DiamondStar IV

[ElectricBadger]

DiamondStar on the Forums

Story Codes: M+/f+ F/f F+/f+ exhibition modification teen toys WaterSport D/s S/M BDSM slavery bondage chastity belt ScFi mc humiliation nc Heavy

Please be aware this thread may include some spoilers


This is my primary work here on the library -- not as long, intense or spectacular as many others I've seen, but hopefully some of you will enjoy it. I'll continue to update here as I go, so chapters will be available a few days earlier.

Also, I know there are a huge number of issues (names switch, details change, and part of my plot seems to have meandered off in an afterglow). I would really love to hear any and all feedback; grammar, spelling, plot, characterization -- anything.

Initial food for thought:
-During the first couple chapters I move back and forth between character points of view. Later, because I wanted the reader to be less omniscient, I moved away from that and concentrated only on the main character. I'd like to rewrite it a bit to be consistent: which would you suggest?
-A few of the names are a bit odd; is this distracting (and I should get some Emily and Janets instead) or do they help build individual personality?
-I initially had a plotline formed around Lisa, but so far that only involves a few hints; should I work in some more 'down time' to develop her more, or just stick to a reasonably fast pace?

[TG]

I know it's a lot to ask people to wade through long monster stories because I've posted some monsters. It's asking people to commit a lot of time. But everyone likes some feedback, even if it's a 12 lb. tome you've uploaded
Then I got here, and found you'd thoughtfully broken it up into bit sized pieces, so here goes. One bite sized piece at a time.
I only have 6 English courses behind me, and none a Workshop, so I did what I usually did: Sat down and read a story, and liked some things and not others. And that's as good a crtique as you got.
Sorry, better luck next time.
I attached a critiqued copy of the last chapter to you. Will try to work back from there as time permits
TG (Thomas_g50)

[ElectricBadger]

Thank you tons, TG -- best critique I could hope for, I'm not writing for English gurus anyhow

[Alex Bragi]

Well, it’s a long one, and so might a big ask, but I like a challenge and I like a good read even more, and, like TG.says, it’s much easier in ‘bit size’ pieces.

As you know, I began reading this one a while back (sorry, I just realised I forgot to score it, but I have now). I think the ratings others have given it and the fact that so many readers have it marked as a “favourite” speaks volumes for the quality and appeal of this piece.

Chapter One:

Ok, from beginning—the first paragraph. I’m a firm believer that the first few sentences are the most important. They’re what will make a reader either want to keep reading, or simply back click and find something else. Well, you’ve sure managed to hook every sci-fi pervert and a few others too, with this one. Masturbation scenes are, obviously, common in bdsm stories, but this one is different. I mean, she “...cut this one herself in senior shop class last year..” I had to smile when I read that, and for those of you wanting to know what I’m talking about, you’re just going to have to read it for yourself.

You’ve then followed on with Nysia’s flow of thoughts which, aside from introducing her, gives a good general background/back drop to the story. I felt her vulnerability was an excellent contrast to Major Jillian Travis. In one short sentence, in introducing her, you managed to let us know just how tough she really is—“To Major Jillian Travis, the battle was disappointingly short.” I find the contrast between Nysia and the Major deliciously titillating—one fragile and innocent, the other... Well, what can I say? She’s a sadistic bull dyke, isn’t she?

Ok, if I had to find fault, and be really super nit-picky “Tears drifted from her eyes” read oddly to me. To me tears drip, drop, or trickle, but hey, that’s just me. Not that I’m an expert on grammar and spelling, or even anywhere close, but everything else looked just fine to me—no typos, no spellos, nothing to jarred a great read.

The first chapter gives us, the readers, all the background we need, and a truly titillating tease as to what is to come next. Yes, we need to know, don’t we? And, that, EB, is surely what good story telling is all about.

[ElectricBadger]

Thank you Alex, means alot to hear from ya! *Licks of appreciation* And yeah...sometimes I end up with wierd word choices...images that sound good at first, but not so much later.

And don't worry...the good grammar will end soon

[Clevernick]

Electric Badger -- I've actually really enjoyed this story and never considered reviewing it, because it seemed too professional to need help.

And my answers to your questions make me continue to think so:

-During the first couple chapters I move back and forth between character points of view. Later, because I wanted the reader to be less omniscient, I moved away from that and concentrated only on the main character. I'd like to rewrite it a bit to be consistent: which would you suggest?

I personally have no problem with inconsistency of this sort, and I do it myself. I could be wrong, but to me it seems natural to occasionally take a point-of-view shift if it's clearly marked and works well in the story.

If you really feel you have to be consistent, and you like the bits from other viewpoints, I'd just do the shift more often so people have to get used to it. And I might leave out the omniscient chapters altogether (shift them to Nyssa's POV) or reserve them for something special that really has to be omniscient.

But any such shift is bound to leave you with loads of small errors which will take many many proofreading passes to fix, so I wouldn't bother personally.

-A few of the names are a bit odd; is this distracting (and I should get some Emily and Janets instead) or do they help build individual personality?

Weird names are par for the course on a futuristic starship setting.

-I initially had a plotline formed around Lisa, but so far that only involves a few hints; should I work in some more 'down time' to develop her more, or just stick to a reasonably fast pace?

I think as long as her character is being developed (which it is) and goes through an interesting transformation over time (not yet I think), she doesn't need her own plotline. Not that it would be bad to have one.

See, I can't review works of genius -- I just end up writing fanmail.

All I can say is I feel really really bad for little whatshername with the permanent implants and hands behind the back.

Cn

P.S. "tears drifted from her eyes" might make perfect sense in zero gravity. Is that where it happens? I forget.

[Alex Bragi]

P.S. "tears drifted from her eyes" might make perfect sense in zero gravity. Is that where it happens? I forget.

Damn it! I hate it when a man's right and I'm wrong. *gg*

[ElectricBadger]

heh, now to try to remember if that was intended or not...!

Thank you for the feedback, CN! Hopefully I'll be back to working on the story soon