We scened tonight and....

[ValKyrie]

I flogged him and was beating on his lilly white behind when he turned on me. I had him shackled to a spreader bar, which was not secured to anything. He reached for me and yelled, "Don't."

Previously, what I was doing would elicit some growls, but we have talked about that. He says that part of his sub space is to go into an almost aggressive mode before going into his quiet space.

Anyway, I wasn't afraid by his reaction, but was at a loss concerning what to do. So I stopped and we moved on to something gentler.

He later apologized, at which point, I reminded him to use safe words. They are there for us to communicate as well as to give me that freedom and power to do what I like. I told him I have to trust him to use them, in order for us to successfully move within our BDSM.

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts or insights they could share.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

You did the right thing. Good for you.

[Ruby]

So glad you changed tactics even though he didn't use the safe word(s).

I'm not sure what his vocabulary is like beyond growling,
but Lord knows in an intense moment the right word doesn't always
come springing from my lips. Complicated safe words like
"watermelon" are totally beyond me.

If he's having trouble using them, then perhaps when he
says "don't" or something of that nature, you can ask him
if he meant - whatever word you have for "slow down" or "stop".
Then have him repeat the word after you.
The easier to say and remember, the faster that word or words
will become a habit.

Best of luck in taking it to the next level.

[NiceMaster]

Next time he does this just ask him again if he want to use his safe word (he doesn't need to really use it as he may forget it !)

[ValKyrie]

Thank you for your responses.

Typically, I would have confirmed his safe word, but found myself filled with a number of emotions that I hadn't previously experienced when engaging in S and M before.

Primarily, I was very disappointed with myself for letting the situation get to that point. Lessons learned, I suppose.

[slavelucy]

Primarily, I was very disappointed with myself for letting the situation get to that point.

Can i ask, how do you mean, disappointed in yourself? About what?

sl

[csr]

Thank you for your responses.

Typically, I would have confirmed his safe word, but found myself filled with a number of emotions that I hadn't previously experienced when engaging in S and M before.

Primarily, I was very disappointed with myself for letting the situation get to that point. Lessons learned, I suppose.

ValKyrie; You shouldn't be dissappointed in you... I think one of the hardest parts for a domme is to know how far to go on any given day. I struggle and fight back often--sometimes I panic thinking the pain is too much "this time."

As soon as she senses that, she stops and asks "you want me to stop?" If I nod my head it is as good as using a safeword. If I realize at that point that I'm still really enjoying the scene, I'll shake my head no--which is a commitment to continue. I can still safeword anytime, but this type of check is just for her to confirm that what she is doing isn't too hard for me.

Personally, I find that shake of the head to be very erotic in itself. If I say "no" then I'm turning over more power, in a sense. Sometimes it takes me 30 seconds or more to clear my head enough and make that decision. Sitting there, bound, breathing heavily, heart racing, deciding whether to nod or shake my head, while she sits close holding the instrument of my soon-to-be torture is a climactic moment in my journey of submission.

Maybe your sub was wrestling with submission too... I often will sheild myself if I can--not because I want to, but as a natural reaction. Last night I broke two chains that I thought normally were strong enough to hold me, I was struggling so hard. Of course I was punished more for it (gee, darn).

[ValKyrie]

Can i ask, how do you mean, disappointed in yourself? About what?

sl

Ya know?

I can't really explain it well, but will give it more thought.

I just felt disappointed. Strange, I suppose?

Thank you.

[ValKyrie]

Maybe your sub was wrestling with submission too... I often will sheild myself if I can--not because I want to, but as a natural reaction. Last night I broke two chains that I thought normally were strong enough to hold me, I was struggling so hard. Of course I was punished more for it (gee, darn).

We have talked about your post and yes, he was struggling. To be blunt, he doesn't like spankings, bottom whippings, and hates the riding crop on his butt. I was testing him and he was feeling it. As my sub, he took the attention to his bottom because I enjoy it. T'is true! This was done with intermittent attention to his back, floggers, whips and scratching...which he particularly enjoyed.

As for your breaking chains? I believe that was his head space. When I was subbing, I wasn't one to struggle. Rather, I was very docile in how I coped with and enjoyed what was happening.

So, it seems that those who are not part of the Ovarian Society do tend to react differently, more aggressively than their counterparts. Where a woman may cry, a man may growl, become aggressive?

His POV was that our play was wonderful, took him farther than he thought he could go and that he truly submitted. In fact, I am the only one in this partnership who is still thinking about those few moments.

I did tell him that I learned that he will be fully restrained next time ! *smirks* This met with mild protests and a bit of a twitch between his legs!

[csr]

We have talked about your post and yes, he was struggling. To be blunt, he doesn't like spankings, bottom whippings, and hates the riding crop on his butt.

I'm the opposite--love it on the ass, not on my back. She routinely takes me there though. From my point of view, when she goes in the places I don't like, yes, I struggle, and I don't like it, and I would stop her if I had a hand free. But...and this is a big but...afterward, I wouldn't change a thing! Push me to my limits, scare me, hurt me... but I'll only love her more later.

As for your breaking chains? I believe that was his head space. When I was subbing, I wasn't one to struggle. Rather, I was very docile in how I coped with and enjoyed what was happening.

I find I go both ways. Some struggle, some quiet submission. But I think you may be right about the m/f difference.

BTW: "Ovarian Society"... LOL. Never heard that one before--it's great.

His POV was that our play was wonderful, took him farther than he thought he could go and that he truly submitted.

I figured as much! Just like I was saying above.

I did tell him that I learned that he will be fully restrained next time ! *smirks* This met with mild protests and a bit of a twitch between his legs!

I think he and I have a fair bit in common. This sounds like me, lol.

[AndrewBlack]

Val - Did you perhaps feel more disappointed because you were stopped from doing something that you were enjoying a lot but assumed your sub would take easily? Or perhaps disappointed because you felt you couldn't gauge your sub well enough?

[ValKyrie]

Thank you, csr. It certainly helps me to make sense of things, never having been a male subbie ...

Andrew: The latter. I was disappointed because I didn't gauge him well enough. But, hopefully, this will be avoided in the future if we both remember our communication. We hadn't scened in a while, and that might have lead to some fuzziness in thought and action.

Thank you

[AndrewBlack]

Don't feel dissapointed, you can't read minds. I know exactly what you mean though, it does kind of snap you out of the moment a bit, but you sound like you got right back in there :smackbum: