Lvl 3 Writing Assignment

[Daes]

I lurve fantasy writing, and I finished this two days ago and figured I'd try to use it for an assignment. If it doesnt work thats okay, I can take another task or redo this one ^_^ This is the first chapter to a story I'm writing, and it starts the beginning of her journey, tis a corny beginning, but it is one nonetheless ^^.

Muhain's Keep: Chapter 1

"Hetarys my love... come, for I must away…” The choked out words were quiet in a raspy subdued whisper, as though his voice had been stolen and was now being forced out through a ravaged throat. The yearning in his voice filled with a deepening sorrow for his worried young daughter. Parched lips forced in a hoarse gulp of cool air, his breathing slow but painfully labored as he looked on his beautiful girl, the pain burning against his lungs and throat.

She only watched him with anguish at his battered and beaten form, ready to burst into tears after having called for help time and time again to no avail. The horror and shock she had felt moments before had faded into helpless despair that seemed to scream louder than her anguished cries in vain. Hetarys found herself turning away, feeling threatened by the image before her… not trusting them to ensure that the beautiful memories she treasured with her father would remain as they had before… Times watching rosy sunsets, saying goodbye to the day to welcome the coming of night... Happy smiles and rich joyous laughter by the fire… It dawned on her, that this was a moment that would be imbedded in her mind for an eternity to come.. now it was only her, and the first man she had ever loved.

How can I be strong… my hero… my father? When you have fallen before my eyes…? As she raised her gaze to him now, a sharp pang of realization came flooding her with sorrow. No more memories to create, no smiles to light the day or giving kisses to the stars to make wishes and hoping for dreams come true... No… only loneliness.

“Papa… hold on, please.” She sat down slowly beside him, her watered eyes never leaving his face, so full of sadness and pain. Everything swelled within her like a tide waiting to crush her soul. There was nothing left for her here, and she knew his time was running thin…

He sucked in a choked breath, tasting the blood that was beginning to rise in his throat. His whole body burned like nothing he had ever known, as though his open wounds had been set aflame. His hand reached out, trembling as it grasped her small one between his fingertips, and squeezed gently.

She shook her head, feeling a shudder run up her spine, his touch was cold and clammy against her soft skin. Silently, Hetarys watched him in horror as his breathing slowed, feeling as though at any moment he might slip away.

“Don’t go.” Her whisper was pleading, and yet she found herself beginning to calm. He needn’t suffer any longer… He had been through enough. She was saddened though, to see him leave her so soon.

“Here…” He gently released her hand to slowly retrieve something from his pocket.

She watched him with sad curiosity until he revealed to her a chain with a silver star.

“You must return it.” His words were low and grave and filled her with doubt. “You must return it to Muhain.”

Her eyes widened. “Muhain the wizard? But-but papa! He is one of the Mighty…”

He shook his head and began to cough, blood trailing out at the corner of his mouth. “Darling you must, follow the trail to through the mountains in the west. His Keep is hiding on the mountainside.”

She shook her head again, her eyes tearing. “Father, I cannot-“

“Yes you can! You must.” He clutched his chest, rasping as he forced out the words. “Deliver the Star my darling… Take the star to Muhain, I’m always here... ”

Hetarys felt the cold tears that left her eyes, searching for a way to be strong. The task he had set before her was impossible, surely he must know that…

She took his hand in between her own and nodded, her fingers upon the silver star as his hand went limp between her fingers. She clutched the star, feeling its power burn and resonate through her palm. His body now lay unmoving, and she bowed her head as the tears streamed her cheeks. As she held the star it began to glimmer, a cool white flame that danced along her skin. She paid it no heed, mulling her father’s words in her wind until it burned into her heart with everlasting resolve.

“Even if I should breathe my last… I’ll bring Muhain his Star.”

[Ruby]

Hi Daes,

Wow! Thanks for posting a wonderful begining to an epic adventure.

This chapter will be fine for your assignment. There is so much to like about it.

The emotion of the piece is deep. It tugs on the heart strings and brings into clarity a moment of true sorrow.

It introduces a heroine and hints of a world different than our own. It is a great begining that poses many questions the reader will want answered.

What happened to her father?
What trials will she endure to return the star?
Who is the mysterious wizard?

Those are questions for the future.

For now, here are some things to think about in this chapter.

The leading lady's name is not common.
How is it pronounced?
Readers like to put themselves in the place of the main characters, the more difficult that names, the harder this is to do. You may want to rename your leading lady, or tell the reader what her name means.

What does she look like?
What does her father look like?
Why are they alone?
Why does no one answer her calls for help?
Where are they?
Is he dying a natural death?

We need a bit more information. If this is planned for chapter two, that's fine. If not, then it needs to be slipped in here.

Your next assignment is to do an editing refresh of this chapter.

Focus on:

* layout for an e-book or web page.
Read the assignment on doing so and help the reader by making paragraphs smaller when needed.

* change as much passive tense to active as possible
Ex. He shook his head and began to cough, blood trailing out at the corner of his mouth. -->
He shook his head and coughed. Blood trailed from the corner of his mouth.

* check sentence lengths and how you end them.
... does not end a sentence
Too many commas slow down the pacing.
Ex. She shook her head, feeling a shudder run up her spine, his touch was cold and clammy against her soft skin.
-->
She shook her head. A shudder ran up her spine. His touch was cold and clammy against her soft skin.

* Remove empty words and check to see if you are using words that end in -ly too frequently.
Ex. She only watched him --> She watched him
Ex. She sat down slowly beside him --> She sat beside him

* Play with sentence length to change the pacing.
Is there a tempo you want to create.
The longer sentences lull the reader into a calm.
Shorter sentence create excitement.
Ex. She took his hand in between her own and nodded, her fingers upon the silver star as his hand went limp between her fingers. -->
She took his hand in her own and nodded. Her fingers touched the silver star. His hand stilled between her fingers.

* Watch the sequence of actions to show your readers whats happening.
Ex. Look at the next line. "She clutched the star."
Where is the star? In his hand? In her own.

* Add a copyright line.
(C) 2006 Daes All rights reserved.

What else?

Congratulate yourself on the start of what will be an epic adventure.

Please post the refreshed version in this thread.

I'm am looking forward to seeing your next spin on this.

Have fun,

Ruby

[Daes]

Hetarys - Heh-tar-ess
Muhain - Moo-hayne

But I was thinking of changing her name, so will do that instead.

There are factors that were going to be in the next chapter that would explain what happened more ^_^ reason for this is because I wanted to jump into the scene immediately. ^^ Ill add in her appearance and see what happens.

The tempo I might not change only because I feel that it fits the mood i wanted to create, if thats okay. Thanks for the help =) Will be fixing this up tonight so I can repost.

[Daes]

(revised)

"Hetarys my love... come, for I must away…” The choked out words were quiet in a raspy subdued whisper, as though the words had been stolen and were now being forced out through a ravaged throat. The yearning in his voice filled with a deepening sorrow for his worried young daughter. Parched lips forced in a hoarse gulp of cool air, his breathing slow but painfully labored as he looked on his beautiful girl, the pain burning against his lungs and throat.

The girl’s long hair curled against the curve of her back in gentle caresses. She took a step forward as the wind pulled at her cloak. She was barely over fifteen with eyes like lilac jewels, watching her father with anguish at his battered and beaten form.

With all self restraint she tried to force herself not to cry, ready to burst into tears after having called for help time and time again to no avail. The horror and shock she had felt moments before had faded into helpless despair that seemed to scream louder than her anguished cries in vain. Hetarys found herself turning away, feeling threatened by the image before her; not trusting it to ensure that the beautiful memories she treasured with her father would remain as they had before. Times spent watching rosy sunsets, saying goodbye to the day to welcome the coming of night, happy smiles and rich joyous laughter by the fire… no more. It dawned on her, that this was a moment that would be imbedded in her mind for an eternity to come.. now it was only her, and the first man she had ever loved.

How can I be strong, my hero, my father? When you have fallen before my eyes…? As she raised her gaze to him now, a sharp pang of realization came to flood her with sorrow. No more memories to create, no smiles to light the day or granting kisses to the stars to make wishes and dreams come true. No… only loneliness.

“Papa… hold on, please.” She sat beside him, quiet in her desperation. Watered eyes never left his face, his expression so full of sadness and pain. Everything swelled within her like a tide waiting to crush her soul. There was nothing left for her here, but she knew his time was running thin…

He sucked in a choked breath, tasting the blood that was beginning to rise in his throat. His whole body burned like nothing he had ever known, as though his open wounds had been set aflame. His hand reached out, trembling as it grasped her small one between his fingertips, and squeezed gently.

She shook her head, feeling a shudder run up her spine, his touch was cold against her skin. Hetarys watched in horror as his breathing slowed, feeling as though at any moment he might slip away.

“Don’t go.” Her whisper was pleading, and yet she found herself beginning to calm. He needn’t suffer any longer… he had been through enough.

“Here…” He gently released her hand to slowly retrieve something from his pocket.

She watched him with sad curiosity until he revealed to her a chain with a silver star.

“You must return it.” His words were low and grave and filled her with doubt. “You must return it to Muhain.”

Her eyes widened. “Muhain the wizard? But-but papa! He is one of the Mighty.”

He shook his head and began to cough, blood beginning to trail out at the corner of his mouth. “Darling you must, follow the trail to through the mountains in the west. His Keep is hiding on the mountainside.”

She shook her head again, her eyes . “Father, I cannot-“

“Yes you can! You must.” He clutched his chest, rasping as he forced out the words. “Deliver the Star my darling… I’ll be there with you...”

Hetarys felt the cold tears that left her eyes, searching for a way to be strong. The task he had set before her was impossible, surely he must know that.

She took his hand in between her own and nodded, her fingers upon the silver star as his hand went limp between her fingers. She grasped the star from his hand, feeling its power burn and resonate through her palm. His body now lay unmoving, and she bowed her head as the tears streamed her cheeks. As she held the star it began to glimmer, a cool white flame that danced along her skin. She paid it no heed, mulling her father’s words in her wind until it burned into her heart with everlasting resolve.

“Even if I should breathe my last… I’ll bring Muhain his Star.”

[Ruby]

Hi Daes,

You were very quick on this update. I'm going to be a bit longer on the review.

Thank you in advance for your patience.

Meanwhile, if you want to begin another assignment, please let me know.

Ruby

[Daes]

Ops I just realized I didn't add what I wanted with her appearance.. thats okay though I think.

And yes, a new assignment would be good whenever you're available. ^_^

[Ruby]

Then let's put you to work on the next chapter of this story.

Your tasks are to pay careful attention to the same comments as before:

* layout for an e-book or web page.

* use active tense wherever possible

* check sentence lengths and how you end them.

... does not end a sentence
neither does a ;

Break up those run on sentences to help the reader take a mental breath.

* Remove empty words that are not in dialog and check to see if you are using words that end in -ly too frequently.

* Play with sentence length to change the pacing.

* Watch the sequence of actions to show your readers whats happening.

* Add a copyright line.
(C) 2006 Daes All rights reserved.

Have fun!

I'm looking forward to your next chapter.
You can start a new thread and call it
Chapter Two - Daes Level Three Assignment

Thanks,

Ruby

[Ruby]

Hi Daes,

Below is the revised chapter with some suggested edits.

Actions taken:

* Used active versus passive tense when possible.

* Removed of words like "as" or "so" which take the reader out of the active tense or don't add to the story.

* Shorted sentences.

* Inserted commas or periods where appropriate.

* Reformatted for web layout and reading.

* Modified words such as "on", "at" or "from".

If you want a "word" document, with changes tracked, please let me know and I'll e-mail it to you.

You may accept the suggested edits or decide you want to make a few of your own.

This is a very fine bit of story telling and I'm looking forward to what happens next.

Ruby

---

"Hetarys, my love, come...for I must away.”

The choked out words were quiet in a raspy subdued whisper, as though the words had been stolen and were now being forced out through a ravaged throat. The yearning in his voice filled with a deepening sorrow for his worried young daughter. Parched lips forced in a hoarse gulp of cool air, his breathing slow but painfully labored. He looked at his beautiful girl, the pain burned against his lungs and throat.

Hetarys's long hair curled against the curve of her back in gentle caresses. She took a step forward and the wind pulled at her cloak. Barely over fifteen with eyes like lilac jewels, she watched her father’s battered and beaten form in anguish.

With all self restraint, she tried to force herself not to cry, though ready to burst into tears. She had called for help time and time again to no avail. The horror and shock she had felt moments before faded into helpless despair that seemed to scream louder than her anguished cries in vain.

Hetarys turned away, feeling threatened by the image before her. She didn’t trust it to ensure that the beautiful memories she treasured with her father would remain as they had before. Times spent watching rosy sunsets, saying goodbye to the day to welcome the coming of night, happy smiles and rich joyous laughter by the fire were no more. It dawned on her, that this moment would be imbedded in her mind for an eternity to come. Yet, for now, it was only her, and the first man she had ever loved.

How can I be strong, my hero, my father? When you have fallen before my eyes…?

She raised her gaze to him. A sharp pang of realization came to flood her with sorrow. No more memories to create, no smiles to light the day or grant kisses to the stars to make wishes and dreams come true. No. Only loneliness.

“Papa, hold on. Please.”

She sat beside him, quiet in her desperation. Watered eyes never left his face. His expression was full of sadness and pain. Everything swelled within her like a tide waiting to crush her soul. There was nothing left for her here, but she knew his time ran thin.

He sucked in a choked breath, tasting the blood that rose in his throat. His whole body burned like nothing he had ever known, as though his open wounds had been set aflame. His trembling hand reached out, grasped her small one between his fingertips, and squeezed gently.

She shook her head, feeling a shudder run up her spine. His touch was cold against her skin. Hetarys watched in horror as his breathing slowed, feeling as though at any moment he might slip away.

“Don’t go.”

Her whisper was pleading, and yet she found herself beginning to calm. He needn’t suffer any longer. He had been through enough.

“Here.”

He gently released her hand to slowly retrieve something from his pocket.

She watched him with sad curiosity until he revealed to her a chain with a silver star.

“You must return it.”

His words were low and grave and filled her with doubt.

“You must return it to Muhain.”

Her eyes widened.

“Muhain the wizard? But-but, Papa! He is one of the Mighty.”

He shook his head and coughed. Blood trailed from the corner of his mouth.

“Darling, you must follow the trail through the mountains in the west. His keep is hiding on the mountainside.”

She shook her head again. Her eyes (did something? – Sentence wasn’t finished.).

“Father, I cannot.”

“Yes, you can! You must.”

He clutched his chest, rasping as he forced out the words.

“Deliver the star, my darling. I’ll be there with you.”

Searching for a way to be strong, Hetarys felt the cold tears leave her eyes. The task he had set before her was impossible. Surely, he must know that.

She took his hand between her own and nodded. Her fingers touched upon the silver star as his hand went limp. She grasped the star from his hand, feeling its power burn and resonate through her palm. His body lay unmoving. She bowed her head and tears streamed her cheeks.

She held the star. It began to glimmer, a cool white flame that danced along her skin. She paid it no heed, mulling her father’s words in her mind until it burned into her heart with everlasting resolve.

“Even if I should breathe my last, I’ll bring Muhain his star.”

(C) Daes 2007 Draft in Progress. All rights reserved.