An age gap in D/s...

[chaostheory]

I think this is probably going to be more of a rant than anything else, but I need to vent a little!

I had a Dom recently who I had a lot of fun with, was very nice, and always seemed to have my best interests at heart. We parted very well and very amicably.
This was a few weeks ago and I have since found that it has started to cloud my view of seeing potential older Doms. Now, while I most certainly don’t have a preference for older guys, around my area there seems to be far more older Doms than younger ones (so an availability issue). However, my last Dom was 19 years older than myself (22F and 41M) and I feel the age difference generated the problems that led to me ending it.

To summarise, these were the issues:
• He would lecture me/talk down to me. While I fully believe that he had my best intentions, I cannot bear being spoken down to. I expressed to him at the time that he was making me think he viewed me as intellectually inferior, because of this (something he was very eager to correct and explain). But still. Massive. Turn. Off.
• He would seemingly avoid any topic of conversation that I knew more about like the plague. For example, I am a Medical Neuroscience student and recently started a project investigating the effects of drugs on the brain. Anytime I would mention my studies or my project, he would not engage in the conversation or ask any questions to keep the conversation going. The only time that he did speak about these topics was in an attempt (the last time we met for a session) to lecture me on a very basic neuroscience topic, which gave me the impression he’d read up on the subject simply to lecture me on my own degree. Even then, he didn’t seem interested in what I was contributing to the conversation, and it made me realise that each time I spoke, I was finding myself feeling like I needed to quickly summarise what I was saying as he was just waiting for his turn to talk.
• He didn’t seem to see me beyond the fact that I was his sub (I’m a switch), and a younger female. Each time I would correct him on a misunderstanding he had about me (e.g. that I prefer older men, or that I lack confidence – I actually am a bisexual that prefers women, and I most certainly do not lack confidence at all), he would just nod and then when I would next see him he’d just be repeating his mantra again. I literally had to tell him I don’t prefer older guys *four separate times* before he finally heard me. I've never, ever been involved on any level with someone that made me feel like he barely knew me after so many hours spent with me.

Is this a common experience when having an older Dom? I'm sure it isn't, I just need the reassurance, because I am still reeling from it, lol.

[Numinosity]

Sounds to me like your Dom had a hard time seperating your D/s relationship with your everyday relationship, and thus was attempting to create the image of superiority. A (good) Dom will ofcourse know when to stop bieng a Dom and go back to be a "normal" person again, who will treat the other person with the respect any person deserves. I wouldnt say this is a common experience with older Doms, but it would be a lie to say that alot of people (both Doms and subs, of all ages) dont sometimes carry their roles with them out of the (proverbial) bedroom. As you experienced, this is not healthy, and you were right in ending the relationship over it.

Hope you will find some one better able to not let the D/s roles get to their heads. Many better experiences likely lie ahead!

[MasterMike8035]

its not common in older doms they should know when to sperate the two *being a dom and being a human* I am glad you got out wwhen you did and hopefully you will find the right dom for you

[chaostheory]

Sounds to me like your Dom had a hard time seperating your D/s relationship with your everyday relationship, and thus was attempting to create the image of superiority. A (good) Dom will ofcourse know when to stop bieng a Dom and go back to be a "normal" person again, who will treat the other person with the respect any person deserves. I wouldnt say this is a common experience with older Doms, but it would be a lie to say that alot of people (both Doms and subs, of all ages) dont sometimes carry their roles with them out of the (proverbial) bedroom. As you experienced, this is not healthy, and you were right in ending the relationship over it.

Hope you will find some one better able to not let the D/s roles get to their heads. Many better experiences likely lie ahead!

Thank you Numinosity. I suspected as much, but wasn't sure. It kind of backfired in a way, as I just started to perceive him as insecure but also as irrational (as ignoring my abilities doesn't mean that they don't exist). I was always very aware though that he seemed insecure, despite the numerous conversations he initiated about confidence and how much of it he had developed over the years. I personally believe confidence is quiet and doesn't require verbal declaration.

Thanks again You have a good day.

[chaostheory]

its not common in older doms they should know when to sperate the two *being a dom and being a human* I am glad you got out wwhen you did and hopefully you will find the right dom for you

Thank you for your comment. I hadn't considered before that it could be him failing to separate the two. I do believe that he was sincere in trying to be a good and caring Dom, but I think he was misguided on this issue. Having said that, I do wish him well. I just despise being spoken down to and needed to vent about it a little lol.

[just_ine]

I am a confident, educated, well-rounded business woman. I also a submissive.
Know that, when you are a successful submissive who doesn't fit the 'moulds' some Doms imagine subs to fit into, it is hard for many Doms not to feel intimidated.

I'm not sure it is an age thing...more a personality thing.

Be patient and choosy. And you might just find someone who enjoys hearing about your research, encourages you to be the best version of you that you can be...and is proud as all heck of all you are, know and accomplish.

Those Doms do exist, I promise. They aren't just an urban legend.

[chaostheory]

I am a confident, educated, well-rounded business woman. I also a submissive.
Know that, when you are a successful submissive who doesn't fit the 'moulds' some Doms imagine subs to fit into, it is hard for many Doms not to feel intimidated.

I'm not sure it is an age thing...more a personality thing.

Be patient and choosy. And you might just find someone who enjoys hearing about your research, encourages you to be the best version of you that you can be...and is proud as all heck of all you are, know and accomplish.

Those Doms do exist, I promise. They aren't just an urban legend.

I definitely see no contradiction in that, as that is how I am too.
What was strange for me is his insistence that his preference is the 'strong, independent' woman. Yet he seemed determined to not consider or treat me as such - at least all the time I wasn't calling him up on it. I think a lot of the time people think they want something that they don't, it would seem.

Thank you for your advice I certainly hope so. I definitely have realised through this how important it is to feel like the other person wants to acknowledge all sides to me... not just the side that flatters the Dom's ego. It was a very strange feeling to have someone talking at me in such a way as to basically tell me how to be confident... whilst in a way criticising me for "not being confident" and pointing out the ways that I come across to him as not and how I could improve it. As if making criticisms/suggestions builds someone up and adds to their confidence, anyway. It was strange. I remember wondering why this was a conversation we were even having because, even if I were actually lacking in confidence, no one gains confidence from such a conversation *anyway*.

I do believe that he did have my best intentions at heart, for sure. I just think he completely got me wrong and also was getting a bit confused about his role as a Dom.

[just_ine]

I've been thinking about this, and i wonder whether we aren't missing something here.
This is my train of thought:

What is the one thing that Dominants want from their subbies?
Obedience, yes.
Trust, yes.
Honesty, yes.
But those aren't the bare-bones crux of it... vulnerability is it. Being vulnerable to another is key.

Was this Dom perhaps not mistaking a low self confidence with vulnerability?
If he was praising you for a job well done, or encouraging you to be the best version of yourself, and at the same time confusing lack of self esteem with vulnerability, then this apparent lack of consistency make more sense. Perhaps he was trying to help you be vulnerable to to him.

Just a thought ...

[chaostheory]

Oops, a duplicate of my reply.

[chaostheory]

I've been thinking about this, and i wonder whether we aren't missing something here.
This is my train of thought:

What is the one thing that Dominants want from their subbies?
Obedience, yes.
Trust, yes.
Honesty, yes.
But those aren't the bare-bones crux of it... vulnerability is it. Being vulnerable to another is key.

Was this Dom perhaps not mistaking a low self confidence with vulnerability?
If he was praising you for a job well done, or encouraging you to be the best version of yourself, and at the same time confusing lack of self esteem with vulnerability, then this apparent lack of consistency make more sense. Perhaps he was trying to help you be vulnerable to to him.

Just a thought ...

Hi, thank you very much for your comment.

I'm a bit uncertain about what you are meaning though Please can you elaborate for me, if you don't mind? Are you asking if perhaps my Dom wanted to view me as having low self-esteem so that he could perceive me as vulnerable? Or that he perceived my vulnerability as a sign that I wasn't confident/have low self-esteem? Or are you meaning something else? (It is certainly true that he was openly encouraging me to be the best version of myself though - although I must admit that I disliked this a lot, as it wasn't negotiated beforehand, and I actually perceived it closer to being counteractive to boosting confidence as opposed to conducive to enhancing it).

I definitely enjoyed feeling vulnerable with him (not real vulnerability of course - as I knew I was safe with him, but it is fun to imagine otherwise during play), and while with him I was careful to show respect for him as my Dom and so wasn't as much of my forthright and no-filter self, I wouldn't necessarily have guessed that I could come across as genuinely vulnerable or having low self-esteem. My perception was very much that he wanted to prevent me from showing anything about myself that would demonstrate self-esteem (my interests, my achievements, my studies, and so on). Although I was certainly proactive in my attempts to demonstrate my strengths and confidence. But the more I did so, the more I encountered him blocking me on that.

[Solis]

Hmmm ... let's see. "Dim dom" is also not just an urban legend. A number of my confreres strike me as delightful people who frequently lose the TV remote and are a, uhhh, a couple beers short of a six-pack. That's not to impugn their sincerity, passion, devotion or caring. They just are really good at being human.

A second thought is that committed relationships (much less love) are really hard for doms. The essence of being a dom is control, endless and unquestioned, over her. But also over yourself. The essence of being in a committed relationship is the loosening of control, the admission of doubt and vulnerability and need and longing. It's a very un-dom state. Several of my brethren seemed terrified that the slightest crack in their dom-armor would lead to the eventual unraveling of everything they'd built. Not just their relationship with, or over, the girls but also their very identities. And so they were always "on." Some held fast while being gnawed away from the inside. A few became caricatures, fleeing from any relationship that began to generate feelings and constantly finding new girls to impress. Some matured and succeeded, creating the sort of strict, loving authority that was the ideal for many Victorian men.

As to the age gap, meh. Both partners need to have a sense of humor on the matter because it's going to poke its ugly head up in a surprisingly number of ways, from texting etiquette to cultural references to chipmunk's abysmal taste in music (she thinks there was music in the 1980s, I know better). I suppose if your relationship has a DD/lg cast, that might spill over into other subjects but I don't think the whole condescension thing is primarily driven by age.

For what that's worth,

S.

[chaostheory]

Hmmm ... let's see. "Dim dom" is also not just an urban legend. A number of my confreres strike me as delightful people who frequently lose the TV remote and are a, uhhh, a couple beers short of a six-pack. That's not to impugn their sincerity, passion, devotion or caring. They just are really good at being human.

A second thought is that committed relationships (much less love) are really hard for doms. The essence of being a dom is control, endless and unquestioned, over her. But also over yourself. The essence of being in a committed relationship is the loosening of control, the admission of doubt and vulnerability and need and longing. It's a very un-dom state. Several of my brethren seemed terrified that the slightest crack in their dom-armor would lead to the eventual unraveling of everything they'd built. Not just their relationship with, or over, the girls but also their very identities. And so they were always "on." Some held fast while being gnawed away from the inside. A few became caricatures, fleeing from any relationship that began to generate feelings and constantly finding new girls to impress. Some matured and succeeded, creating the sort of strict, loving authority that was the ideal for many Victorian men.

As to the age gap, meh. Both partners need to have a sense of humor on the matter because it's going to poke its ugly head up in a surprisingly number of ways, from texting etiquette to cultural references to chipmunk's abysmal taste in music (she thinks there was music in the 1980s, I know better). I suppose if your relationship has a DD/lg cast, that might spill over into other subjects but I don't think the whole condescension thing is primarily driven by age.

For what that's worth,

S.

Hi Solis, thank you for your comment I think I understand what you are saying. To be fair to him, I wouldn't say that I agree that he is a Dim Dom (I did have to Google that to find out what it meant, I have to admit!), because I would say that he did get our scenes right. Regarding the relationship part, we weren't ever in an actual relationship (we mutually defined it as purely D/s very quickly - but were of course friends, too, as time progressed). He also was very willing in expressing his human side and imperfections (he even told me about the fact he had therapy a number of months ago and briefly told me the issues he had been having. I never detected that he was trying to come across as perfect or one of "those" Doms. It's just that, at the same time, he seemed to want to be able to view me as inferior (as opposed to making me view him as superior), and so would avoid any acknowledgment or expression of the positive things about myself in my "real world". He was very complimentary, but only in terms of direct D/s play as opposed to my intelligence and real-world capabilities.

I'd definitely agree on that. He would frequently mention the age thing and the differences between us in terms of musical taste and experience... almost "back in my day" conversations - which, by the way, I wouldn't argue are incorrect views to hold, mind. I just don't think it is particularly strategic or pleasant to have such conversations with a younger person/sub that you are seeing. I could well have expressed oppositional views on the side of my own generation (whether or not I agree with them), and it would have been equally irrelevant and damaging to the dynamic, IMO. I viewed his perception as very myopic, and I find it hard to respect attitudes that assert that their perception is the correct one simply because it is asserted by themselves. And respect is critical from a sub to a Dom, as it is vice versa. And oh, we didn't have a DD/lg dynamic; that was actually one of my hard limits. Although durng our breaking-it-off conversation, he did admit that he does view me as a 'girl'. Which I think kind of says it all, unfortunately.

[chaostheory]

Oops, my computer keeps making duplicates of my replies.

[nish]

My experience with an older dom was nothing like that. We had a 25 year age gap (20-45) but he knew exactly where the line between the sex life was and our real lives. I could talk to him just like a friend, if I needed something, he was there like a friend. We both valued each other greatly with no issues. The only reason we stopped is because I moved. I think that was just possibly his personality and his view towards younger women in general honestly.

[chaostheory]

My experience with an older dom was nothing like that. We had a 25 year age gap (20-45) but he knew exactly where the line between the sex life was and our real lives. I could talk to him just like a friend, if I needed something, he was there like a friend. We both valued each other greatly with no issues. The only reason we stopped is because I moved. I think that was just possibly his personality and his view towards younger women in general honestly.

I'm glad to hear that Thanks for your reply. I think this is what I wanted with my Dom. Even after having explained my perception of things to him, he still didn't truly get it really. I think that if he were to get into a new D/s dynamic with someone younger that he would probably repeat this kind of behaviour with her too. His attitude was similar about younger guys really as well, as I remember a couple of times that he commented on the younger guys that were in our presence, saying something along the lines of "I can see why you wouldn't be interested in them" (cue my correcting him about the fact that I am n o t disinterested or critical of younger guys). I think he just tends to see exactly what he wants to see. I've just never experienced anything like that before.

[Melisa]

It's hard to say anything but wish you luck. Trust, communication, and loyal are equally tied really - you need a balance of all. I can't pick one, but if I had to pick two it would be trust and communication.