a short short story

[gladgirl]

Hi here is a short short story I wrote that I would like to work on some more. Feedback is appreciated. Thanks.

Junkie

Every girl should own a pair of fuck-me red Maryjanes with a three-inch heel. The salesman hovers over me as I peel back the tissue covering these rubies. I glance covertly around the room wishing someone would draw this voyeuristic purveyor of foot-heroin away from me so I can indulge my habit privately.

I pull one out of the box. Fingers stroke the soft leather as I undo the strap for the first time. Like chocolate melting on my tongue the suede is to my foot. Soft. Velvety. I feel the tingle from my toes to my lips. Endorphines rush as I submit to the strappy shoe bondage one more time. I am lost and victorious as I stand. Taller. Spine straighter. Shoulders back. Neck elongated. My hips fall into the sway of seduction as I saunter up to the mirror.

There is a gleam in the salesman’s eyes. A mixture of greed and fear. His hands, his armpits, his crotch have begun to sweat against the odds even as sweet cold air pumps out of the vent over his head.

“They suit you.”

His compliment is irrelevant. I’m already figuring out how many lunches I’ll skip to pay for another pair.

“I’ll take them.”

I turn in the mirror pulling out my wallet. The salesman has begun his litany of leather protection and accessories but I cut him short.

I’ll wear them out.”

Heads turn as I glide down the street. I smile as I feel eyes on my calves. I feel my power. My sex throbs through my body as I toss my hair off my shoulder with a twist of my head.

Sated.

Until the next pair.

[ElectricBadger]

Very nice, simple and short but very elegant...I love all the sensuous language, and great voice.

[Rhabbi]

Very nice, I like the way you take me inside your head and let me know why women always want shoes.

[^firefly^]

gladgirl...

I loved it! It made me crave a pair of shoes just like the ones the narrator bought, which I hope was the objective! What a sensuous story!

[moptop]

Oh, this was delightful, thank you - I know exactly that feeling, that sense of sensuous power that you have described so beautifully.

[tessa]

That was a hell of a sexy trip to the shoe store. Loved it!

tessa

[Mad Lews]

Very sweet. Enough to make Al Bundy sweat
My only suggestion would be to work on "Like chocolate melting on my tongue the suede is to my foot. Soft. Velvety."
Maybe "The soft velvety suede caresses my foot, like chocolate melting over my tongue."
The allusion is great, so very feminine, but seemed a tad awkward. Just the musings of a mad one.
Mad Lews

[gladgirl]

Very sweet. Enough to make Al Bundy sweat
My only suggestion would be to work on "Like chocolate melting on my tongue the suede is to my foot. Soft. Velvety."
Maybe "The soft velvety suede caresses my foot, like chocolate melting over my tongue."
The allusion is great, so very feminine, but seemed a tad awkward. Just the musings of a mad one.
Mad Lews

Thank you for the wonderful feedback everyone. What do you think of this as an alternative to the akward sentence?

The suede wraps my foot carressing me like a soft velvety chocolate melting over my tongue.

[Mad Lews]

Thank you for the wonderful feedback everyone. What do you think of this as an alternative to the akward sentence?

The suede wraps my foot like a soft velvety chocolate melting over my tongue.

Sounds lickable to me
Mad

[gladgirl]

wow that was some quick replying, lol. You replied before I had the chance to add something to it. hehe.


gladgirl24

[Rhabbi]

Thank you for the wonderful feedback everyone. What do you think of this as an alternative to the akward sentence?

The suede wraps my foot carressing me like a soft velvety chocolate melting over my tongue.

I am upset that Lews was here to reply first, but that image makes my mout waater and I have a strange urge to go shoe shopping.

[gladgirl]

All this positive reinforcement is really getting my creative juices flowing. I think I might be feeling the writer's block lift a little.

[Widget]

I liked it, I wonder did you mean to enter it in the story contest? The may theme is all about those new shoes. If you were not going to you should