A question for you

[jeanne]

This question arises out of a conversation I had the other day with an experienced submissive...

For those who were vanilla and came to this life later on - do you think it is harder to go from vanilla to top or from top to dominant? I guess I should define what I mean by these terms - top: able to deliver pain/pleasure in a play situation and enjoy it - dominant: getting off on the control aspect of the situation, perhaps extending their dominance further into everyday life with their submissive.

Thanks for taking the time to share your thoughts!

[Rhabbi]

My guess is that this is going to vary from individual to individual j. Cannot really help because I was always a Dom, just had to shed a little cultural programming to bring it out.

[gagged_Louise]

I know why you're wondering about this, Jeanne, and I also think this depends on the background of the person(s) involved, and of how hard pain/control we're talking of. If it's really into the sadistic/consensual abuse range - hard bondage, flogging, clit clamps and aggresive cum denial, then I think the step from vanilla to top might be the longer one, because once both parts have accepted and got into the element of real deep pain and submission, it might not be such a huge step to extend this Dom mode to a bigger part of everyday life, making the sub a 24/7 owned slave who can be brought to her knees, mentally or physically, more or less anytime, or at least who has few safe/cordoned-off areas of life in which she would never be touching at her submission

This doesn't mean that the couple are not able to adjust and weigh in a normal outside life (kids, friends, work, relatives, vacations) too, but the Dom (often, the man) takes on a wider Dominant role: Tessa for instance knows about that. Which is, I guess, something that has a pull on both of us, and then we'll see how far it's a workable reality.

[jeanne]

Thanks Rhabbi and louise, for your thoughts. My friend's opinion was that the cultural programming against hitting a woman is much harder to overcome for a man and that once that happens, the move towards dominance becomes natural. I'm seeing that a bit in my own life (yes, louise, you did know what I was talking about ) and hope for more.

[Sir_Russell]

I am with Rhabbi in the fact that I have all ways been a Dominate, even as a child I lead all my sports teams even when I wasn't the best player on the field. I struggled with anger and rage due to my home life and that was the hardest thing to overcome. I took up a flogger less then a year ago because I have been whipped by my mother so say it as an abuse instrument.

This may sound confusing to you but being a Dom or Master comes naturally to me, and I live for the trust and respect that is part of the sub/slave gift.

[annie]

This may sound confusing to you but being a Dom or Master comes naturally to me, and I live for the trust and respect that is part of the sub/slave gift.

Doesn't sound confusing to me Sir Russell.... living for the trust and respect just as a natural submissive lives to serve and give those gifts....

[moptop]

I think it would depend entirely on the person, and on the way their desires and nature tend. Some people find the control side of things more natural, and the play side more difficult; others, the other way round. If you have restrained your own desires for a long time, if you have learnt that controlling someone else is wrong and hurting someone else is wrong, you will have your own path to make to get past these lessons and back into your real self (assuming that any aspect of BDSM is part of your real self).