My reluctant partner...

[Sunyata]

I've been obsessed with the desire to be bound during sex since I was a teen. Yet I have never enjoyed bondage play with anyone (other than myself of course). The reason for this is that my longtime partner is not much into sex. We suffer from the a great mismatch in sex drives. She is usually fine once she is aroused, but it's getting her aroused that is often the show-stopper.

Recently we have begun to work harder on fixing our sex life. In this context, I shared with her for the first time my deep desire to be bound and dominated. I talked about 3 elements of bondage play: real restraint, teasing and roleplay. She seemed okay with the first two, but then went really negative at the thought of roleplaying. So we backed off on the roleplay and took a small initial step of binding me during a session of mutual masturbation. It was awesome!

So I'm hoping to hear other people's stories about how they introduced BDSM play to a reluctant partner and to get tips on how to do it successfully.

(Note: leaving my partner is not an option.)

[Dngnkeeper]

Hi Sunyata. Welcome to the forum.

Well now this is and interesting question. Or actully several questions. First let me start with a question. First, what is your goal. Is it, as you said, to realize "my deep desire to be bound and dominated"? Or is it to increase the frequency of sexual activity?

That asked B&D and do not have to be sexually based. It is quite possible to bring both bondage and disaplin in to your relationship in a non sexual way.

But as you also noted there is a difference in your sex drive. Is your persuit of BD only a sexual thing for you? Or can you get the satisfaction without the sex?

A couple of other questions that might shed some light on the situation and get you a more coherent answer. Is your partner's lower sex drive a natural condition or is it due to a busy schedule, previous problems or abuse, other distrations such caring for a sick person etc. Also how does your partner feel about the current state of your sexual activity? Do they see a need to, or have a desire to, increase frequency. Keep in mind they have to want to change and if they are perfectly satisfied with the current conditions then you may not be successfull as much as you try. Remember the addage "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

If you would like to share more in this I'm sure the forum can have some advise.

[tha]

Hi
when i read this i thought about how i was introduced to bdsm. Firstly i was shocked when he told me, but after a lot of conversations (and crying) i calmed down. We talked an entire weekend , where we discussed our sex life, both the vanilla and bdsm. Before this, i was beginning to grow tired of our sex life, perhaps because it was getting boring. I didnt talk to him about this, as i was to embarresed to discuss such matters.

My advice is: talk talk talk, ask her what her reason is for not wanting to try out this. Ask her what she wants, perhaps she has some ideas. Give her time to accept it, I myself has taken 4-5 months just to begin reading about it and posting on this forum, so be patient with her. After we have talked this through we have become more happy for each other, and we a bigger sexual appetite for each other. best of luck to both of you.

[erotic_nibbles]

Hi Sunyata. Welcome to the forum.

Well now this is and interesting question. Or actully several questions. First let me start with a question. First, what is your goal. Is it, as you said, to realize "my deep desire to be bound and dominated"? Or is it to increase the frequency of sexual activity?

That asked B&D and do not have to be sexually based. It is quite possible to bring both bondage and disaplin in to your relationship in a non sexual way.

But as you also noted there is a difference in your sex drive. Is your persuit of BD only a sexual thing for you? Or can you get the satisfaction without the sex?

A couple of other questions that might shed some light on the situation and get you a more coherent answer. Is your partner's lower sex drive a natural condition or is it due to a busy schedule, previous problems or abuse, other distrations such caring for a sick person etc. Also how does your partner feel about the current state of your sexual activity? Do they see a need to, or have a desire to, increase frequency. Keep in mind they have to want to change and if they are perfectly satisfied with the current conditions then you may not be successfull as much as you try. Remember the addage "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink."

If you would like to share more in this I'm sure the forum can have some advise.

<----enjoying watching a true Master at work .....you impress me
~~nibbles~~

[Sunyata]

Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement.

Dngnkeeper, to answer some of your questions:
My partner has always had a low sex drive by nature. She wants to want sex more often and to try adventurous things, but in the moment, if she is not aroused, she gets stressed and occassionally panics. Any tips on how to solve this low-desire problem are DESPERATELY needed.

Regarding B&D without sex, this is very interesting. I want to hear more. B&D are so sexually arousing for me that they're hard for me to imagine separately. However, an ideal situation might be one in which I get bound and even disciplined, and she doesn't have to have sex so often. The catch here is that I fear if she is not sexually aroused, B&D play will just creep her out. And as I said before, she went really negative on the idea of roleplay. (And of course it's hard to roleplay the Dom since you're running the show.)

So my plan at this point is to slowly try to get her used to the idea of me being bound (which now I think she finds a little scary); then perhaps work our way up to teasing the captive; and eventually hopefully to roleplay.

tha, you are right, I must be patient and go slow (it's really hard for me to go slow). We are talking a lot now which is great. Although our communication in general is awesome, it has been terrible when it comes to sex because we've had problems for so long. So we shall keep the conversation going.

What I could really use is a book or video that portrays bdsm as something that is natural and even healthy (although a bit strange). This might help her get over any hang-ups she has, as well as provide us with particular things to discuss.

Thanks again! (It's amazing to have someone to talk to about this.)

[Dngnkeeper]

Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement.
Dngnkeeper, to answer some of your questions:
My partner has always had a low sex drive by nature. She wants to want sex more often and to try adventurous things, but in the moment, if she is not aroused, she gets stressed and occassionally panics. Any tips on how to solve this low-desire problem are DESPERATELY needed.

HHMM... A sort of performance anxiety. Sometning I'm more used to seeing in men. Hhmm. My experience tells me this can be caused by many things such as past abuse, certin drugs, physical injury, hormonal imbalance, leftover problems from her enviroment during childhood, just to name a few. Hopefully your conversations and knowledge of her can reveal which. Knowing whats up can lead to a personalized course of action. But the basic advise for you as her partner is to be supportive and appreciative of the times when she is arroused and not to shed a negative light. Applying pressure to perform is just making the problem worse.

Another thought, or is it a question, is what turns her on or excites her. Does she like to see you naked, in pretty undies, dressed to the nines, t-shirt and jeans. Does she like it when you serve her, ie, getting things for her, coking, driving etc. Or does she like you quiet and in the background. This is something you need to know so that you can find ways to incorperate it into your activities. Suduction is a marvelous way to enguage the mind. And where the mind goes the body usually follows.

I guess what I am saying to you is to put her at ease and make her feel good about her sexuality and comfortable about expressing it. While its important to know why "she gets stressed and occassionally panics" so that in the long run you can help her to put these reasons behind her and enjoy her sexuality. The first step is to acept the fact and show your joy and apperciation when it works. Also remember sex is a two way street and she needs to get something from it. Find out what the something is and make sure she gets it. This is very much a trust building operation. The more she trusts you to be a loving and positive sexual partner the more she can open up to you and feel safe knowing that when she doesn't perform you will be there for her.

Regarding B&D without sex, this is very interesting. I want to hear more. B&D are so sexually arousing for me that they're hard for me to imagine separately. However, an ideal situation might be one in which I get bound and even disciplined, and she doesn't have to have sex so often. The catch here is that I fear if she is not sexually aroused, B&D play will just creep her out. And as I said before, she went really negative on the idea of roleplay. (And of course it's hard to roleplay the Dom since you're running the show.)

Odviously for you B&D will be a sexual thing. So to make this a non sexual activity you need to stop thinking of the final outcome being sex with her. As I said above applying pressure to perform sexually is going to be counter perductive. So you will need to make the goal of B&D something other then sex with her. There needs to be some value for her in the activity. You will need to find a comon ground for the activity. While it might be small I suspect there is one.

A few concepts to think about. Can B&D be used in your relationship to modify some of your behavior or keep you in line. In the house hold I'm sure you have some duties that youre are expected to perform on a regular basis, ie shoping, washing the dog, paying the bills and ballancing the check book, lawn care, getting good grades, whatever. Could you set up some form of reward and punishment system based on B&D such that demarits are set for not performing and at the end of the week or such the perscribed punishment is carried out. Or if you don't have any then you get some reward.

Another concept is that of visual appeal. As I said above if you can add the elements of bondage to what is visually allealing to her so she can get some thing from the experience.

Keep in mind that bondage is more then cuffs, chains and rope. Think about the concept of corsets, tight skirts, hobble shirts, and certin types of shoes. If these have some appeal to you then this is a bondage thing you can participate in without her. And if she likes what she sees all the better. Eventully she may request or insist on this as part of your relationship.

Another concept might be personal time for her. For example if she likes bad scifi moves and you don't she, or you, could tie you up and have you arround on her lap or at her feet when you might not be otherwise present or happy. Or maybe she would like to have you in wrist and ankle cuffs to get the wine and bree during the movie. So now you can do something together and both enjoy it when you normally wouldn't. And it gives her the ability to exersize control. She could enjoy the trust of you handing her the keys to your outfit and you the submission.

Still another concept of bondage involves the chastity belt. Could she want to totally control the sexuality of the realtionship. There could be some value here as it completely removes any notion of her performing sexualy solely for your benefit. At this point the sexual relationship becomes all about her and satisifying her needs. I have seen this work very well in het relationships where the woman has a lower sex drive and feels her needs are left out of the equasion.

Thats just a short list of possible things. They are not mutually exclusive. Mix and match a little from here and some from there. But the general concept is what ever it is you do the goal is not sexual activity. I have a couple of real life descriptions of a couple of these if you are interested. PM for more info.

So my plan at this point is to slowly try to get her used to the idea of me being bound (which now I think she finds a little scary); then perhaps work our way up to teasing the captive; and eventually hopefully to roleplay.

Great plan. Slow is the key. Keep in mind you have had the fantacy of bondage since you were very young and encountered the handcuffs. For her this is something you have sprung on her and it, for her, is scary uncharted teritory. I hope she sees it in the light of adding to your relationship and not as something to just be delbt with.

tha, you are right, I must be patient and go slow (it's really hard for me to go slow). We are talking a lot now which is great. Although our communication in general is awesome, it has been terrible when it comes to sex because we've had problems for so long. So we shall keep the conversation going.

I think you are right on track. Remember to look for the common ground.

What I could really use is a book or video that portrays bdsm as something that is natural and even healthy (although a bit strange). This might help her get over any hang-ups she has, as well as provide us with particular things to discuss.

Thanks again! (It's amazing to have someone to talk to about this.)

For books I always recomend Larry Townsand's Leatherman's Handbook. It was the first book to be published in 72 and still for me is the standard on the ins and outs. Although it is a gay S&M how to the concepts still apply to all genders and flavors of BDSM. You might try Different Loving by Gloria Brame, Screw the Roses by Phillip Miller, S&M 101 by Jay Wiseman, Erotic Surrender by Claudia Varrin or some of the newer books for more girl oriented writing. I bet some others have some ideas for books.

As for movies, I havent seen any that arn't some sort of role playing. For some good girl on girl bondage role play with little or no sex try the ones offered at bondagedivas.com or harmonyconcepts.com. Who knows you might find something that interests her there.

I hope that helps a little. I'm sure some others will have some good words to. If you have any more to share or more questions, we would love to hear. And also what you found is working for you, is important too, as there are others who haven't posted that will have similar questions.

Good luck.

[Sunyata]

Wow, thank you for all of your thoughtful comments!

I have a lot to think about. I am particularly intrigued by your suggestions for non-sexual b&d and for making the sexual relationship all about satisfying her. (I was already thinking about offering her unlimited oral sex in exchange for letting me be bound.) The books also sound like a good starting point.

Thank you so much. I'll keep you posted as things progress. *fingers crossed*

[Sunyata]

We made some progress!

I proposed the following agreement to my partner:
* She gives me permission to engage in self-bondage while she is around.
* She holds the only key to my bonds and frees me at a pre-specified time.
* She is not obligated to participate at all (no pressure is essential for her).
* She is welcome to watch, tease me, do whatever she wants.
* She can at anytime and without notice receive unlimited oral sex from me while I am bound (this offer never expires and she doesn't owe me anything for the service).

To my delight, she agreed to this arrangement, and we tried it last night. I gave her the key before binding my wrists together and my ankles together with my set of black leather cuffs and shiney brass padlocks. I struggled for 40 minutes nude on the bed trying to give myself an orgasm. It was a lot of fun! She did not participate this time except by freeing me at the end.

This may seem like a small step, but it's a big step for us. I'm hoping she will become comfortable with me being bound and with her holding my key. Hopefully, when she is ready, she will begin to use me as her own personal sex toy.

[Dngnkeeper]

We made some progress!

This may seem like a small step, but it's a big step for us. I'm hoping she will become comfortable with me being bound and with her holding my key. Hopefully, when she is ready, she will begin to use me as her own personal sex toy.

I think you have made several big steps. You have found some common ground for DS and she has been open to it. In addition you have found a way to build some trust in both the DS and sexual areas of your relationsip. And she is able to exersize a dominant role from a position of comfort while you are able to enjoy both bondage and submission. All in one move. Wow way to go.

It looks like you two have found a path that can lead to the expansion of your relationship that you have been looking for.

Continued good luck

I hope you can share more of the success as you go along.

[subterfuge]

I think you have made several big steps. You have found some common ground for DS and she has been open to it. In addition you have found a way to build some trust in both the DS and sexual areas of your relationsip.

It looks like you two have found a path that can lead to the expansion of your relationship that you have been looking for.

Continued good luck

Dngnkeeper,

Hi, I stumbled across this thread while searching for someone else and noticed Sunyata's photo in the member's list (what can I say ... Sunyata, you are gorgeous), and was very interested in the topic, as dissimilar sex drives are very often a problem with male/female relationships, although I've been very very fortunate with my last two lovers. And at least one lesbian friend of mine complained of the same thing. Well actually she just plainly said girls don't like to fuck (her word, not mine), and she did. I however try not to believe in generalizations, especially radical ones that are so clearly off the mark.

The other aspect of the issue that was covered, that affects so many people, is dissimilar or even completely different tastes in sexual activities. With my last two lovers, one taught me about bondage and submission, while the other would have totally freaked. I'm still mourning the loss of the former.

At any rate, I'm writing because I'm so impressed with your detailed and thoughtful advice. I hope to be able to apply some of them in the future, unless of course I get lucky and find another lover that has to bring me up to speed again. That would be nice.

regards,
sunburststrat