The collar big deal or no?

[Woodchuck]

I'm just curious what you guys think. Is the collar important, or just another restraint?

Sites like www.eternitycollars.com try to make it sound like the defining part of a Dom/sub relationship.

[J's blu]

i will only speak for myself Sir, but for me YES it is a big deal. i would liken it to the engagement and wedding ring all in one.
it is the outward symbol of a promise, just something tangable. i suspect it is somewhat the same for Dom/Masters/Mistresses. just a sign that says that is mine.

blu

[Dngnkeeper]

Woodchuck a collar is as important as the two of you want it to be. For most people they represent a commitment between two people to the relationship and serve as an outward sign of the BDSM aspects of the relationship.

The eternity collars are very nice and simple, their sublule design allows them to be worn 24/7 with out calling too much attention, but are recognized easily by those in the lifestyle.

Good Luck with your journy.

[Ruby]

I agree with Dngnkeeper on this one. It's really up to the couple.

Nathaniel, my pet, wears a collar for me in private. He looks pretty adorable with the leash between his lips. Having him in a collar was and continues to be a big deal for us. We had a very nice ceremony for the first time he put it on. If we ever decide to go to an event as a couple, you bet he'll be wearing his collar. He's mine, all mine!

Yes, as blu confirmed, the domme part of me wants him marked as very taken.

My husband, T, has a ring on my finger and I have one on him. The collar isn't as important to T. Yet we recently went to an anime convention and I dressed as a furry, wearing one of my play collars. He got this nice big gleam in his eye when I put it on and that made my day.

[anon_artist]

My significant other isn't into the lifestyle, even as a hobby, so neither of us are collared. I do, however, wear a belled collar sometimes when I go clubbing or something to that extent. It's more fashion than symbolic

Once though, a few weeks ago, we were at an adult superstore while I was wearing one and he got tired of my constant running around from item to item ogling or reading the package in a loud voice, so he pulled a lanyard from his pant pocket and attached it to my collar. He led me around by it and it was quite fun! That story had nothing to do with anything, by the way, it's just a rather fond memory that I like sharing

[Ranai]

Things don't have meanings all by themselves; they have the meanings you give them.

Thank goodness, there is no such thing as a Great Global BDSM Overseeing Authority Figure who prescribes what we are supposed to find meaningful or not.

Many people use a collar as a symbol of commitment, ownership, love, dedication, Dominance/submission and so forth. For many it can also be an item of aesthetic pleasure. It is close to the head, so it is within view when people communicate face to face. Putting it on someone involves messing around in the comfort zone close to their head, with all its sensitive organs and carotid artery. So allowing someone to put a collar around your neck is an act of trust.

Personally the symbolism has never caught hold in my mind, and quite possibly it never will. For me, a collar is empty of meaning. So if I used one, it would just be another restraint. Very practical, of course, because it goes on a narrow part of the body where it can't be removed if locked. But as personally I don't think collars look very good on men nor on women either, I have to decline for aesthetic reasons too.

It frequently happens in stories that a character leads another character from pillar to post with a collar and leash, even though the thusly led would obviously follow anyway if so commanded. I tend to find this a source of amusement. Unfortunately, the amusement at times throws me out of the story, and I need a while before I can take the characters somewhat seriously again...

[Woodchuck]

Sorry about the lack of clarification. I was definatly looking for "your" take on the collar thing, I knew everyone took it differenty. I was trying to see the different ways people treated it around here.

[Adamoverjules]

it's a very important thing. It symbolizes my official ownership of jules, and with all we've been through in the past, that is a big step for us, right angel? It's something that I can ask her to put on when I want her to, or something she can sleep in, I can always reach over and play with it when she's wearing it, and it makes us both think of what it means.

[csr]

Just as was said before, everyone's way of doing things is different... and thank god there is no special set of rules for us all . We don't use a collar in a symbolic fashion in our relationship, but I must say that when I am wearing one as a restraint (or even if I am wearing one during a scene but not restrained by it) I get a 30% increase in submissive feelings. There is just something really exciting about wearing it around my neck. (mine is fairly large, with large rings so it's not a good "public" collar).

[Woodchuck]

See, I personally think it must be much easier to have it as a symbol of play. Collar on, BANG D/s roles are assumed. Collar off, BANG roles dimiinished.

[her_Joe]

See, I personally think it must be much easier to have it as a symbol of play. Collar on, BANG D/s roles are assumed. Collar off, BANG roles dimiinished.

And that's why we will be adopting more than one collar! pita and I are well on our way to a 24/7 D/s relationship and we both like the symbolism of that expression of it, but she will be working outside the home and needs to be "professional," which we take to be something even more removed than "discreet."

So for our play, we will have a simple leather training collar. This is the collar you were referring to, woodchuck, and its meaning is clear .... lots of banging and play roles are assumed

She spent a lot more time than I enjoyed shopping for choker jewelry from lifestyle establishments and I picked the one I wanted to try ... it will be an "in public" symbol for us for our first year.

At the end of the first year, if we decide to enter a permanent D/s contract, we'll have designed a new collar to our own specs and hold a collaring ceremony much like would accompany a wedding.

So you can see, the collar is important to us ... but as a practical matter it can't be just one.

her_Joe

[Ruby]

See, I personally think it must be much easier to have it as a symbol of play. Collar on, BANG D/s roles are assumed. Collar off, BANG roles dimiinished.

Yes, that's how my men and I use a collar. It's why I have a few to fit the mood we are setting.

Though for many, there is comfort in wearing a collar or other symbolic item 24/7. The ring on my finger doesn't come off.

---

anon_artist, I loved the story. Thanks for sharing.

[fetishdj]

For most people that I have talked to - both online and in R/L - the collar does seem to represent a committment thing. IN fact, I have heard many stories of marriage like ceremonies linked to 'collaring' a slave very similar to the ones discussed in here. So, I suppose that is how I see it myself. Though I have never yet been collared formally by a Mistress.

Some of them have put a collar on me or ordered me to wear a collar as part of play but I do not consider that being 'collared' as such. Seperating the physical act of wearing a collar from the more ethereal sense of ownership that it represests. If I were collared formally, I would still be collared regardless of what I was wearing in the same way that taking a wedding ring off makes you no less married.

I suppose being collared is a long term dream of many subs in this lifestyle - in some cases an unattainable distant goal. The collar itself is a reminder of that status and can be represented by anything - chokers are commonly used because they are a vanilla acceptable close approximation of a collar but you can also use tie pins, broaches, piercings, bracelets etc. with special significance and design.

[Mad Lews]

Sorry about the lack of clarification. I was definatly looking for "your" take on the collar thing, I knew everyone took it differenty. I was trying to see the different ways people treated it around here.

Hi Woodchuck,

I am more into substance over symbolism. I find collars interesting trinkets at worst and useful toys at best. But then I'm trying real hard not to be mistaken for a romantic. I save my symbolic repertoire for stories and stick to the hard realties in my personal life. Commitment exists with or without symbolism, if you want or need a token that's OK but I for one don't.
Did that add to the confusion?

Mad Lews

[Woodchuck]

Hi Woodchuck,

I am more into substance over symbolism. I find collars interesting trinkets at worst and useful toys at best. But then I'm trying real hard not to be mistaken for a romantic. I save my symbolic repertoire for stories and stick to the hard realties in my personal life. Commitment exists with or without symbolism, if you want or need a token that's OK but I for one don't.
Did that add to the confusion?

Mad Lews

Tell you what, I am enjoying the lack of focus on a single item. BDSM seems to have it's eyes open to the reality of commitment. The people I have met online/heard from in threads have a real value for commitment, and it doesn't revolve around a gold ring. Their dedication revolves around real feelings, and reciprocated emotion.

[Ruby]

Their dedication revolves around real feelings, and reciprocated emotion.

A wonderful observation. And so very true.

[Mad Lews]

Tell you what, I am enjoying the lack of focus on a single item. BDSM seems to have it's eyes open to the reality of commitment. The people I have met online/heard from in threads have a real value for commitment, and it doesn't revolve around a gold ring. Their dedication revolves around real feelings, and reciprocated emotion.

Dear Woodchuck,
By George I think you've got it! A relationship is about commitment. but you really have to watch how you use that word around mad men.
We are by nature sensitive about commitment especially if it's court ordered.
Yours
Truly Mad
Lews

[His_pita]

I can't wait till I can get my collar. Like my Joe said the first one will be for our first year. I was overwhelmed and very grateful at his patience in letting me choose just the right on. Someone really should design something less Goth for the everyday, middle aged woman!

The one for play in private I left entirely up to my Joe. He does deserve to have some say without having to threaten His pita with the brush.

Our final and forever one will be at the end of our year. To me it's just as important and meaningful as a wedding ring is. * Not that I don't want that too, hint, hint *

[Ruby]

Congratulations, His_pita!

What do you mean by final and forever one?

[master_kyrk1]

To me collars are important for more than play.; It is a symbol of my ownership of the submissve/slave it is a public display much like a wedding ring to tohers that this one is mine hands off with out permission. It also reminds them of the bond and commitment that we have. While it is not completely neccessary for a collar if you have given your word to committ to another that in and of itslef should be enough. The collar for many submissives seems to help intensify theri feelings and for the dominant also intensifies the feeling of ownership and control.
It is important to ind a collar suitable for your public lifestyle. Carter Stevens had one on the market that while it was leather looked like a hugh end choker. Also J.D.'s Stockroom seels a nice assortment of dress collars and anklets. Several of which are fastened with set screws. this allows you to get the feeling of ebing locked in without an obvious lock.

With my wife (she is also my submissive) I collared her initially in private about 3 years ago. We will be doing a formal recoallring recommitment ceremoney this fall. For that her permant one and only caollar I am having a friend who works with metal custom make. This way she gets a collar that can be worn all the time whether it be to work or with fmaily and friends. I get a collar she finally can wear all the time to symbolize my love, control, and care for her.

Hope my 2 cents does not add to the confusion.......

[His_pita]

Congratulations, His_pita!

What do you mean by final and forever one?

Thank you Ruby.

What I mean by final and forever is that we have decided that when we enter real life we will sign our contract that we have been working on since meeting each other and knowing we want real life. my Joe will then give me a collar that we have picked out that I will wear for the first year of my training.

At the end of that year if we are still committed to a 24/7 D/s lifestyle, as we feel we will be. We will make a new and probably much simpler contract and design a collar that will be my permanent one. Like a wedding ring would be. We want to have a ceremony where our friends and family can join us and witness our happiness and commitment to each other.

I admit being new to this lifestyle and a fairly private and reserved person I had initial feelings that I would be embarrassed to admit D/s to my family. But, loving my Joe and understanding this lifestyle much more clearly now, I think it will be a very beautiful and moving event. One I am really looking forward to and find myself wondering, "whatever will I wear."

[Kaori-san]

I think it's up to the couples wishes and choices.

However to me, it is something that is enjoyed greatly and I love the idea of having a collar to wear to show my Dom that I'm theirs.
However the idea that one could be beautiful and seen by others as a pretty choaker necklace and to be complimented on how nice it is when they have no idea what it really is is nice too

I mean something like this:

[Bald_J_and_F]

Late Mistress made no big deal of the collar. She used to say: "You wear my collar on your heads", refering to our bald heads. What she was very much into though were neck-corsets.

[Masters_lilone]

i'm not collared yet but will be next month when my Master comes to visit me. but yes my collar is a big deal to me but not in a bragging way though. to me my collar helps me to remember that i am an owned slave and also of my Master's promise to love and protect me at all costs and it's also a sign of our hearts joining to become one.

[myri_SN]

i am wearing my collar since about 3 weks afer we first met. it started more with that i was staying with him for the weekend and he took me to my first munch and club. i made a collar out of boredom a fe wmonth back, i weaved it out of beads and brass wire and bought a small padlock to go with it.
before we went to the club i umpacked this collar, when he saw it he decided if i was going to wear it and he would be putting it on me. this was over two years ago and it has never come off since. hoever the first valentines he bought an antique silver padlock made from 101 year old silver coins with queen victoria on them. my original collar has been breaking from wear and tear so we changed this a few times to leather cord then steel wire and now i got a quite chunky silver chain on it. i suppose it looks a bit like those fashionably necklaces with the t-bar closure and heart that everyone seems to wear lately, only i can't take mine off, i dont have a key.

[slo18]

humm being collared and wearing a collar for me are two diffrent things. I wear a collar as a restrant and quite thruoghly enjoy it. i also have collars that are worn purely for fashion. I was asked once by my Dom earlier in our relationship if I wanted to be collared by him. even though i had already agreed to marry him I wasnt comfortable enough in our ds relationship to say yes. its something he still doesnt understand after three years. being collared for me is even more important more of a commitment then being married. it doesnt matter to me what the item is that simbolizes my ownership, its the ownership that is important. hope that made sence am not good at putting my thoughts into words that people understand

[myri_SN]

well i hope i didnt give the impression that my collar is just a fashion item. i live with my master for two years now. the collar is a nice visual addition, i like that it is visible that i belong to someone, even though most people have no clue why i have a lock on my necklace, my mum wondered once why i wear a lock. i coudlnt tell her so i just said it means a lot to me and i got it for valentines and it's an antique so she dropped the subject as i know how she thinks about the whole ds idea. sometimes i really wish everyone would know what it means but i guess that would nto be best idea, ie at work.

humm being collared and wearing a collar for me are two diffrent things. I wear a collar as a restrant and quite thruoghly enjoy it. i also have collars that are worn purely for fashion. I was asked once by my Dom earlier in our relationship if I wanted to be collared by him. even though i had already agreed to marry him I wasnt comfortable enough in our ds relationship to say yes. its something he still doesnt understand after three years. being collared for me is even more important more of a commitment then being married. it doesnt matter to me what the item is that simbolizes my ownership, its the ownership that is important. hope that made sence am not good at putting my thoughts into words that people understand

[MrJerseyGuy]

Wish I had seen this thread sooner. My g/f and I are both divorced and have no plans for marriage whatsoever. We own a home together and I definately equate her collar to a wedding ring. She wears it 24/7 and it would be a huge big deal if she took it off. For us, it's a symbolic thing.

[Devilkisses]

I just saw this thread and decided to post since
my Master seems to have a slightly different
take on how I wear my collar.

I have a collar that is for everyday use that is very important to me.
I feel naked unless I'm wearing it and I seem to miss Him more
when I don't have it on, like it connects us somehow

The difference is that I have a list of tasks to perform for Him everday
before He gets home from work (I have no outside job).
Until those tasks are complete for the day,
He does not allow me to wear my collar. He feels that
I need to do something each day to 'earn' my collar.
I guess it's a good motivational tool

At first I balked at the idea, I love my collar soo much,
but the alternative is that the first time my tasks
are not done punctually, and/or to the best of my ability
I don't get to wear my collar until I'm punished
(which He saves for the end of the day) so I
agreed (as if I had a choice lol)
as outside influences sometimes interfere.

I do have a collar that I wear when we go out
regardless of whether my tasks have been completed or not.
When we had our collaring ceremony
the outerwear one is what was placed on me,
so it's not as if He's taking our official symbol away.

I guess most people (assumption only) will think that this is an odd
way to go about wearing any symbol of ownership, but I like it now as it
gives me a chance, every single day, to prove to Him how much I
want to serve Him and how hard I will work to please Him.

Just wanted to add my perspective and experience to the conversation

[Katmandu]

I once wrote a tear jerker of an essay, on what my (at that time, my training collar) collar meant to me. It was in the Academy, before it became the Academy. I really...really wish I had a copy of it.

Anyway, Master Barton ordered me a permanent collar earlier this year. I hadn't truly decided to accept it, because, like slo18, I wasn't sure, or ready to commit to Him as my Dom.

Now, however, I wear the collar, it is a thick, heavy, custom made silver necklace (choker style). There is no clasp, only a ring on either end that can hold a padlock to keep it closed. And NO, I do not have the key.

I wrote about my collaring ceremony, recently, here in the "Let's get to Know Each Other" thread.