Pondering trust

[Desperadosong]

For those of you that have ever had trust shattered so badly that you left or stepped back from the lifestyle, how did you regain trust again to step back in? I am finding that although I miss the lifestyle, I fear that I now lack the ability to trust on that level again, no matter who.

Ds

[Aesop]

I'm not a sub so I don't have the same trust issues to deal with, but for me any trust issue is the same. If you don't ever give yourself a chance to trust, you'll never find the person or people out there that you can trust.

[Tojo]

Well my theory is that you need someone to talk to- not necessarily a therapist or some sort of 'ist' just a willing ear to listen.

That's how I survive through difficult times in general, including in my D/s experience- I have some of the most fanbloodytastic friends who stick by me & listen to me.

I too pretty much lost interest in D/s after a few failed attempts. If not for my lovely lisa & then meeting Aussiegirl I'd probably be posting on a tech forum by now....

Finding the right one is so very important.


Tojo

[chattel69]

I found a couple of good people who were trusting enough of me to admit me to their "family" so I am building my level of trust so I might be able to reach out to others and take the next step and start a relationship.

Patience is also key.

[katie_21]

Trust...is a very tricky thing. I don't have much experience at all within the Ds lifestyle, but I have lots of experience about the whole trust issue just shattering. My theory in life, is that the only person you can ever really trust, is yourself. And sometimes I even let myself down lol.

I do hope the best for you and that everything will work out. Good luck.

[Aussiegirl1]

I too pretty much lost interest in D/s after a few failed attempts. If not for my lovely lisa & then meeting Aussiegirl I'd probably be posting on a tech forum by now....

Finding the right one is so very important.

Tojo

Well, that tech forums loss is certainly our gain! I certainly am thrilled to be one of those people you can trust and who has helped you to find your joy in D/s again.

Ds, trust is such a big thing in any relationship, but especially a
d/s one. I think you need to listen to what you head is telling about people, and as Aesop said, you need to put yourself out there to find someone you can trust.

That being said, you might need to work through the issues that have led to your lack of trust in the first place. I hope, that like me, you can met someone who can allow you to trust again.

Good luck.

[Rabbit1]

Tojo is right ---talk to people ---Trust I have found is better if it is earned not given ----If you work to earn someones trust you are less likely to break that trust.

And I would not even think of entering a relationship of any kind much less one in the lifestyle ---until there is a clear trust between myself and my sub.

thats right I have to be able to trust my sub as much as she has to trust me.

I have found the most dificult thing to do is to ever trust someone again after they have once broken the trust ----

but I have no difficulty ---letting someone else earn my trust or trying to earn theirs.

[SheepishJaina]

Desperado,

I've always had tourble trusting people. Even as a child, and in my teen years i had my poorly placed trust in a "dom" shattered. Learning how to trust anyone for anything has been a long road. I still find that it is easier to retreat into my mind or journal rather than talk about what's set me off. Since then i've gotten married and been with my husband as a couple for 5 years. I've tried to trust him as a dominant and cant. Its been tried time and time again. I know in my head that he would never hurt me intentionally, but that barier is still up. Any hesitation or clumsyness sets me off thinking "he's going to hurt me, he's not doing it right" even when he's doing something properly. Even in normal areas of our relationship it is a battle to tell him things and be open. I despise being like it, yet "can't".

I have an online Master as well. I am able to trust him more easily, because I don't have to look him in the eyes, or actually put my saftey in his hands. There's no way for him to physically force me to do something, I can stop at any point when I feel threatened, or just walk away if i have to (which i havn't). He's also more experienced and has taught me a lot just by talking to me, even before he became "Master". The few times he has had me do something physical or mental, he's asked about how i feel physically, mentally, and listens and lets me go on until i've cleared my mind. That makes it easier to trust him. He shows an interest in me more than just sexual, which is something that i've found a lot of online folks really don't care to know. That has added to my trust. However, should i ever get the chance to meet him, he's not earned that trust yet, not because i don't care about him, or because he's broken any of my trusts to date.

Trust is a two way street. If there's no open communication, it's difficult to trust. Why share a part of yourself with someone who doesn't trust you to know themself. Trust issues is something that i beleive that many of us have to face, and it will always be there. But, by taking time, and really getting to know each other, in the BDSM and the vanilla world, on multiple levels, that trust can be given and recieved. The ability to trust is never gone. It's just hidden by fear, worry, doubt, and experiences.

I hope this helps you, and makes some bit of sense. If you ever want to talk, or just need a friendly ear (eye) to vent to or chat with, please don't hesistate to PM me, or IM me. (my messengers are listed in my profile)

~bratty

[_ID_]

Before I was ever involved or knew about the lifestyle, I had problems trusting others. As a youth I would attempt to open up to someone only to be ridiculed and debased. So I learned to put up an emotional brick wall of sorts. Not letting anyone or anything into my life. I have found this made me rather apethetic towards people who I should normally feel close to.

Only recently with my wife, who helped me to develop myself as a Dominant. To let myself feel the freedom to be myself (execpt around family, thats just too tough), did I learn to tell the world fuck you if you don't like me. As a concequence of this people tend to think of me as a bit of an asshole. I don't care if they do. I am me, and those around me who do like me know that I am not an asshole, just me. My wife has been my most avid cheering section during these hard times, and I am always gratefull to her for this.

Now if your hurt is due to a physical pain that was experienced, and your having a hard time trusting someone so you can enjoy being submissive, and letting them do a play scene with you. Start out slow. Start with something simple. Say a serving scene, where you serve dinner or something of this nature, allowing you to kneel, allowing you to address them as Sir or Ma'am. Once you have done this, and if you find it enjoyable. Move to a little more pain involved scene. Say something like a flogging, or the like. Use a DM (dungeon master) have a submissive friend of yours that you trust to not let you get hurt be the DM. Limit the scene to no more than say 10 or 15 minutes. Just enough to get you warmed up. If your able to let yourself go in this scene you should repeat it till you feel you can do it without having a DM there.

With trust, start small. Work up to larger issues of trust. Think of it in terms of walking and running. You can't run, if you can't walk.

Hope you learn to enjoy the things you desire.

V/R
ID

[Alex Bragi]

Sorry, I can't offer any advice, but I will say, it always angers and saddens me to read things like this. The gift of trust is too precious to not be treated with respect, in or out of the bdsm lifestyle.

[Desperadosong]

Thank you all. I'm sort of like Bratty and ID Crew Dog. Trust has always been an issue for me, but a couple instances have made me throw the wall back up and toss trust out the window. Everyone tells me to start small. I can't even seem to start trusting 'at all'. Thankfully what brought this on again wasn't a physical thing... and I thought I was actually getting better till last week. Then the one person who I had tried trusting did something to severely break that trust... and that was physical. I guess now I've had all those trust breaking issues done to me. Sometimes I think it would be just simpler to keep alone, raise my critters, tend my garden & house and go to work.

Well, I have to leave to take my DD to college.... Ya'll have given me something to think about on the long drive home.

Ds

[Silke]

I'm so sorry you got burned again, Ds. *sighs* This should just never happen - not in a 'nilla context and even less so in a D/s one. I really don't know what to say to this, except don't give up hope, hon. There are wonderful people out there who will do everything in their power to earn your trust and keep it sacred.

I've never been one to trust easily with all my heart, find it difficult to open up sometimes. During the last few months, this is slowly changing...and it's opened up a whole new world to me. I feel so close to the ones I love, above all to Master. He's the one who's been peeling away the layers bit by bit and making me feel good about it. I took the plunge and, boy, did I ever gain a new level of feeling. It's been worth it, and thank God, my experience has been a positive one. I hope you'll meet someone to start the journey again, build up from scratch and find that peace of mind that you deserve.

Please, don't lock yourself in. Yeah, you might get hurt a few times, but believe me, it's better than the stale taste of restrained feeling...

[TomOfSweden]

For those of you that have ever had trust shattered so badly that you left or stepped back from the lifestyle, how did you regain trust again to step back in? I am finding that although I miss the lifestyle, I fear that I now lack the ability to trust on that level again, no matter who.

Ds

Here's my two cents.

In relationhsips I've only seen things from a dominants point of view, but I've been badly hurt. Very much so. For me personally time healed all the wounds and I think I came out stronger because of it. The lesson I learned is that it's better that I comit my heart 100% each time than living in fear of getting it broken. Getting your heart broken I think is preferable to being lonely or living with someone safe and boring you don't really love.

The sad fact is that feeling secure with someone is just a feeling. You can never really know what's going on in another persons head. Be atentive for dishonesty but don't turn into a jelous monster, (which drives people away from you and makes them dishonest).

[dzire2pleeze]

Desperado...whereas some people are too trusting, there are others who are on the other end of the spectrum and trust no one....i have yet to find a comfortable medium.

Trust, like respect, must be earned. Unfortunately, i go out of my way to prove someone untrustworthy. (i.e. everyone is a liar until proven differently). Let's face it, we have been lied to on a daily basis from early childhood on...

We have been lied to by the church, by the government, by teachers, by best friends, who just want to "spare our feelings," or a relative who says to a child "trust me" and then does things that leaves them feeling ashamed. The list goes on and on.

Rockefeller (i believe John D., not sure) had one of his sons stand on a chair. Quite often they played this game, where the youngster would leap off the chair into the elder's arms...one day, while playing this game...Rockefeller held out his arms and said..."Jump." The youngster did, knowing he would end up in the arms of his father and be met with a loving embrace.

Only this time, the father moved and the youngster fell flat on his face. John D. said..."this is your lesson...there is no one in this world, except yourself, that you can trust...not even someone who loves you."

So while this post may sound cynical...i am with John D. This is, however, my choice...you see, we all have choices. Only you can make the choice as to whether or not you want to trust people.

Believe one thing for sure...if you choose not to trust...there is a universal law that dictates...you will receive that which satisfies your needs.

[fantassy]

My philosophy when dealing with people is always "prepare for the worst, hope for the best and expect something in between". In other words, I do put my trust in people and will rely on them, but I always have a back up plan so that I will not be in too much trouble if they fail me. Let's face it - people are fallible, so you need to be self-reliant. Sometimes even when a person wants to do the right thing for you, they are unable to. Unlike Rockerfeller, I have always known that if my parents told me to jump, they would never willingly walk away, but life interferes. They might tell me to jump and then drop dead before they could catch me. So before I jump, I better be pretty sure I will survive if no one catches me.

fantassy

[Ruby]

Ds,

Huge hugs and lots of moral support.

Trust shattered can be devastating. There are some wonderful words of wisdom already written in this thread.

From my own perspective, I'd rather not distrust everyone because of the acts of one. Yet I do subscribe to the "burn me once, shame on you, burn me twice, shame on me" philosphy.

Friedrich Nietzsche said, "That which does not kill us makes us stronger."

So now you're at a point where you are feeling weak and vulnerable, because you've gone through one of the worst things that can happen in any relationship. Yet trust isn't universal, it's personal, it's earned and it's not given lightly.

You may have to learn more about yourself, what went right and what went wrong, discover what new triggers have been set insdie your mind and ask yourself what you really want, before you move forward and allow yourself to trust again.

Give yourself time.

"Fear" and "Love" tend to be mutually exclusive.
While living in fear, its hard to find love.

"Sometimes you just have to be brave. You have to be strong. Sometimes you can't give in to weak thoughts. You have to beat down those devils that get inside your head and try to make you panic. You struggle along, putting one foot a little bit ahead of the other, hoping that when you go backwards it won't be too far backwards, so that when you start going forward again you won't have too much to catch up."

– Ellie, "The Dead of Night" John Marsden

More big hugs,

Ruby