

I would love to be able to thank you all in an incredible way. But all I have in this medium are my words, and as I told minx, I'm not so accomplished with the language to do a proper and deserving thank you justice. So I will just voice my gratitude in the following way, hoping it touches you in the special way I intend.

"And they lived happily ever after..."

[suchaminx]

~HUGS~ tessa

I for one think you have a wonderful way with words ~smiles~

Thank you so much for sharing that with us all. I will always be around and always able to listen.

I wish you ohhhhhhhh what can I say - continued 'floggings' - nope continued love and happiness as you explore with your Prince Charming

~hugs~

minx xx

[Guest 91108]

I'm glad to hear things are looking up. I hope that trend continues for you.

" Happy floggings " ~~ I like that.

[tessa]

I knew I should have made a list.

And to Wolfscout...thank you for helping with the shift in perspective. Made the view ahead more clearly seen.

~mutters to self about writing the important things down~

And there have already been a few "happy flogging" moments already. Hoping the kinkier moments turn into days...and weeks and years.

[Guest 91108]

smiles.

[Miraculix]

I truly wish to add my greatest admiration for your courage to share your story and to express your feelings, and I wish you all the moments to crave for, but not for a moment... rather... for a lifetime, with your Prince Charming

[Rabbit1]

Wonderful love ---glad you shared your story and I am always ready to listen and give you advice if you need it

Hugs

[tessa]

~Hugs for minxy~ Coming from you, your word praise is high praise indeed! Thanks! And thanks for being there for me. ~hugs her again~

Miraculix, it wasn't so much courage as it was trying to give back only a fraction of what has been given. But I will take your wishes anyway. Thanks ever so much!

And Mr. Rabbit, I am soooo glad you made that open-ended offer! ~big hug~ The questions just keep piling up.

[cadence]

Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Your words helped me to see that the mountain I am trying to climb, need not be so daunting as I see it now.

Wishing you both many more happy and exciting years to come!

[tessa]

Thanks so much for sharing your story.
Your words helped me to see that the mountain I am trying to climb, need not be so daunting as I see it now.

Wishing you both many more happy and exciting years to come!

cadence, honestly I thought the mountain I saw in front of me was insurmountable. Lived that thought for too many years. ~hugs~ You will get there just like you want...believe.

And thank you, cariad, for your happy flogging wishes. This community is indeed priceless in its value.

[cariad]

Thank so much for your openess tessa. That is a wonderful story which I know will be an inspiration to many. It is also a wonderful confirmation of the value of this community.

Joining others in wishing you many happy floggings.

cariad

[Widget]

I am so glad that any questions that i answered for you helped you. Please feel free to continue to ask me what you like and enjoy your jorney

[tessa]

Thank you, minxy, for encouraging me to become more. ~hugs~

For all of you out there that wondered just what exactly happened to the girl and her Prince Charming during "happily ever after", please keep reading.

Seems as if the kinky couple face real life issues just like the rest of the vanilla world. In the fairy tale, it was probably something like, "you know, Prince, these shoes kinda pinch my toes a little bit. I think I need some new ones." and he was all "I KNEW it!!! You just wanted me for my fortune!". Life does indeed sometimes come at us. For the kinky couple, it played out as follows:

Picture it, if you will. Real life, real child, real mess. Moi trying to do it all (or at least feeling as if I was) and not thinking my Prince Charming was doing so much to help. So in my vanilla frustrations and not thinking so submissively(steel yourselves, people) I growl out, "could you DO something?!?" in a tone of voice that even to me sounded alien. ~hears the gasps of "oh she didn't!"~ Yes, I did. And it was ugly. In my own defense, rarely does something like this ever occur. I mean it could be more frequent as I am very human, but I have more than a bit of self control when it comes to angry outbursts. I taught for 11 years, so I had to learn. It spilled over into the other aspects of my life, thank goodness. But this time, I slipped...big time.

So?? What happened?? I was wondering when you'd ask me that. Understand my child was right there with us (another sickening feeling that he witnessed that). I went back to the mess and did that little pretend-nothing-happened move. He did something. But the something he did wasn't what either of us wanted. He helped with the mess. He was disappointed and a tad angry. I was disappointed and a tad angry. After all, weren't we supposed to be on this grand BDsM adventure?? Perfect submissive, perfect Dominant...and punishment and discipline and control if so needed?? Well, this is real life, so no one wins the perfect award ever.

Next morning, both of us doing our thing. I really didn't have my mind on what had happened the previous day. And I really can't remember what I said, but his response to whatever it was I did say was, "and are you going to yell out more orders now?". I almost started laughing, thinking he was making a joke out of it all as he can do. But when I turned to look at him, gone was my very mild-mannered, never really says much about anything, especially if it involves interpersonal relationships husband and I saw a look on his face that stopped me cold. Let me just say I couldn't breathe properly for a moment. So I got very serious very quickly. He was just looking at me, so I volunteered to go first and said, "do you want to talk about it" and to my shock, he said, "we need to talk about it". And he was very involved with the discussion. He said it confused him that I would act in such a way when I had been so effusive about wanting to be this happy submissive. I said he confused me when he didn't respond in any real Dominant way to what I had done. We both accepted our own responsibility in the matter. And we both reiterated that we desire to have more of the D/s in our day-to-day doings, but we also realized that we were going to have to shift our mentality about what being Dominant and submissive together was all about. But we are both struggling with how to go about shifting in such a way when we've been stuck in place for the last 15 years.

Now for audience participation...please? I am here asking to learn from your experience and knowledge, from Dominants and submissives. Your perspectives on what happened, how it was handled initially and the way it played out afterwards. I guess I am hoping that anyone with experience in living out a D/s relationship (in whatever form that may be in...online or face-to-face...it's all real life) can relate to this and maybe even share what happened in his or her situation. And for Dominants and submissives who just are who they are on their own at the moment, I would appreciate hearing your take on it as well. What could have been done and said, on both our parts? And while I am a great fan of witty humor (please include all you can), I do hope it will be laced with the seriousness I seek. Not asking for any big drama, just some insight from those who know more than we do and are willing to share with us.

For those of you who choose to share, I thank you in advance. I will thank you after the fact as well, but just so you know beforehand.

Gratefully-
tessa

[Ruby]

Hi Tessa,

Thank you for sharing your adventures with us.

Seems as if the kinky couple face real life issues just like the rest of the vanilla world.

A profound and true statement!

Picture it, if you will. Real life, real child, real mess... I growl out, "could you DO something?!?" in a tone of voice that even to me sounded alien. ~hears the gasps of "oh she didn't!"~ Yes, I did. And it was ugly.

Smiles and nods head. You have heard the saying that being a submissive is not the same as being a doormat. Yes? That just because you are a submissive, you still have emotions, needs, wants, etc. Yes? Good.

Cause we've got more going on here than you taking the role of a submissive.

We're talking about you being a mom.

Some things to think about in your mom role:

The longer the mess is left, depending on the mess, the more dangerous the situtation to the child. Were you doing what you needed - though not in the way you would have liked - to protect your child?

What part of being dominanent means your husband doesn't have to help with parenting?
Cleaning up messes?
Protecting the child?
Etc.

Have the two of you discussed the time and place where you want to "act out" your submissive and dominant roles?
In front of friends?
Family?
Strangers?
In the bedroom?

As a parent of two teen boys, I can say that "timing is everything".

Perhaps you could have said, "Honey, may you please help with this? May you please take junior out of the room while I clean this up?" or whatever the perfect thing to say. And we always come up with those things after the fact.

However, you can also ask yourself, what role do you want to take during any crisis and how do you want your child (and future children) to view you?

Why didn't you want your husband to help out?
Did you think this affected your ability to serve him?

Doms have to serve their subs, too.
It's a two way street.

So?? What happened?? ... I was disappointed and a tad angry... After all, weren't we supposed to be on this grand BDsM adventure?? Perfect submissive, perfect Dominant...and punishment and discipline and control if so needed?? Well, this is real life, so no one wins the perfect award ever.

LOL on the perfect award. It isn't out there.
As to your adventure, well you are on it.

The ability of couples to stay in their dom/sub roles 24/7 is about as easy as being perfect. Life happens. Often. And who's to say a feisty sub isn't what is needed at any moment.

He said it confused him that I would act in such a way when I had been so effusive about wanting to be this happy submissive. I said he confused me when he didn't respond in any real Dominant way to what I had done. We both accepted our own responsibility in the matter. And we both reiterated that we desire to have more of the D/s in our day-to-day doings, but we also realized that we were going to have to shift our mentality about what being Dominant and submissive together was all about. But we are both struggling with how to go about shifting in such a way when we've been stuck in place for the last 15 years.

Yes, yes, yes!!!!

I know many couples where who is the dom and who is the sub is rarely guessed accurately. We all have our own personalities that shine through. There is no rule book, except the one we make up and continue to modify.

What could have been done and said, on both our parts?

A zillion things could have been done and said, yet you two made huge progress, you discussed it.

What could you have done better?

Discussed what happened after the incident and not waited for the next day.

You could have immediately apologized to your husband for yelling/barking at him.

He could have taken charge and asked for an apology.

Rudeness, in front of children is not a good thing, regardless of the dom/sub role you've taken.

What can you do in the future?

Take the time to constantly ask yourseleve's if the changes you are making in your relationship are working for the both of you.

Keep up with the great communication and sense of humor.

Adjust, modify, learn, laugh and move on.

Cause as you've pointed out, that "Perfect" award isn't available.

Hang in there, Tessa

Ruby

[Dorkalicious]

Thank you so much for sharing your story! I can't believe I missed it before....*D'oh*.

Honestly, the whole beginning does sound sort of like a fairy-tale, and I love the humor you put into it I know not everyone has that sort of chance.....and of course I read your second post...I could say some stupid remark about "All good things...."...>.>...But I doubt that will be the case. 15 years is a long time, but you have courage, and if he is willing to talk things out then possibly, one of these days you two will find your path again. Everyone here is very helpful and supportive, and though I personally do not have any advice (I'm 19! haha, boy do I have a lot to learn)... I'm almost positive someone will.

Thank you once again for sharing your story. That itself took a lot of courage

[tessa]

What I am finding here in this great community is that everyone, regardless of the package they come in, has something of worth from which to learn...even 19-year olds. And I will say this again...it's not courage, it's the sheer desperate need to do whatever I can to make this work in my life. I have waited (and wasted) so much time. I am determined not to do that any longer.

So ~giving Dorkalicious a little hug~ I guess we will be learning together? Let's hope so anyway.

[tessa]

So...I really should have titled this thread, "At a Snail's Pace".

For all of you out there wondering about whether or not to mention BDsM to your significant other, just realize that the introducing it is the easy part. It's the after that gets all complicated...and slow going! Is it so overwhelming to contemplate, I wonder? Is that what the hold-up is? It can't be because I've been overassertive or anything. Ok, I know I'm waaaaayyyy past impatient, but I haven't been all up in his business about it (like I was that one time). Encouraging and slightly eager...those are the words I would use to describe how I've been. Considering my mind is screaming, "what the hell does a submissive have to do to get tied up around here?!?", I think I'm doing very well. (That's oversimplifying, of course, but accurate in it's own way.) My feelings on all this are that it just shouldn't be so difficult, not when two people actually want the changes. So something must be up. However, I am just a little bit weary of trying to sort it all through. It has to be over the top frustrating, and probably closer to tragic, for those who are with someone who won't even consider a change in lifestyle. Which makes me feel awful for even boo-hooing in the first place. I do believe I will go about the business of getting over myself now.

The tale of Prince Not-So-Domly and Subbierella will just have to go back on the shelf for awhile. Thanks to all of you who helped me turn those first few pages.

But I will always be waiting for the happy ending. Hope is a good thing...right?

[Ruby]

But I will always be waiting for the happy ending. Hope is a good thing...right?

Tessa,

It's a very good thing.

Sometimes it feels like two steps forward and three steps back. Timing is everything and making time can be a huge help.

It's not topping from the bottom to provide him with all the hints he needs:

* telling him what you want and how much it excites you
* scheduling a date night
* sending the child(ren) out to a sitter/aunt/grandparent
* having all the toys, props, etc. ready before hand, so he can see them when he arrives
* greeting him with a cheerful attitude and giving him time to acclimate, take a shower, whatever he needs to ditch the day
* serving him dinner in one of your favorite costumes or nothing at all
* ... you fill in the blank

Sometimes a girl has to drop a ton of bricks to get tied up!

Good luck on the next step in your adventure,

Ruby

[tessa]

Sometimes a girl has to drop a ton of bricks to get tied up!

Good luck on the next step in your adventure,

Ruby, as before, your advice/words/encouragement are so incredibly welcome and needed. Thank you again for the thought you put into your response and for knowing how important and not so easy this whole thing can be.

Now, I'm off to the hardware store for that ton of bricks...and anything else that might be useful.

So very sincerely-
tessa

[submissive sugar]

tessa,

I don't have much advice to give either because my husband and I are in the same predicament. I think the fact that He was willing to talk about it was great ... Everyone is going to have bumps in the road ... even the submissive who knows she's submissive and is with a Dominant who's known he's a Dominant (does that makes sense) ... every relationship has times when things happen that aren't so great. I have to say ... I'm in awe at your control of your anger ... I think this is why my own journey has been so rough ... up untill about 8 months ago I had been in a power struggle with my husband .... getting angery with him, barking out orders, pretty much topping him ... in everyday situations as well as the bedroom. One day in a particularly bad argument .... He looked me dead in the eye very seriously and said ... "Are you a submissive or not?" ... We talked for a long time after that and what I finally realized that it was ME that was stopping my own fairytale ending. For some reason I had gotten it into my head that my husband couldn't be my Dominant, that He would never be my Dominant. I didn't trust him ... although, I really had no basis for that mistrust (yes, I know I'm a cooky girl) ... In fact if anything ... He had reason to not trust ME. It's been a very strange long road and we are still trying to figure things out ... Right now our goal is my anger issues .. which I'm glad to report are pretty much under control ... We've decided to work on one goal at a time with me ... because I have a lot of emotional baggage.

I'm sorry this is all rambaling ... I just wanted you to know that I can sympathize with you.

[tessa]

submissive sugar, every word you put into your message makes perfect sense to me! Every word! It's not rambling...it's thoughtful and wonderfully presented. Knowing that we aren't alone in this makes it so much easier, doesn't it?

And I was angry...very angry. But someone told me once that being angry at the one who doesn't have a clue isn't very fair. My anger was a mask for the frustration I felt at not being able to have D/s a part of my life. And that was my fault, not my husband's. I completely understand the part where you said, "for some reason, I had gotten it into my head that my husband couldn't be my Dominant...I didn't trust him, even though I had no basis for that mistrust". EXACTLY! There was no basis for my feeling that way. It's a difficult day when you wake up and realize you've been at fault the entire time. I had never given my husband a chance to be what I wanted him to be. At least now, we are on our way...as bumpy and rocky as the road may be.

I don't know the precise nature of your emotional baggage. We all have some to one extent or another. How we let it affect our lives, I am coming to realize, is entirely up to us. It can trap and smother us if we let it. Or we can try pushing through the issues and allow it to change us for the better. I am still working on all of it though.

Want to talk it through with a understanding soul? Pm anytime.

[Tasker]

All I can say at this time is I hope you both find the same joy that childbride and I are finding.
Getting out of habits developed over years takes time but it happens as you adjust to your new chosen life.
It is a wonderful journey of exploration and we both wish you the joy we have found.


It is great to see this thread as you share the experience you both are going through.

Good luck
Tasker

[tessa]

Have you ever had the need to laugh, cry, jump up and down and scream all at the same time?? After reading these responses, that's just how I feel. I also feel as if I've found just the right place to be. I must again say that it was the suggestion of Rabbit who led me to post in the first place and the encouragement of minx to add to this little narrative of mine. So many here have already played a part in this developing life story, and I am profoundly grateful.

Tasker, it was one of your posts that opened my frustrated mind to even the possiblity. I thanked you privately, now I am giving you my thanks in this way. ~hugs~ My sincere appreciation to you for sharing in the first place.

Ruby...oh dear, sweet, she-knows-just-what-to-say Ruby...for your response, well, I could weep. The thought and time you put into what you have said here blows me away. Ok, your stories are really, really, really good, and not to take away from them in any way, but this reply of yours is incredible! I hope anyone else in a situation similar to mine (and there are, so y'all read what she said too!) will benefit as much as me. I am going to take each question, each suggestion and sift through them again and again until they become part of my mental processing. And I will share all of this with my husband. If you aren't making a lot of money from being a life coach, you should be! Dr. Phil who??? (I might infuse some humor into my words, but the sentiment behind the thought is all the way serious!) I'm actually miffed that I can't stay up any later to go through your questions and answer them for myself now! And if my husband didn't have to wake up so bloody early, I'd be all over him with this right now. Someone mentioned something about patience...guess this is one of those times. But I am coming back to this ASAP! A wonderful gift you have given me, Ruby. ~big hug~ Truly...thank you!

[Ruby]

Tessa, big hugs right back at you. You rock!

[Dorkalicious]

*Hugs!* Not much else I can put in here but *hugs hugs hugs*...Lol. Ruby, you have some very good advice there!

[suchaminx]

*hugs tessa*

tessa thank you for your very kind words but you are the one doing all the hard work and your posts paint such vivid pictures for us all ~smiles~

You are right though, this is a wonderful place, made all the better by sharing

love and hugs

minxy xx

[suchaminx]

WOW tessa do you know how big a smile I have on my face after reading that.

I am so so happy for you, happy and proud of you!

It is stories like yours that make this site so wonderful, the love and support of others given so freely with only one thought in mind - happiness for friends

love and hugs

minxy xxx

[ceegee{Benz}]

chuckles.......... there is nothing more gob smacking when they saaying in the middle of somewhere public...beg for it...and ur stood there going eh???? what u going on about....then realisation hits u full on LMAO.

am glad ur story and journey is progressing and sounds like you are both enjoying your new found lifestyle.
keep ur chin up and keep smiling...u both deserve to have a piece of what we all love.

oh and btw...just wait till u are both out clothes shopping and u go and try something on in the changing rooms and he follows u...taking whats his in the cubicle LMAOOOOOOOOOO

cg
xx

[pixie_dust]

*big hugs* Your story has given me such a big smile! Congratulations!!! It's so nice to hear how well things are progressing and of your success in each stride.

[cadence]

*super big hugs to you!!*

Congratulations!!, I am so glad to hear that you are progressing forward to what you want in your life.
Your story has made me smile and kudos to you!!