Seeking some relationship advice

[His_little one]

I’ve been looking around here for a while and you all seem down to earth and intelligent – hopefully you’ll be able to help me out here - I’m looking for some advice, I will try to keep it short.
My Dom and I met online back in February; at the time, we were a few hundred miles apart and knew it was going to remain this way for a few months due to various circumstances. We spent this time talking via email, instant messenger, and the phone during which point I believe we truly began to open up and fall for one another. Since BDSM was, the foundation by which we met that weighed heavily in conversation during the early stages of our relationship – discussing our experiences with it, our curiosities, our fears, and how we would form our own “well balanced/ideal” relationship involving it. Time passed, we met a few times, - once comfortable around one another he began to do little things to test my trust, restraining me with just himself, ring gag, etc… Our first full weekend together in May - we had our first scenes and I was given his collar. Now our whole weekend did not revolve around this aspect of our relationship, but a good part of times we spent alone together I was wearing my collar, I was in a specific outfit he had asked me to be in, symbolic things nothing too serious. After that weekend, we now are only a few miles from one another and are able to see each other on a more regular basis. Now here is my dilemma, BDSM formed a huge part in the foundation of our relationship, and now it is nothing. From the beginning, we talked about how important it was to have that as part of our relationship but also how important it was to find the healthy balance of it within every aspect of our relationship. Well two and a half months together now and we’ve had two basic scenes both of which were simple testing of my comfort level and limits which took place our first week of being “together”, neither of which lasted longer than 20 minutes. This bothers me, I am not sure why, but it does. I brought it up to him and he said he is content building our friendship and spending time concentrating on things we can do now that we are finally together. I agree in a way and don’t want to push it – I love everything about him and I’ve never been happier in my life, but it is becoming a purely vanilla relationship- which I could deal with if it meant being with him, it just confuses me. It is not that I want to be bound and gagged every day, but occasionally so that I know that aspect is still there- even wearing my collar while we watch TV together would be nice. I don’t know if I should just be patient or try voicing my concerns again, I also don’t know if this is something worth worrying about- I’m sure the time will come, but I want it and I feel I need it for a few reasons (reasons of which would be far too long to try and explain here.) Has anyone experienced this that could give me some insight? Any recommendations as to what I should do ?


Any advice is appreciated

His_ little one

(sorry this is a bith legnthy)

[BruceBoxer]

You seem very sensible, sane and sure of your desires and vanilla isn't what you want. He on the other hand, seems like a nice guy but one you'll have to top from the bottom if you want him. I think you're on the right course and simply need to communicate your desires. If he is not capable of fullfilling them, please don't settle--neither one of you will be fulfilled.

Originally posted by His_little one
I’ve been looking around here for a while and you all seem down to earth and intelligent – hopefully you’ll be able to help me out here - I’m looking for some advice, I will try to keep it short.
My Dom and I met online back in February; at the time, we were a few hundred miles apart and knew it was going to remain this way for a few months due to various circumstances. We spent this time talking via email, instant messenger, and the phone during which point I believe we truly began to open up and fall for one another. Since BDSM was, the foundation by which we met that weighed heavily in conversation during the early stages of our relationship – discussing our experiences with it, our curiosities, our fears, and how we would form our own “well balanced/ideal” relationship involving it. Time passed, we met a few times, - once comfortable around one another he began to do little things to test my trust, restraining me with just himself, ring gag, etc… Our first full weekend together in May - we had our first scenes and I was given his collar. Now our whole weekend did not revolve around this aspect of our relationship, but a good part of times we spent alone together I was wearing my collar, I was in a specific outfit he had asked me to be in, symbolic things nothing too serious. After that weekend, we now are only a few miles from one another and are able to see each other on a more regular basis. Now here is my dilemma, BDSM formed a huge part in the foundation of our relationship, and now it is nothing. From the beginning, we talked about how important it was to have that as part of our relationship but also how important it was to find the healthy balance of it within every aspect of our relationship. Well two and a half months together now and we’ve had two basic scenes both of which were simple testing of my comfort level and limits which took place our first week of being “together”, neither of which lasted longer than 20 minutes. This bothers me, I am not sure why, but it does. I brought it up to him and he said he is content building our friendship and spending time concentrating on things we can do now that we are finally together. I agree in a way and don’t want to push it – I love everything about him and I’ve never been happier in my life, but it is becoming a purely vanilla relationship- which I could deal with if it meant being with him, it just confuses me. It is not that I want to be bound and gagged every day, but occasionally so that I know that aspect is still there- even wearing my collar while we watch TV together would be nice. I don’t know if I should just be patient or try voicing my concerns again, I also don’t know if this is something worth worrying about- I’m sure the time will come, but I want it and I feel I need it for a few reasons (reasons of which would be far too long to try and explain here.) Has anyone experienced this that could give me some insight? Any recommendations as to what I should do ?


Any advice is appreciated

His_ little one

(sorry this is a bith legnthy)

[pam]

I've never been in that situation but can't imagine it's that much fun for you.

I think you have to talk to him, openly and honestly, and tell him how you feel. Communication is 100%.

I was brought into 'this' by communication, someone who had an interest in me got inside my head and pulled out all my thoughts, fears and fantasies. He saw something in me I'd never admit to myself. Had we not communicated, I'd still be a closet submissive.

I don't want to say something is skewed there ... and I don't know all the details, but something isn't quite Kosher. If this man truly desired his own sub and now has one, why isn't he all over you? Maybe he just fantasized about wanting his own slave, and now that he has one, he's scared. Maybe it's not what he thought it would be. Maybe truly does want to form a solid friendship/relationship first.

I agree, don't settle. I've done it in the past and all you gain is heartache.

And, good luck

[Kostly]

Its better to long for something then to feel that you get too much of it. Tell him of your need to submit to him... be patient, and communicate, but dont let him dismiss your thoughts as beign silly...

Tell him that you need to be used by him

Tell him how you feel.

Share this forum post with him.

And if after a few months things dont get better, then I would worry about it...

Follow your heart

Kostly

[Kostly]

As a side note, its ok to build a vanilla relationship first, and then go into BDSM. In fact, I wish I had the self control that he is displaying for I know that this is the RIGHT way to do things. Unfortunately most of us Doms have a overweighing desire too experiment and play just like you are feeling, and I think this has cost me personally a few relationships.

Like I said, its better to want then to feel that you dont want enough. ESPECIALLY at the begining, for you will respect it more when you get it.

With that said... Mr. Dom, Its time to step it up a notch...


Kostly

[Mobius]

to earn a little punishment . Why dont you put a dent in his car,
get a speeding ticket. break a tresured thing of his,
push one of his buttens to realy tweak him off,

TELL HIM YOU HAVE BEEN BAD AND NEED A SPANKING!

or maybe he's gay.

[boccaccio2000g]

Originally posted by bbeale7
to earn a little punishment . Why dont you put a dent in his car,
get a speeding ticket.

TELL HIM YOU HAVE BEEN BAD AND NEED A SPANKING!

or maybe he's gay.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
I think Beale is onto something here.

Have you tried hiding the remote? It's not nearly as expensive as a dent or a ticket, but it's almost certain to get a rise out of him.

Particularly if you're wearing something skimpy, have a naughty expression on your pretty face, and tell him that he will have to spank the truth out of you

Boccaccio

[His_little one]

Thank you everyone for your insightful replies. I like to think that as Kostly stated- he’s trying to build the vanilla aspect of our relationship and that wanting more than I am getting will make me respect and appreciate it more when I finally do get it. That’s basically my mindset for now-trying to prod things along, yet being patient and letting him control things at his own pace… after all I am the sub right !?

As far as instigating a punishment- there’s a fine line between truly pissing him off and irritating him to the point he will punish me. I’ve tried pushing his buttons and even challenging his threats, but they get me no where. I know there are times I’ve succeeded but he’s always in such a bad mood from working – instead of getting playfully angry and proceeding to punish me he just gets seriously angry and I am forced to back off. I presume he can tell I’m trying to initiate something which might be why he won’t give me what he knows I want.

Thanks again everyone- keep the wonderful insight coming- oh, and I wont settle. My motto is don’t settle for the one you can live with, wait for the one you can’t live without.

[pam]

"As far as instigating a punishment- there’s a fine line between truly pissing him off and irritating him to the point he will punish me. "

Good point. My favorite words are "make me" because it challenges a Dom, he forces me, and we're both very happy with the outcome.

But, you have to have the right kind of relationship first and know when to draw that line, and when to cross it.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I think you might want to leave the "piss him off" part out, though. Since being struck out of anger is abuse, you might want to consider finding a simpler way to get spanked. Crawl to him naked with his belt held between your teeth. Crawl across his lap and drop the belt at his hand.

If he still doesn't get the point, you can always leave him. LOL

[BDSM_Tourguide]

No, it doesn't. Saying "make me" doesn't challenge anything. It just means you're topping from the bottom. It's when you don't say make me that the dominant is challenged.

I had a submissive once that said "make me." She spent the next five hours tied on her knees, kneeling on kitty litter in a corner. She didn't do it again.

Originally posted by pam
Good point. My favorite words are "make me" because it challenges a Dom, he forces me, and we're both very happy with the outcome.

[pam]

For me, it does, if the Dom knows me well enough to know what pushes my buttons and I'm in tune enough with him to know what pushes his buttons, too.

Force is my turn on. It also puts him in a position of power, so we're both happy.

If I say "make me" and expect him to do A and he does B, it's a
surprise for me, but a welcome one just the same.

He can also NOT do what I expect, or want, and that in itself is cruel. But, I love it

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
No, it doesn't. Saying "make me" doesn't challenge anything. It just means you're topping from the bottom. It's when you don't say make me that the dominant is challenged.

I had a submissive once that said "make me." She spent the next five hours tied on her knees, kneeling on kitty litter in a corner. She didn't do it again.

[veru_skjava]

YIKES..

If I ever uttered those words. *shudders @ the thought*

giggles, I am following this thread with interest and hope things work out well for you.

veru

[His_little one]

I love Tourguides suggestion of crawling naked with his belt between my teeth, but i truly think he would have a heart attack- we haven't gone the "sexual" route yet and i think going to that extreme with no warning he would be so shocked he wouldn't know what to do, and "me" would surely not be it.

I guess i'm still stuck in that awkward transition stage where i'm trying to test the boundaries and his patients. As noted some Dom's are angered at their sub's challenge of "make me" while others seem to be playfully instigated by it. Mine on the other hand - well, who knows. I guess my other dilemma is this exactly - i am trying to test him, trying to figure out where all my boundaries are i'm learning they don't exist- i'm sure any sub can agree with me when i say this is a scary thing, we need limits and consequences for when we cross those lines- it reminds us we're cared for and looked after.

Hmm, perhaps i just solved part of my own problem, maybe this will aspect will get through to him.

Ohh, i hope i haven't filled any ones head with misconceptions about him, he truly is an all around wonderful person....

[pam]

Only you can make the ultimate decision, because only you know him well enough to make that decision.

You have to do what's right for you, never forget that.

Veru -- would there be punishment if you uttered those words? If so -- go for it

[veru_skjava]

Hi pam sis,
No, not punishment like we discuss here. Master and I are not into any form of corporal punishment.

All discipline would be in modifying what privelages I already have, or forfeiting something I cherish for a limited (according to the degree of infraction) period of time.

Actually though, I can see that in a playful situation, he may find it an interesting lil mischief and choose to do something of his own design.


The one thing I can't deal with is causing my owner to feel disappointment in something I have or have not done.

The rewards for my obedience are infuckingcredible. So on that score I have no need to step out of the limitations set for me.

little one sis,

I agree, we NEED limitations, guidelines, rules... I hope you are able to discuss this with him.

veru

[Mobius]

[i]
but he’s always in such a bad mood from working – instead of getting playfully angry and proceeding to punish me he just gets seriously angry and I am forced to back off. I presume he can tell I’m trying to initiate something which might be why he won’t give me what he knows I want.

That line "He just gets seriously angry" Concerns me.
Does he not realise what a wonderous gift he has in your submision. The fact that he has a woman that even will consider relenting control in a relationship is a great gift.

Please do not confuse abuse for D/s. If you have to back off becouse you are concirned that you could be struck in a non erotic way. maybe you should back off and let him come to you. In the mean time maybe you should keep your options open.

Just an unqualified thought.

PS maybe he is a switch.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

So, your submission is about what you want, is it? Sounds like you are the dominant one in your relationship. If you have to manipulate your dominant just to get some reaction out of himm, then I think you and your dominant might need to reassess who really is dominant and who really is submissve.

Manipulation is not submission. It also has no place in any kind of relationship. I had a girlfriend once that liked to keep me wrapped around her little finger and do everything she could to get her way. She's an ex now, too. I learned not to put up with that shit.

Your dominant should not have to be placed in a position of power. He should just be the one with the power. It's really that simple. If that's not how it is, then you likely do not have as much of a d/s relationship as you might believe you do.

Originally posted by pam
For me, it does, if the Dom knows me well enough to know what pushes my buttons and I'm in tune enough with him to know what pushes his buttons, too.

Force is my turn on. It also puts him in a position of power, so we're both happy.

If I say "make me" and expect him to do A and he does B, it's a
surprise for me, but a welcome one just the same.

He can also NOT do what I expect, or want, and that in itself is cruel. But, I love it

[BDSM_Tourguide]

No kidding, veru. I'm sure he could come up with even worse things than I could. Sounds like he's got wuite the imagination for mental anguish rather than just purre physical torture. My kinda guy.

Originally posted by veru_skjava
YIKES..

If I ever uttered those words. *shudders @ the thought*

giggles, I am following this thread with interest and hope things work out well for you.

veru

[BDSM_Tourguide]

LOL Who said anything about sexual? I'm just talking about one sure-fire way to get a spanking. I would hate to think of a submissive actually having to beg for a spanking. That's just wrong. I try to make sure mine gets a fair share of them on her own. Hehehe...

Of course, spankings aren't the only fun thing one can do with their submissive. Just having them crawling on a leash in front of you is a nice touch, too.

Originally posted by His_little one
I love Tourguides suggestion of crawling naked with his belt between my teeth, but i truly think he would have a heart attack- we haven't gone the "sexual" route yet and i think going to that extreme with no warning he would be so shocked he wouldn't know what to do, and "me" would surely not be it.

I guess i'm still stuck in that awkward transition stage where i'm trying to test the boundaries and his patients. As noted some Dom's are angered at their sub's challenge of "make me" while others seem to be playfully instigated by it. Mine on the other hand - well, who knows. I guess my other dilemma is this exactly - i am trying to test him, trying to figure out where all my boundaries are i'm learning they don't exist- i'm sure any sub can agree with me when i say this is a scary thing, we need limits and consequences for when we cross those lines- it reminds us we're cared for and looked after.

Hmm, perhaps i just solved part of my own problem, maybe this will aspect will get through to him.

Ohh, i hope i haven't filled any ones head with misconceptions about him, he truly is an all around wonderful person....

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Go for it, huh? You must think punishment is for fun. I can assure you, in the hands of the right dominant, it is anything but.

Veru is a very good slave. I have had the occasion to know her for over a year now and I think she has a great head on her shoulders. The nice thing is, she uses it often.

I think that, for veru, she does not have the final decision, nor does she want it. She can stick up for herself just fine and she's a strong woman, but her master is the one that decides what she will do, not the other way around. In this world, that's how things should be.

Originally posted by pam
Only you can make the ultimate decision, because only you know him well enough to make that decision.

You have to do what's right for you, never forget that.

Veru -- would there be punishment if you uttered those words? If so -- go for it

[pam]

Actually, with the smiley face at the end, it was a joke.

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Go for it, huh? You must think punishment is for fun. I can assure you, in the hands of the right dominant, it is anything but.

Veru is a very good slave. I have had the occasion to know her for over a year now and I think she has a great head on her shoulders. The nice thing is, she uses it often.

I think that, for veru, she does not have the final decision, nor does she want it. She can stick up for herself just fine and she's a strong woman, but her master is the one that decides what she will do, not the other way around. In this world, that's how things should be.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Like what, sweetie? Give us examples. I'd personally like to know.

Originally posted by veru_skjava
All discipline would be in modifying what privelages I already have, or forfeiting something I cherish for a limited (according to the degree of infraction) period of time.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I agree. Having a prtner that gets seriously angry just because you want some attention doesn't sound like someone I would want to play with personally.

However, I do not agree that submission is a gift. You don't submit to someone because you don't want anything in return. You submit to someone and expect them to dominate you. There's no exchange of gifts, it's a relationship, which is the same thing as a contractual negotiation.

I offer to Little One and others new to the lifestyle the link to the BDSM Library Academy Dungeon. I recommend that those of you that have questions to have a look at it. It's growing all the time.

http://www.bdsmlibrary.com/dungeon/

Originally posted by bbeale7
That line "He just gets seriously angry" Concerns me.
Does he not realise what a wonderous gift he has in your submision. The fact that he has a woman that even will consider relenting control in a relationship is a great gift.

[pam]

Of course it's about what I want. If it wasn't I'd not be seeking that type of relationship in the first place.

I also never said I had a dominant man in my life, nor have I ever manipulated the ones I've had. Right now, working 80 hours a week, I can't devote the time needed to a relationship.

I also don't get involved in a 'traditional' D/S relationship, because I know what I need, and what I crave, is not the norm. Any man who has been involved with me knew that from the outset and was obviously on the same wavelength as I was.

Just because I'm submissive and serve someone does not mean I give up my own individual needs and desires. I'm not owned, nor will I ever be. If it's what you choose, more power to you. I have a friend who has been owned for 11 years now (trying to get her to this site, too) and she's happy. I'm happy for her. We've shared our experiences and connect on a level not many can understand. But as much as we're alike, we're as different as night and day, too.

As I've said before, a mindfuck is a powerful thing

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
So, your submission is about what you want, is it? Sounds like you are the dominant one in your relationship. If you have to manipulate your dominant just to get some reaction out of himm, then I think you and your dominant might need to reassess who really is dominant and who really is submissve.

Manipulation is not submission. It also has no place in any kind of relationship. I had a girlfriend once that liked to keep me wrapped around her little finger and do everything she could to get her way. She's an ex now, too. I learned not to put up with that shit.

Your dominant should not have to be placed in a position of power. He should just be the one with the power. It's really that simple. If that's not how it is, then you likely do not have as much of a d/s relationship as you might believe you do.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Ah. I missed that.

Originally posted by pam
Actually, with the smiley face at the end, it was a joke.

[BDSM_Tourguide]

I would classify you, if I had to, as liking kink, but not as submissive. Submissives derive pleasure from the serving, the servitude and the pleasure of the one they serve. You do not strike me as the type of person that submits, as the definition bespeaks.

However, nothing wrong with that at all. Bickering over terminology is pretty pointless. However, enjoying kink and spankings does not make one a submissive.

I would hope that no submissive would ever give up their individual wants and needs. Nor would I hope that any submissive would give up their sense of self to please someone. It takes a strong person to submit to someone. Broken ones and doormats are not submissives, in my opinion, they are just people in need of some therapy.

The mindfuck, as you call it, may be a powerful thing. It also might just be a form of manipulation. It depends how it's used.

Originally posted by pam
Of course it's about what I want. If it wasn't I'd not be seeking that type of relationship in the first place.

I also never said I had a dominant man in my life, nor have I ever manipulated the ones I've had. Right now, working 80 hours a week, I can't devote the time needed to a relationship.

I also don't get involved in a 'traditional' D/S relationship, because I know what I need, and what I crave, is not the norm. Any man who has been involved with me knew that from the outset and was obviously on the same wavelength as I was.

Just because I'm submissive and serve someone does not mean I give up my own individual needs and desires. I'm not owned, nor will I ever be. If it's what you choose, more power to you. I have a friend who has been owned for 11 years now (trying to get her to this site, too) and she's happy. I'm happy for her. We've shared our experiences and connect on a level not many can understand. But as much as we're alike, we're as different as night and day, too.

As I've said before, a mindfuck is a powerful thing

[pam]

It's ok

I actually thought about going back and making some sort of disclaimer that it was a joke ... but then got busy reading something and lost all track of time

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
Ah. I missed that.

[pam]

Spankings? *yawn*. Spend 25 minutes working over my tits with a riding crop and now we're talking



You don't know me well if you don't think I'm submissive. Then again, you've never had me in bed

I derive pleasure from serving, of course, and often have done things I didn't really like, but did it because it pleased. But there is nothing wrong with a Dom giving me what I like if it pleases him as well. He should also withhold that pleasure since he knows I crave it, too. Therein lies the mindfuck.

I don't think what I crave is merely kink, but I'm also not going to lay my desires out in public, I don't want y'all thinking I'm weird or something

Originally posted by BDSM_Tourguide
[font]=century gothic]I would classify you, if I had to, as liking kink, but not as submissive. Submissives derive pleasure from the serving, the servitude and the pleasure of the one they serve. You do not strike me as the type of person that submits, as the definition bespeaks.

However, nothing wrong with that at all. Bickering over terminology is pretty pointless. However, enjoying kink and spankings does not make one a submissive.

I would hope that no submissive would ever give up their individual wants and needs. Nor would I hope that any submissive would give up their sense of self to please someone. It takes a strong person to submit to someone. Broken ones and doormats are not submissives, in my opinion, they are just people in need of some therapy.

The mindfuck, as you call it, may be a powerful thing. It also might just be a form of manipulation. It depends how it's used.[/font]

[Mobius]

excuse me my cat butthead is walking on the keyasldfasdf board.

sorry about that.

it is nice for some of you that you have the comfedence in one's self that you know what you want, and how to get it. but to most of us it would come off as arragent and brass. to the fairrer sex a probeble turn off.

an example by the bbeale "bondage players".

HEY SLUT

what did you call me !

SLUT

slap kick in the balls, im gong to my mothers.

the next day the divorce decree comes

and the sub owns half of your stuff

this has been a production of the bbeale bondage players.

This is why I say it is a gift that the woman is willing to offer subbmission as a gift.
it has to be offered
it is a gift it can not be taken.
only my ungualified opinion I do not claim to be master zarro the great dominator.
But I do know what does not work and if you approach woman the wrong way. Something unplesent is usaly the result.

Yes coffidence is very important. But comunication is more important.
I now return the thread to the original topic.

sorry